Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
Oh. Hey! I didn't see you there.
Come, take a seat.
How you doing?
I have a story to tell you.
My name is Tyler Sternberg and I'm a filmmaker.
Not just any filmmaker... a filmmaker with style,
with flair,
and a little bit of moxie.
Ever since I was young,
I've had the moviemaking bug.
I wanted to make something that was full of wonder
and amazement,
so I went to film school and put my craft to work,
learning every technique I could,
just waiting for my chance to make a legitimate movie.
And a few weeks after graduating,
that moment finally happened.
Ow! Come on, are you serious?
I said I was filming.
That's when I got my opportunity with this man.
An esteemed author who has published
numerous books on cults around the world.
Sure, they're sensationalized,
but a job's a job,
and I plan to make the most badass film I can
about a subject I know nothing about.
You want me to take my shirt...
You don't need to take off your whole shirt.
Might as well just do it.
You're just gonna put it back on.
Okay, dude.
That... don't...
here, okay?
Do you want me to do this?
What do you want me... what do you want me to do?
- You're the expert here. - Uh, yeah, I...
So say your name and, you know, why you're here.
Let's get this started.
Let's pretend the camera's not there.
Why?
Just trust me. It'll look better.
Are you ready to start?
I was born fucking ready.
Cool. Uh, could you clap for sound, please?
Great.
All right, let's just start with saying your name.
My name's Robert Regis.
- Don't say in the camera... - My name's Robert Regis.
Great. One more time.
My name is Robert Regis.
Awesome.
So, tell us a little bit about this particular doc.
The cult that we're looking for?
Yeah.
Uh, how could I describe it to you?
The cult we're looking for is
the Bigfoot of cults.
The Loch Ness monster of cults.
The chupacabra of cults.
The most elusive, okay?
Does the word "Abaddon" ring a bell?
No.
Legendary demon from the Old Testament.
One of the few demons that made it
into the New Testament.
That name literally means "doom."
In the New Testament,
he's said to be an angel that led an army of locusts,
a destroyer.
Well, he got himself a following
a few thousand years back.
They're called the Disciples of Abaddon.
Never been found, never been seen.
Sail under the radar.
That's what makes them impossible to track.
They're just like you and me,
only every 50, maybe 100 years,
they gather for three rituals
and sacrifice in the demon's name,
and thus get the power of immortality.
I believe that they also recruit a new member
during this period of rituals too.
All this transpires while maintaining secrecy,
which it's literally in their rules.
They can't ever get married.
They can never have any type of luxurious lifestyles.
They live like peasants, okay?
All in attempt to fly under the radar,
and it's worked for 'em for thousands of years.
But guess what?
They didn't take one thing into account.
Know what that is?
- What? - Rob-fucking-Regis.
Again, pretend the camera's not there,
- that was cool. - No, this is important
- That was pretty cool, right? - Yeah, that was cool.
That was pretty cool, okay.
Rob-fucking-Regis is on their tail now.
Okay? And you can't ever hide from me.
I will sniff you out,
I will find you, and when I do,
I'm going to fucking nail your ass
straight onto the wall for the world to see.
Rob-fucking-Regis.
Okay.
Is there any evidence of this?
I have two pieces of evidence,
and I worked long and hard to find 'em.
Through all of my toils,
I was able to ascertain two pieces of evidence
in my long, storied career.
Evidence number one:
this piece of paper.
That's a buncha numbers on it.
I'm very proud of this one.
And piece number two?
I have a drawing of this man.
He allegedly knows more.
That looks like a children's drawing.
This is a children's drawing.
Thanks, Timmy.
Now, I got lucky with this guy and he reached out.
There's also a chance this is a huge waste of time.
Fuckin' heap of shit.
- I'm looking good? - Lookin' great.
- Rule number three. - Rule number three.
Rule number three: Do I look good?
Oh yeah... Rob Rules.
Can't forget about those.
Let's quickly circle back and hear these important rules.
Very, very intricate, detailed rules.
Lots of them.
Rule number one: Always be filming.
Okay? Rule number two: Always be filming.
And rule number three:
Always make me look good while you're filming.
Anyways, where were we?
Rob, where are we?
We are at a gentleman's house that contacted me in Com...
Actually, he doesn't know that I'm bringing a camera crew,
so just kinda chill in the back, okay?
What's this guy's name again?
- Old guy? - Old g...
you don't remember his name?
I don't know; with your great drawing,
you didn't give me much specifics.
Hello!
- Welcome. - How you doing, sir?
Good. Who the hell are you?
Rob Regis.
Hey, man, how's it going?
Hippie Joe.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, Hippie Joe.
- Ready for the tour? - I'm ready for the tour.
- Right, let's go do it, dude. - Let's go do it.
I'll be right behind you, Hippie Joe.
All right.
Druggie.
Come on through, bud.
All right.
