You know,
I do a shitload of reading and studying and praying,
and I've come to a few conclusions I want to share.
People look at politicians and celebrities on the TV and the newspapers,
glossy magazines. What do they see?
"I'm just like them. " That's what they say. "I'm special.
I'm different. I could be any one of them."
Well, guess what? You can't. You know why?
'Cause in reality, mediocrity's where most people live.
Mediocrity is the elephant in the room. It's ubiquitous.
Mediocrity in your schools. It's in your dreams.
It's in your family.
And those of us who know this,
those of us who understand the disease of the dull, we do something about it.
We do more because we have to.
The deck was always stacked against us.
You're either a big leaguer, or you're a slave clawing your way onto the "C" train.
Some people say Jack Αbramoff moves too fast, Jack Abramoff cuts corners.
Well, I say to them, if that's the difference between me and my family having a good life...
and walkin' and using the subway every day, then so be it.
I will not allow my family to be slaves.
I will not allow the world I touch to be vanilla.
You say I'm selfish? Fuck you!
I give back. I give back plenty.
You say I... I got a big ego? Fuck you twice!
I'm humbly grateful for the wonderful gifts that I've received here in America,
the greatest country on this planet.
I'm Jack Abramoff.
And oh, yeah, I work out every day.
Mr. Sprague. Susan Schmidt of the Washington Post.
Find it all right? Yeah. Thanks for seeing me.
I got a lot of questions for you. Ah.
Jack Abramoff, right?
I hear he was charging your tribe an exorbitant fee.
Thirty million or more.
So I guess you met his partner, Mike Scanlon, too?
Oh, yeah. He's a real cowboy.
Looks like they might be in some trouble.
Jack?
Honey. Jack. Dad!
Mikey.
Hey, I've been calling you all day, dude. Where are you?
I'm in L.A. What the fuck are you doing in L.A.?
Our world is collapsing here.
Wait. What have you heard? Are you gonna be indicted?
Well, I got federal marshals looking for me, okay? I've had a hundred media calls today.
We're under horrific assault from the worst forces in our culture.
I know. I know. You're the only one that's returned my calls.
The president's probably destroying every picture he ever took with you.
Well, you're no one in this town until you haven't met us.
That isn't funny, Jack.
Don't fucking mess with my chi, dude.
I'm serious. We are super-fucked here, okay?
They're calling us the new Watergate, Jack.
We're about to be on the Nightly News. You need to get back to D.C., now.
Step up to the line.
Dear Mr. President,
I write you this petition with hope and prayers.
As a man of faith, I have come to see God move in mysterious ways.
After we're born, he gives us the choice of two paths.
Please don't smile.
I'm not smiling.
Accept the world for the way it is,
or see it for how we might want it to be.
Turn to your right.
Your right.
To me, the choice was obvious.
How long are you gonna be holding me here?
You can get that information from your lawyer.
I do get my own cell, right?
And I only eat kosher, okay?
You do serve kosher, don't you?
Mr. Abramoff, this is a federal holding facility.
It's not kosher.
Jack Abramoff.
Snake.
What are you in for, Snake?
Assault and battery,
resisting arrest.
Chickenshit beef like that.
How about you?
Oh, me? I'm...
I work in D.C. I'm a... I'm a lobbyist.
Lobbyist. That against the law?
Next to God, faith and country,
nothing is more important than influence.
Political influence.
Influence with the powerful is like influence with God.
Without it, there's only eternal hellfire, damnation and congressional logjam.
Here the influence we wield is more important than the air you breathe.
As a licensed lobbyist, I am legally allowed to accept money from special interests...
in order to influence Congress on their behalf.
I'm essentially a conduit to motivating sleepy lawmakers...
into getting bills passed and legislation done.
Well, our client is extremely anxious to know what's in your bill.
The reality is, without lobbyists,
the wheels of Washington would come to a grinding halt.
About how much are you looking to raise with the event?
Can you tell me that in dollar terms?
Why? Because the most powerful members of Congress...
rely on lobbyists like me for information to guide them on how to vote.
And how they vote sometimes requires taking them on fact-finding missions.
Like House majority leader Tom DeLay,
who we brought to the Northern Mariana Islands in the South Pacific...
a U.S. territory where my textile clients...
produce American-made designer clothes...
without having to pay minimum wage.
Well, these folks seem happy. How are you?
Hello. Thank you. Uh-huh.
I think we should be able to vote favorably on this, Jack.
For example, your top-of-the-line stonewashed jeans...
can stay on sale for 19.95...
simply because labor costs in the Marianas remain low. Morning.
Jack is pushing Mr. DeLay hard...
to make sure the minimum wage legislation stays off Congress's schedule.
Hey, you troglodytes, will you make sure...
that DeLay gets the latest export numbers from Willie...
in case the Senate tries to kill this thing?
Oui, mon capitaine.
Lobbying is nothing more than American-style democracy in action.
And the more influence we have,
the bigger the smiles on our kids' faces.
Oh, my God!
Good morning, gentlemen. Grover, what brings you to the locker room?
Don't even bother trying to pitch him on our new clients.
He has issues with helping our native people.
Just with Native Americans, Jack.
What do they have to do with Americans for Tax Reform?
I need your help on this one, Grover.
I need the congressional friends in your organization...
to understand that there are certain American Indian tribes that need help.
Jack, the United States, from day one,
was founded on the basis that you could be or do anything you want to.
You're in charge of your own future.
There's no ceiling. There's no floor. You want to be a bum, you can be a bum.
You want to accomplish great things, you can do that too.
So, if some Native Americans choose to live in third world conditions,
why is that my problem, hmm?
Are those pistachios?
- Yeah. - Genius.
- He's here, Jack. - Listen. This is perfect for you, Grover.
It's philanthropic. I mean, the money we're saving them...
is essentially paying for their health clinics and schools.
Help them help themselves.
Yeah. Come on. There's no one in this town as persuasive as you are.
- You're a Harvard man, dude. - Yeah, yeah. The man with the crimson tongue.
Grover, all we're trying to do is help these people empower themselves.
Jack, I've known you for 25 years.
Why do I think your social gravitas...
is more than just about health clinics and schools?
Veuve Clicquot, sir.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Iced tea. Thank you.
Merlot with three ice cubes. Thank you.
Dude, seriously, I think I once got a lap dance from her at Nexus Gold.
I wouldn't know, Mikey. I'm married.
I thought I recognized her too. See? I knew it.
I think the good Lord would prefer I have deaf ears on this one, boys.
We all set? Check.
Eighteen holes, St. Andrews, five-star hotel.
Hugh Fraser, British Open champ, on hand to give a lesson. La-di-fucking-da.
Restaurant tour of Edinburgh and a two-day stopover at the Hyde Park Oriental in London.
Oh. V.l.P. tickets to The Lion King for Tom.
Great.
Okay. Nice soft grip, soft hands.
Take a whack at her. Go on.
You made contact. Great. Now I gotta sandbag my drive...
so Poncho doesn't spew in his shoes with envy? Poncho's been primed.
I've arranged to have his picture taken with Bush when we get back.
Three years ago, his tribe is weaving pine needles and selling key chains.
Now all he wants to do is drive a Hummer and buy condos in Hawaii.
Can you tell me why these clowns get to own casinos and make 20 mil a year?
Well, I don't know. Maybe 300 years of genocide.
That not a good enough reason for you, champ? Oh. Are you part Mohawk now?
Yes, indeed.
Kemosabe. One of the lost tribes of Israel.
Yeah, yeah. You're practically an Indian, dude.
Probably why they like you so much.
That's what I'm talking about.
You know what blows my mind?
All these Indians are so damn rich, and they're still acting like Wal-Mart shoppers.
He's a multimillionaire, Jack, with a $10 watch.
Just think. If you and I could access some of that liquid,
we would be running D.C. in no time.
What are you suggesting?
I'm suggesting that they pay us a ridiculous amount of money, okay?
And then you and I can split the fee 50-50 under the table.
It's a little tough on the Chippewa.
Not to mention, is it legal?
What are they gonna do? Cancel my membership at the ACLU? Come on.
Well, you know, I got a limit on what I can charge.
That sucks for you, but I'm freelance, Jack.
I'm grassroots, baby.
You're always complaining about living hand to mouth.
You know what? You deserve better.
Okay? And Chief Shanks-a-Lot there...
is our ticket out of hourly fee hell.
That's it, Chief.
Okay. Put together a pitch for Tonto. Let's see what he says.
Looks good.
Now, Chief, it's a simple thing.
Look. I've handled the Coushattas,
the Tiguas, the Aguas Calientes,
and I tell them all the same thing, Chief:
I know what it feels like to be a persecuted minority.
Yeah? Well, it's about time you guys in Washington...
finally did something good for Indian people.
Like give America back?
You got a real sense of humor, Jack. I like that.
Look. The casino is a plus if it's profitable.
But in reality, the gaming industry is very competitive.
You know, the Jena tribe, they want to open up their own casino now.
They're just one state away.
Yeah, and I know those guys. They can be brutal.
They can shut you down mega-fast.
No more Chippewa casino.
