I don't know. It's just so weird.
Okay, well, what did he say, exactly?
He said he needed to talk to me.
- Needed or wanted? - What's the difference?
- Urgency. - He said needed.
- Ugh, that's urgent. - I know.
He gave you super gonorrhea.
Shut up!
When did he tell you this?
- As soon as he walked through the door. - Oh, my God.
What an asshole. Do you wanna go?
Yes, and no. I don't want to know what it is.
- Oh, my God. You've got to find out. - You've got to know.
- Let's get the check. - Sorry, uh...
Sorry it took me so long.
It's so weird. They have one of those toilets
that's like a jacuzzi for your butt.
Well, Japanese culture is so interesting, is it not?
Like, ugh, I can't wait to go to Tokyo.
Excuse me?
Hey, you're still airbnb-ing the house upstate, right?
- Good God, no! - He didn't tell you?
- No. - Oh, my God, it was a nightmare!
This sweet lady, she rents it for the weekend and she brings her dog.
I'm cool with pets. Whatever, it's fine.
Until she decides that she wants to be nice
and clean it herself.
It is so not funny.
Okay, so, Adam's got one of those robot vacuums.
- A Roomba. - A Roomba, yeah.
Yeah, Roombas.
She turns the Roomba on, she leaves the house,
and the dog gets into the trash
and eats something that gives him diarrhea.
Un-uh.
And the Roomba spread shit everywhere.
She was gone for eight hours. It took two weeks to clean it up.
- No, no, honey, that is like... - Yes.
...the worst thing I've heard all week.
Mm-hmm. - You have a lot of property.
And you own it with your ex, right?
Well, no, I actually got it when my mom died.
It was always just mine, I guess.
So much property.
And it's so cute, by the way. It's so charming.
- It's a safety net house. - No.
- You have to sell it. - Trying to.
Mm-hmm.
- Anyway... - So much property.
Can I interest you in dessert?
No.
Thank you, just the check.
I don't mean to bother you, but I'm obsessed with your website.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Oh, stop. This is our anniversary dinner,
so Marklin and I would like to treat you.
- You don't have to do that. - Yes!
- We invited you. - You're sure?
Yes.
Adam and I are going to hang for a second and finish our fight.
- Really? - No.
Not really. We're gonna walk you guys out.
Can you wrap this up to go?
Um, sure.
Those too.
That one too.
Call me and let me know what's up.
Mm-hmm.
The waiter ordered us an UberPool.
- That's cool, right? - Yes.
Hey!
Wish me luck.
And it just gets worse.
I have my phone on.
Now, she really knows how to pick 'em.
I need a drink.
Oh, well, lucky for you...
- You did not. - Well, yeah.
They took everything else. Why not?
You're gonna get us arrested.
It looks like a bottle of Sprite. Don't worry.
Little bit of worry is okay.
Well, yeah, but that's why I love you.
I love you. Happy Anniversary.
Maybe next time no double-date?
Hi! Do you have a minute for gay rights?
- No! - Okay, asshole.
Easy. We're already members.
Oh, my God!
I love you.
- Can I take a pic? - No problem.
Up!
- Thank you. - Okay.
I am freaking out.
Didn't know they work nights.
Well, we are downtown.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Are you...
Let's go.
Yes.
Ah, man!
I just... I don't know how to tell you this.
Just say it, I guess? I mean...
Uh, okay.
Um, look, um... These past three weeks,
getting to know you have been amazing
and I really think that I'm starting to feel things for you,
but there's something that I... Ugh!
Oh, my God, you're making me nervous right now!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Just say it. - I'm so sorry!
- Yeah, I'm... - It's okay.
I'm...
I'm homeless.
I'm sorry, what now?
I'm homeless.
- And you're staying on friends' couches? - No, I did that.
You moved in with your parents?
No, I did that too.
I'm...
I live in a shelter.
But you have such nice shoes.
I have a locker.
Don't eat those.
Come on. Can't we just have coffee like normal people?
When I'm done.
Bingo. Bingo.
Okay, can you help?
I can't get the shot.
- I'm worried. - Just... Do you mind?
Nope.
Okay.
Make sure you get the logo on the...
- I got it. - Okay.
What are you doing? Don't make that face.
Just look normal, okay?
This is normal.
- Don't eat my blackberry. - It's too late.
This normal enough?
You told him get out, right?
- Well, I... - You did not have sex with him.
- Well, he was already there. - Cammy!
And I already slept with him!
With the presumption that he had shelter!
You know, there should probably be an app for that.
I think it's just assumed. Oh, my God!
You slept with a homeless.
Person, sweetie.
I slept with a homeless person, okay?
- Homeless is not a noun. - A person, of course.
Wow, you are so kind, Cam.
I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel these days.
No, it's good. You gave to someone in need.
- Oh! - Oh, my God, this is so hot!
- Eww! - Did they heat this on the sun?
- I'm sorry, that was my fault. - It is so hot!
I told them, "Caldo," which is Italian for hot.
- So, you're gonna see him again? - No! Of course not.
- Okay, I didn't know! - I have a little self-respect, sweetie.
- All right. - I did it again, okay?
I picked another loser.
I'm sorry, but like, what white guy is homeless at 36?
- I'm sure there are a lot. - On Tinder?
Yes, that is an interesting twist.
God, he was just so nice, he was just so sweet.
I was really hoping this would work out, you know?
How did he get homeless? Get homeless? Become homeless?
Wait, what's the right phrase?
It's "become." How do you not know that?
Become homeless.
Well, his ex-girlfriend used to pay for everything and he was staying with her,
and they broke up, so he had to leave.
And he just stayed on friends' couches
until that became untenable.
And then he just checked himself into a shelter?
There are few steps that are missing.
I feel like you don't just go from a couch to a shelter.