Oh, you got the fireplace going,
- that's nice. - Yeah, yeah.
- This is your place? - This is mi casa.
I mean, he lived in the back,
but this is my spot right here.
He lived here.
On the back house, but yeah,
- he lived here. - Here?
Absolutely.
Wanna see my stained glass collection?
I'm... no.
I would like to see where he lived, though.
- Show me where he lived, please. - Maybe later.
Yeah, come on through, come on through.
Okay, later, I'll see it later.
Watch out for the wasps, man, we got an outbreak this year.
Yeah, man, he seemed like a righteous dude,
but he was really weird, man.
Like, really weird, brother.
- This is where he stayed? - Right in there.
Yeah, take a look around, man.
Yeah, this is it, man, I'm fixing it up.
Needs a little bit of work.
Working on it right now.
When I'm done with it, it's gonna be magic.
Two words: purple glitter.
Yes, he was a weird dude, really weird.
Liked to drink, and you know, when he drank,
he'd start talking,
and I guess I got one of those faces you can trust,
so he told me all sorts of crazy... crazy shit.
Like, he lived a million years and was tired of it
and belonged to some kind of a cult.
- I don't know what the name was. - Yeah.
Probably nothing.
Yeah, so, um, yeah, take a look around, man.
this is it.
All right, thank you, Hippie Joe.
I'm, uh, just gonna look around a little bit, okay?
- Yeah, take your time. - All right.
Okay.
Now.
What are we looking for, exactly?
Hippie Joe!
Mind if I look in the bathroom?
- Sure. - I'm just gonna look around
a little bit, okay?
Yeah.
This is a staph infection waiting to happen.
Let's check it out in here.
Let's go.
Kid, lemme tell you.
I've shit in holes in Mexico that are nicer than this.
Do you think a disciple actually lived here?
I don't know.
Hey, Tyler!
Come over here.
Come here.
No, nothing, Hippie Joe.
Interesting choice of window over there.
C'mere.
That's it. That's the symbol right there.
Really?
This is it right here, it's that mark.
Okay, this is what I need you to do.
Go ask Hippie Joe a few questions
while I quietly investigate this area.
What am I supposed to ask him?
I don't know, ask him when he felt it wasn't important
to be a productive member of society anymore.
Hippie! My camera crew has a few questions for you.
So, Mr. Joe.
This man that lived here hadn't lived here
for a long time?
Uh, yeah, he lived here about a year,
right around.
And his personality. Tell me about that.
Uh, he was a pretty quiet guy.
You know, kept to himself, pretty much a recluse.
You know, didn't talk much.
You know, just in and out, wouldn't hear from him.
So, you guys never held much of a conversation.
Yeah, you know, he talked to me.
I mean, I got one of those faces,
so we'd talk now and then.
And other than that one incident
where he was intoxicated.
No, no. I mean, nothing... nothing more than your usual,
you know, friendly banter.
And how, Mr. Joe, exactly did he leave this residence?
He just woke up one morning and he was gone all of a sudden...
hey, man!
Don't do that.
You're fuckin' ruining my floors!
What are you doing, man?
Uh, tell me about your stained glass collection.
- Do you make them yourself? - What? I-I...
you're breakin' my floors.
Oh.
What... what are you doing, man?
- Sorry. - That's not cool.
I know, it was a weird one.
It's weird, but it was an accident.
An accident?
- Just wasn't meant to be. - Aww, man.
- Man, what... what... - I'm really sorry, Hippie Joe.
We gotta go. We gotta go, I'm sorry.
Thank you for your time.
Unbelievable, man.
- Ready? - Hold for plane...
Yeah, there's a lot of planes right here.
John Wayne Airport's right down the road.
Look how fuckin' slow they go, too.
Fuckin' slow piece of shit.
Yep. Wait, are we still getting that plane?
Don't worry, the dog doesn't do anything,
just wag his tail.
He didn't quite pan out how I thought he was going to.
Got that "Beware of Dog" sign for nothing.
Come on!
Let's go, kid, let's go.
What I am about to tell you is top secret.
I've been able to ascertain from these numbers this.
What?
What, a phone number?
Like, a Social Security number?
Goddammit, kid, you're not helping me.
What does this look like to you?
Like, uh... like a code for a bank safe.
Code. It is a code.
Not a bank safe, though.
You don't got nothin' else?
Uh...
No. No.
Like, dude, they're just a bunch of numbers.
I have no fucking clue.
Like, what the fuck do you think this is?
Shh! Shut up!
Three. Starts with a T.
Tiffany.
One! What's one start with?
Zero. Olivia.
Two. Starts with, uh, a T.
Theresa.
What's not right here?
There is no six.
Six and the nine's down here.
God, I could go for a good 69 right now.
Six. Starts with an S. Sarah. Suzie. Stacey. Samantha.
Oh my god. Sabile.
It's fucking coordinates.