You need our help, Chief.
Hmm.
You heard Mike's proposal?
It's a tough call. It's a hell of a fee you're asking for.
Kind of a record, isn't it? But think of the billions that you're gonna save.
I can guarantee you that goddamn Jena tribe casino will never open.
And before you know it, the Jena tribe's gonna be back selling moccasins.
You know, Mr. Abramoff, we can't afford to lose this one.
You won't. Swear to God.
Give me five!
- A toast to Team Abramoff! - Whoo!
- To Team Abramoff. - To giving America back to the Indians.
All hail to Washington's biggest retainers.
Fuckin'-A! You are no one in this town...
unless you haven't met Jack fuckin' Abramoff.
Take it easy, Bill.
- Jack, you know Emily, my fiancee. Everybody. - Oh, sure.
- From the, uh, Bush inaugural. - I'll never forget that night.
McCain was in his office pounding Bushmills. "We lost!"
It's nice to see the moderates bleed from every orifice.
Amen to that.
Hey, Jack. Those Polynesian factories you rep,
uh, that make the blue jeans on the Mariana Islands.
Yeah? What about them?
Word on the street is they're goddamn sweatshops and rape camps.
Oh, all you guys from the Washington Post want to be Woodward and Bernstein.
- Fuckin' pathetic. - That so?
The Labor Department just fined your client nine million dollars.
- Must be for something. - Hey, listen, Ben Bradlee.
Mistakes will happen, but the truth is you can't tell me those immigrants...
aren't making more money than they would in China and sending it back to their families.
That's right, Scotty. We're just greasing the wheel with American dollars, baby.
- Capitalism at its finest. - Doing the Lord's work.
Doesn't sound much like American democracy to me.
Don't be stupid. No democracy, no fucking capitalism.
No capitalism, no fucking democracy.
Only goddamn communistic slave-driven bolshevism.
- Thank you, Joe McCarthy. - Fuckin' elitist!
What?
What is wrong with you? God.
Calm down!
Someone call 911. Scott is a hemophiliac.
You just hit a hemophiliac reporter from the Washington Post!
Come on! Oh, great. Another bleeding heart liberal.
It's okay. It's okay. Jesus.
This isn't good.
Enid, get DeLay for me, will ya?
Should I remind him of Bible class Thursday afternoon?
- Bible class Thursday? - Yeah.
Jack, remember, I switched it with your golf game.
Well, Enid,
you know, sometimes, even those of us who occupy the Oval Office...
can have our senior moments.
Yes, Mr. President.
Oh, Jack, Mr. Rouvelas is here.
Make sure I see it before it goes out, okay?
- Manny. - Let's grab a coffee.
Hey, listen. If it's about the Delail incident, no worries.
I fired him yesterday. The guy was a loose cannon.
It's not like the Post is an important paper in this town.
Yeah. Can we save this for later?
Bear with me. It's important.
All right, Manny. So, where's the fire?
We hired you because the partners felt...
we needed someone who had friends in the Bush administration.
It's not about friends, Manny. It's about ideas.
And you guys on the Right used to have ideas.
But now that communism is gone, all you think about is money.
So, did you invite me out for an iced vanilla chai...
just to remind me that I'm a right-wing fascist?
That's kind of beneath you, isn't it, Manny?
What's beneath me, Jack, are the clients you drag into my shop.
Those bottom-feeders in the rag trade in the Mariana Islands.
You know, there is an upside for the poor Chinese.
They get to send money back to their families in the mainland.
And look at all the great work we're doing for the Choctaw, the Chippewa.
That all sounds nice and philanthropic, Jack,
but you're buddies with the White House.
Hell, you're a good reason that idiot cinched the Republican nomination.
That's 'cause we destroyed McCain in the South.
Bush still owes you.
Why not use that? Aim a little higher when bringing in clients.
Such as?
Such as a Fortune 500 company or two.
You mean rich, white people.
Listen. I've got a situation in Florida with a client...
a very important client.
Your background in gaming might help us stickhandle it.
So, Indians?
No. Greeks.
A guy in Florida named Gus Boulis.
Bankruptcy's just the tip of his iceberg.
He needs a buyer fast.
It's a very lucrative casino op.
Anybody who can afford to get in will get rich.
Anyway, Manny said you'd have some clients...
who might be interested under the circumstances.
Yeah. Okay, Art. I'll look into it.
Have you done your davening yet? Mm-hmm.
Then come to bed. Kids are asleep. It's late.
What?
What are you thinking? About us.
Seems like only yesterday...
we were kicking around with the College Republicans.
Remember that time you brought Pavarotti to Brandeis?
Nobody thought you could pull it off.
All them lefties listening to The Clash.
Hey. I like Joe Strummer.
Mmm. Maybe I should have asked him to do a duet with Pavarotti. That would have been something.
I still love your dorkiness, hon.
Always thinking out of the box.
Oh, Adrian...
Nobody ever went the distance with Creed.
If they ring that bell and I'm still standin',
then I'll know I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.
Come to bed.
So this character Gus Boulis comes down from Canada,
opens up a chain of sandwich shops in Miami.
Then he cashes out,
and he goes into the cruise business,
buys a fleet full of yachts.
So, Boulis turns them into floating casinos, runs out of nine ports.
Tourists, retirees, some high rollers.
They call it "The Cruise to Nowhere."
But there's this Florida attorney general who's got a hard-on for gamblers,
looking for a technicality to nail this guy.
Problem is Boulis isn't a U. S. citizen,
which turns out to be a violation of the Shipping Act of 1916.
And then this idiot gets sloppy about how he runs the casinos.
He plays fast and loose with the bets.
He thinks he's still fooling around with cold cuts.
Blackjack. House wins.
The customers start to complain.
Pretty soon Boulis is catching heavy grief with his gambling license.
The gist of it is the feds are forcing him to sell.
He's got months to divest. Gives me a window.
Gives you a window? What, are you serious?
No. We're serious.
145 million, dude? How we gonna swing that?
We're gonna use our most powerful resource, Mikey: my imagination.
Well, you better imagine us as rich as the Chippewa then.
So, what do you think of SunSail? How do you think we should handle it?
We need a front man.
You know, someone strong enough to run a business, but not so strong we can't control him.
He needs to have his own money...
so he can invest, keep him loyal, honest.
You know anybody like that?
Kwikee-Mattress. The last "S" is for "savings"!
The lowest prices in greater Bethesda,
plus same-day delivery.
The principles of the Republican Party...
more closely parallel the moral vision of the God of Abraham than anyone else.
So, the question: Does God...
want people to be... liquid?
And the answer is yes. The answer is yes.
Prosperity enables us to do the right thing...
to be able to help our fellow man,
to be stewards of civilization.
ln biblical times,
taxes never rose above 20%,
which is a lesson we could learn today.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Republican Party lights the way for America...
and, may I say, the rest of the globe.
Ralph.
Really good stuff. Thanks for coming.
Inspirational, Jack. Thanks, Congressman.
Jack. Grover.
We need to talk.
Sure thing, Grover.
"Stewards of civilization"? Beautiful words, Jack.
Well, I only take my cue from the most powerful man in Congress.
You remember Reverend Mueller from my home district in Texas, don't you?
Pleased to see you again, Mr. Abramoff.
You know, it's refreshing to see both Jews and Christians...
working together to make this a better world.
I'm inspired, Reverend.
Karl. Nice to see you, Jack.
The president asked me to tell you to come by soon.
Needs a little help with his golf swing. Happy to. Thanks, Karl.
Senator. Yeah.
My, uh, clients have a, uh, substantial check for your campaign.
Really? I can't thank you enough, Jack.
You know, we're really lucky to have you.
Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, you monkeys.
Thank you. Be careful with that. See you in the car.
Watch your brother, okay, honey? What did you think of my talk?
Well, except for the part where God wants us to be financially liquid.
Sounded weird. Oh.
I meant abundant. It's... It means power.
Remember Exodus 32, the golden calf?
The worship of the false idol?
Hold the horses. She's quoting scripture to me.
Why, Pam Abramoff, when we met, you were reading Cosmo magazine,
mispronouncing all them Yiddish words.
Kvetch. Schlemiel.
I think I'm getting the hang of it.
- Jack, nice speech. - Hey, Adam. Thanks for showing up.
Wow. Really gone for the whole Jew package.
Oh, I thought it made me look more like, uh, Don Corleone.
More like Fiddler on the Roof. Hey. Don't knock Fiddler on the Roof.
lt was transformational for me when I was a teenager.
Made you want to be a milkman?
No. Made me want to be a real Jew.
Hmm.
Good-looking family you have.
A big family you have.
Pam, you remember Adam from the College Republicans?
Hello.
Well, you've done an excellent job raising the youngsters.
I'm single again. Swinging bachelor, I guess.
Good luck with that.
Listen. We need to talk.
Can you swing by my house on Sunday? We'll have dinner.
You mean like a kind of date?
What business could you possibly have with a man like that?
Honey, he's got a law degree from Brooklyn College.
He looks like a defendant on Judge Judy.
Honey.
Have a little compassion.