Yeah, okay! Haley, I get it, but that's what he told me, okay?
I think the red flag was him being supported by the girlfriend.
There are a lot of red flags. Red flags everywhere.
I'm color blind. Anyways, how are you?
I'm good. I mean, I've got a roof over my head.
- Too soon? - Yes, bitch. That is too soon.
I don't know. What do you think so far?
- Looks good to me. - Yeah?
Ravella wants it by Friday.
Then tell her to paint it her fucking self.
And seriously, it doesn't seem that hard.
How much does one of these go for?
I don't know, like a hundred.
- Thousand? - Yeah.
Holy shit!
Why don't you just paint one and keep it for yourself
and then you sell it?
Well, because, then it would be by me, not by Ravella.
- Yeah, but, they're all by you. - Unofficially.
Mm.
So fucked up. It's so fucked up.
These poor bastards who buy this shit. Do they understand
that Ravella Brewer is not actually painting their $100,000 treasure?
Well, no, but Ravella is not the first to do this.
Rembrandt, Matisse.
I guess, but it's just that she makes a ton of dough
and you, you barely make a living wage.
Yeah, well, it is what it is.
Well, if you and Marklin would just get married.
Mm, I'm not taking his money, Elizabeth.
It's not taking money when you're married, it's called sharing.
That is marriage. I mean, why are you so against it?
I marched my ass in the snow for your rights.
I don't know, the thing about gay marriage...
No, no, no, no. Don't say it.
- It's so gay. - It's not funny. You're deflecting.
It's not even on the table.
It's because you're so vocal about how you don't want to do it.
And what? And end up like Haley? No, thank you.
Not everyone gets divorced after a year.
Yeah, some people last five, like my parents.
Damon and I got engaged the first week we met.
And look at us, still together 15 years later.
Come on, look at it. He put the ring in a bagel.
- Yes. - French!
You are insane.
- Ah! - Look, I love being gay.
You know that. It's probably like my favorite thing about myself.
I love that you're gay.
But, I don't know. Marriage doesn't magically solve...
Two men together is tricky.
Okay, then don't get married. Just share his money
like Damon and I do. Come on, I do better than him,
but it's doesn't matter. You're in a partnership, for God's sake!
Ba-ba-bup-bup. Let's drop it.
Okay? I got to finish this by Friday.
Blobs.
It's so simple!
Seriously, I could do that.
You know, it's a little more complicated than that.
- Well... - Give it a try.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, as long as she signs it, it's a Ravella Brewer.
Just don't go nuts.
Don't go nuts.
- Okay, no crazy. - Oh, yeah.
- Crazy. - I know you.
Where shall I begin?
Maybe over here.
Feels good, right?
Ah, I'd feel a lot better if I was getting paid a hundred grand.
I'm out of mud.
- Let me? - Excuse me.
- Boom! - Damn, that's good.
Don't even need to sand.
Work for me?
That would be a fun life pivot.
- What's this gonna be again? - An office for Elizabeth.
I've given up on trying to make it a nursery.
Oh, well.
Sorry.
You kind of missed the boat on that one.
This will be nice, though.
Elizabeth thinks she hates kids.
Um, she does hate kids.
I kept thinking I could convince her, you know?
Should have switched her birth control out with Tic Tacs.
- Wait, they look the same? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Really? - No!
You can't trick someone into having a baby.
Especially her. She'll jump in front of a train if that happened.
Uh, I feel like that's what's missing.
Oh, sure. Baby fixes everything.
I need to retape this. You did a shitty job.
So, when are you two gonna have one?
What?
Mm, never.
Ah, come on. You'd make great dads.
I don't feel like dropping $250,000 to buy a baby.
- Shit! That's a lot. - Yeah.
And IVF lawyers.
Taking care of some needy fucking surrogate in Albuquerque.
It's at least that.
- Well, you could adopt. - I already have a baby.
And his name is Adam.
- There you go. - And he's a baby.
Ooh! Over here, over here.
The Whitney I love. The Whitney free Wi-Fi.
- Uh-huh. - I swear, someone's siphoning my data.
Who keeps texting you?
It's just one of my students.
They're very persistent.
Well, it's mid-terms.
Is that Scott James?
No. Yeah, yes.
You are moving into some very serious Pamela Smart territory right now.
He just needs help with his homework.
I think he wants a little bit more than that.
No.
Are you serious? He is so dependent on you.
Well, you know, maybe a little.
Little? You wrote all of his college essays.
Well, it's just easier than all the back and forth.
- He has a boner for you, Haley. - He's 17.
Well, at least he has a home.
Do you mind if I... I'm just gonna grab this.
- Yeah. - Hello?
Who doesn't know that Mark Twain coined the term "the Gilded Age?"
- Everybody. - It's like...
I like to feel like I'm making a difference by tutoring these kids,
but then I get a call like that.
Well, at least you have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes I feel like the darkness is just gonna consume me.
- You're being dramatic. - I fucked a homeless person.
No, yeah, that's dark.
But that's behind you now.
No, stop. I got to work.
Hey.
Hey! Psst!
Very funny.
- That always gets me. - Hey there.
Hi.
One sec. Yup.
- Delivery. - Thanks. Just a minute.
- Gotta answer the door. - Nuh-uh.
- I'm just kissing you. - Yeah.
You're never just kissing me.
I can't help it if I'm attracted to my boyfriend.
We have sex every day.
That's a bad thing?
Here we go.
Don't do that.
We were having fun. Don't shut down. I just have a lot of stuff to post today.
I'm not shut down.
And by the way, we don't have sex everyday.
We used to.
Sometimes, I just want affection.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Just telling you how I feel.
No, not you, the coat. It's $14,000.
I don't know. Sure.
That's like my first semester of art school.
