[bright warbling] [liquid gurgling]
[glasses clinking]
♪ Livin' in the world of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind
♪ I've been talked about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul
♪ You better look around
♪ You better be wonderin' what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you, but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land
♪ You better look around
♪ You better be wonderin' what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you, but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land
[car engine rumbling]
[car revving]
[tense music]
[gun fires] [flesh squelches]
- Do you know why you're here?
How you got here?
Do you know who you are?
- No.
- It's post-traumatic amnesia, it's normal.
Should start to get your memory back soon.
- I don't remember shit.
- Your name is Jimmy Boyle.
You were transported here from the hospital.
- Hospital?
Who are you?
- My name is Balthazar.
- I know my rights.
- Your rights?
- I get a phone call.
- You're not under arrest.
- Then I'm outta here.
What the hell?
Where's the goddamn exit?
[tense pensive music]
Can't keep me here if I'm not under arrest.
[tense pensive music]
[doorknob rattling]
[pounding on door]
Open the goddamn door!
- She's dead.
- What?
- The woman you shot.
- What are you talkin' about?
- You splattered her brains over half the store.
- That's bullshit.
- You'll be happy to know she had three kids.
Congratulations, you managed to orphan an entire family
with a single bullet.
[tense pensive music]
Think.
[pensive music]
[door buzzing]
- [Louise] Mornin'.
What can I do for ya?
- Just lookin'.
- Anything in particular?
- No, just lookin'.
- I can make you a great deal
on a Tiger 20-inch gas-powered chainsaw.
- Chainsaw?
What am I gonna do with a chainsaw in Hollywood,
cut down fuckin' palm trees?
- [Louise] I don't rightly know.
- I don't need a fuckin' chainsaw.
- Look, mister, are you buyin' or selling?
- I'm takin'.
Give me your money.
- Uh-- - Give me your money!
- It's in the safe.
- Well, go get it.
[tense music]
- Walter!
- What do you-- - Uh-uh.
You Walter? - Yeah.
- You're gonna go back in there and get all the money
out of that safe, or I'm gonna spill her brains
all over your place here.
- Okay, okay, calm down.
- Get goin', go!
[tense music]
- You know, mister, you don't seem like the criminal type.
- You don't know shit from Shinola.
- You're makin' a big mistake.
- Uh-uh, right there, Walter.
- Right, here, here. - Put it on the counter.
- Here, just take it, take it and go.
- Is that everything, Walter? - This is everything.
- 'Cause if I find out you're holdin' back on me,
I'm gonna come back, I'm gonna pop both your asses.
- It's everything, I swear.
[police siren wailing]
- Fuck is that, Walter?
You called the cops?
- I didn't call the cops.
- Fuckin' liar, you called the fuckin' cops!
- I didn't call the fucking cops!
- Fuck!
What the fuck!
[gun fires] God!
[Louise screaming]
[gun fires] [flesh squelches]
[gun firing] [glass shattering]
[tense music with woman vocalizing]
It wasn't my fault, he shot first.
- You tell that to her kids.
Quite the model citizen.
Armed robbery, grand theft,
assault, battery.
I love this one in '96.
You beat a guy half to death with a metal pipe.
You got what, four years?
[warm music with women singing in foreign language]
- Who are you?
- I told you already.
- Yeah, you told me your name,
but who the fuck are you huh?
- I'm a prosecutor for the Department of Perspicacity.
- Department of what?
- Perspicacity, to assess situations
or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions.
I don't expect a monkey like you to get that.
Look, okay.
I just need you to sign this, and you can be on your way.
- What's this for?
- It's a formality.
- I ain't signin' it.
- You already confessed, Jimmy,
so if you'll just sign this, you can be on your merry way.
[tense pensive music]
- I sign this, I get to go?
- [Balthazar] Mm-hmm.
[tense pensive music]
- Don't sign a thing.
Sorry I'm late.
May I?
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Cassiel.
I'm representing the defendant.
- Yeah, well, no one told me.
- Last minute decision upstairs.
- Yeah, well, I should have been notified.
- Sorry, above your pay grade.
- [laughs] Above my.
Who sent you?
- Clemency and Exculpation.
- Clemency and what?
- Exculpation.
- Never heard of it.
- My client has been read his rights?
- No.
- He has rights.
- Your client pogged a mother of three in the head,
so he's gonna burn, that's a fact.
I don't know what you think you're gonna accomplish here.
- I want a complete pardon.
- [Balthazar] Hmm?
- A complete pardon.
- You must be joking, right?
Am I being punked?
Did my boss put you up to this?
'Cause they love fucking with me, those assholes.
- I'm not joking.
I never joke.
- Look, you must be new.
He's already confessed, so why don't you waltz on back
to Clemency and--
- Exculpation.
- Right.
Honey, waltz on back there, you take your fancy clothes
and your holier-than-thou attitude with it.
- First of all,
do not ever call me honey.
Ever.
Second, if there really were nothing I could do,
I wouldn't be down here wasting my time, would I?
- Fine.
You wanna try and save this monkey?
Go right ahead, law's on my side.
I've been doing this for a long time.
I know how it's gonna end.
- We'll see.
- I'm gonna go and check this out.
Clemency and?
- Exploitation.
Yeah.
- Right.
Who thought that shit up, the old man?
[tense music]
Sam.
- Balthazar, how's it hangin', brother?
- Same old, same old, you?
- Can't complain.
You know, you win some, lose some.
I might get that record of yours one day, though.
- Yeah.