He's a partner in a casino in Saint Martin.
He's a respectable guy who knows a lot. He could be a very useful partner.
Useful for what?
ln five years, our family will be completely legitimate.
Would you please stop it with that, quoting movies all the time. It's irritating.
Oh, come on, honey. You know I love the movies.
And I am a Hollywood producer.
You produced two Dolph Lundgren movies, okay?
You work in Washington now.
Babe, Washington is Hollywood with ugly faces.
I'm serious, Jack.
He makes me nervous.
And another thing. I mean, how is that we're late with the mortgage payment?
We're okay, aren't we?
Oh, yeah. No. This just must be some accounting thing.
I'll look into it in the morning.
Don't worry. Put this on my desk.
I'm watching you walk away.
Still watching you walk away.
Walk away some more.
Everybody wins.
As we all know, the gaming industry has blown up across America.
This phenomenon has given great fortune,
not only to our tribe... to our people in general.
But now we're at risk of losing everything...
to the competition of our neighboring tribes.
The point is we need help in Washington, and we need help now.
And as I said in my written statement,
Mr. Abramoff here has my full support...
in recommending that he have only the best interests of our casinos at heart.
Mr. Abramoff, I've, uh, read your proposal.
I see you want one million dollars just as a retainer to start.
Well, you're asking for the best, Mr. Sprague. We are the best. We can get it done.
You want to kick some ass on the Hill, we can do it.
Let's kick some ass.
That was Dolph Lundgren, not Schwarzenegger, in case you were confused.
All right. Look. Here's my advice. It's free today.
You fellas hire Michael Scanlon and Capitol Strategies and Ralph Reed here,
who, as some of you may know,
at one time was the very famous right hand of the Reverend Pat Robertson.
He can organize some high-wattage Christian opposition...
to this proposed casino by the Jena tribe...
and do to them what we did to McCain in 2000... wipe 'em out.
You want $30 million in fees over three years.
I could be president myself for that.
It's just too much money.
The money's worth it. Jack will lobby for us in Washington.
He can help make us one of the most powerful tribes in the region.
Our people need more health care.
We need more education, not influence.
Mr. Sprague, you may not think you need influence in Washington,
but I'm telling you, to have direct access to members of Congress...
is gonna influence how they vote on the very...
Oh. Speak of the devil.
It's the congressional offices calling.
It's, uh, House majority leader Tom DeLay.
Excuse me for a moment, everyone.
Tom, how's it going? Jack, am I on time?
Everything is terrific here. In fact, I'm with the Chippewa now.
Remind me not to order the tuna from the cafeteria again.
Yes. I will, uh, remind them of what they're up against, sir.
Yeah. And absolutely that they can count on your full support.
Great, Jack. I'll see you.
Great, Tom. Say hi to the president for me. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not bragging...
when I tell you that we can have effective and direct access...
to members of Congress on behalf of Screaming Eagle Resort.
Otherwise, this beautiful casino that you have here...
is gonna shut down tight and very quickly.
ln the current climate,
we are barely breaking even now.
I say the council votes no.
Sorry, Mr. Abramoff.
I'm going to have to agree.
The council votes at 3:00 today, Mr. Abramoff.
But, uh,
thanks for coming all this way.
He's seriously messing with the chi we had flowing.
So Sprague is a subchief on the council?
It's an elected position. Poncho has zero juice. Okay?
What the hell is a ceremonial chief anyway?
Why didn't we know this before we wasted a hundred grand taking him golfing?
How the hell was I supposed to know Poncho was the fucking queen of England?
Well, Sprague's gotta go.
When's the next council election?
You're not talking about messing with the council election, are you?
Because, you know, you're gonna be in contravention of the Indian Act of 1968, mister.
Well, let me tell you something. They're fucking with our bread and butter, Mikey.
I was gonna use that money as the down payment on the SunSail opportunity with the Greek.
Tell me about it. I just put a huge down payment on this new house I'm buying.
- What? - The Du Pont mansion in Rehoboth Beach.
I told you about it. It's badass.
And I've got a lease on a suite at the Ritz-Carlton with this killer pool table.
My overhead is insane right now.
You haven't paid off your student loans. What do you need with a mansion and a pool table?
What? You're buying stuff.
Worthwhile stuff.
All right. Look. Just have Grover keep Poncho entertained...
and let him tell us mega-fast when the next election is.
Hey. I was in Florida 2000, dude. Hanging chads, state troopers.
This is gonna be a cakewalk. All right?
Tiptoe through the tulips.
Hi there.
Thank you.
Be careful there, Mikey. She probably still eats her Girl Scout cookies with milk.
Thank you.
Hey, baby doll.
Hi. Whoo!
Who the hell was that girl?
You are so cute.
She's an employee. You gotta be nice to the help.
For a Jew, I bet you get a lot of cool Christmas cards.
Oh, we see our share of Nativity scenes.
Hey. Look at you. Macho man.
Oh, you didn't know I was a guard at Beverly Hills High?
Once knocked a kid ice-cold out from Inglewood. Made the papers.
I bet a lot of guys from Beverly Hills went to the NFL, huh?
Know what I majored in in high school? Pool?
No. Fuckin'.
Really? How does it feel to get a "C" in that class?
All right. So you've gone from pool to selling mattresses? That's quite an upgrade, Adam.
I'm a very successful mattress businessman.
Really? 'Cause I hear Kwikee-Mattress is in Chapter 11.
Hey. I sold my franchise for over seven figures and got out.
Excellent. Because I've got a new fantastic offer for you.
Like what?
SunSail Casinos.
Offshore gambling?
You know who you're dealing with? Greenpeace?
Trust me. I know.
Adam, think of the fund-raising possibilities, all right?
It's like Vegas on crack. The boats go out beyond the 12-mile limit.
It's an all-cash business.
Use your imagination, Adam. 'Cause I got plans.
Yeah. Plans like Bugsy Malone.
No. Plans like to open up my own private Hebrew school.
Public education sucks. You have no idea what my kids have to deal with these days.
Your own school? Yeah.
Plus there's my foundation. All the charity work I'm doing.
Look. I'm trying to do important stuff that matters for people.
I...
I...I don't know, Jack.
I'm starting to see Charlie Manson as my roommate for the next 10 years.
This isn't a bunch of native people. You're dealing with sharks here.
I'm gonna say no.
But thanks for the $65 steak. It's delicious.
Adam, just go down to Florida with my business partner, Michael Scanlon,
and you guys talk to this Gus Boulis fellow.
You're always asking me to give you something. "Give me something. Give me something."
Well, now I'm giving you something, you schmuck.
I was thinking something maybe a little less hazardous to my person.
I dealt with commies in Nicaragua, generals in Pakistan.
I've even dealt with fucking Imelda Marcos.
Why should I be afraid of a Greek who makes sandwiches?
What's Imelda like?
She likes to play the piano and sing show tunes.
Really?
Yeah. She's got a pretty decent voice.
Has all the subtlety of a Thai whorehouse.
Not that you would know what a Thai whorehouse looks like, right?
Looks like Boulis is into family values.
Looks like he hired his whole family.
Hey, guys. I'm Chris, Gus's nephew.
Gus is running a little late.
You guys hungry? You want something to drink?
No, we're fine. I'll have a shot of Cuervo and two Heinekens.
I told Jack to forget about this place. It's a fucking reptile cage.
Boulis is doing mega business here, dude.
This blows. Whatever. He's just trying to make a statement.
This is how he operates? We've been waiting an hour.
I don't like it. I'm going back to Miami. This is nuts. Whoa, whoa.
Hang on. Adam, sit down.
Sit down, okay? Konstantinos Boulis.
- Sorry to keep you. - Hey. Mike Scanlon. Pleasure to meet you.
Adam Kidan.
Sorry Jack couldn't be here. He sends his regards.
You've done well for yourself, Gus. Nice fleet of boats like this,
dude, you gotta be a content man.
Yeah. Except for the fuckin' attorney general.
Because of him, I need to keep what's left of my sanity.
So, let's cut the crap.
You and Jack plan to pay my price?
All right. Look.
We can give you 20 cents on the dollar.
That's the best we can offer, dude.
There's no negotiation. You pay my price. That's it.
Oh, yes. I keep a 10% interest. I run the business.
And don't call me "dude."
You talkin' to me? Ah?
Are you talkin' to me?
Ah, it's your move. What the fu...
You make the move. Huh?
Sorry. Jack and his boys watch too many movies.
Movies? I didn't invite you here to listen to comedians.
- No, no. No. I was- - What? You joke with me? Movies?
Fairy tales? Get out! Whoa, whoa.
Fellas. Hey, hey. You come back...
when you can show my uncle some respect, okay?
No. I was just trying to lighten the mood.
Christos.
Come on. Who doesn't like impressions, right?
What the fuck?
Well, that went well.
Fuckin' idiot. Who doesn't negotiate?
I know. I'm telling you. He's a hard-ass, dude.
You watch me put some hot sauce in this fucker's tabbouleh.
He's not gonna scare easy. I don't know how the hell you're gonna get him to negotiate.