This is coordinates right here!
That's exactly what it is.
Are those all, like, girls you slept with?
You know the answer to that, boy.
Oral sex?
Okay. Where is this going to?
Mm, do we need like a map... is this like...
Yeah. That's the next thing we have to figure out.
This guy sure got really far out here.
Okay.
It's this way kid,
and we take this path.
I'm gonna hop up this
and then we're gonna start moving.
Let's go.
Give the old man a push.
Okay.
Let's go kid. Hurry up.
You're taking forever.
Son of a bitch!
Oh, jeez.
Jesus.
Let's go.
Fuck!
That's it right there.
We were too late.
Fuck!
Why am I so out of goddamn shape?
Son of a bitch!
See?
See, here's where one of the symbols is recreated.
I think that's lambda.
Don't make up names for things.
And here's the other symbol.
That's phi.
Seriously, stop with the names.
This right here...
is essentially a cell phone call to Abaddon.
Lettin' 'em know that it's that time.
Next, possession,
and then lastly,
it's reincarnation of him himself.
And we just fucking missed him.
Fuck!
We were this close, kid.
Just...
Did you hear that, kid?
Kid, did you hear that?
Kid, are you hearing this?
Where is it, kid?
Over here, kid, come on.
Over there!
Wow!
I see you.
Yeah.
Little elf-boy.
And Lady Galadriel, weave your cape.
You getting this, Tyler?
I got you.
Yeah, I got you, Gandalf.
Aren't we gonna chase him?
No.
They're just gonna keep playing with us,
lure us somewhere that we don't wanna be right now.
We gotta get going before the sun goes down.
That ritual that we just missed?
That's exactly what we need to film and document.
Soon as we get that,
we prove their existence, kid.
Okay? And we missed it.
But...
it's okay.
Come over here.
We're gonna get 'em,
I think I figured something out.
So here's the ancient code.
I think this could be our guide to catching them
in the act of the rituals.
So I know everything between here and here,
and the middle bracket all the way down,
that's coordinates.
I know that for a fact.
I don't know what everything on the left over here is,
or on the right,
but I know dead center in the middle is coordinates.
So all's not lost.
We're gonna get 'em, kid.
Dear video diary:
It's me, Ty-Ty.
Weird day.
I mean, the weirdest part is that this dude actually believes
all the stuff he's talking about.
It's like the Illuminati conspiracy.
But cool part for me is that it gives me a chance
to actually do something good,
gives me a shot to actually shoot something professional.
And that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna shoot this nutjob and all his delusions, and...
it's gonna fuckin' rock.
We'll see what happens next.
Ta-ta.
So I'm gonna throw it at you.
All right.
- Right now? Okay. - Yeah.
Wait, I threw it at the camera!
Hey! Get... back up.
I'm hormonal as fuck right now.
Watch out.
You know you like it.
Just tell me you like it.
Uh-huh. That's what you like to tell yourself?
Hey.
I know what we're doing later.
I'm on my period, dude!
I'm gonna bring the camera.
What? No! No.
Rob, this is for you.
I'm documenting that someone broke into my fucking place
and put this vial in front of my flowers,
my pretty flowers.
Unless it was you, babe.
What?
Did you put that there?
No. You already asked me this.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
- It's very romantic. - Cool.
Why don't you drink it?
Uh...
Come in.
Come in!
Kid?
This is... this is a mess.
When's the last time you cleaned up in here?
Oh! Like the dog.
I'll take a scotch.
It's fuckin' noon, dude.
That doesn't mean anything. Where's it at?
Let's go, sco...
Somebody fucking broke into my place last night
and left this... I don't know what the fuck this is, but...
- fuck, dude. - Shh!
- Have you tried drinkin' it? - No. What?
I'll grab your camera and I'll get a close-up.
Go ahead and take a little sip.
This is your documentary, kid.
This is one of those opportunities,
you know what I mean?
I'm not going to drink this.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Promise you'll be fine.
- Okay, if you're gonna be... - Just a little sip,
just a little sip.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Yeah, just a sip.
And then look at camera right after.
I'm not gonna... like...
I have no idea what it's gonna be, I can't...
If I thought for one second it was harmful to you,
absolutely not.
I'm not a monster.
There you go, cheers it.
- Cheers. - Cheers, buddy, there you go,
let's try it.
There's my big boy.
There we go.
- What did it taste like? - I don't know, ugh.
Okay, lemme see your eyes.
Let me see your eyes, look your eyes into the camera.
Open them wide.
Open 'em wide.
- What? - Oh.
What?
It's not poison, kid.
- They're not trying to kill you. - What the fuck, dude?
You thought that was gonna be poison?
Ah, you never know.
Could it be, like, a late onset?
Like, am I... are you sure I'm gonna be okay?
Yeah, it could be, but I wouldn't worry about it, kid.
Should I go to a... like, should we go to a hospital?