Hey, have you,
you ever dealt with Clemency and--
- Exculpation?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, they're here?
- Yeah, why?
- I had a run-in with them a few years back.
You gotta watch yourself.
- Man, this broad, she couldn't find her way
out of a paper bag. [cell phone ringing]
Yeah, I gotta take this.
- Do your thing, man.
Like I said, watch yourself.
- [Balthazar] Yeah.
[warbled speaking]
[tense music]
- So, James, let's go over your defense.
- What defense?
I did the crime, I'll do the time.
- I don't think you fully understand.
- What's to understand?
- [sighs] You are dead.
- [laughs] What?
- [Cassiel] You died hours ago.
You were shot in the back and taken to the hospital,
and pronounced dead upon arrival,
and now you're here.
[tense pensive music]
- [Jimmy] Hmm.
[tense pensive music]
- Okay, you check out.
Know that my supervisor's filing a formal complaint.
- Great.
- And I want a stenographer present.
- What?
I'm not approved for that.
- We're not pickin' up the tab.
Hello.
[warbled speaking]
Give me a stenographer.
[warbled speaking]
[Cassiel clears throat]
- Can someone tell me what the hell is goin' on?
- He's your client, you tell him.
- Okay, okay.
Jimmy, when people die, people like you,
when there's some doubt as to how they've lived their lives,
those people face judgment, judgment for their sins.
And we're here to look at your life and make a decision.
- Do you want to spit it out?
Heaven or hell.
- Heaven or hell?
- It's a lot to take in, I know.
- So where am I now then?
- Limbo.
What is that?
- It's a neutral place between heaven and hell.
- Closer to hell, it's more like Jersey.
- I don't get any of this.
- He's not the sharpest tool in the shed,
your client, is he?
- Let's just keep it professional.
- You represent heaven however you want,
and I'll represent hell how I want.
- Wait, are you tryin' to tell me that you're God,
and you're the devil?
- No.
They're too busy to deal with assholes like you.
We're just hired help.
- We're angels.
- You two are batshit fuckin' crazy, you know that?
- Look, we're wasting time.
I have a full schedule, so why are we bothering
to explain anything to this loser?
- He is human.
- He is a talking monkey.
- God made them in his grace.
- What have they done to deserve God's love?
Nothing.
Let me tell you something, Cassiel,
there is no way that this low-life
scum-sucking piece of shit is getting into heaven
whilst I'm stuck here.
[dramatic tense music]
- Balthazar, I haven't seen you since, uh,
was it Leopold?
[laughs] That crazy Belgian.
He was fun.
- It's been a while.
What have you been up to?
- Oh, you know, the usual.
Torment and torture, mostly.
Last month, they had us sweeping out the pit of fire.
Talk about a mess.
One big human barbecue.
Yeah, I still have people stuck between my toes.
Oh.
I...
I haven't had the pleasure of making your acquaintance.
I'm Philitonus,
but you can call me Phil.
- Cassiel.
- Who's he, another fuckin' angel?
- No, he's a demon.
- Oh, gosh, no.
Not a full demon, a minor demon, Second Order.
I serve the almighty and powerful Moloch,
prince of the country of tears and grand cross of the Order.
- Thought demons were supposed to be red, had tails,
ugly and shit.
- Oh, he's ugly.
- Well, he is the vile spawn of Lucifer.
- He may be a vile spawn, but he's a damn good stenographer.
- Thank you, Balthazar.
I'm actually pretty excited.
I haven't worked with Clemency and Exculpation
in quite a while.
Last time was Hitler, or was it Nixon?
I can't remember which.
So many souls.
Okay, I'm ready.
[warbled speaking]
- Louise Catherine Parker, deceased 2016.
[warbled speaking]
[tense music]
- Louise Parker.
[tense music]
- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
[tense music]
- You're alive.
- No, I'm dead, dumbass!
You shot me in the face, remember?
I didn't deserve this.
I just wanted to sell you a chainsaw.
- No, this is some sort of bad dream.
[sharp slapping]
- Did that feel like a dream?
[melancholic pensive music]
You took my children away from me.
My babies have no mother.
Their babies have no grandmother.
I will never get to see their birthdays,
or their prom,
or their graduation,
or see their weddings, or their children.
[melancholic pensive music]
I won't get to see any of it.
[melancholic pensive music]
All because of you, you prick!
[melancholic pensive music]
[Louise crying softly]
- For the record, is this the man who shot you?
- Oh, yes.
- Let the record show that the witness
has positively identified the defendant,
James Allen Boyle, as her attacker.
Well, we're done here.
Could you please escort Mrs. Parker out?
- I hope that they reserve a special place in hell for you.
- Prosecution rests.
- I'm really dead, Cassiel?
- Yes.
- Goddamn.
- Hey, watch your language!
- It's your turn, Counselor.
- I would
like to start with an opening statement, mm-hmm.
- And if I smoke?
- Would it matter if I said no?
- [Balthazar] Mm-mm.
- How do you smoke those?
- Hoping they'll take a few years off my life.
- You're immortal.
- It's called sarcasm.
- Okay.
On September 20th, James Allen Boyle did knowingly
and willingly murder Louise Catherine Parker in cold blood.
These are the facts, and the facts are not in dispute.
However, there are extenuating circumstances,
circumstances that will mitigate the facts
and raise reasonable doubt,
circumstances that will exonerate my client
and render a favorable final judgment.
- What extenuating circumstances are we talking about?
- Well.
- Cut the bullshit, is it a redemption?
- Yes.