God, so much free shit.
It's not free.
We'll give him at least that in promotion.
Yeah, well, it's just... I mean, come on. It's crazy.
You gotta admit, when you don't need it, you get it,
and then when you need it, you don't get it.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I could take some of those if you want.
No, I'm good, I got it.
Okay.
All right. I'm gonna get out of your hair, then.
Oh, hey, um, I'm gonna be like, a day or two late on the rent this month.
Ravella's accountant is out of town and...
- Already covered it. - Oh, okay. Thank you.
I'll have it tomorrow, next day at the latest.
It's just, you know, the house upstate...
It's fine, I don't mind covering the rent. I already told you that.
You will sell the house.
Someday, okay?
Hey, I'm headed to the studio.
You want to grab some food later?
Uh, I'm supposed to be meeting Cammy tonight.
Okay. Tell her I said hi.
Okay.
- Love you. - Love you too.
I thought the deal was you were going to write some of this out longhand.
Turn your phone off.
I have terrible handwriting.
Well, that's because no one writes anymore.
The Palmer Method is a lost art.
You're so smart.
You are just as smart. It's about applying yourself.
I...
I didn't get into Brown.
Oh, no! Really?
Yeah, see? I'm not as smart as you.
I couldn't even get into the place you went.
That was a long time ago.
Well, I mean, it wasn't that long ago.
Wait, ow!
How is that even possible?
That was a great essay.
I sent in my version.
What now?
I didn't use the one you fixed.
Why would you do that?
Because you wrote it.
No, I merely corrected it
and made it more cohesive.
You wrote it, Haley, not me.
What?
You let me fix everything, Scott James!
What am I doing right now?
And you choose to take a stand with the most important assignment ever,
your college essay?
Don't be mad. It wasn't a stand.
I'm not mad, I'm...
All the work we've done together...
- You've done. - We've done.
I have sat there holding your hand,
ushering you along all this while.
I just wanted to see if I could do it on my own.
Well, clearly, you cannot!
I already knew that.
Why do you think your parents are paying me all this money
to come over here four times a week?
Shit, I'm sorry.
Oh, no. No, Scott James. I am sorry. I am sorry.
I shouldn't have lost my temper like that.
You are so smart, Scott James, so smart.
No, I'm just a dum-dum.
No, no, no, you are not.
No, no, Scott James!
No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.
It'll make me feel better.
No. Come on, now.
It's... It's okay.
Oh, wow. That looks amazing.
- Thank you. - How did you do that?
Um, I used to edit cookbooks, so it's not really a big deal.
Wow, I have, like, so much more. You don't have to...
No, it's... I'm sorry.
We just don't usually get this kind of food at the shelter.
And this... This is amazing.
This tastes so good.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
My tongue feels weird.
Oh, there's some Szechuan peppers in there.
It's like it's buzzing.
Um, is it going to burn me?
Mm-mm. It's not hot as much as it can cause neurological confusion.
Okay. What?
It's really cool. Just, like, confuses your taste buds.
So, it's not gonna fuck with my head?
No, no. Mm-mm.
Okay.
- Oh, that tastes weird. - Yeah, it's the peppers.
- I just said... - I think I'm gonna take a break.
Yeah, me too.
So, I was actually thinking
of having one of my girls come over tonight.
Nice, what do you wanna do?
Well, we were gonna stay here.
Oh, that's cool. There are so many killer docs on Netflix right now.
Yeah, they are the killer.
I have been catching up on so much great stuff
since you've been letting me stay here.
I mean, at the shelter, it's Forensic Files all day, everyday.
- Sucks. - Well, I was just kinda hoping
we can have, like, one-on-one girl time.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
Of course. I know how to do a lockout.
Um, what's a good time for me to come back?
Like, midnight, one o'clock?
Well, where are you gonna go?
Well, there's plenty of places to hand. I can go to the library,
go to Starbucks, I can take the A-train
out to Far Rockaway,
and then up to 207th.
And back out to Far Rockaway.
You think I'm still neurologically confused?
- Yeah, I don't... - Fuck it, I'm hungry.
Fuck it.
- Hi. - Hi.
Thank you.
- Hello. - Hi.
He's having a really good day today.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I've seen cases worse than this turn around.
You don't have to do that.
Do what?
I know what the deal is.
He can hear you, you know?
That's fine. He knows what the deal is too.
Okay.
Right.
- Yeah? - Oh, finally. You answer.
What's wrong? What's going on?
Have you see The Detailist today?
Marklin looks like the truest form of a Kennedy.
I get why people buy so much stuff because of him.
Is this why you called?
He's so handsome.
I mean, if he got a flat tire, people would know who he was.
Okay, people already know who he is.
So weird, right?
One minute we're all working at CB2,
the next minute he's famous.
We live in New York. He doesn't drive.
You know what I mean. He's that type of person.
I got wine for tonight. What time do you want me to come over?
And is anyone else coming? Also, I could make a pizza.
If you're eating that. Are you still doing points?
I could do a cauliflower crust.
Uh, yes, I'm still doing points.
And I really want to go out tonight.
Cam, you said we were gonna watch
the Menendez Brothers anniversary thing.
It's the only thing that's kept me breathing this horrible week.
Well, I'll DVR it. I just really need to get out.
You sound weird. What's going on?
Nothing.
- Are you alone? - Yeah, who would be here?
Any number of strange men.
Please, girl. I can't.
I'll see you later.
God, it's hot out.
Do you have any matches?
Uh-huh, yeah, somewhere.
Lighter on the shelf.
Wait, what do you need it for?
Oh, my God. Your birthday's today?
Scott James, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot.
It's okay.
No, no, wait. You can't just blow it out.
Um, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Scott James. Happy Birthday to you.
- It's official. - What's official?