No, no!
I got a place we're going.
Where?
You'll just have to follow me with your camera and find out.
Should I go to the hospital, like, for real,
just to see, like, if it... if anything else...
if something's bad?
I don't want something to be bad inside of me.
Kid, you are totally fine, okay?
Hey, stay with me here, kid.
You're all good, baby.
You're all good.
Did it look cool, like, when I drank it?
It looked so cool, kid, you're gonna look so cool.
How the fuck do we get outta here?
This is where the coordinates lead, pal, right here.
We're gonna catch these fuckers red-handed, huh, buddy?
I don't fucking see anything, dude.
It looks like an empty shitty house.
What are those dogs barking at?
Why do you think they broke into my place?
Why do I think they did that?
- Yeah. - Probably because
we're getting close.
Fuckin' L.A.
Don't you wanna be a famous director?
Women, pussy, titties?
Fuckin' golf whenever you want?
I don't golf, dude, and this isn't fucking good shit.
I'm not getting anything.
I'm getting you staring at nothing.
Hey. We're gonna get something.
All right? I promise you that.
This is the place.
This is where the coordinates were.
I didn't rip fuckin' Hippie Joe's floor up
for nothing.
I do feel bad about that, for the record.
Looks empty to me.
But these are the coordinates!
I'm not staying here all day.
I'll show you it's empty.
Hey, kid, wait.
Wait! They'll see you! Hold on.
Kid, hey, get back here! They'll see you!
No one's here.
All right, Mr. Robert "Finding cults is my hobby,"
let me prove you were wasting my time.
Take a look. Completely empty.
No lights on. No cars.
Looks completely abandoned.
Ow. Pricker. Ow!
Fuck roses.
Locked gate.
I just showed you the footage. Rob.
No one is home. It's empty.
They are busy breaking into my place.
I know.
It's not cool.
I didn't sign up for this.
I don't feel safe anymore.
Tyler...
the reason you don't feel safe is because you're a pussy,
and the reason you're a pussy
is because you don't know how to defend yourself.
And I do want to help you with that.
I need you to stick with me, kid.
Okay?
Stick with me,
and I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself.
By the time I'm done,
you're gonna be having people piss blood
that break into your house.
Okay?
- Okay, it's... - But I need you
to stay here with me.
We're on to something, I promise you that.
- Okay? - All right.
- It sounds kinda cool. - Yeah, it's really cool.
Especially the first time you do it.
Now, I know these are the coordinates.
I know this is the place.
That might be the case,
but right now, it's empty, dude.
That's what's throwing me off.
All right, Rob, I'm ready to fuckin' fight.
I'm ready to fuckin'... fuckin' do this.
You hear that?
The wild animals, and a quinceañera,
But the wild animals, they're listening,
because their life depends on it, okay?
Now, your life someday very well might depend
on what I'm about to teach you,
so I need you to listen, okay?
Now.
One punch.
Two punches is for cowards.
Real men, it only takes one.
How does that sound, right?
- Yeah, I wanna fuckin'... - One punch, okay?
Nobody's fuckin' breakin' in to my house again!
Yeah! Nobody's breakin' in to your house again.
Now, what you wanna do is you wanna take this fist,
and you wanna put right through the bottom of the ribcage,
right there.
You wanna hit 'em really hard right there, okay?
Lemme see your fist.
You wanna hit it right there.
Yeah. Dude, that kinda hurt already.
That already hurt, right?
So that's the first part.
Okay.
The second part... why don't you put your hood on?
Okay, why am I putting my hood on?
Oh, fuck!
Deception!
You're not gonna like what comes out of your pee-pee hole, kid.
What the fuck's gonna come out of my pee-pee hole?
Hey, kid.
You did good today, all right?
And don't worry, we're gonna get 'em.
Now. If you're gonna be following me around,
I can't have you looking like a hobo.
I had my girl over in the bazaar in Little Armenia
make you this shirt custom.
Wear it, okay?
- Thanks? - Now get outta here.
Get outta here. I got stuff to do.
What a day.
Anybody here?
Hello?
Hello!
Hello?
Nope!
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.
Nope!
Nope.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope...
Hey, Nova.
Leia!
You home?
Babe?
Jesus, it took you long enough.
Okay; right place, wrong time.
Let's go.
Good job, you didn't break rule number one.
Let's go!
How do you get outta here?
Let's check it out, kid.
All right, kid.
You can hop this, right?
No, I cannot.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
Wow.
I'll squeeze through the gate.
Thank God you weren't in Sumatra in '04.
Up, up, and away.
Shh!
Rob! Do you see anything?
Nothing. Let's keep going.
Goddammit, kid. Watch it!
Okay.
Okay, kid, let's go check over there, come on.
With me, let's go.
Come on.
Get over here.
Okay.
Come on, kid.
Kid, kid, kid, come here.