[Balthazar laughs softly]
- What's so funny?
- Phil, 2,000 years, have you ever seen a redemption?
- No, no, I never have.
- What's a redemption?
- Salvation for your sins.
- It's an obscure loophole.
- Okay, okay, so how do you get it?
- To completely redeem from sin by self sacrifice
requires a single selfless act,
entirely unmotivated by personal gain.
- It doesn't work.
- Why doesn't it work?
- It's a bit of a gray area.
- So it's subjective.
So there is a chance.
- You're not exactly representing Mother Teresa.
Look, Cassiel, level with me, brother to sister.
Why all the fuss over Jimmy Boyle?
Because I deal with tens of thousands of humans,
and I never hear a peep out of the head office.
So why this guy?
- All I know is that it is very important.
- To who?
Boss?
- Why don't you go ask him yourself?
- Me and him, we're not exactly on speaking terms.
Haven't been in over a thousand years.
[stenotype keys clacking softly]
[room rumbling]
[ominous breathing]
- Hello, hello!
[Phil gasps softly]
- [Balthazar] Who are you?
- I'm from headquarters.
- So what do you want?
- Checkin' on your progress.
- I'm doin' just fine.
- Not from where I'm standing, buddy.
I know you angels, a bunch of bleeding hearts.
Boss wants this one wrapped up quick.
What's takin' so long?
- Clemency.
- Exculpation.
- Really, never heard of 'em.
- I'm here to--
- I wasn't talkin' to you, bitch, I'm talkin' to you.
- A little professional courtesy, please.
- Do I look like I give a shit what you think, angel?
What's going on here?
- They're claiming a redemption.
- You don't say, a redemption.
Do they have a case?
- I don't know yet.
- You don't know, why not?
I thought you were good.
- Because I haven't heard their argument yet.
- Good, 'cause I don't wanna hear any excuses.
Do your fuckin' job and convict the monkey,
or I'll have you wiping my ass for the next thousand years.
- Do you wanna dial back a little, buddy?
Remember who you're talking to.
- I know exactly who I'm talking to.
You aren't under his protection anymore.
You blew your chance in heaven, pal.
Now you work for us.
- What's your name?
- Fuck you, that's my name.
I am a crown prince of hell, the lord of arrogance,
and the father of Lucifer.
I command 80 legions of demons
and reign over the northern reaches!
That's my name!
And your name is Lick My Hairy Balls,
'cause that's all you're good for,
you lousy, worthless piece of shit.
You know, you angels, you're all the same.
I bet you're still wringing your hands
over being cast out of heaven.
"Oh, woe is me!"
Well, I have one thing to say.
Close this now, or your ass is mine.
[ominous whirring]
- Oh, man.
No, thanks.
- Gonna go speak to my supervisor.
- Yeah, you know, I have to go make a phone call too.
- Was that the devil?
- No.
That's Belial,
the demon of lies and guilt.
He's very powerful.
He's also president of the bowling league.
- I hate bowling.
- Then you'll probably be seeing a lot of him.
- [Jimmy] You live here?
- Yes.
- How long?
- Oh, gosh, since the beginning of history.
- You like it?
- I love my job.
I meet so many interesting people.
- Look, Phil, be honest with me.
If I go to hell, what's gonna happen to me?
- Well, it's different for everyone.
There's burning, of course, a lot of burning options,
and sometimes, they come up with clever ideas,
like making you crawl naked through broken glass,
or jamming a red-hot poker up your behind, things like that.
- Jesus.
- Oh, oh, oh, I almost forgot this one.
They stick you in a room full of horny demons
with cocks the size of baseball bats.
That one's very popular.
- Popular for who?
- Well, the demons seem to like it.
- Shit.
- If you don't mind my asking, what's it like
where you're from?
- Los Angeles? - Uh-huh.
- It's a shit hole.
- Oh.
So you didn't like it?
- No.
- Oh, dear.
Some day, maybe I'll get to visit the material world.
There's so many beautiful things to see.
- Like what?
- Oh, gosh!
The sun rising over the temple in Angkor,
the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul,
the Great Wall of China at sunset,
Times Square on a cold New Year's Eve,
Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth! [laughs]
[Jimmy laughing softly]
- You really believe all that, don't you?
- Yes.
[warm pensive music]
- [Jimmy] What do you think, Phil, do I have a chance?
- Well, the angel,
I don't know what she has up her sleeve.
But Balthazar,
he's good, real good.
- What are the odds?
- A snowball's chance in you-know-where.
[eerie whispering]
[ominous pensive music]
- Yes.
Yeah, I'll hold.
[ominous pensive music] [eerie whispering]
What's the matter, Counselor?
- No one's answering.
- What?
- No one is answering at the moment.
- Maybe you're being hung out to dry.
- Do you always assume the worst?
- Yeah.
I'm in hell, so doesn't exactly inspire happy thoughts, huh?
[ominous tense music]
[eerie whispering]
- Oh, is it warm in here?
- [laughs softly] Feels good to me.
So have you heard the one about the four nuns?
- Do we have to?
- It's very funny.
Four nuns are standing in a line
outside the gates of heaven.
Peter asks the first nun if she's ever sinned.
She says, "Well, once I looked at a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put some holy water on her eyes
and she may enter heaven.
Then Peter asks the second nun the same question.
She says, "Well, once I touched a man's penis."
Peter tells her to put her hand in the holy water,
and she may enter heaven.
Suddenly, the fourth nun pushes past the third nun,
and Peter asks her, "Why did you push her out of the way?"