I'm an adult now.
Cupcake.
Cake.
- What? - What?
Today's not your birthday.
Your birthday is on July 11th.
The day that Marie Antoinette said, "Let them eat cake."
You actually told me she never said that.
She didn't. That's not the point.
The point is that your birthday is not for another month.
Well, what's the big deal? It's only a few weeks. Come on!
Scott James, I am your teacher!
But hey, I love you.
Oh, no! Scott James, don't say that.
But it's true! I can't help it.
I can't stop thinking about you!
- But you have to stop. - I can't, Haley, it hurts!
It hurts! It's my heart, Haley, I just...
I just... I don't know what to do!
I am in so much pain.
My gosh! Oh, my gosh, you've got a crush.
That's why they call it that. It crushes you.
I can't. I can't. I can't go on. I can't go on.
Oh, no. That's not gonna work. It's electric.
It doesn't even work.
Don't cry, Scott James.
Uh...
So, we have to stop now.
Thank you, Ken.
Uh, I hate to end a session like that,
but, a lot to think about.
- Totally. - Mm-hmm.
So, let me look at some times for next week.
Uh, you know what? Can I e-mail you?
I have a couple projects up in the air.
- I have a product launch sometime. - Sure.
I love what you're doing for men's fashion.
I hope it's okay that I speak about something outside this room?
- It's all right. - It's fine.
And, allow the feelings that came up today to exist.
Or not exist, if that's what they're telling you
You can make space for that.
- Sure. - Okay, then.
- Bingo. - Bingo.
- Same route, or different? - Same.
I'm going to get some neck massage.
- Feet too. - You're on.
Just wait. Don't... Okay.
- You're cheating. - I'm winning.
No. Oh, shit!
- Oh, red light. - Hey, you, like me?
Fags!
- Yeah. - Yeah, we are.
Fuck off!
You know, that's like the fifth time we've had that?
I can make something else, we can go out...
No, no, no, no, no, are you kidding me? I love it.
Besides, I'm used to eating the same thing every day where I live.
And no lockouts.
You are...
- You are the best. - I know.
I am the best.
My mouth still does feel a little weird, though.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Think you would have built up some tolerance to that already.
Where are you going, Mr. Henry?
Come on, we can't even get through one movie?
Mm-hmm. - I'm just saying.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Stop, stop, stop. Henry, stop.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It tastes like I licked a battery. Oh, my God.
Oh, my vagina is on fire!
Oh, my God! This is disgusting.
Okay, you know what? You don't have to be a dick.
Yeah, well, I didn't ask you to fuck up my whole neurological system.
It's not your whole system. It's just your taste buds.
Yeah, my taste buds,
which are making my favorite thing in the world
taste like a bag of old pennies.
Get out.
- What? - Get out.
I can see why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you.
I can see why you're homeless.
You are just an asshole.
- I'm sorry. - I mean, I cook for you,
I am nice to you, I let you live with me, no lockouts!
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I'm really, really sorry. It's just...
I'm really fucked up from these peppers.
No. You're just fucked up, period.
You're homeless.
What 36-year-old doesn't even have a couch to sleep on?
I told you why.
And what self-respecting human being sleeps with a homeless person?
I mean, like, yeah, you told me, and I just accepted it?
You have to go.
- What, now? - Yes, now.
But, I can't check back into the shelter after 2 p.m.
That is not my problem right now, okay?
Cammy, look, look, sit down, please.
Sit down. I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry.
I mean, I am... I don't have anywhere else to go.
Where am I supposed to go?
I'm so sorry. Please.
Fine. Fine. You can stay tonight.
Thank you. Thank you.
- I'm sorry. - Don't stop fanning.
Okay.
- Close race. - Not even.
Thanks.
Sorry about all that.
Okay?
I don't mean whatever.
I mean, I'm sorry too.
It's just frustrating, this whole couples thing.
I feel like it's pulling us further apart,
than bringing us close together.
Yes, that's what hit me too.
Can't we just spend the money on dates each week instead?
We could.
- Fuck, it's so much money. - Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Dates were never really our problem, though.
It's just...
I don't know. I don't know.
Is that all there is?
I just wish we could go back to the way things were.
Simpler.
Was it?
You know what I mean.
You want to turn that off?
Yeah, let me just check nothing is on fire first.
Nothing's ever on fire.
- This is work. - Are you sure about that?
Why are you getting so worked up?
It's just the constant interruptions. Always.
It's when we're home, when we're out,
you documenting every single moment.
This is work. It's my job.
It's what I work for.
Yeah, well...
Wanna come back?
Thought we were connecting here.
You owe me a massage.
Ooh.
Relax.
Sorry.
Why is it so hard all the time?
Five years.
I guess.
Some people get married.
Or get out.
Shit or get off the pot.
Yeah.
Maybe it's time.
For what?
Can't believe it.
Almost 15 years.
I feel so numb.
Oh, it's so fucking cliche.
Oh, yeah, he is who he is.
She's young, hot,
of childbearing years, not very smart.
You're sure it's not like a text flirtation?
I don't fucking care. It's the same thing.
Okay, come on. I mean, it could be harmless.
God knows what comes through Marklin's phone on a daily basis.
How that doesn't drive you insane is just, it's beyond me.
It does, but it's different.
How is it different?
It's not different. What, because you're two men?
I mean, what, there aren't separate gay rules, are there?
There sort of are.
What I mean... Wait, do you want something stronger?
- Yes, please. - Okay.
What I mean is that, you know, men... men are men.
And we separate things easier.
Do you really believe that?
I mean, you never get jealous.
Well, of course, I do, but it's like...
You know, in context, it's just not a huge deal.
Sex is sex, intimacy is intimacy.
And I don't even believe that.
Who the fuck knows?
We're in couple's, so I'm no expert.