Try to get in there, try to get in there.
Go around.
This is what eternity looks like, kid.
Hey! All the lights in the front houses are on.
Rob, you're gonna get us caught!
Did you just...
Yeah. I pulled out a pipe.
Oh my God, this is it, kid.
This is it.
Oh, shit!
Run, run, go, go!
- Oh my God. Oh my God. - Let's go. Hurry up!
Run, run, run!
Rob, run! Run, run, run.
Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Holy shit, they're coming.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
They're coming, they're coming...
Come on, what's taking so long?
I'm stuck!
Well, squeeze your fat ass through!
I can't get through, I can't get through.
- Get me outta here! - Push, push!
- I'm pushing. - Well, push harder!
Pull harder!
They're coming, they're coming, they're coming,
they're coming...
You better have got that on camera, kid.
Kid, just tell me one more time.
Did you get that on camera?
I got it on camera.
Damn, kid.
I fucking love you.
Come over here.
That was it.
She was the sacrifice, and that is a damn shame
because she wasn't too bad looking.
She had bloody eyes.
Yeah.
She did.
Well, through that glory hole
that I blew through the side of the wall,
we were able to get a glimpse into their existence.
Not just their existence.
One of their most sacred rituals, for God's sakes.
This is huge.
I don't want to scare you, kid,
but things might start getting more dangerous.
Right here, we have the coordinates, all right?
Starting at the three we have coordinates.
This was their first ritual.
Now, we came down, we missed that one.
We weren't there on time.
This is the second one.
Coordinates. Right, you got these four numbers.
So, right here, it's reverse military time.
2-1-3-0. Reverse that.
What time is it?
The exact time that we were there.
Not really a Scotch guy.
Dude, I'm not gonna fucking drink this.
Cheers, kid.
Hey, kid, look at this.
Look at my balancing skills.
I do what I want, Rob.
This is my movie.
- Talking to yourself? - What? No, I'm talking...
I'm just editing footage for Rob.
- Okay. - Yeah.
This looks pretty gnarly.
Yeah, he is an ugly guy.
No, that's not what I meant.
I meant, like, this is some crazy shit.
He spent all of his life,
like, just trying to follow cults.
This is all pretend.
It's not real.
- Don't be worried. - I don't know.
It's all just a bunch of stuff to sell books.
- It's nothing. - I don't...
You got to be careful with that stuff.
It's all for show.
This cult isn't that hardcore.
Yeah, I'm sleeping with the lights on tonight.
Damn it, it's the screen door.
Holy shit.
Oh my God!
What the... what the...
Okay, I have you on camera.
Do you want to talk about this?
Do you want a spritzer?
Do you want a soda?
I don't have any soda.
Cutting down on sugar.
I don't know what the fuck you want.
Get the fuck...
Where...
What the... what the...
Where...
Ah, fuck me.
Fuck.
Hey, Rob, we need to stop,
people are breaking into my house.
This is not... I can't... I can't do this anymore.
That was good, that was the one.
That's the one, go with that one.
I got to talk to you seriously, Rob.
Yeah?
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
Oh, kid, come on, don't give me that.
Somebody broke into my place yesterday again,
and this time they fucking attacked me.
Did they attack you with weapons?
No. He, like...
Kid, this is a good thing.
This means we're getting close.
This is great news.
Hop in the car.
Let's go!
Okay, kid, this is a good thing, all right?
There's no version where this is a good thing.
Like, someone came into my place, attacked me.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I'm not... you're not even fucking paying me.
Kid, look at me.
When was one time in your life
that you actually did feel safe?
I don't know how to answer that, Rob.
Exactly. Never.
And we both know why.
Okay, so it doesn't take a lot to scare you.
But believe me, when you start getting close to shit,
people start messing with you more, man.
That's how this works.
I told you it was gonna be dangerous.
Now we are on the trail.
Okay?
You're a badass filmmaker.
You're a documentarian, dammit.
So now is not the time to quit.
Now is the time to throw it into fourth gear, baby.
All right?
Fourth gear? No.
Overdrive.
Got to get some gas here real quick, Tyler.
No, bitch, keep going.
Keep fucking going.
No, I'm staying here.
You keep on moving.
It's like an 80-year-old woman in there.
I know. Fucking old people, right?
What?
That's that fucking car from the other night,
right there, guaranteed.
That's it! I need you to go in there and look inside.
See if you find anything.
- What? Me? - Just go open the door.
You think that piece of shit has locks that work on it?
Look at the bumper. Of course it doesn't.
Just go open the door, peek inside.
I'm gonna watch the door of the food mart
to make sure he doesn't come out and get you, okay?
- No, I'll be on watch. - And I'm gonna film you.
This is gonna be your moment.
You're gonna look so fucking cool.
- You're gonna film it? - I'm gonna film you.
You are gonna look so cool, man.
- Come on. - That would be...