And the fourth nun says,
"Because I wanted to drink the water
"before she sticks her ass in it!"
[Jimmy laughs]
[Phil laughs]
- I don't get it.
- Well, I have a million nun jokes.
Do you wanna hear another?
- No, thank you.
Something wrong?
- Somebody's really itching to see old Jimmy here fry.
- Well, what do you wanna do?
- Continue.
- Okay, I will call my first witness.
Oh, oh, that's hell?
[warbled speaking]
Oh, yes, hello.
Henry Jefferson Lamb, please.
[warbled speaking]
- Henry Lamb.
- Thank you.
[eerie breathing]
- Henry Jefferson Lamb.
- Ooh!
Damn, it's nice and cool in here.
What's all this about?
- We require your testimony.
- Shit!
Oh, you can have whatever you want,
if it keeps me outta hell for a while.
I'll tell you my whole life story if you'd like.
I was born a poor black child.
- [Cassiel] That's not necessary.
[Henry coughing]
- Fuckin' sulfur.
Do I know you?
- Mr. Lamb, is it true that you were once living
with a Mary Florence Boyle?
- Maybe.
Had a lotta women in my day.
Pretty girls, like you, on each arm.
I could walk into any bar, have my pick.
Hey, why don't you and me go find us an empty room?
I'll put a smile on that pretty little face of yours.
- I can have you shipped back right now if you want.
- No, no, no, no, it's cool.
I'm just playin'.
20 years in hell leaves a man with some serious wood.
- Mary Florence Boyle.
- What about her?
- You two had a son together.
- So?
- So, tell me about him.
- Yeah.
He's a fuckin' loser, like his mama.
- [Cassiel] Why do you say that?
- She's a junkie whore.
Apple don't fall far from the tree.
- And what do you mean by that?
- Shit, I always knew that kid was gonna wind up
bein' a nothin'.
I tried to straighten him out.
You know what they say, you spare that rod,
you spoil that child.
- Why don't you try tellin' the truth?
- What?
- Why don't you tell these people who you were?
- And who's that?
- A fuckin' drunk that used her for a punchin' bag
every single night.
When you got tired of her, you came after me.
[tense music]
- Jimmy?
- Hello, Dad.
- Damn, you look old.
- And you look like the same piece of shit you always were.
- You still got that mouth on ya, don't ya?
- Yeah, I'd like to see you have a go at me now.
- You wanna measure dicks?
[tense music]
Looks like you're gonna be joinin' me here real soon.
So why don't we give it a whirl,
and put on a good show for old scratch?
[tense music]
- You know, I think I've seen enough.
You can take him back, please.
- I want you to come see me some time.
I'll show you a big slice of heaven. [laughs]
[tense music]
I'll see you in hell.
[tense music]
- [Balthazar] So what does that prove?
- It's a fact that abused and neglected children
are more likely to become criminals.
- Boo-fuckin'-hoo.
I got daddy issues.
Didn't keep me outta hell.
- I'm just establishing that Jimmy here
is the victim of a cycle of violence.
- My heart bleeds.
- [Cassiel] Have you forgotten what it's like
to have any sympathy at all?
- For these monkeys?
No.
Are we done here?
'Cause I don't see anything redeeming.
- Well, there is the girl.
- What girl?
- Angela Burnett.
- Angela?
[melancholic pensive music]
[police siren wailing in distance]
[knocking on door]
The fuck do you want?
- Uh, um, I probably have the wrong place.
Do you know Angela?
She here? - No.
- She's really cute. - Get the fuck outta here.
- Like about this high.
- [Angela] Mm, yeah.
[man moaning]
Oh, yeah, that's bad.
Harder. - Oh, my God!
Oh, boy.
- [Angela] Yes, sweetie.
Harder. [man moaning]
- Angela. - Mm, yeah.
- Angela.
- [Angela] Mm, harder.
[bed creaking]
[muffled speaking]
[pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- You Angela?
- [Angela] Hmm?
- Are you Angela?
- [Angela] Yeah, why?
- Some asshole came to my door last night,
woke me up in the middle of the night lookin' for you.
- [mumbles] Sorry.
- Yeah.
Here's the thing, Angela.
Tell your customers to keep it down at night.
Some of us are tryin' to sleep.
- I'm really sorry.
Hey, didn't catch your name.
- I didn't throw it.
- Well, nice to meet you anyway.
- It's Jimmy.
- [Angela] Hi, Jimmy.
- Angela.
- Okay, I can see where this is going.
- Really?
- Let me guess, criminal meets girl,
criminal befriends girl,
criminal saves girl and goes to heaven.
That's not gonna happen.
- You know the rules, it has to be documented.
- A jumbo jet went down in the Baltic Sea last night,
so I actually have a plane load to process.
So shall we get on with this?
- Yes, Jimmy, think back.
- It's a hell of a shiner you got there.
- I ran into a door.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Door shaped like a fist?
- No, it was a door.
- [Jimmy] Right.
- You callin' me a liar?
- No, just don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rain.
- Okay, it wasn't a door.
- [Jimmy] No shit.
- But he didn't mean it, he just lost his temper
for a second, that's all.
- Pimp or a John?
- What?
- The door that hit you like a Mack truck,
was it a pimp or a John?
- My boyfriend.
- Pimp.
- He's not a pimp, he's my manager.
- Manager, is that what they're callin' it these days?
- He takes care of me.
- Clearly.
What?
- Nothing.
- [Cassiel] What happened next?
Can you remember anything, anything positive?
[police siren wailing]
[tense music]
- Sergei.