- Since when? - Ah, since, I don't know.
Since we just keep missing each other.
You want the name of the guy?
Oh, I'm not going to counseling.
Oh, come on. You can't throw away 15 years.
If you guys can't do it, then...
Everything became just very clear when I found out about it.
When I found out about it, I knew.
For a while now, I just...
I chose to ignore it.
I guess you made compromises.
One makes compromises.
One chooses to fool oneself.
I mean...
You tell your friends, "I'm dating this dingo,
but you know, don't worry, he's not too dingoey."
And then you come home one day and he is eating the babies,
'cause he's a fucking dingo and that's what dingoes do.
They eat the babies.
- And you don't even like kids. - I don't, no.
Finally, Ravella is painting something interesting.
Oh, no. That's...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't turn it around.
It's nothing to see, it's...
That's yours.
Yeah, it's just an idea.
It's really good, Adam.
Not at all.
It's much better than that crap you usually paint for Ravella.
Yeah, if only she would sign one of my paintings.
You don't need her.
I love it.
I swear that truck is following me.
Just a little further.
- Okay, turn. - What is it?
- Oh. - Sit.
I mean...
unless there's a pinata, is the blindfold really necessary?
Yes, shh! Take it off.
Surprise!
What is this?
Nothing.
I just got some things I want to talk with you about.
To the man I met on this very bench
five years ago.
You have changed my life. I'm very lucky.
- Let's eat. I'm starving. - Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm just making smaller bites.
For the rats?
So?
- Hmm? - You said you had some things you wanted to talk about.
Yes.
What do you think?
About what?
Living here.
I wanted to talk to you about it first, but,
I already made an offer.
Were we gonna discuss it?
Yeah, we're discussing it now.
They haven't accepted yet.
I just don't think I can really swing buying an apartment
at the moment.
It's just, you know...
If you got rid of that albatross of a house,
you'll have some money, we'll get out of the basement.
I've been trying to for the last two years.
I know. Two years. I've been very patient.
- This is really patient? - And generous.
I seem to remember I was pretty patient and generous
when you were making 12 bucks an hour at CB2.
It's not about the money, Adam.
I have plenty of money for both of us if you'd just let me.
It's about us.
We don't have kids. It's just us.
I can't believe we're still having these arguments.
We're not in our 20s anymore. It's like...
You know, when we first met,
I had the life that you wanted.
And now, it suddenly feels like
I don't measure up.
You do.
Do you know how many artists would kill to paint for Ravella?
Hey, I'm so proud of you.
I just want more. You should want more too.
This is when is it supposed to get a little easier.
So much for surprises.
You okay?
Huh, I got it.
Ravella, I am curious to know
who your primary influences are
for this series. They are so bold,
yet have a deceptively jejune quality.
Jejune.
Hmm.
Well, that's funny.
Uh, I pull from life.
From the myriad connections we encounter every day,
living in this bustling metropolis.
She better not say something.
It's fine. I don't care.
What is up with you tonight?
We're here. Sorry we're late.
- Our Uber driver was the fucking worst. - Yeah.
I almost got molested by him.
Okay, that did not happen, Haley,
but they are seriously the fucking worst.
They'll let anyone drive those cars.
But anyways, we're here. I need a cigarette.
- Haley. - Yeah.
Come on, I need my medicine.
I might need another drink.
The inspiration for this painting came on an Indian summer morning
in Sagaponack,
when the fog hit the lawn.
Just so...
How long does one of these take to execute?
- Execute? - Hmm.
Sounds like a killing.
Well, you do stand to make a killing off of these.
Commerce doesn't interest me.
What interests me is the creative process.
Well, then, why sell at all?
Each painting is like a birth.
And that is why
it takes a very long time.
And they each need a home in this world.
How long?
Why is she so angry?
This painting alone took almost a year.
A year!
Shit.
Sometimes, the simplest brush strokes
are the most complicated.
- There you are. - Incredible.
Hmm.
Great show. So nice of you to include us.
Of course. Where is Adam?
Uh, he is over there.
- He's eating dairy? - Mm.
- The poor thing. - Mm.
Well, congratulations. We'll catch up later.
Yes, yes, yes. Get him away from the cheese.
Hmm. Hmm.
Peggy, where were we?
Fog.
Well, let's sober you up.
I haven't had anything to drink. I haven't!
This is... I'm angry.
This isn't your first Ravella opening.
I painted some of that.
My simple brush strokes and yours.
I mean, I don't...
Well, maybe you've just become numb to it all?
I'm not numb.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.
No.
No, I just don't understand, Adam, how you can come here
and just let her celebrate?
Okay, this is not about me, is it?
No.
Damon is, like, begging me to let him come back.
- And? - I don't know, I mean...
We've been together so long, he's all I know.
But I don't want to settle!
I want more.
And I want you to want more too.
Oh, God, why does everybody keep saying that to me?
Listen, it's okay.
It's okay. Listen, I get it,
but please don't go?
I want you here. I need you here.
- All right. - Okay?
- I'll stay. - Yes!
Yes, but please, please tell me
that's we're not gonna be the last ones to leave.
Oh, absolutely not.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Isn't that that homeless guy that Cammy went out with?
Oh, my God, it is.
I knew it. She's still seeing him.
You guys, I still feel dizzy.
Well, you don't smoke, Haley.
Yeah, I know, I just didn't want Cammy to feel bad.
- She was smoking alone. - She wouldn't. No one cares.
Wow. You're so right, Adam.
Because, to the matter at hand.
What am I looking at?
The man inhaling food.
- That's Cammy's homeless guy. - That's him?
He has such nice shoes. Oh, Cammy!
Oh, Cammy, what?
- Your friend is here. - Oh, I might have mentioned tonight.
I thought you broke it off after dinner.