Yeah. Well, you know what? Try the Congress of the United States.
Boulis will turn around, Mikey. Trust me.
- Hang on. Bob? - Yeah, Jack.
- Listen. I need a favor for a client. - Sure. Name it.
- Which tribe are we talking about? - No. Not Indians. Greeks.
Casino gambling in South Florida.
I represent the 18th District of Ohio, Jack.
It's a bit of a hot potato. Can you deal me a pass on this one?
After the money I've funneled to you this year, Bob, no, I don't think you get a pass.
All right? I need your help. I need it now. Mike will send you the details.
Thanks.
So, here's the casino file.
Jack expects to see you on C-SPAN no later than Thursday.
Tell him he's pushing it.
Bob, he knows how busy you are with the upcoming fall elections.
ln fact, if I'm not mistaken,
he's organizing a huge fund-raiser for you next Tuesday.
Thank you, Mr. Speaker.
I am an ardent supporter of consumer rights.
At the heart of my comments today...
is how certain gaming companies treat their patrons.
There are a few bad apples out there who don't play by the rules...
and who must be, uh, weeded... weeded out.
One such example is the case of SunSail Casinos...
and its proprietor, Gus Boulis.
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!
You is the man. You is the man!
What's all the noise about, kids?
Oh, hey, Manny. We're just working hard finding a buyer for your client.
Hey. Good. Glad to hear it. Any live ones?
Oh, yeah. We're all over it, Manny.
No shady ones from the Marianas, okay?
Absolutely.
I serve this country and no other.
Listen. We need to get everything we can on this Boulis, all right?
I want you to call our friends at Fox News...
- and have DeLay hammer Jeb Bush down in Florida. - Okay.
No. Never mind. I'll call DeLay myself.
He wants me to hook him up with the Harvard College Republicans.
Thinks I can make him look good in front of all those Ivy League monkeys.
Yeah. Good luck with that. You know what?
He was a pest exterminator in Laredo, Texas, dude.
That's gonna be a huge challenge in Cambridge.
Hey, man. He clawed his way up to majority leader. Now he's got his eyes on the White House.
DeLay? Are we talking about the same guy here?
He was an alcoholic with famous hot tub parties before he met God.
What the hell, dude?
What the hell was that?
Never before has an individual...
who's been steadfast to our principles...
risen as high as House majority leader Tom DeLay.
Tom DeLay is the most effective...
I would say he was the most effective whip in the House,
and I would say he's the most effective majority leader,
and thank God Tom DeLay is the majority leader in the House of Representatives.
And I would just like to add one thing to that,
because I'm sure we all want to hear from Mr. DeLay.
But Tom DeLay is who all of us hope to be when we grow up.
Tom.
Thanks, Jack. You truly are my dearest friend.
Senator Jarvis, I have a check for you from the Choctaw Indians.
Oh. Press my "easy button," Jack.
And they want to wish you the best with your campaign.
I want to, uh, congratulate and thank each of you...
for getting involved in politics through Young Republicans.
What you're doing is commendable and important because,
as goes politics, so goes our country.
Grover. And a weak country cannot provide the world...
Glad you're on the team.
Jack, you know how I feel about freebies.
Poncho is the third Indian you've made me babysit this month.
There is only so much congressmen at Americans for Tax Reform...
want to be educated about the benefits of Indian gaming.
Grover.
Well, Grover, how about we fatten Poncho's donation to A.T.R.,
help you out with your operational costs?
That'd be a start. I have a hole in my budget of 75K.
Ouch. All right. I'll look into it, champ.
Meanwhile, where the fuck is your evil elf?
Mikey boy? He was supposed to take Poncho off my hands three hours ago.
You guys want to see something crazy? Bam!
A million smackeroos, baby. Give me five.
How sexy am I to you right now, huh?
Very sexy. Right?
- Sure you're not a drug dealer or something, baby? - Drug dealer, my ass.
Oh. Your lackey's defending you.
Jack and I are doing God's work, baby.
And you don't think the Indian Affairs Committee...
is gonna take issue with all the high fees you've been charging?
Since when have you become an expert on Indian affairs?
You're not the only one who knows a thing or two about Washington, you know.
Those bitches are doing the exact same thing we are... trying to open casinos.
They're just jealous...
'cause they don't make as much as you.
You are so right.
Here it is, baby.
Shangri-la, Kubla Khan, Xanadu.
Ooh. Hey. Sorry, babe.
Ah? Oh, my God.
What? You don't like? This is high-end?
This is like something you'd find in Southampton, right?
Southampton. Have you ever been to Southampton?
This is great for Delaware, dude.
Right? A little bit of paint here and there.
Come on. Mike, have you lost your mind?
It's a what?
A Zamboni.
A Zamboni machine for smoothing out the surface of the ice.
What ice?
The ice for the hockey rink. A hockey rink?
I don't see a hockey rink. Well, no. Not here.
It's being built somewhere else. Honey.
Look. These are all temporary facilities.
It's all part of the new Eshkol Academy and Sports Center...
that I'm building for all these kids... for our kids.
You were serious about building a school?
Well, of course. You know how I feel about the education that these kids are getting.
A hockey rink?
Baby, I thought you'd be happy.
I just bought us the biggest house in the whole damn state.
It's astonishing, dude. Right?
For the Addams Family maybe.
4.5 million?
I can't even believe that you would pay money for this...
this dump.
Are you kidding me? This place could be like the Playboy Mansion or something, huh?
It's all part of the bigger picture, Pam.
Philanthropy. The academy, the library, my foundation.
The restaurants, the boats, the hotel... it's all gonna pay for it.
Hotel? Yeah. I'm looking at a property right now.
The Chitimachas want to invest with me.
Jack, what are you doing?
Is this why we aren't keeping up with our house payments?
Honey, think what you want about me, but this is for our kids and their kids.
They're our priorities here. Is this even aboveboard?
Joseph Kennedy built up his entire business empire...
with the help of the Chicago mob.
Jack, honey, I love you,
and don't take this the wrong way, but you are completely insane.
Dude, we're gonna rip this crap out, throw in a sound system.
They will hear us for miles, right?
A sound system?
What about furniture? Knock yourself out, baby.
Scanlon.
Mike Scanlon? Yo.
Susan Schmidt with the Washington Post.
Hi. What can I do for you, Susan?
Well, I wanted to see if you would comment on that new minimum wage bill...
the Senate's about to pass with respect to your textile clients in the Northern Marianas.
Oh. You know, I... I... I don't believe they have all the votes on that, so...
I don't think that bill's gonna make it, actually.
Uh, I'm also curious about the work Preston Gates does...
on behalf of Native Americans.
We're thinking of doing a report on Indian gaming.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck with that.
That should bore your readers to death.
Really?
Looks like your Mariana Islands are fucked.
Senate passed the bill. Minimum wage is on the way.
I'm fucked.
Jack said he'd can me if we didn't reach the end zone on this one.
Well, I'd better man up, go break the news.
Try to do that again.
Whoo! Whoo!
Nice.
What's wrong, Ring Ding? Somebody die?
You guys didn't watch.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
The Senate passed the bill. The Marianas are fucked.
So, why the long face? This is great.
Okay. Ye...
Look. Let me... Let me run it down for you, boy. This is how it works:
Do you have any idea how much more money...
our clients are gonna have to pay us to get that bill killed in the House?
ln fact, I'm gonna call them right now, tell them they gotta double their retainer.
Enid.
Sorry to interrupt you all so hard at work.
Jack, I need you to see me for dinner tonight.
Okay.
Here's your menus, gentlemen. Enjoy your dinner.
The sashimi toro is excellent here.
No kidding. Not as good as it's gonna be at my new restaurant though.
I just hired a top-dollar Tokyo chef.
Five stars.
New restaurant, Tokyo chef, five stars.
- How you feeling, Jack? - Perfect. Why do you ask?
No reason, other than I think you may be suffering from delusions of fuckin' grandeur.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
You violated the firm's ethics policy.
We asked you to help Gus Boulis sell his business,
not elbow your way in and try to buy it yourself.
Your client is difficult. Do you think any buyer out there is gonna agree to his terms?
- I'm trying to help you out. - Help us out?
Using Adam Kidan as a front man?
He's a good guy. He's a respectable businessman.
He's bankrupt, he's been disbarred, he's a mob-connected sleazeball.
- He's told me he has a clean bill of health. - Clean bill of health?
I'd say he was a cheap, fat whore with the clap.
My God, his own mother was whacked.
What the hell are you talking about?
If you're doing business with this guy, then so are we.
You think I want my firm connected with someone like that?
And, Jack, you know what's even worse?
You lied to us.
I need you to clean out your office by the end of the month.
You're done. You don't think, do you, Manny?
You never got me. You never have, you never will.
Am I missing some nuance here?
Uh, yeah, I'd say you're missing some nuance.
You're missing a big fucking nuance.
The Wall Street Journal is coming out with a piece called "The Superlobbyist."
Do you know who that is? That's me. I'm the superlobbyist!
I get paid higher retainer fees than anybody else in this town, and you goddamn well know it.
And I'm gonna have a new restaurant, five stars.