Spot me 10.
- 10 grand?
And why would I do that, huh?
- Come on, man, I'm good for it.
- I trust you about as far as I can spit.
- What do you want?
Whatever, whatever it takes, come on, please.
[tense music]
- Okay.
15 points,
and I want it back in a week.
- Yeah.
- One week, you hear me?
Or I send Anatoli over to break your fuckin' kneecaps,
maybe take a few fingers, it's up to you.
[tense music]
- I raise 10.
[tense music]
[Jimmy sighs]
- One week, Jimmy,
or I send Anatoli over to collect.
[tense pensive music]
[melancholic pensive music]
[knocking on door]
- [Angela] Jimmy.
- [Jimmy] Go away!
[knocking on door]
- [Angela] Jimmy, it's me.
- Fuck.
- Hey, pal.
- What do you want?
- I'm locked outta my place.
- So?
- So I'm bored.
You wanna get something to eat?
- No, I'm not hungry.
- Wanna get coffee?
- I don't drink coffee, I fuckin' hate coffee.
- Well, then, can I come in?
- No clients today?
- No, I'm taking the day off.
- Yeah, what's your manager say about that?
- He's not gonna be too happy, that's for sure.
- [Jimmy] No, I bet he's not.
- You wanna chat?
- Chat?
- You know, converse, rap, prattle.
- No.
- Come on, you have no one else to talk to.
- I hate talking.
- A single conversation with a wise man
is better than 10 years of studying books.
- Clearly, you have me confused with a wise man.
Who said that shit anyway?
- Longfellow.
- Is that a porn star?
- A famous poet.
- Oh, poet, course.
[warm pensive music]
- I'm gonna be a poet some day.
- What?
- I'm gonna be a poet some day.
- [laughs] That is funny.
A hooker that's a poet.
- I'm not gonna do this forever, asshole!
- Well, good luck with that,
payin' your bills with your poems. [chuckles]
[knocking on door]
- [Frank] Angela!
Are you in there?
- Don't answer it.
[knocking on door]
[tense music]
- [Jimmy] Yeah?
- I'm lookin' for Angela.
She here?
- Yeah, she's here.
- What's goin' on?
- Nothing, we're just talking.
- Talking?
About what?
- Poems.
- [sighs deeply] You're supposed to be working.
We missed two customers so far today.
It cost us 300 bucks.
- I just want... [pimp mumbling]
- Why don't you march that sweet little ass of yours home,
and we're gonna chat about this in private.
[tense music]
What's your name, mister?
[soft tense music]
- Jimmy.
- Well, listen up, Jimmy.
If you want to spend time with Angela,
you gotta pay, like everyone else.
Do you understand?
Angela, she knows better.
I'm gonna have to remind her again,
if you catch my drift.
But being that you didn't know the rules,
I'm gonna let you slide,
since we're neighbors and all.
You have a blessed day.
[tense music]
- You did nothing.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Nero fiddled while Rome burned.
- Who is Nero?
- I am finding it really hard
to see anything redeemable in you.
- You see, you sit here and you defend this scum.
They don't deserve God's love.
They're all the same.
He gives them everything, and they just spit it back
in his face, all the same, all of them,
selfish, ungrateful monkeys.
And do you wanna know the funny part?
The really funny part is that he pushed us aside for them,
us, who serve him faithfully,
and do all that he asks without question.
We fought his wars for him, murdered first-born children
in his name, leveled entire cities for him,
turned them into pillars of salt.
We've been there since the dawn of time,
just doin' all of his dirty work.
What did we get in return?
Nothing, not a thing, no thanks, no vacation,
not even a complimentary set of steak knives.
[tense pensive music]
- It's not true, you know,
that Nero fiddled while Rome burned.
Total myth.
Nero never even played the fiddle.
He was just a big fat pervert.
The only thing he cared about was buggering little boys.
I guess we could say that Nero diddled while Rome burned.
[Phil laughing]
Sorry.
[Cassiel sighs deeply]
- What's the matter, Counselor?
- I mean, I was told that this was someone
worthy of redemption.
- How many cases have you handled?
- Including this one?
- Yeah.
- Well, there was, um--
- Is this your first case?
- Yeah.
- What?
- So where were you before?
- Records and Archives.
- I mean, he wouldn't have transferred me
if he didn't believe that I was qualified for the job.
- So you actually want to do this?
- Well, of course.
It's an honor to defend his children.
- You don't even know who his children really are.
- I don't have to know.
It's all a part of his plan.
- His big cosmic joke, you mean?
You're in for a rude awakening, sister.
[tense music]
[eerie whispering]
- I need a quick word with you.
Just spoke with the boss.
He's not happy with how this is going,
and when he's not happy, we all suffer.
- We'll suffer when he's happy.
- Look, you need to close this now.
- What's the big deal with this case?
- He wants this soul, and what he wants,
he gets, understand?
- Yeah, no problem, it's an open-and-shut case.
- Well, we're not feeling as confident about it as you are.
- Okay, so you wanna play attorney.
What do you suggest?
- Scrutiny and Inquisitions did a little snooping,
went through this guy's life with a fine-tooth comb,
and they found something. - What?
- This'll put the nail in Jimmy Boyle's coffin.
- Well, I'm done presenting evidence.
- If you can't do this, I will get someone in here who can!
- You know the rules, it's gotta be an angel.
You can't be showing up with a fuckin' demon.
- Who's talkin' about demons?
The big guy himself would be up here in a heartbeat.
- Lucifer.