I did, and then I didn't.
- Okay. - Okay, what?
I'm sorry, not all of us are in relationships or married.
Some of us are just trying to get through the day.
And you know what? I didn't break up with him because he was homeless,
or because he was the butt of our collective joke.
I broke up with him because he was neurologically confused
and said my pussy tasted like pennies,
which I'm realizing right now, isn't even a deal breaker.
And I slept with Scott James.
Okay, Haley, you don't have to do that.
- Do what? - You don't have to take care of Cammy like that.
Hey, can I grab you for a quick shot with Ravella?
Oh, no, just Marklin.
Yeah, sure.
I mean...
Talk about irony.
It's like a parallel universe.
Can we go?
Please. I've been out the door since I got here.
They were good.
So different from your own work.
"Adam, why aren't you working on your own stuff?"
I didn't say that. Just making an observation.
- Since you brought it up. - I am.
Good.
And you can have that with your name on the wall.
Not so easy.
It's not as hard as you make it out to be.
Not everyone can get a profile in New Yorker.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I got a break. Big deal.
I got a break after working my ass off.
And I also worked my ass off sans break.
You know what? Maybe tonight's not the best night to play Mom.
I'm trying to play supportive boyfriend.
Try harder.
Can we get some more chips, please?
Should've brought Tupperware.
- Hilarious. - Ha-ha!
Homeless joke. That's very funny.
I mean, what is home anyway?
That's an excellent question.
We live in a shared economy,
no one owns a car,
nobody's buying real estate.
- Aren't you buying a place? - Marklin is.
Nothing definite.
Oh, so you guys will have how many places?
Two. No, three... Two?
The plan is to have just one together.
- Oh, is that the plan? - Hmm.
The show was fun tonight.
Never been to a gallery opening.
I mean, it was good, considering, you know,
Adam painted mostly everything in there.
Yeah, invisible.
- Oh, no! Who bought these? - Whoo!
The table over there.
They're big fans.
- Big fans. Visible. - Thanks!
- Who wants to do slap shots? - I do.
- What is that? - I read about it in Teen Vogue.
Or was it regular Vogue? I can't remember,
but you do the shot and you get slapped
- while you suck a lime. - Oh, yeah!
Wow. You do the slap instead of a lime.
Okay, none of this sounds good.
No, come on. That sounds like fun.
Come on, who's first?
Come on, everybody. We're gonna play slap shots.
- Who's first? - I'll go.
This is so waiting for Cammy.
Okay.
- Ow! - I barely hit you.
- Asshole! - Please. Can we just do the shots?
Fuck that! My turn. Adam. Go.
Oh!
- Goddamn! - Oh, no!
It's my turn. My turn.
Marklin.
You can hit me.
Yeah, how about just drinking without violence?
No, it's my turn.
Oh!
- Oh, my God. - Adam?
- Adam? - I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
Give him a minute.
- Yeah, just let him... - But it looks like he's really hurt.
Why did I hit him so hard?
He's been like this all night.
Oh, my God. Of course!
This.
Excuse me?
Somebody in...
Hey, can someone turn that fucking jingle off?
Aw, man!
It's an ice cream van.
Hello?
Okay.
It's this one.
Wait, how did you...
Sit.
Where are we going?
Trust me.
The fuck you doing on my truck?
Oh, Jesus. What happened to you?
- What? - Your head, man.
- Cut up, bleeding. - I think I'm fine.
I think you should probably see a doctor.
Look, I said I'm fine, all right?
I just want that fucking jingle to stop.
- Jingle's not playing, man. - It's always playing.
I know you.
The pool.
Oh, no!
- Oh, no! - How are you feeling?
Mm-hmm.
Um, embarrassed?
Well, that was a pro move.
If by pro, you mean dick.
That incessant song, though.
I can see how it can make people do things.
I blame noise pollution, not Adam.
- Did I actually hit you? - Not even close.
You hit, like... What's the PC way of saying "like a girl"?
Girl.
I'm sorry.
Hey, who's the cute ice cream truck guy?
Oh, my God!
He looks more like a Roman statue
than an ice cream vendor.
Yeah, but, ice cream trucks are, like, very creepy,
and also, very dirty.
I mean, what am I gonna get? A cone with some E. coli on top?
Those trucks are actually cleaner than most restaurants.
They have to pass a lot of inspections to operate.
Okay, how do you even know that?
Well, the young lady would be correct.
Hey, I hope I didn't mess up your truck.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
How do you two know each other?
Uh, we met at the gym.
Oh, my God. Gay guys should never be like, "Met at the gym."
Oh, I'm not gay.
You're not? Me too.
I mean, neither am I.
All right, then.
Can you guys give us a minute?
- Yup, that's something we could do. - Yup.
Everybody out.
- Yeah. - Cool. We'll be...
I don't know what to say.
What's going on with you?
A lot, I guess.
I just think the show last night really got to me.
Of course, it did.
It's not just that. It's everything. It's...
Are you having
something outside of us?
No!
Adam, no!
Okay.
Just no secrets.
No secrets.
Yeah, I always thought I'd be in such a different place by now.
That I'd have a lot more of my life figured out.
I'm not and I don't.
It's not such a cute look when 40's in sight.
I think if we can get through this rough patch,
we're gonna be just fine.
And strong, and invincible.
Yeah, me too.
What is it Sensitive Ken always says?
That he accepts cash and credit cards?
Stop.
- What? - We need to communicate.
Oh.
It's so easy, right?
You didn't really sleep with Scott James, did you?
Um, emotionally.
- Haley, he's a child! - No, I didn't.
I just said it because I felt left out.
The thing is, I think I really love him.
Okay, maybe you do.
Like, the way a parent loves a child.
It's all so confusing.
He needs me.