It will be really cool, right?
- Okay. All right. - Yes. Okay.
No, I can't do it, I can't.
If he comes out, I'll protect you. Go.
- I can't fucking do this, dude. - Just go.
Look inside!
Give me the camera.
Go, go!
Go. Go, Tyler, go.
You got this.
You're the best.
Go, go, go.
Yeah.
Come on, there we go.
The coast is clear, kid, come on. Let's go.
Get your little dirty ass in that truck.
Yes! I knew it would be unlocked.
All right, there you go.
Bada bing, bada boom.
What the hell is taking so long, kid?
Come on, you should've been out of there by now.
Wait, no, why are you looking in the tr...
Okay, yeah, check the bed of the truck.
Wait, now where you going now, kid?
Kid, what the hell are you doing?
You don't need to go to the other door.
What the fuck is he doing?
Are you lost?
A little bit faster, a little sense of urgency here, kid,
come on, let's go.
Wait a second, that looks like he could be the guy.
Wait, that is the guy.
That's the son of a bitch right there.
Okay, let's get the fuck out of here, dude.
Fuck, just fucking get out of here.
Fucking insane as shit.
Look cool, be cool, man, be cool.
Why aren't we driving? Why aren't we driving yet?
Let's go.
All right, kid, settle the fuck down.
- You got one? - I fucking got something, dude.
- You got it? - Yeah.
What did you get?
What'd the inside of his car look like?
There was garbage everywhere.
It looked like there would be garbage everywhere.
- Is he following us? - Doubt it.
How do you know?
Well, actually, I don't know.
This cult seems crafty.
Pull over. Let me fucking show you.
Okay.
Hold on
Yeah, we're good.
Nobody is on our tail.
- Let's see what you got. - I don't know,
there was a bunch of shit in his car,
but this looked like it could be something.
What do you got here?
What do you think it is?
I have no idea.
But I know somebody who will.
We got to get my bolo tie.
Am I going too fast? I can't even hear you, kid.
You got to stay up with me. Let's go, come on.
- You're, like, power walking. - I got to get changed.
Is that yours?
Yeah, don't worry about the car.
- Sweet. - Yeah, ain't too bad.
That's a 1970 Cougar.
- Can I drive it? - No, absolutely not.
So these are the cars I'm working on right now.
This is a 1971 VW Beetle Baja.
- Nice. - So they...
What we got here is I chopped the whole back end off
so I could just slam a big old, uh,
what is it, 1915cc engine onto it.
It's beautiful.
And, uh, changed out all this stuff:
the interior, dash, front tie rods.
And, then, back here I got a Jaguar.
So, uh, when you're at home, you just...
this is what you do, you just fix cool cars?
Yeah.
I don't even drive 'em half the time after I finish.
- Why do you do it? - I don't know.
I just like working on 'em, kid.
Something about it, I guess.
Just calms me down.
Can I drive it?
No. No.
God, no, kid, these engines are huge.
Why isn't this in any of your books?
Ah...
I got to go change.
Wait there.
And don't touch anything.
"Rrr."
I'm Rob. I fix things.
Bo, bo, bo.
Click, click, click.
Ah!
That's right, Rob.
All right.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-choo!
Oh, hey.
What you doing over there?
Need a ride?
Yeah, it's mine.
I put it together myself.
I fix cars, you know.
It's just a hobby.
It's what I do in my spare time.
What are you doing, kid?
You know, playing, playing around.
This is a cool car you got here.
Really cool car.
Yeah, this baby will go off-roading in the desert.
Baja Bugs, really versatile vehicles.
So, are you ready to go?
Ready to go. Hop in.
- Let's get out of here. - Where are we going?
- I'm driving. - Oh, yeah?
Where are we going in your imagination?
Uh, kind of just picked up a lady.
Maybe she has a friend, you know.
Two ladies, I like it.
Do you know how to drive stick shift?
Uh, no, I do not, unfortunately.
Mm.
How do you not know how to drive stick shift?
I feel like that's like a thing
a dad teaches his son, you know?
I never really...
My dad wasn't... I didn't really have a dad growing up,
so I didn't really get to learn
how to drive stick shifts
or play baseball.
You were raised by your mother?
- Yeah. - That makes sense.
What is that supposed to mean?
It's not a bad thing. It just means you're, you know,
in touch with your feelings and...
And that's...
That's good.
You know, it's a lot harder to teach compassion
and vulnerability than it is to teach somebody
how to drive stick shift or work on a car, you know?
So those are strengths that you have
even though you might not think so.
And I don't fully think so, but...
...there is some strength
in having those qualities.
Uh, think you could teach me how to drive stick shift?
Absolutely, kid. I'll tell you what,
when we get back from this thing,
I'm gonna teach you how to drive a stick shift.
No problem, you're gonna be driving stick shift
in ten minutes.
And I'll teach you what, uh, everything on this engine is.