- You better pray that doesn't happen, buddy.
You think I'm an asshole? [laughs]
You ain't seen nothin'.
Put this away, now.
- Fuck.
[eerie whispering]
I have a new witness.
- Oh, goody, I love surprises.
- [Cassiel] I thought the prosecution rested.
- Yeah, I got new information.
- This is highly unusual.
- Look, I gave you latitude,
so could you return the favor?
- All right.
[warbled speaking]
- Send up the witness.
[warbled speaking]
- Oh, oh, oh, I have a joke!
It's a good one!
A preacher, a rabbi, and a priest walk into a bar.
- Shut up.
- Geez, I was just trying to brighten everyone's day.
- I like your jokes.
- Thank you.
[eerie whispering]
- Mary Florence Boyle.
[tense pensive music]
- Mary.
- Where am I?
- You're in a hearing.
We require your testimony.
- They said I could have a hit,
just one little shot, please.
- What is she talking about?
- She's a fuckin' junkie.
- Do I know you?
- It's me, Ma, Jimmy!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, my Jimmy,
he's little, he's a little boy.
- I'm all grown up now.
- Well, then help me out, Jimmy.
Help out your ma.
Give me a shot, just one shot.
Give me my needle and fix me up.
That's my boy, steady with that needle.
Be sure to hit the vein.
You were always missin' the damn vein.
- Shut up.
- No, Jimmy, don't say that.
I'm your mama.
- Some mother you were!
You're a fuckin' junkie!
Been a junkie ever since I can remember.
You didn't give a shit about me.
You didn't give a shit about anything,
except your next fix!
- I was a good mother, I took good care of you.
- You didn't do nothin' but shoot up and lay in bed all day,
starin' up at the ceiling like you were dead!
Hell, you were dead!
With that shit pumpin' through your veins,
you were as good as dead!
[tense pensive music]
How many times did you send me out to buy your shit?
How many times, huh?
And when we ran outta money,
where do you think the money came from?
From Dad?
He was long gone!
I was a 12-year-old little boy,
stealin' money to buy your dope!
- I remember.
I remember now.
- What, what do you remember?
- What he done.
- What was that?
- He killed me, that's what he done.
He took a pillow and he stuck it over my face.
He choked the life outta me, his own mother.
[tense music]
- Is that true?
- Damn right.
I killed her.
- You killed her.
- She was already dead, I just sped up the progress.
- Why?
[tense music]
- 'Cause I was sick of bein' her slave.
I was sick of cleanin' up after her,
cleanin' her bed when she couldn't make it to the bathroom
'cause she was so fucked up!
I was sick of the misery and desperation,
and the smell of shit!
I was a 12-year-old boy,
just a little boy with his whole life ahead of him,
and I didn't wanna be handcuffed to some junkie mother,
with some fuckin' junkie life!
That's why.
[Mary whimpers softly] No.
So I killed her.
[Mary grunts angrily]
- Guard, you can take Mrs. Boyle out.
- No.
No, they promised me, no.
I want a shot, that's all I need, just one hit.
[eerie whispering]
[Cassiel grunts]
- Easy there.
- What is this?
- Wormwood.
- This is poison.
- People call it Devil in a Bottle.
Great taste, zero calories.
- Yeah, you win.
I give up.
I quit.
- You started this, you don't wanna finish?
- No.
- What about me?
- What about you?
There's no redemption for you.
- You said you could get me into heaven.
- Well, then you shoulda worked harder on that
while you were on Earth, Jimmy.
- So you're really giving up?
- Yes, I'm going back to Records and Archives.
- Why?
- Because I'm very confused.
You know, I believed, I believed what I was told.
I put my trust in God, and now that I've actually seen
what humans can do with my own eyes,
I don't know what I believe anymore.
I have to go while I still have a little faith left.
- Why's that?
- Because I don't wanna lose it all,
become cynical and angry.
[pensive music]
I don't wanna end up like you.
[pensive music]
- Wait.
- [Cassiel] Why?
- Look, if you really were sent down here,
then there must be a reason.
- It seems like it's all one big cosmic joke,
like you said, right?
- Look, Cassiel, I've judged over three million souls,
and this is one endless parade of monkeys
all on the way to hell.
And after a while, you find it difficult to see the good
that may have existed in them.
You only see the evil, corrupt, the wicked.
That's the thing.
Just once, I'd like to be proven wrong.
I'd like to see what God sees in them.
I'd like to know that they deserve everything
that they've been given,
and if there's anyone that's gonna do that, that's you.
Maybe Jimmy really is beyond salvation.
Maybe he really does deserve to go to hell,
but if you walk out right now, if yoU leave, if you give up,
then we're never really gonna know for sure, are we?
Not really.
[pensive music]
- Good.
I really like you guys.
I'm having fun.
- I'm glad you're having fun, Phil.
[eerie whirring]
- Can you smell that?
Can you smell that?
That's the smell of victory.
Balthazar, quick word.
[glass shattering] [muffled yelling]
[woman screaming]
[woman laughing]
[men laughing]
- [Demon] Here's to Lucifer! [laughs]
Give me another one.
- [Bartender] Comin' right up.
- I'm gettin' shit-faced.
- [Bartender] You're always shit-faced.
- [grunts] Oh, gosh!
- To hell. [laughs]
- So why we here?
- Boss wants to sweeten the deal.
- What does that mean?
- He likes you, you're a closer.
Heck, you're responsible for a good percentage
of the souls in hell.
It's high time for a promotion
and all the benefits that come with it.
- [Balthazar] Promotion.
- How does supervisor sound?
- Supervisor.
- Think about it, upper management,
and that's just the beginning.
Corner office, full view of the pit, nice, huh?
Wait, it gets better.
Paid vacations, stock options, employee discounts.
- Paid vacation?
- Two weeks a year, all expenses paid, anywhere you like,
within reason, of course.
- Where are we talking?
- Well, let's see.
North Korea is one of our top destinations,
or how about a nice little romantic getaway in Siberia?
If you prefer your paradise a bit warmer,
the jungles of Colombia might be right up your alley,
and I hear that New Jersey is really nice this time of year.
- Why the sudden goodwill?
- Boss is turning over a new leaf.
We need good people in management, people like you.
- What do you really want?
- Boyle.
- That's it?
- Swing this case our way, and it's all yours.
The promotion, the vacations, the corner office.
- Okay.
Let me think about it.
- This is a one-time limited offer.
I need an answer right now.
- [Man] What's she doing here?
- [Woman] Is she an angel?
- [Man] Throw her ass outta here.
- They told me you were here.
- Yeah, sorry, we're done.
- Okay, good, 'cause I was just wondering
if we were going to finish.
- Get a load of this broad!
"I was just wondering if we were gonna finish."
Angels, so goddamn polite, it kills me.
- Please watch your language.
- Oh, they teach you those manners up there in heaven, hmm,
to be all prim and proper?
- No.
- You condescending little bitch.
You think you're better than us, do you?
Yes, you do, you cock-sucking little slut.
- Okay, you really need to stop.
- Oh, really, and what are you gonna do, call for help?
Suck the fart out of my ass, you brain-dead puke stick!
- You know the rules here, you have no power.
This is a neutral place.
- Don't you lecture me on the rules!
Do you know who I am?
I eat fuckers like you for breakfast!
- Okay, I've heard just about enough,
you loudmouth boot-licking little worm.
- What?
[demon growling]
[demons mumbling]
What did you just say?
- You heard me.
- What did you just say?
- Okay, okay!
I'll do it.
[tense music]
I said I'll do it.
[tense music]
- I'll go get the paperwork.
You know, I still remember the war.
When Lucifer was cast out of heaven,
remember the creation of hell?
The sky was black and it rained broken bodies.
I slew hundreds of your brothers and sisters,
ripped their heads off and pissed down their throats.
I sure do miss the good old days.
[tense music]
[knocking on door]
- Who is it? [knocking on door]
[tense music]
What do you want?
- Nothing, just hangin' out.
- [Jimmy] Look, I don't want any trouble.
- Frank's not here, he'll be gone for hours.
- [Jimmy] Why are you here?
- I like talkin' to you, I guess.
- Why?
- You remind me of my dad.
- Your dad, great.
- He was strong,
bull-headed.
Down to earth, you know,
just someone you could talk to about anything.
- Well, why don't you go talk to your dad then?
- He's dead.
He died when I was young.
- What about your mom?
- She's in Encino, we don't talk.
Do you believe in reincarnation?
- What?
- You know, like, when someone dies,
and then they come back to Earth,
but they're in a different body.
- No, that's bullshit.
When you die, you die.
You're dead, end of story, that's it, done.
- So you don't believe in heaven?
- No, I don't believe in heaven.
If there's a God, he hasn't done shit for me, not shit.
So no, I don't believe in heaven.
- So you're agnostic.
- I'm what?
- [Angela] Agnostic.
- What's that mean?
- You're like a radical skeptic.
- Where do you come up with this bullshit, huh?
I mean, that is some crap!
- I read a lot.
- Well, thanks.
- Are you busy?
'Cause I wanna show you something.
- No.
- For me?
[pensive music with woman vocalizing softly]
- Well, she seems like a really nice girl.
She likes to read.
I read a lot.
- What happened next?
- I went to the pawn shop.
- And?
- Fuckin' Walter shot me in the back, that's what.
[Cassiel sighs]
[melancholic pensive music]
I've been shot before, but this was different.
I knew it was bad.
I knew I was gonna die,
right there in that rat shit apartment.
[melancholic pensive music]
- Jimmy?
[melancholic pensive music]
Jimmy.
- Go away.
- I'm gonna call an ambulance.
- No!
Angela, no.
You call an ambulance, I'm goin' to jail,
and that shit ain't happenin'.
- I can't let you die.
- What do you care?
- Well, we're friends, aren't we?
- Not friends.
[groans softly] I ain't got no friends, least of all, you.
[melancholic pensive music]
- You need help and I can help you, okay?
- [scoffs] How can you help me?
- You and I, we should just run away together.
Drive to Mexico or something.
[Jimmy coughing and wheezing]
[Jimmy laughing]
- I ain't got a car.
[Jimmy coughing]
- So we'll find one, we'll steal one, or something.
- What about Frank?
[melancholic pensive music]
- He'll never let me leave.
[melancholic pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- We should go to Mexico. [grunts]
[melancholic pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- What are you doing?
Jimmy.
[melancholic pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- [Frank] Jimmy, what the fuck do you want?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [gun fires]
[body thudding]
[gun firing]
[woman screaming]
[melancholic pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- Wow.
I never saw that coming.
- So what are you gonna do?
[pensive music]
You have to pass judgment.
[pensive music]
- I rule in favor of the defendant.
- What's that mean?
- It means you're not going to hell, Jimmy.
- I'm not?
- Oh, goody!
I just love a happy ending.
[eerie whispering] [soft tense music]
- She done chipped my fingernail.
Hey, Delores? [warbled speaking]
Hello, my dear.
Would you be so kind as schedule me another appointment
this afternoon? [warbled speaking]
- Who are you?
[Lucifer shushing] [warbled speaking]
You're just gonna have to bump Mr. Meth.
[warbled speaking]
Yes.
Thank you, my dear.
You know, 10 million Koreans in hell.
I still can't find a decent manicurist amongst 'em.
Go figure, huh?
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
- Who are you?
- I go by many names.
The Buddhists, they call me [mumbles],
and the Hebrews refer to me as the Morningstar.
The French, I'm told, they be referrin' to me
as the Lord of the Flies.
But that's the French for you.
And you?
You can call me Brother.
- Lucifer.
- In the flesh, ma'am.
- You are not my brother.
- Oh, Sis!
Sis, you cut me to the quick.
Now, Phil.
- Boss.
- You behavin' yourself?
- Yes, Boss.
- Mm-hmm.
And
Balthazar.
Nice seein' you again, Son.
Been a while.
- Why are you here?
What's so important that the Prince of Darkness himself
has to make a personal appearance?
- I just wanted to drop in,
make sure that justice has been served.
So,
is it?
- [Balthazar] Of course.
- And what is the verdict?
- Jimmy Boyle is pardoned.
- Pardoned, huh?
You sure about that?
- Yes.
- You know the rules, don't you?
One good deed does not undo a lifetime of bad ones.
- I think--
- I'm not the slightest bit interested in what you think.
I'm interested in what young Balthazar here thinks.
So?
- I've made my decision.
[tense pensive music]
- I want you to think real careful about this, Balthazar.
I want you to remember
who you're talkin' to here,
'cause I know that you won't wanna make a decision
that's gonna displease me.
After all, I can make your life a livin' hell for,
well, eternity.
[tense pensive music]
You understand that, Sonny?
- I understand.
- Good, so, what's it to be then?
[tense pensive music]
- Heaven.
- And is that your final answer?
- Yes.
[tense pensive music]
- Okay, well then, that's it.
- What that's it?
- [Lucifer] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.
- But you're not angry.
- C'est la vie.
- This is a trick, right?
- No, no, this is not a trick, no.
No, you're free to go.
I release you from all your obligations,
but Jimmy, Jimmy, however, he's gotta stay with me.
- [Jimmy and Cassiel] What?
- No! - Yeah, you can leave here
and return to heaven.
- But Jimmy.
- Jimmy was screwed from day one.
Do I have to spell it out for you, Son?
No, this was never about Jimmy.
It was always about you.
- So none of this mattered.
- Oh, pipe down.
You wanted a redemption, you got one.
- [Cassiel] Hmm.
- Why?
- You'd have to ask Daddy about that.
It's his idea, after all.
What Daddy wants,
he tends to get.
Well, you're free to go, but Jimmy Boyle's soul
is mine.
- No, wait, he ruled in my favor!
This isn't fair!
I don't deserve this.
- Oh, it's the pit of hell for you, young James.
- No!
- Unless.
- What?
I'll do anything.
- Can you do a manicure?
Damn, I thought as much, take him away.
[pensive music]
It's been real, but I gotta go now, so toodles.
Oh, Balthazar.
- Yes?
- Don't be a stranger now.
- Well, I haven't had this much fun in years!
Not since Vlad the Impaler, and that was a real circus,
let me tell you.
It was a pleasure to work with you.
- Likewise.
- I'm going to miss you, Balthazar.
- Goodbye, Phil.
- Don't take any wooden nickels! [laughs]
- So, what now?
- Well, I guess it's back to Records and Archives.
I don't think I'm cut out for this.
- You were great.
- I lost my only case.
- Sorry.
- Don't be.
Heaven lost a soul but gained an angel.
See you upstairs.
What's the matter?
- Thinking, maybe I'll miss this room.
- Well, I hear there's a position opening up
in Clemency and Exculpation.
- No, can't even pronounce it.
- Goodbye, Balthazar.
- Bye, Cassiel.
[warm pensive music with woman vocalizing]
- Oh, oh, oh, here's a good one.
Three sex offenders go to hell,
and Lucifer tells 'em, for their punishments,
he's gonna cut off each one of their dicks.
So he goes to the first guy and he asks
what his father did for a living.
And the first guy says, "Well, he was a lumberjack."
And Lucifer says, "Fine," and he pulls out a chainsaw
and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the second guy and asks what his father did
for a living.
And the guy says, "Well, he was a doctor."
And Lucifer takes a scalpel and cuts the guy's dick off.
Then he goes to the third guy,
but the third guy is rolling around on the floor laughing.
And Lucifer says, "What are you laughing at?
"You saw what I just did to the other two."
And the third guy says, "Yeah, I know,
"but my dad made popsicles!"
You get it, popsicles?
Oh, dear.
♪ Livin' in the world of mass confusion ♪
♪ Where contentment's hard to find ♪
♪ Livin' in the days of revelation ♪
♪ With old Satan close behind
♪ I've been talked about and laughed at ♪
♪ I've been locked out in the cold ♪
♪ But I don't aim to give old Satan ♪
♪ Any claim upon my soul
♪ You'd better look around
♪ You better be wonderin' what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you, but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land
♪ You'd better look around
♪ You better be wonderin' what salvation's all about ♪
♪ You better believe and understand ♪
♪ Before old Satan takes your hand ♪
♪ He's gonna take you, but it ain't gonna be ♪
♪ To the promised land