Five goddamn stars.
- Anything else? - I love my kids.
I work out every single day.
You're gonna come out the losing end of this one, Manny.
You're gonna lose every single one of those Indian tribes as clients.
And you know what I'm gonna do?
Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna go outside,
and when "K" Street finds out that I'm available,
there's gonna be five fuckin' law firms... top-drawer... who are gonna be dying to hire me.
They're gonna be jumping up and down like little kids who need to go to the can.
"Let's hire Jack Abramoff!"
Then you should have no reason to be unhappy.
Absolutely.
Nice piece.
You playing cowboy now with those Indians?
You've kept me waiting.
Wh...Why'd you get the shooter?
You didn't tell me about your disbarment.
Not to mention your fucking bankruptcy.
Not to mention the fucking mobbed-up connections in Saint Martin.
Not to mention the fucking murder of your own fucking mother!
- Well, I was gonna tell you. - When? 2020?
You're a dangerous man, Adam. That's why I've got the fucking gun.
Okay! So go ahead! Shoot me!
Get in my house. Get in my house. You're a fuckin' menace.
You know that?
You ought to wear a sign around your neck as a public service.
"Beware. Adam Kidan, Fucking Menace."
Where's Pam? With the kids. I sent her to see her folks.
So you're the married dude, and I'm like the hot, underage mistress?
Jack, you gotta relax.
Maybe even psychologize, okay?
You gotta ask yourself, what does Gus Boulis want?
He wants to make millions of dollars and keep his fucking business. That's what he wants.
What Boulis wants is to keep his company and sell it at the same time.
He wants both.
So how do we give him both?
What if we quietly kick back Boulis's 10%, call it a consulting fee.
How does that get us the missing piece of finance? Adam, I'm already...
Look. Jack, we're just a few deal points away now.
Boulis wants to keep his piece of the business under the table.
That's against the law. He'll have to take our I.O.U.s.
For 20 million? That's a hell of a lot of I.O.U.s, Adam.
No. You're gonna have to find another way to pay him.
Trust me to handle the formalities. Sweetheart.
Jack, the boats can be ours after the weekend, and your money problems are over.
Just keep it legal, okay?
I have a better idea. Why don't you show me your pussy?
Okay. That's great, Jack.
- Welcome to Greenberg. - Okay. Down there.
Whoo! All right.
That's the one.
- Now you're getting serious. - Loving the feng shui in here, buddy.
Here. One thing missing.
Shit.
Looking good, sir. Looking very good.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, just hang on a sec. Let me see if I can find him.
Congressman. Listen. Yes, sir. We need your vote.
Tickets?
Redskins, Sunday? Absolutely. Not a problem.
I've had the honor to know Tom DeLay,
the best majority leader that, uh,
we've had in Congress in the history of the United States.
All right, daddy-o. How much if I drain this gonad left-handed?
Oh. Come on.
Twenty-five "K. " You are a cheap whore.
Come on. It's 50 at least. Look at it. It's halfway across the tarmac.
All right. Fifty "K. " You'll never make it.
All right. Here we go.
Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.
Booyah! Whoo! Fifty g's, G!
- Oh, Mikey. - What's the matter, brother?
I'm hemorrhaging money like Niagara Falls out of my ass.
SunSail, the restaurant, the school... they've all got me strapped.
I'm bouncing checks all over the place.
And now I'm really out on a limb with the second restaurant.
What the hell do you need with a second restaurant?
- Well, one of them's gotta be kosher, right? - Oh, come on.
There isn't a decent kosher restaurant anywhere near "K" Street.
- So? - We need more clients.
You need to chill out, dude.
I got a phone call this morning from Chief Nokoaht of the Texas Kickapoo.
Nokoaht of the Kickapoo? You're kidding. We're golden, baby.
He wants to meet with Bush about oil drilling rights.
I told him he wants to get her done, it's gonna cost him a million-a-month retainer.
Can you get that in the end zone?
He loves what we've done with the Chippewa, baby. Oh, awesome!
If that's true, man, you make him show you the money fast!
Show me the money! The money!
Whoo!
You do that.
Give me five. Keep it under the radar.
Congressman, I was on the phone this very day with the governor of Texas,
who told me personally...
that all of his congressional districts...
are gonna vote no on the bill.
That is correct.
Uh, Congressman, look. My, uh... My mother's very ill.
She's on the other line. Could I call you back? Yes. Thank you, sir.
We did it. We're in. We're in.
We're in like Flynn.
Look at that. Who's Vegas? Who's Vegas?
You did it, Jack.
Vegas, baby!
Glad to see you're enjoying the new digs.
You is the man, Oscar.
Glad to have you at Greenberg, Jack.
Along with the Coushattas, the Choctaw and the Chippewa.
And don't forget the Kickapoo too.
Mikey, baby.
Chippewa election central, dude, in beautiful Saginaw, Michigan.
Oh, man. ¿Qué pasa, "Mike-ito"?
It is perfect timing, because you know why?
We just closed SunSail. We own it.
Oh-ho! Sweet!
Dude! Our kwong is so flowing, daddy-o!
- How goes it down there with all the troglodytes? - The what?
Troglodyte.
It's... Fuckin' look it up. What am I, a dictionary?
Dude, listen, listen. The slate of eight rocked it today. We're in.
Wh...What are you saying? We won? We did it.
We did it. Bernie Sprague is out, Poncho is in.
Consider us hired by the Chippewa, dude. You are gold, you dog!
When it rains, it pours!
All right. We gotta start talking about billing figures.
I want 20 million from these monkeys right away.
Yes, Big Chief Rainmaker.
Oh, dude, you have to know Sprague is super pissed about this whole deal. Okay?
- He took it really hard. - Oh, yeah. What is that job he's got?
Uh, parks and recreation commissioner.
Yeah, well, doesn't the council control it?
- Why don't you just tell Poncho to eliminate the position? - You got it, man.
Trim unnecessary fat from the budget, fiscal discipline, yada, yada, yada.
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's bad karma to kick a guy when he's down.
Uh, yeah, right.
Not only are we gonna kick him when he's down, we're gonna kick him till he passes out.
Then we're gonna beat him over the head with a baseball bat, roll him up into an old rug...
and kick him off a cliff into the pounding surf below.
Go take a jog, buddy.
Mr. Abramoff's office.
Yeah, run and get Jack.
Excuse me. Who's calling?
Bernie. Bernie.
Bernie who?
Tell him I'm a rabbi on the synagogue board.
Uh, Mr. Abramoff's in a meeting.
Uh, can he return?
Tell him he's gonna have company soon.
Excuse me. Who is this?
Black 22. Black 22.
Are all these bastards related to Gus?
How do you mean? There's enough staff in here to run an aircraft carrier.
They're all family. Really?
This isn't the old country. We're in America.
Wait in my cabin.
Here it is.
This is just today's take? Yep.
Ka-ching.
♪ Over the valley voices are singing ♪
♪ Bells are a-ringing Dance, everyone, dance ♪
♪ Come to the valley Run through the clover ♪
♪ Harvest is over Dance, everyone, dance ♪
- ♪ Dance where the corn is high ♪ - More corned beef.
We want to make sure all our kosher friends in Washington are well taken care of.
And they will be here. Right?
♪ Join hands, skip along Dance, everyone, dance ♪
♪ Turn left, turn right Hold tight ♪
♪ Lift your feet The heart will follow ♪
Pam, honey, I promise, only two restaurants. Oh, Jack.
♪ Spread your wings like the swallow ♪
♪ Fly away ♪
♪ Greet the day ♪
♪ Dance, dance Everybody dance ♪♪
Mike. Mike!
Why is Susan Schmidt trying to reach you?
She just left a message for you on my cell phone. Ignore her.
She's a nosy reporter from the Post.
You know Susan's a friend.
Babe, I don't care how many white wine spritzers you drink with her.
This is business, so fuck her. I'm not calling her back.
Did you see the electrician up there? He said he would be here at 4:00.
What do I look like, the help?
You're so useless. Where the hell do you think you're going?
I'm pretty sure I told you I have a business meeting, hon.
A business meeting.
What, in your flip-flops? How dumb do you think I am?
What? I have business to discuss with Brian.
You have business with Brian?
I love you, but you're getting kinda nuts. You know that?
I gotta send Brian to Michigan to help out with the Chippewa deal.
And what part of your dubious dealings with the Chippewa is Brian a party to?
Baby, Brian is helping us fight the good fight, okay?
Oh, God, why do l waste my time here with you and these Delaware weenies?
Yeah, because you'd rather be at some gay elitist dinner party in Georgetown, right?
- You bet I would. - Later.
Mike!
Forty-two hundred square feet?
Isn't that just overdoing it a little bit, Adam?
Hey, how big is your place?
- Yeah, well, I got a family of seven. - Well, I got people too.
It's a real beauty deal here. Why shouldn't I have a few perks?
Just try to use a modicum of self-control. Is that possible?
This isn't exactly Manhattan. I'm dying of boredom here.
Yeah. Adam, listen to me. I just spoke to the money people.
The last financials you sent over don't make any goddamn sense.