Like, he really needs me.
Like, beyond how anyone's every needed me before.
No, Haley, he's dependent on you, okay?
And you doing all these things for him, is not going to help him in the future.
I mean, it's only going to make him more dependent on you.
Sorry, it's just like Adam and Marklin's relationship.
He didn't get into Brown.
Good. He never would have made it.
I've never owned a dog.
I can't keep a single succulent alive.
I don't want them to find my body someday
under a pile of New Yorker magazines
and cat hair and take-out containers.
You don't even read New Yorker magazine.
Cammy, I'm being serious.
Okay, yeah, I know it sucks,
but the only thing you could do is just
wake up every day and hope for the best.
Ugh, I'm going to throw up in my mouth.
- This is way too many feelings... - I love you, Cammy.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, speaking of throwing up.
Why is it so easy for her?
Easy? She's getting divorced.
Mm. Yeah, there's that.
I guess, I should too.
What?
Divorce Scott James.
Oh, I guess you should.
- Yes. - No, do.
Looked like you two were really hitting it off.
I bet he knows so much about the decline
of the food truck movement.
Mm, this is so delicious.
That is all he talked about.
Ice cream, ice cream. I know so much about ice cream.
He does have big plans, though.
He wants to expand to Austin, Detroit and it just...
It's just, what a snoozefest.
At least he doesn't live in his vehicle.
And he's not a minor.
God, being single sucks, you guys. I don't know how you do it.
It's not really a choice.
Yeah, it's not like when I was a little girl, I had a dream of just
having dates with an endless parade of cautionary tales.
Yeah, I'm jealous of what you and Damon have. Had.
And what Adam and Marklin have.
I don't think you all get it.
Despite all the problems, you still have someone there for you.
Yeah, someone you want to murder.
Oh, I would kill to murder someone.
Oh, look, Adam's getting discharged.
That was quick.
- Here, give him this. - Whoa.
Okay, he's not a hurricane victim, but cool.
Yeah, it's just a bump on the head.
Listen, this has been fun, girls, but...
I've gotta go swallow a bottle of Lexapro.
Ooh! I'll come join you.
I have some paperwork for you to sign as his medical proxy.
Uh, I think I already signed it.
We don't have instructions for the DNR.
OK. Around...
He doesn't want to be revived,
so I can sign this one?
Not to bother you,
but, I love The Detailist.
I got these last month.
We've made him very comfortable, if it's any consolation.
Thank you.
You haven't told Adam yet.
No.
I was going to, then I just didn't.
'Cause I thought he was gonna get better.
This whole situation would resolve itself
and now it's just so huge.
I mean, you guys did spend all that time together.
You and Karl.
I can't tell Adam about all this.
That you are your ex's medical proxy
and you just signed his DNR?
Yeah, you don't.
I don't want to do that anymore.
You really put yourself in a tricky position, boo.
Adam thinks I'm having an affair.
Lies, an affair.
Both are pretty shitty.
I think I love Karl more than Adam.
It's always easy to love someone who's unavailable.
Trust me.
Don't curate your past, okay?
Karl and I just fit together, somehow.
More than Adam.
I should just be single.
Maybe.
- Really? - I don't fucking know.
Why does everyone think I have the magical answers to life
as they pertain to relationships?
Why is that?
Goddamn, I fucking don't. You're a mess.
I am. I am so messy.
I need a broom. I am so messy.
- So am I. - Oh, shit!
Adam.
You gonna go through every single book?
Well, some of them had notes in them.
See?
Honey.
This is called emotional cutting.
It's closure.
Give me that.
"Adam, I can't imagine a day without the sun, or without you."
- Come on. - It's sweet.
If you like crap. Toss it.
Toss it. Come on, toss it!
- I will. - I burned mine.
This feels good.
What about this?
Uh, Goodwill.
I got it for, like, 40 bucks on eBay.
Mm.
Or keep it, or keep it, I don't know.
No no no.
We're moving on, okay? Gotta let it go.
God, there's so much shit.
Marklin was right. It's like a museum to another time.
You wanted to sell the house,
no one wanted to buy it, now they did, and so, you're done.
It's ironic that now that I've finally done it, it's too late.
Listen to me, it's not too late because the house wasn't sold.
It's too late because he's just as stuck as you are
and he's too stubborn to admit it, okay?
Marklin is the only person Karl had to fucking pull the fucking plug?
He's not pulling the plug.
You know what I mean.
Come on, Adam, get mad for fuck's sake!
I am mad. I broke up with him.
Okay, if this is mad, I'd like to see furious.
I am furious.
- Please! - I am, okay?
- God! - Do you need me to smack you? 'Cause I will.
- No. - 'Cause I will.
My God, that felt so good.
Yes! Yes!
Let's break some more shit. Let's break some more shit.
Get all that shit.
- They're so ugly. - Yes, get the swan, get the owl.
- Okay, all right. - Get that tiny horse.
I am starting to get a little bit worried.
- Let's go. We're gonna get big. - Huh?
Oh, God!
That felt really good.
Oh, my God. This one's going to be a bigger crash, ready?
Oh, yes!
Keep going. I'm not done.
Oh, this is fun. Yes.
- No, you don't want to... - Oh!
Oh!
Sorry, I want to keep this.
Oh, God, yes. Charlie Brown.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Oh, that felt good.
You got me.
Oh, God.
Last one.
It's like on Hoarders.
We all have to get rid of parts of ourselves.
It's called growth.
I'm not a hoarder.
Well, you have the luxury of space which gives the illusion
of not holding on to a bunch of crap.
Where am I gonna go?
If I had known we were going to split up,
I would have held onto this place.
Are you kidding me right now?
No no no no no no.
New Adam.
Not old Adam.
Come on.
Come on, you gotta promise me that we're both...
We're both only going to move forward.
I promise.
Yeah?
Good.
Forward.
- Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late. - Adam.
Okay. You look fabulous.
Thank you. You too.
Well, your stepmom, okay?
She's got me riding the bicycle,
painting the house,
even doing a little gardening, okay?
I got my green thumb.
Hopefully not a limp wrist.
This is my son, Adam, okay? The famous artist.
- What can I get you? - Ah! Top of the morning to you.
It's an Italian restaurant, Dad.
- Just a Diet Coke, please. - A Diet Coke?
- Sir? - I'm good.
- You need a moment? - Yes, please. Thank you.
I got to hit the John.
Been drinking a lot of water. All this running around.
Okay.
I swear, the bathrooms in the city
are getting smaller.
Back when I did the plumbing at Radio City, okay,
there were walls of toilets.
Walls. You never had to wait.
This is a restaurant, not a concert hall.
Hmm.
Yeah.
How's the painting? How's Marklin?
You know, they profiled him in our local paper.
They mentioned you,
but they didn't say anything about your art.
Dad...
Marklin and I...
Thank you.
I told you about my son, the famous artist, right?
Yes, you did.
When he was a kid, okay?
He used to sneak into the city to go to SoHo.
Wow.
Lot of freedom. Just need a few more minutes.
Absolutely.
- You can't do that. - What?
Be proud of my son?
- Make everyone feel... - Feel what?
Dad, I know you're proud,
but you can't put people on the spot.
I didn't put him on the spot.
- He was impressed. - You put me on the spot.
I don't like to talk about myself.
You know, I learned from my AA,
you gotta own who you are.
You can't apologize.
I don't want to apologize.
Your AA?
Every morning, 7 o'clock.
- Every morning? - Yeah.
It works if you work it.
Yeah, I know the slogans.
Al-Anon uses them too.
That's great, Dad.
Well, enough about me, okay?
When do I get to come to a big gallery opening?
Uh, Ravella has a show now.
I don't care about her. I'm talking about you.
- My son is going to be the next Picasso. - Dad!
I'll let you know.
Don't settle, Adam.
Not like I did.
You deserve it all.
- Hi. - Hi.
I texted you before I came.
Well, I was in the neighborhood
and I brought some coffee and those bagels you like.
Should we photograph them first?
Haha!
Thank you.
Come in.
- Sure? - Yeah.
Do you need a hand?
No, I'm good.
You know you can shower at home.
- Come on. - I've got it.
Hold the bottom, hold the bottom.
I've got it. Shit!
Damn it.
For the son of a plumber, this is pretty busted.
Are you going to stop this nonsense and come home?
Where's home?
Pulled the offer on the apartment.
You were right.
Wasn't going to be ours, it was going to be mine.
You didn't have to do that.
Yeah, I did.
When did this all turn into shit?
Not all of it.
I want to show you something.
Is that Ravella's?
Wait, did you...
Yeah, I kept one.
This is yours?
Wow.
It's a start.
It's fantastic.
What are you doing?
You wanna do the honors?
It's not hers. It's not mine.
Adam, no.
Yeah, I don't even know why I kept it.
I could probably never sell it.
Just made me feel safe somehow.
Like the house upstate.
I wasn't gonna say that.
I was gonna say, like the new apartment,
for me.
Like Karl.
What you did for Karl...
Taking care of people, Marklin, that's...
That's the whole reason that I fell in love with you.
And just walking in on it, I...
I want you to take care of me
and I want to take care of you.
But we pretend that we don't need that.
What I said at the hospital... I was really upset.
I know. Me too.
I'm not perfect.
Never gonna be.
With you, I get pretty close.
Same. With you.
And I broke up with someone caring for a terminal patient.
That's not so perfect.
How is Karl?
Remarkably, he's rallying.
Good. I'm so glad.
So now what?
Mm.
Holy shit!
Wow! That feels good.
Your turn.
You know, I am gonna need these canvases for me.
It's really good.
We'll see.
Well, thanks, Haley, for everything.
Oh, you got in on your own.
I mean, it's not Brown.
No, but, you know, Penn's not a bad safety school.
Well, it's not a safety school at all.
Yeah, no. I know.
But the important thing is, you did it on your own.
That's it, huh?
We better hurry. It's a bit of a drive.
It's okay, right?
Oh, yeah, I was just kidding about Penn being a safety school.
It's more than okay.
Well, I mean about Karina.
Oh, God, yes.
- Mm-hmm. - Good.
Well, thanks, Haley.
For teaching a man how to fish
and not just filleting the fish.
Sure.
- Come here. - Okay, yeah.
Nope.
What a piece of work.
He's never gonna be able to fish on his own.
You got him into Penn.
Okay.
Use those mirrors.
Goddamnit.
Hi! I know the map says take 9th Avenue,
but if you take Westside Highway,
that would be amazing.
Any way you want.
I don't know what's happening right now.
I circled your block for days,
waiting for you to finally log in for a ride.
- So... - Wow.
- That is, um... - Yeah?
That's a little creepy, but very sweet.
You got a job.
Well, I've got to pay my rent somehow, right?
- Rent? Wow! - Yep.
- All right, now. - It was all thanks to you.
And my neurological confusion.
- I'm gonna be late. - Okay.
This is so weird.
Relax.
You know, I actually bought this tie on your website.
Why are you such a dick?
- We're doing this, right? - Yes.
Yes, we are.
Good.
Here goes.
You're next, huh?
Uh, we'll see.
Come on! You've been together for years.
Nah, this is our first date.
- Oh. - Okay.
It is, isn't it?
Fresh start.
Bingo.
I gotta go. So do you.
That's true.
Looking good, girl. Yes!
Thank you.
Clean slate.
Forward.
Why wait, right?
Right?