Coil, distributor cap.
I don't care about that.
I mostly just want to drive your car.
Also, I put these clamps on my nipples
and I think they are filled with electricity, so...
Nice glasses, Rob.
You look, uh, kind of nerdy.
I like it.
Okay, get it all... get it all out right now.
Get it out right now. I have to wear 'em
for long car rides.
It's a curse.
So do you really know someone
who can identify this gemstone?
Yes, I know a woman.
Who?
- My wife. - Who?
My wife.
Are you... are you saying a name? I can't hear...
My wife, Tyler, okay.
My wife.
You have a wife?
Yes, I do have a wife.
I had no idea. Are you guys separated?
- What's the deal? - No. Yes.
- Ooh. - But we're only separated
because Jackie Bear hasn't forgiven me
and taken me back yet, that's the only reason.
Jackie Bear.
Don't you ever say Jackie Bear.
It's Miss goddamn Regis to you.
Okay?
Sure, sorry. I mean...
Yeah, okay.
Do you think she can help?
Do you think she can check out this gemstone?
Yes, she's gonna... she's gonna be able to help.
But what about you? Do you got a girlfriend?
Uh, yeah.
Is she a pillow, Tyler?
No, she's a person.
- She's real? - Yeah.
Okay, so she's not a pillow?
She is absolutely not a pillow.
Okay, okay, all right.
That sounds good.
Why are we pulling over?
I don't ever want you to let your girlfriend go,
your fake girlfriend, but when you find a real girlfriend,
I don't ever want you to let her go, okay?
Listen to me right now, this is important.
Two reasons.
One...
The loss of one's true love
is the act of drowning on dry land
in a stream of endless tears that form in the ocean
and then that ocean is your heart
and your soul that lives on a tiny little island.
And it's a sad, sad place.
That was shockingly poetic, Rob.
Where did you learn that from?
I read it on a Beanie Baby that Jackie Bear gave me.
And number two:
I don't think you would ever find another pillow
that will accept you for who you are.
- She's not a pillow. - She is a pillow, my friend.
She is as not a pillow as it gets.
She's a human being.
Okay, okay.
Let's get going here.
All right.
You know, since you're such a wise sage
about advice on relationships and love,
why don't we talk about the Abaddon disciples
and how fucking cool it would be to live forever?
It would not be cool to live forever, Tyler.
What are you talking about?
Dying is like the scariest thing in the world.
Tyler, I embrace it.
I'm not scared of it.
I know it will come my way eventually.
And let me tell you something, when it does,
I'm not gonna go out like some bitch.
I ain't going out with old age.
I ain't going out with syphilis.
I saw how that shit works over on the islands.
I'm gonna have my goddamn head bashed in.
I'm gonna have my guts ripped out, Tyler.
That's how I'm going out.
Mm, 'kay, well, not me.
I'll take never dying.
Well, guess what, Tyler, if you never died,
pretty soon you would find yourself
in a habitation pod on Mars masturbating relentlessly
because you got nothing better to do.
Could be worse.
My Jackie Bear's humble abode.
She's gonna be so pumped to see me.
Jackie Bear?
Jackie Bear...
Oh, shit!
You're so beautiful.
- Ugh. - You're so beautiful.
I love what you did with your hair.
I love what you're wearing.
God.
I have missed you so much.
I really have.
I'm so happy to see you.
- Really? - I am.
What do you want?
I would like to be part of your life again.
I love this.
I love your little shitty trailer.
I love... I love it, okay?
It just...
It feels like a home.
I'm not gonna lie, it makes it really hard for me
to look at you right now,
realizing I left such a beautiful woman.
- Hm. - Yes.
So my intelligence or my knack for rocks
or any of my degrees doesn't matter?
It's just my boobs?
Ah, it's...
...all of it.
And...
And I've always loved you, and I'm sorry, okay?
He did say great things about you in the car.
Really?
Tyler, has he told you some stories?
Some good ones.
There was that one time in Mexico, remember,
when you ended up running around bare-ass
with a bottle of tequila hanging out of it?
Hey.
It was really, really beautiful.
Why don't you tell Tyler about the whiskey bottle up there?
You mean tequila bottle.
Cheers to that.
- Come on. - There's the door. Go.
Baby, there's something really good here.
And I love you,
and I've always loved you, and I'm sorry, okay?
What would change?
Everything would change.
Everything.
I would pick you first.
Okay, I would never pick my work over you.
I would always do what you want to do.
We would chase your dreams.
And, I mean, what do you want to change?
What else?
You would be first.
It would be Jackie Bear first.
That would be the Rob Regis policy,
Jackie Bear first.
And I wore your favorite bolo tie.
- Yeah. - Okay?
And... and on top of that, I think I found something.
I really did.
I did! I really think I did.
- I brought a camera crew even. - Yeah, mm-hm.