I think that's maybe my pizza.
Adam.
I kick your ass, okay?
I'm gonna have to call you back.
Adam, don't hang...
No, go. Go, go, go.
Hey, hey. See you back at the boat.
Bye.
Oh. Oh.
Twelve people here... Tanya, Nick, Dimitri.
I'm not the welfare department, okay?
Finding your relatives new jobs is not my gig.
My family... they all move here to Florida because of me.
What happens to them now? They starve?
You know what? I'm really not having as much fun here as it might look like.
Okay? And I don't need your family around skimming the take.
Listen to me, you dumb Jew bastard!
That wire transfer was a phony!
My nephew, my sister-in-law, all of them, they all go back on the payroll tomorrow!
Now, you listen to me! You're out, Gus!
You don't like it, sue me! I'm not gonna sue you!
I'm gonna kill you!
Since my previous statement, I have come to learn that SunSail Casinos...
now finds itself under new ownership.
The new owner has a reputation for honesty and integrity.
Adam Kidan is most well known...
for his successful enterprise, Kwikee-Mattress.
But he also well known as a respected member of his community.
While Mr. Kidan certainly has his hands full...
in his efforts to clean up SunSail's reputation,
his track record in business leads me to believe...
that he will easily transform SunSail...
from a questionable enterprise...
into an outstanding establishment...
that the ga... the, uh, gaming community can be proud of.
- I can't hear you! - Please stop.
Please...
Please stop. Please.
Please stop.
Please... stop.
Please.
You have reached the voice mail of...
Mike Scanlon.
This mailbox is full. Please try again later.
Is Mike in his room? I haven't seen him this morning.
Oh.
I have some dry cleaning for him to pick up. Oh, I'll take it.
Mike? Mike!
Mike?
Excuse me. Does Abramoff know I'm here?
Sir, I already told you Mr. Abramoff is unavailable.
So if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time.
Huh.
Dude, seriously, I'm worried about Emily.
She hasn't returned my call since yesterday.
Well, you sleep in the bed you make, my friend.
Oh, thanks for the empathy. I really appreciate it.
Yeah, well, listen.
You can win anyone over.
Sensible people always negotiate.
All you have to do is just make Boulis sensible.
Oh, yeah? Great. Thanks, Jack. You know what?
I'm sure he's gonna be thrilled about the bogus wire transfer.
I'm serious, Jack. What am I gonna say about Kidan's phony wire transfer?
Gus, just let me personally apologize for Adam Kidan.
He is a social menace.
You gonna apologize for that phony wire transfer too?
What... What... What phony wire transfer?
Holy shit!
Gus, that was Kidan's department.
Had nothing to do with us, okay?
There is nothing that I detest more than the stench of lies, okay?
He is a... is an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect the bill.
Jack and I have your cash and I can give it to you right now.
You're all out of SunSail. As far as I'm concerned, that's it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gus. We're reasonable people here.
Let's... Let's... Let's... Talk to my lawyers, all right?
Well, listen, Jack and l would like to settle this without lawyers, okay?
How would that happen?
Gus, our new clients, the Chippewa tribe of Michigan,
just made me the highest paid lobbyist in our nation's history.
Okay? You know why? Because we help them, Gus.
And they help us, and we help you. You help us, you help them, they help you.
That's how it works. Help who? What?
Listen, the bottom line is we have serious financial liquidity now,
and we want the opportunity to prove to you, Gus,
that we can take your 11 boats and turn them into a fleet of 30 around the world.
Okay? We're talking about tripling,
possibly even quadrupling our income in six months.
A floating casino empire here, dude.
And we want you to be a major part of that.
All right. We can make this happen.
I don't want Kidan.
He's a disgusting, fat asshole. The man groped me in front of Gus.
So Kidan just disappeared from SunSail.
- How? - Jack works him like a monkey on a stick.
All right? You let us handle that.
Your pen face makes me want to puke!
This is the second time I've been a victim of family violence.
I had to hire a gorilla...
Oh. Oh. No offense. None taken.
I got a court order.
Gus Boulis can't come near the boats.
I've rented an armor-plated car 'cause of that psychotic.
Did you ever think that he might be mad at you for giving him a check for $23 million...
that's absolutely fucking worthless?
I'm talking about my physical safety!
His people are moving our slots off our boats!
He's capable of all manner of strong-arm shit!
Well, just don't do anything stupid.
Hey, I think you broke something.
Well, Adam, we break something, we fix it, right?
He is the all-time champ bastard motherfucker of all time!
And I think you'll agree it's time Gus Boulis was gone from SunSail!
- Ow! - Let us go talk to him.
I know how you talk to people. You're as subtle as a fucking chain saw.
Look at you!
Go all right?
Couldn't even get through the front door.
Something interesting happened with Walter over at the casino.
- He did an annual audit. - Oh, yeah?
Nothing matched. The accountant said that none of Abramoff's figures add up.
We're paying for hundreds of thousands worth of lunches at his restaurant.
$200,000 for his Redskins skybox.
But it's well known he helped other tribes save billions of dollars in taxes.
And that so-called grassroots campaign against the Jena?
lt was made up of three people handing out a few dozen Kinko's flyers.
The guy took us for a bunch of suckers.
Son of a bitch is no good.
He's now preying on the Kickapoo and the Choctaw.
Look, you tell me it's about taking care of things.
So l...I'll even give you a financial piece of the casino.
I just don't want to take any more chances with this guy.
I don't know, Adam.
Tony, we're old friends. Don't make me beg.
You know, I had an uncle who was half-Jewish.
He used to relax me.
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand, palm up.
Palm up. He used to go...
Ow!
Fuck.
He scared me and relaxed me at the same time.
Anyway, from what you tell me, this goof, this fucking Greek...
deserves a broken leg at least.
No, no, no. Violence sickens me.
I can hit him in the fucking head.
No! No! No shooting, please.
Look, you'll come down there and you'll be a...
What? The ship's catering director?
What do I know about cooking?
So you'll learn to make gyros. Can it be that difficult?
- Gyros? What's a "gyros"? - "Heroes."
Listen to me. I'm telling you now like I would tell my own son.
I've been in this business 50 years.
The correct move...
is to whack him.
No. Tony, listen.
You should know there's important people involved.
Political people. High up. Way high up.
And there's a lot of money involved. Hundreds of millions of dollars.
Everything is very, very, very sensitive.
Okay. I got it covered.
Got it covered.
What about Abramoff? Is he okay with this?
Jack? He'll never come down. He's in D.C.
Besides, I got the guy baffled.
Okay.
I need 40 grand right away.
I just want you to make sure Gus Boulis never attacks me again with a fucking ballpoint.
It's not funny.
- A fucking pen. - It's not funny.
All right. Hey, listen.
Why don't you go on a vacation?
Don't worry. I'll be nice.
Jack, the I.M.F. is never going to allow the Russians in...
until Putin deals with the human rights issues.
Come on. You don't think we have influence in Moscow?
I don't care! I'm sick and tired of waiting! I've come from Michigan!
- I know the son of a bitch is back here someplace. - Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Get your hands off me! - You cannot come in here!
You have no right to go by reception like that!
Hey, let's talk about the 20 million you took off my people, you and Scanlon.
- Never mind hiding in your goddamn office.
- Yeah. - Look, I came all the way from Michigan to talk to you!
From today on, Jack, I'm gonna make you my hobby.
Who was that guy?
Bad karma. Anyway, I know people who know Putin.
Ms. Miller?
I'm Agent Hanley. Please, come in.
Uh, you have something you wish to report? I do.
Ms. Miller, is this a federal issue?
You bet.
It's a little embarrassing, Jack.
Look, he's a Jewish kid from the West Bank...
who's tired of having Ηamas lob rockets into his neighborhood.
He wanted to build a sniper school, I helped him out.
With a shipment of a thousand night-vision goggles?
Okay. We make a lot of money, right? Don't you think it's our obligation to help too?
It's good karma. You bought them from the Russians, Jack.
I got a lot of good contacts in Moscow now.
Jack, Newsweek is calling you a Zionist thug.
You got that Time magazine article?
The same week that Newsweek calls me a Zionist thug,
Time magazine accuses me of supporting Islamic terrorism...
because I gave money to Grover to help him mobilize Republican Muslims in Ohio.
The press are maniacs. You know that.
A lot of people are talking, Jack. You're drawing too much attention to our profession.
Bunch of wusses.
Jack, this isn't the '90s anymore. Look around. It's post 9/11.
Bill Clinton isn't running around boasting about budget surpluses...
and drinking Krug out of crystal flutes.
Bill Clinton is the best thing that ever happened to Washington,
and I say that as a Republican.
Let me spell it out for you.
"K" Street doesn't like the limelight, Jack.
The partners and l are giving you a warning.
You're wrong on this.
Susan Schmidt, Washington Post.
Susan, Emily Miller.
I'd like to talk to you about Mike Scanlon...
and the Chippewa Indians.
270 "P" Street, please.
Hey. Who the hell asked you to sit down, pop?
Mr. Boulis,
you don't return phone calls.
Yeah, well, I work for a living. I'm busy.
Well, I mean, you got a nice operation here.
But it's rude, see?
Could I have a cracker? I'm starving.
Who the fuck are you, I should return your calls?
I'm looking after Mr. Kidan now.
His interests are my interests. He's with me.
Adam fuckin' Kidan can suck my prick.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
And no goombah wop is gonna waste my time.
Oh.
Well, maybe I should explain to you who I am before this goes too far.
I know who you are.
You're the senior citizen fucking Al Capone.
I'll cut your fucking throat. Okay, gramps?
Oh, okay.
All right, fine. I'll go.
I don't bother you no more.
Listen, trust me, Chief. Bernie Sprague is becoming a problem.
Yeah? Can you help me out with this guy?
Your guy Scallion told me to fire him.
Scanlon. Look, can you just give him his job back?
lt doesn't exist anymore. Scanlon eliminated it.
Right?
Well, look, you know, I can't...
Musharraf. I've met Musharraf, okay? Newt Gingrich knows my name.
I don't need this guy. Can you just give him some job and get him off my back?
Hey, Jack, guess what.
What?
I got the new H2 in metallic red.
It's fully loaded and it is fucking beautiful!
Great. Hope you enjoy it.
Enid!
There he is.
He ain't such a tough guy now, is he?
Gyro.
You know, this oughta make that fat Jew happy for a change.
Forget Kidan. If he doesn't do what we say with SunSail, it'll be him next.
Go!
Emily? Baby?
Em?
You here, baby?
Baby.
And over here we have a beautiful portrait by Aaron Shikler...
of our 35th president, John Fitzgerald Kennedy.
Adam, Adam, what are you talking about? Are you nuts?
You said you wanted Gus Boulis gone from SunSail.
Five shots in the head. Five shots in the head.
That's what you think I was suggesting, you fucking moron?
Well, I asked him to be my caterer, not whack the guy.
Anyway, you were over a thousand miles away. They can't connect us to it.
Are you serious?
Do you have any idea that the grand jury is sitting right now...
discussing fraud on the wire transfer?
God, why did I even get involved in SunSail? What was I thinking?
Oy vey.
So now we got blood on our hands?
Oh, no. No, no, no. They're not coming after me. They're coming after you, Adam. You know why?
Because I know those guys at Justice and they jerk off thinking about guys like you.
My right hand to God, Jack, I wish I'd never met you!
Fuck you! Fuck you, you stupid, goddamn fatty!
What? You're the one who's fat!
You fat, fat, fake Jew fuck fat!
Eat me, you goddamn fat cocksucker!
Sorry. Little issue on the Hill.
Presidential portrait collection...
What?
Mr. Abramoff, Congressman DeLay needs you to come to his office.
Yes, well, if you'll tell Tom...
that I'm currently in the White House about to see the president of the United States.
I have Chief Nokoaht of the Kickapoo with me.
Congressman DeLay says you should drop whatever you're doing...
and come to his office immediately.
- The president will see you now. - I have to call you back.
Mr. President.
How you doing there, buff guy? Looks like you been working out.
Mike! Mike, listen to me, all right?
Why... Listen. This could be very serious.
Why is the Washington Post calling DeLay about the Chippewa?
His secretary says he's freaking out about a story they're running tomorrow.
Jack... me and Emily broke up.
Oh, well, you know, buddy, you got my condolences.
But, you know, he's about to rip my head off.
No, no, no! Listen! Emily found out about the stewardess Crystal.
But this could be serious, Mike. Pay attention.
No, Jack, you're not listening!
She found Crystal's panties in my dry cleaning,
and she got super-fucking pissed and went to the F.B.l., dude!
She knew everything about "give me five," Jack. She had no mercy!
You told Emily Miller about "give me five"?
How could you be so fucking stupid?
We were getting married! She wanted us to share everything, Jack!
You're married! You know what it's like! Come on, man!
Mike, what the fuck were you thinking?
Hey! Hey! Hey! I have my priorities too, man!
You should have been thinking of me! I'm your fucking priority!
Oh, right! Right!
So when I'm in the pen catching it from some big black dude named Busta,
I'll be thinking of Jack fucking Abramoff!
We're fucked, dude! It's totally over!
Jack!
He's waiting for you.
Hey, Tom.
Come on in here, Jack.
My, uh, secretary told you about how concerned I am about this, uh...
this story coming out in tomorrow's Washington Post.
Look, they're probably gonna bury it in the National section.
Indian gambling is a very dull subject. Trust me.
What in the hell were you thinking, boy?
Tom, I don't know what this story is about. I haven't...
You listen to me!
I did not claw my way out of the mosquito-infested flatlands of Laredo, Texas,
to become majority leader of the United States Congress...
only to be brought down by a no-good lying J...
Jack, you remember Reverend Mueller...
from my home district, don't you?
Yes.
Take a seat, Mr. Abramoff.
You got a lot to answer for, Jack.
And there's just so much I don't understand.
But first, I think it's important that we, uh,
sit here together as men of faith and pray.
Reverend.
Jack.
ln the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Dear Lord, as we sit here under the shadow of a gathering storm...
You know, I think my life is over.
Honey, I don't mean to change the subject, but when did you start smoking?
lt is the Sabbath, you know.
Jack, have I not always been straight with you?
Not always the good mother and devoted wife?
Of course you have.
Then I think you should just, you know, go to whoever,
confess and, like, get it over with.
Confess?
I have no idea who killed Boulis.
Who's gonna believe you, Jack?
And what about all of this Indian gaming stuff?
Honey, I haven't done anything that every other lobbyist in Washington does.
Charging high fees... Everybody knows I save those Indian tribes billions of dollars.
Jack, they're saying that you were hiding the money you were making...
by splitting it with Scanlon under the table.
Honey, that's no different than what Ralph...
Look, that's just a technicality, really.
Look, I'm gonna sell the restaurants.
I'm gonna hire the most aggressive lawyer I can find.
Those assholes out there are accusing me of selling access?
What the fuck do you think everybody on "K" Street does? We all sell access!
That doesn't make it right, Jack.
Goddamn it! Stop justifying it!
It's all bullshit!
Maybe you're right, honey.
I just got caught up in all of it.
I should have never gotten in business with someone like Kidan.
And I got greedy with the tribes.
And I worry now...
I worry so much that I've let down God.
How about me and your kids?
What about letting down me and the kids?
That's okay. It's okay.
We're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay.
I got lots of friends on the Hill.
We have no friends, Jack.
None.
All we have are people you do business with.
I have a statement I'd like to make at this time.
The good Lord has always told me the difference between right and wrong.
All I can tell you now is that if someone is trading on my good name...
to get clients or make money,
it is unconscionable, it is illegal and he should stop immediately.
I am absolutely outraged by the dishonest and duplicitous words and actions...
of Jack Abramoff.
NBC News ln-Depth tonight, a former super lobbyist in Washington...
A lobbyist named Jack Abramoff...
Abramoff and his friends...
are some of the biggest players in the conservative revolution.
They believe corruption and illegal activities are a problem.
Mushroomed into multiple investigations.
Exploiting Indian tribes, buying members of Congress...
Potentially bad news for leading members of Congress...
Could prove to be the... the biggest congressional scandal of the century.
Could spell big trouble for some big-time lawmakers.
Well, there are a lot of people scared.
This whole thing's turning into the Enron of lobbying.
How the hell are we gonna cope with that?
Look what happened with those accountants for Enron.
They failed to cooperate and the government took away their license to do business.
I figure we make reparations to the Tiguas, Choctaws,
the Chippewas and the Agua Caliente.
- That ain't hay. - Hey, guys, you're...
You're costing us 70 million, Jack.
Oh, that much? Do you know how much money I saved those Indians?
Look, Jack, they're saying that you and Scanlon defrauded those tribes of the 70 million.
That money's gotta come from somewhere.
Who the hell do you think's gonna pay for this? We are sitting in shit here, Jack.
Do you have any idea, any of you, how much money I give away every day?
How soon can you be out of your office?
Jack!
Uh...
- I need a couple of weeks. - You have 30 minutes.
For God's sake, you're on the front page of the Washington Post.
Again?
Is it above the fold?
Enid. Enid?
Would you put a call in...
to my old friend Simon Bowler at Paramount?
Paramount Pictures. It's a movie studio in Hollywood.
Call him, and tell him I want to set up a meeting...
because I've got a great movie idea I want to pitch to him.
Do you want to hear it?
Oh, Jack.
Jack, how are you? I didn't think you still had the film bug in you.
Ah, you never lose it. And you know what?
The folks in Washington... they love movies, even if they pretend that they don't.
I mean, every week George Bush calls me to ask me, "What movie should I be screening?"
At the White House?
You're damn right.
You've been getting a lot of press lately.
Feeling the heat?
Oh, no, no, not at all. It'll all blow over. It's par for the course.
So you're here to pitch us an idea for a movie.
Based on the Old Testament. A biblical epic.
A kind of retelling of the Ten Commandments,
only this time, it's called Pharaoh's Thorn.
All right? Now, here's the great modern twist.
It's kind of a Bourne ldentity, action...like Moses leading his people out of Egypt.
Russell Crowe, perfect for Moses.
I think we can get Ridley to direct it.
Now, listen, man, this film is epic in scale.
CinemaScope. Big story.
Russell Crowe leading his people out of Egypt to the promised land.
Happy ending!
Excuse me. Yes?
Jack Abramoff? This is Agent Patterson with the F.B.I.
Yes?
Michael Scanlon?
Yeah.
Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.
Hey!
Let me call my wife.
What about my phone call? Let me call my wife.
I'm sorry.
The right of individuals, groups and corporations to lobby the federal government...
is protected by the right to petition...
in the First Amendment of the United States Constitution.
Huh? So, what's the problem?
Honestly, I don't know.
I don't know.
Very nice that you finally have decided to cooperate.
Look, I know you wanted me to do it for a while, but we finally talked about it as a family...
and that's the decision we've reached.
Right. There's one tiny problem. What's that?
You're a little late. Michael Scanlon has beat you to the punch.
He negotiated a signed deal with Justice on Tuesday.
Does that mean Jack can't make a deal?
I'm sorry, Pam. They don't need him.
They don't need you.
He kept track of everything... e-mails, phone conversations, the lot.
He was saying how the two of you scammed the tribe of almost $20 million,
how the two of you conspired to bribe Ney.
The trip to Scotland and meals at your restaurants...
It's all out there.
They're calling it the stream of things of value. Well, that is bullshit.
- It's a technicality. He knows it. - Well, it's all out there.
He's given all this shit to Justice?
Well, you know what? Your good buddy used you as his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
Now, I'm afraid I got more good news for you folks.
The Indian Affairs Committee has asked to make formal inquiries.
They're gonna subpoena you before a Senate hearing.
A Senate hearing?
Jack has helped half of the Senate get reelected, and now they're gonna...
Isn't there someone we can call?
Who's the head of the Indian Affairs Committee?
John McCain.
What are you gonna do?
I'm... I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna tell them I was doing my goddamn job. That's what I was doing. My job.
Jack! They are not gonna play nice.
Do you understand that? I strongly suggest that you go in there and plead the Fifth.
The Fifth? I might as well say I'm guilty.
I will not plead the Fifth!
I'd like to thank Senator McCain. Thank you, Senator Jarvis.
I want to thank you and the vice chairman and staff...
for your tremendous effort on behalf of this investigation...
and your continued dedication and effort of many years...
on behalf of Native Americans.
Mr. Chairman, etched in the history of our great nation...
is a long and lamentable chapter about the exploitation of Native Americans.
lt began with the sale of Manhattan and has continued ever since.
Mr. Abramoff,
you had a relationship with a number of native tribes, did you not?
Is it fair to say you felt these tribes were gullible and naive?
Senator, on the basis of the Fifth Amendment,
I respectfully decline to answer the question.
This tribe was never told...
about the secret scheme that allowed Jack Abramoff and Michael Scanlon...
to take over $40 million for services dubiously rendered.
Senator, I respectfully invoke the privileges as stated.
You can continue dodging questions, Mr. Abramoff,
yet you rip off my fellow Native Americans,
you refer to them as "monkeys" and "troglodytes"?
Senator, I respectfully invoke the privileges as stated.
This is the most extraordinary pattern of abuse and criminal conduct...
that has been before this committee the entire 18 years I have served here.
Mr. Abramoff, you've proven yourself to be callous...
and to only have been... all about the money.
Do you not feel any shame?
Senator, I respectfully invoke the privileges as stated.
While these accounts of unscrupulous men are sadly familiar,
the tale we hear today is not.
What sets this tale apart, what makes it truly extraordinary...
is the extent and degree of the apparent exploitation and deceit.
Mr. Abramoff, have you nothing to say for yourself?
Senator, I respectfully invoke the privileges as...
No.
Jack.
No. I no longer wish to invoke the privileges.
- Jack... - I have something to say, and I'm gonna say it.
Just be quiet. No, no, no.
ln fact, if we want to talk "all about the money,"
why don't we start with the four $5,000 checks...
I personally handed to Senator Jarvis for his reelection campaign.
And we know what that money was all about, don't we, Senator?
Or how about you, Senator Burman?
I donated $30,000...
to influence your vote to keep the Marianas open for business.
Remember?
And what about you, Senator McCain?
You should be sitting in the seat that I'm sitting in right now.
For years you've taken tens of thousands of dollars...
from lobbyists just like me,
representing competing Indian tribes...
who wanted to open up their own casinos that would have shut my clients down.
Sir, you're out of order!
This man, this son of a bitch is guilty.
And if he's allowed to go free,
then there's something really wrong going on here.
- Sir, you are out of order! - Out of order?
You're out of order! You're out of order!
You're all out of order!
This whole Senate hearing is out of order!
- Seize him! - Remove that man!
I've got a whole panel of senators who love to take money...
from anybody who's got a fucking bank account!
And you call me a fraud?
You fucking hypocrites! You fucking hypocrites!
You ought to stand for something!
You should protect the people!
Hold on! Hold on!
I have just completed my opening statement.
Mr. Abramoff.
Jack.
Senator, I respectfully invoke the privileges as stated.
And I'd say to you, Mr. Abramoff, shame on you.
Who the hell are you trying to look like? Look, it's Michael Corleone!
Hey, John Gotti! You're a thief and a racist bum!
We pray for you, Jack Abramoff!
Mr. President, at the end of the day...
I was vilified as Satan...
and ordered to pay restitution of more than $21 million to the Indian tribes...
as well as 1.7 million to the I. R.S.
Adam Kidan was sentenced in Florida in March, 2006,
to six years in prison for conspiracy and fraud...
in the purchase of the SunSail Casinos gambling fleet.
Bob Ney was sentenced in January, 2008...
to two and a half years in prison for allegedly taking bribes from me.
In 2005, Anthony Moscatiello and Anthony Ferrari...
were charged with the murder of Gus Boulis.
In 2006, Tom DeLay stepped down as majority leader...
and resigned his seat in Congress after being indicted by a Texas grand jury.
In 2009, he appeared on the ABC hit show Dancing with the Stars.
My two old buds, Grover and Ralph...
they never faced charges of any kind. Fuck.
And poor Kevin Ring, well, he's looking at five years in federal prison.
As for Mike,
well, he's still free and has taken up work as a Rehoboth Beach lifeguard...
as he continues to stay out of jail while cooperating with investigators.
Is President Bush involved, Mr. Abramoff?
Mr. Abramoff! Here! Here!
Is the White House involved?
It's like we're starring in our own movie.
Sorry, honey. Just trying to lighten the mood.
Get it, get it, get it.
Hey.
Made bail, huh?
Yeah, so far.
Looks like.
Thanks for coming, Jack.
Pam would be furious with me if she knew I was even talking to you.
We're still friends, right?
"I know it was you, Fredo.
You broke my heart."
Right? You broke my heart.
Or as Harry Truman once said,
"If you want a friend in Washington, D.C.,
get a dog."
Jack, you have no idea...
how much pressure they put on me at Justice.
I'm sorry, bro.
That's okay.
My lawyer tells me you only beat me to it by about two minutes.
The student becomes the master.
Your serve.
You're a good kid, Mikey.
I'll miss you.
I was sentenced to six years...
at a federal correctional institution in Cumberland, Maryland.
Pam and the kids visit me on weekends.
I spend the rest of my time leading a Jewish prayer group...
Now, guys, you all have a story, right?
And teaching a screenwriting class to my fellow inmates.
Act Two, a reversal of that incident.
That's why if you look at movies like Psycho...
Occasionally, I'll find time to throw darts at a photograph of George W. Bush.
If it wasn't for all the money I helped pour into Florida,
that idiot would never have left Texas...
and I think you'd agree we'd all be better for it.
And despite the fact that the Justice Department...
recommended my sentence be reduced by two years...
for fully cooperating with investigators,
on his last day in office...
Bush refused to even consider it.
You see, to this day...
I remain the Republicans' worst nightmare.
Not because I'm an icon to an era most people would prefer to forget,
but because once I'm out of here...
God has given me a new mission...
to remind the world what a bunch of hypocrites they all are.
You see, Mr. President, it's time to think out of the box.
- I know it's a moon shot, - Thank you.
but in writing you this letter to a former president...
who understands very well how the game is played,
I hope you might see my point of view...
and consider making an appeal to the right Democrats...
who might find it useful to help me...
so in turn I can help all of you.
Time's up, Jack. Why?
Because my name is Jack Abramoff,
and I work out every day.
Never before has an individual...
who has been steadfast to our principles...
risen as high as Tom DeLay.
Tom DeLay is the most effective...
He was the most effective whip in the House of Representatives,
and I would say he is the most effective majority leader.
And thank God Tom DeLay is the majority leader in the House.
Hear! Hear!
I'll just, uh... just add one more... one more piece to it,
'cause I think, uh, w...we really need to hear from Mr. DeLay.
But Tom DeLay is who all of us want to be when we grow up.
- Hear! Hear! - Congressman DeLay.