I brought this here for you to look at
because I think you're gonna find it exciting.
So, that's why you're here.
No. I mean, it's a byproduct of why I'm here.
Now...
Take a look.
Is it another rock from a pet store?
No.
I look at this, you sign the papers?
Done.
Okay.
Well, it's shiny, that's for sure.
It's...
Um...
Where did you get this?
Do you think it's Old Testament?
Why would you specifically ask that?
Because I think it might belong
to one of the disciples of Abaddon.
I know it's crazy, it might not even exist.
But I really think I'm on to something here.
Is it possible?
It is possible,
but what you are chasing might as well be Bigfoot.
They don't exist. It's the Loch Ness Monster.
How did you get your hands on something like this?
Oh my gosh, you really think I got something?
I do. I... I overwhelmingly do, but I am shocked
that you would have such a thing.
Yes, Tyler, you hear that?
Okay, baby, number one,
I will never sign my divorce papers,
absolutely not, because I love you.
I'm coming back for you after I check this out.
Mwah! Tyler, let's go!
Grab my hat.
Tyler...
Sometimes, you go looking for something,
something your heart aches for
and dreams guide us to.
The search could take years,
all in pursuit of this one specific thing
that we feel matters more than anything.
And after all that searching and exploring,
you find something else,
and that something else is incredible,
way more special than what the original thing
you were looking for was.
That's what happened to me.
And I was in pursuit of something incredible,
a rare gemstone hidden in an ancient Macedonian temple
tucked away in a little corner of the world.
Instead, I found him.
And he was special.
Is...
...that the tequila bottle?
Babe.
- Babe. - What?
I hear something.
It's fucking scary.
Something scary is always happening to you.
- Babe. - I will punch you in the face.
Seriously, babe, there's something in the house.
What's your spirit animal, kid?
Uh...
Giraffe maybe?
No, wrong.
Why, what do you think?
You already know what my spirit animal is?
I know exactly what your spirit animal is.
- What? - You're a doe.
- A doe? - Yeah.
That's what you are.
- What are you? - You know what I am?
- Yeah, what? - I'm a hybrid.
- What? - I'm a wolf
combined with a boar.
That is me. Wolf boar.
All right, wolf boar,
what's the deal with this last ritual?
So this is the last and most important ritual.
It's the ritual where Abaddon allegedly materializes
and gives immortality to cult members.
Until they perform this all over,
legend is the cult, including the newest member
that was just recruited, sacrifices someone
tearing apart their flesh, and then consumed with evil,
Abaddon gains the power that keeps the spirit alive.
Speaking of spirits,
did you really have a bottle stuck up your ass?
Hm.
Uh...
- How'd that happen? - No.
No, I didn't.
Why would she make that up?
Look how nice it is out.
- It's a beauty. - All right,
let's change the subject.
Nature.
Perfect place for a cult.
Let's go.
Hold on, Rob.
Give me a sec... Rob, give me a second.
I got to fix my camera, it's acting funny.
Rob...
Hold on.
Really tough to walk here.
Here, give me your hand.
Are you rolling?
I'm always rolling.
How far in do you think it is?
I don't know.
Oh.
Oh, kid.
Kid, I need to borrow your inhaler.
I don't have an inhaler.
Really?
You look like someone who would have an inhaler.
Okay.
Did you hear that?
Do you think they came this way?
Don't know.
Maybe not.
Did you hear that?
You hear that?
Under the bridge now.
I don't think anyone's there.
Get down.
Get back in here.
We were looking for them, but they found us.
Come on, kid.
Uh, Rob, what are these creepy graves?
I think it's for the sacrificed.
Is that an Abaddon footprint?
No. Scarier.
Mountain lion.
See this? These fuckers put their symbol on everything.
We're going the right way, kid.
All right, kid.
Set the camera down for a second.
And take my jacket.
Don't mess this up.
It's my prized possession.
I want an epic shot of both of us
right before we catch this last ritual
and blow this story open.
You look great in that shirt, by the way.
Yeah, thanks for getting it for me.
Yeah, I think they're over in that direction.
Kidney punch.
Thanks for teaching me that, Rob.
Rob, Rob...
Rise and shine, buddy.
Why, Tyler?
I told you I'd do anything for immortality.
I wasn't joking.
Don't worry.
Every hundred years,
I'll watch this movie we made and think of you.
Ow, pricker.
Say hi to Abaddon for me.
Tyler?
What?
Any last words?
Tell my wife I love her...
...and I'm sorry about Mexico.
Do I believe in that black magic hoodoo?
No, absolutely not.
But when I catch them, and I fucking will,
my name will become legend.
Robert fucking Regis.
Cool story, right?
Crazy ending.
And to think I made it all up.
None of that was true.
Also, you like the necklace?
I do too.
I stole it from this tr...
I mean, bought it from a necklace store.
Anyhow, I'll see you in the future.
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull