♪ Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion ♪
♪ To love you with the sweetest ♪
Doritos versus Fritos,
calories, question mark.
Um, you could just read the bag.
Do you want protein and fiber information?
Mary.
I didn't understand that. Did you say Mary?
Uh.
Hey,
you, hey, you.
What's up?
You don't remember me?
Uh, I'm so sorry. I don't.
I need a hint.
College?
Oh, um.
Michael?
No.
Keaton?
- No. - No?
- No. - Fuck.
I feel so bad. I'm sorry.
It's okay, don't.
We talked that one time at that Undie-Run for charity thing,
and you showed up fully clothed,
and I was only in my boxers, and you were like,
"This whole event reeks of toxic masculinity."
And then you pointed out how all the guys' nipples
were getting hard because it was cold out,
and you never thought about male nipples getting hard
or pointy or whatever.
And I was all like, "Don't look at my nipples,"
or somethin'.
Um.
And then we bridged that to how "Lord of the Flies"
is really overrated, how it shouldn't
- be mandatory reading- - Oh, um.
for little kids.
Uh, Mark.
Yes.
Mark Kenneth Samson.
There ya go.
The three-first-names guy.
How are ya?
Okay.
You look different.
Yeah, I lost some weight or toned up or whatever.
I started going to the gym.
You weren't fat.
No, I know. I know.
I know.
Well...
Hey again.
Do I know you?
Ha-ha.
Uh, this isn't for me.
Cool.
I wasn't even...
It doesn't matter who it's for.
Hi.
Um.
Hey, do you wanna get a smoothie?
There's this really good smoothie place near here.
It's funny, my dad and I,
we actually are in the process of making those things.
Making what?
Pregnancy tests.
People already make them. Why would you make them?
Well, ours use your spit instead of your urine.
And they can tell you if you're ovulating.
It's less invasive.
Yeah, but there's no way that's accurate, right?
Like, you just spit into a little cup or something,
tells you if you've created life?
Is that any weirder than peeing on a stick?
Why aren't they all like that then?
Good opportunities come from things that don't exist yet,
you know, things people don't realize they want.
It is for me.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, that answers that, I guess.
Answers what?
I was wanna ask if you're taken.
I'm single, technically.
What do you want it to be, one line or two lines?
They need to make the results more clearer,
like baby or no baby.
I know, it's like,
this is one of the most important moments in someone's life,
and these companies decide to make it confusing.
You know what's really crazy, though,
is that I could be pregnant right now,
and nobody would be surprised.
What do you mean?
Do you think people think you're a slut or-
- No.
- What? - What?
No.
- No? - No.
I'm at the right age to have a kid.
And if I was in Arkansas, I'd be considered late.
It feels like two seconds ago that if I got pregnant,
it would be anarchy.
And then super fuckin' soon after that,
your kid could come out on that spectrum,
so that's something you have to weigh.
Then you're just counting down the days you have left,
because you're no longer viable to, like, the earth.
I guess. You're really young.
Your femininity doesn't die at menopause.
It dies the moment you're no longer able
to safely reproduce.
And it sucks so much dick.
That pesky biological clock.
You don't even have to think about any of this shit, ever.
Hey, don't blame me, okay. I'm one of the good ones.
You know, I went to the Women's March.
I went to two Women's Marches, actually.
I went to two of 'em.
Sorry, I was just thinking that Biological Cock
would be a good band name, and I didn't wanna forget it.
Are you in a band?
Yeah, we're called Butter Cunt right now,
but we're always looking for something better.
Can you make money from that?
Oh, no.
Look, I, I don't really make money either.
First five years of a company,
you can't break even, et cetera, et cetera.
How'd you and your parents get into this saliva biz?
My parents are divorced, so it's me and my dad's thing.
But yeah, it's plastics manufacturing.
- What's your mom do? - What's your mom do?
You're gonna ask me what my mom does
before you ask me what I do?
Can I just say, I feel like you got a lot of rules.
Mm, not really.
Let someone come inside me,
which is the reason we're here now.
Okay. What do you do?
Like voiceover stuff for, like, random businesses
and commercials and whatever.
Like what? Can I hear some?
Mark Kenneth Samson, would you like to purchase
a subscription to "Mind, Body, and Soul"?
Uh-huh.
I also clean houses.
I also walk dogs.
Is it not cool for me to ask for your number right now?
'Cause I want to.
I should probably find out
if I'm knocked out first, right?
Mm, that makes a ton of sense.
Should I do it now?
So?
I didn't do it yet.
Can you come in here with me for moral support?
While you pee?
Yeah.
That's a little-
- Don't make it weird.
It's a little weird.
Oh.
Oh man, you like to stay hydrated, huh?
I said, don't make it weird.
Sorry, sorry.
Now what?
We wait.
For how long?
Three minutes. Why don't you know that?
I feel like you should know that.
I do know that. I know.
Do you wanna sing me a song?
What song?
Make one up. You're an inventor.
You're the singer.
I'm in distress.
Come on.
Okay, okay, okay.
♪ Baby ♪
Don't start it with baby.
Shit.
♪ You're the girl in the bathroom ♪
♪ But also the girl from college ♪
No, no, distract.
Poetic, please.
♪ And the opposite of a baby is an old person ♪
♪ Yeah, the elderly ♪
Maybe try singing louder,
like really, really loud. ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Do it louder. ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Really fuckin' loud. ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪
Keep going!
♪ Ooh yeah ♪ Yes!
♪ You better wash your hands ♪
♪ When you're done in the bathroom ♪
♪ Better wash your hands when you're ♪
♪ Done in they bathroom ♪ We're gonna get kicked out.
♪ No, those are the rules ♪
Worth it!
This is helpful?
- This is helping? - Yes, continue.
Louder!
Hit the high note!
Okay.
You can have my number.
♪ I can feel your shadow ♪
♪ I just wanna be ♪
Oh, you can't,
you can't take photos.
Oh, yeah.
Uh?
Different kind of service.
Can we go back to the other thing?
Dusting.
♪ I can't fight the world's battles ♪
♪ I just wanna be next to you ♪
♪ Wanna be next to you ♪
What's this one?
Shark fin.
Why a shark fin?
You know, like, keep moving.
What about
this one?
Just a drunken squiggle from my high school boyfriend.
Hmm.
What about this one?
Squiggle from my high school girlfriend.
Your high school experience
was a lot more active than mine.
My favorite one's the mouse trap.
I like this David Bowie one.
That's my mom, actually.
She passed away.
A lot of people think that though.
She had a really androgynous face.
Do you have any?
Never felt like I knew the right thing to get.
Or, like, if I like something,
I could just frame a picture of it.
Yeah.
♪ This life is such a mystery ♪
♪ But I don't feel so fucked up ♪
♪ As long as I'm next to you ♪
Let's do this.
Do you, Mark Kenneth Samson,
take Mary Lewis to be your wife
to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?
I do.
And do you, Mary Lewis,
take Mark Kenneth Samson to be your husband
to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?
Hell yeah, I do.
You may now kiss the bride.
Wait. Why isn't it, you may now kiss the groom?
Seriously?
Why does the guy get to initiate the kiss
for all of eternity?
That's some archaic, repressed bullshit.
Please just let me kiss you, Mary.
Look, I have a script
that I'm not supposed to deviate from.
Well, deviate.
Okay.
Uh, you may now kiss the groom, I guess.
Sick.
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ Oh man ♪
♪ You're makin' me crazy ♪
♪ Really drivin' me mad ♪
♪ But that's all right with me ♪
♪ It's really no fuss ♪
Ooh.
♪ As long as you're next to me ♪
♪ Just the two of us ♪
Take one.
No!
♪ You're my, my, my ♪
♪ My kind of woman ♪
♪ My, my, my ♪
♪ My kind of woman ♪
♪ And I'm down on my hands and knees ♪
♪ Beggin' you please, baby ♪
♪ Show me your world ♪
♪ Oh baby ♪
- No, come here. - No!
Yeah, Jesus, what have you been thinkin' about?
♪ I'm feelin' so tired ♪
♪ Really fallin' apart ♪
This is Mary Lewis, take one.
Suffering from a dry or itchy vagina?
It may be a syndrome called menopause vaginal dryness.
A lubricant may be for you.
Try our All Natural Wild Yam Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today.
Currently available in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
It's crazy how fast it all feels.
I had no idea I was gonna love her this much.
She's amazing.
So sick, man.
That's cool.
Yeah, I feel expanded.
She makes me feel like a human rubber band
that's just like,.
Yeah, I don't think I could ever get married.
Fuck.
Am I the only one workin' out? I'm done.
I just don't see the point in it.
I mean, it seems purely financial,
and financially, it usually fucks you.
Probably fucks you more than your wife does.
That's funny, man.
You guys probably just feel like that
because you haven't met someone like Mary.
You haven't found your Mary.
You sound kind of faggy, Mark.
- Whoa! - Dude.
- No. - Not cool.
- What? - You can't say that.
Yes, I can, I'm bi. I can say whatever I want.
We are in a public place.
Don't care if you're bi, you can't just say.
What was that?
You can't say.
We have reclaimed the word faggot.
Fuckin' stop it.
I'm not calling you a faggot, faggot.
Stop. Stop saying it.
Stop saying it. Stop calling me it.
Did I just call him a faggot?
Just L-G-Be a better person.
You're such a faggot.
How's Mary's sister doin' these days?
Is she tryin' to fuck?
We are Unnecessary Colonoscopy!
One, two, three, four!
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Miss Narcissist, she's a thief ♪
♪ Sucks out all the energy ♪
♪ So long, my hostility ♪
♪ Like a parasite ♪
♪ And all she all she needs ♪
♪ Is to live in me ♪
What the fuck do you want, Christopher?
If you wanna be in a real band,
invest in some soundproofing?
Do I look like I could afford soundproofing?
Is that my problem?
Yeah, sort of, it is.
Spend a hundred dollars at Home Depot.
I can't go to Home Depot,
because I don't support the co-founder's politics.
Do you wanna go for me?
My god, my dogs don't like the noise.
Well, I don't like your dogs,
- Christopher. - You wrote enough songs
about 'em.
"Kill Them Bitches," "Shut Up, Mutts."
They're dumb, and they're blind, and they're also deaf.
It's really loud in there, Lana.
And I'm trying to binge some Nat Geo.
Jesus, you're so fucking dramatic.
I'm gonna call Rebecca.
Go for it. Call Rebecca.
We're very close.
- Bullshit. - Yep.
She'll love to hear from you. She likes you so much.
- I know she does. - She loves you.
Why are you winking at me? That's weird.
- I'm not winking. - Yeah, you are.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna call the cops.
KK, fuck you.
No, fuck you.
- No, fuck you. - No, fuck you.
- Ha. - Fuck you, ha.
Wow, nice. Look at that big boy mouth.
- Fuck you. - Fuck you.
- Fuck you, say it again.
Fuck you.
- Fuck you! - Fuck you.
- Fuck ya.
- Fuck you, fucker. - Fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
- And fuck you. - Yeah.
Fuck you!
- Fuck you. - Fuck you.
- Yeah, okay.
Ha-ha, fuck you.
Fuck you, dude! Oh my god.
Write a song about it.
- I will. - Write a loud song about it with like
- three dissonant chords. - Fuck you, dude.
♪ Fuck you, you stupid little cunt ♪
♪ I don't like you ♪
What are you guys doing tonight?
Um.
I was gonna go see your Rebecca for a bit.
You're still fucking your landlord?
Landlady.
I'm seeing this guy.
He's sexy in like a Skarsgard kind of way.
- Hmm-mm. - Mm-hmm.
I mean, I haven't met him yet,
but we just matched on Crush'd, so.
Crush'd?
Yeah, oh, it's the sickest new dating app.
Tons of famous people are on it, too.
I've seen like maybe the entire cast
of "Harry Potter" on it.
Mm?
I'm jealous.
What? Why?
I don't know. I'm not.
I'm not jealous, actually. I don't know why I said that.
I know why you said that.
It's because you're sad that you're
- a crusty married person. - Yeah.
- No. - That's definitely why
- you said that. - No.
- I'm sorry. - That's not it, I just...
It makes me feel adult
in a way that I don't want to be.
Yeah, crusty.
Dude, I totally get it.
It's normal to wanna go out and have fun.
We're fuckin' infants.
We're kids.
Mama always said youth is wasted on the young.
That's not really relevant.
It kind of is.
Okay, well, it's not helpful.
Does everything I say I have to be helpful?
Ideally.
Well, I'm sorry. That's unrealistic, sweetie.
Can you ask Mark about AJ for me?
Gross.
He's hot.
He thinks his skin's only purpose
is to store his muscles.
Yeah, exactly.
What about the Crush'd guy?
I can fuck more than one person if it's not the same day.
Men do it all the time.
So can woman.
I'm agreeing with you.
Okay, great, so we agree.
You know, you could do it, too.
I mean, just 'cause you're married
doesn't mean you need to be monogamous
for the rest of your life.
For the rest of your pussy's life.
Hi.
Hello.
Come here.
I can do that.
How was your day?
It was good.
Kyle and AJ invited us to their party this weekend,
- but I- - Babe, that was
fully rhetorical.
Have sex with me.
Hey, I have a question.
Hello?
Yeah.
Nevermind, after.
Okay, cool, 'cause I'm about to come.
What?
Already?
Oh, shit.
You remembered to take your pill, right?
No, but I set my alarm for 8:40,
'cause I wasn't near my bag earlier.
Okay.
Oh.
Oh, I love you.
I love you, too.
The steam is helping.
What was your question?
I said, the steam is helping.
No, what was the thing
you were gonna ask me before?
Oh.
It's stupid.
Ah, I bet it wasn't.
Nothing in your brain is stupid.
It was just something hypothetical
that Tori had me thinking about.
Well, what was it?
I don't know.
Come on, tell me.
Okay.
Have you ever thought about being with someone else?
What do you mean?
You know, like another girl.
Like bringing a third?
Not what I meant, but that could be fun.
Do you think I'm cheating on you?
No, no, I know you're not.
Baby, I would never.
I, I think a better way to phrase it
or, or put it would be,
would you ever consider an open thing?
I don't necessarily mean now,
but at some point in the future, maybe?
Fuck, Mary.
Jesus.
I knew you were too sensitive for this conversation.
I'm sorry, am I overreacting to the fact
that you wanna be inside other people?
You know I don't have a penis, right?
Whatever, I got it backwards. You know what I mean.
Why do you want this?
I don't know.
Life short. It's exciting.
Monogamy is dumb when you think about it.
No, it's not.
The only reason that anyone is exclusive
is because of societal pressure to conform.
We aren't made this way. It's unnatural.
That is so dumb. You have no idea how dumb that sounds.
Queer culture has been doing it for centuries.
My Aunty Carol does it. Super happy.
What about animals?
I mean, animals have been monogamous for centuries.
We're all just animals. Wolves, wolves are monogamous.
- Wolves are terrifying. - No.
They're not. Your Aunty Carol's terrifying.
Look, I'm just...
I don't judge Aunty Carol, it's just,
I don't wanna be Aunty Carol.
You were gonna ask me about this while we were having sex?
I thought it would be hot!
Is nothing sacred to you?
Okay, obviously I didn't know
you were gonna be this pissed off.
You were trying to manipulate me with your sexy socks.
My socks have nothing to do with this.
I think they do.
They don't.
- They do. - They don't.
They have everything to do with this!
I don't like being the little spoon.
Then you spoon me.
I don't wanna spoon you.
I bet you do a little bit.
I really don't.
Being with one person your whole life is outdated.
I don't give a shit if it's outdated.
It's what we signed up for.
And if you do give a shit,
you probably should've told me before we got married.
So I'm supposed to know everything I might want
before I want it?
Yeah.
You're being immature.
Yeah, well, you're being a whore, so,
we're both things.
I meant metaphorically.
I'm metaphorically being a whore?
Let's just, can we go to bed?
You asked me to be honest with you, right?
So how was I supposed to talk to you about this?
What would have been the right way, in your mind,
for me to bring this up?
It's not about you bringing up.
It's that you're thinking about it at all.
Can we talk about this now?
Nope.
♪ Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee ♪
- ♪ Bumblebee ♪ - Mary, I'm trying to work.
So am I.
Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.
I'm not talking about it.
I didn't ask.
How about now?
No.
But-
- Still a no.
I don't get what you are.
I'm myself.
Huh. I don't get it.
What are you supposed to be?
A guy with the better mustache.
I did some googling,
and it's usually called ethical non-monogamy,
if you wanted to do some research before we talk.
You're already googling?
♪ All the lights are flashin' in red ♪
♪ Paradise is full ♪
♪ Ah, but don't it look just how ♪
Thanks.
♪ You dreamed it would ♪
♪ Hold me close, say you will ♪
I always safer when I have a female driver.
Oh my god, thank you.
Are we gonna be that problem couple at the party
that brings tense vibes?
I was wondering the same thing.
Oh, no, this is our conversation now.
Oh, totally. I'm sorry.
That is not the first time I've heard that.
I don't know.
I guess we are.
All right, fine. Fuck it.
What?
I give up.
You wanna fuck someone else so badly, Mary,
give it a shot.
Seriously, give it a shot. We're goin' to a party.
You could find yourself a dick or vagina,
or whatever it is that's on trend these days.
Go follow the zeitgeist.
Am I looking for an apartment or-
- You're overreacting.
Yeah, well, you're being too woke.
That's not a bad thing.
Mm.
Fuck, where is it?
Did you forget it?
No, I'm getting it.
♪ Tonight I'm really living ♪
♪ I'm a vampire again ♪
To my boys.
Fuck Mary.
What?
Fuck her.
We talking to the same Mark right now?
- Oh, gracias. - Jesus.
- Hey. - Cool.
Who's here? What girls are here?
What a little bitch. Fuck Mark.
What?
Fuck him.
What's going on?
Look at him with his boyfriends and his little curls,
'cause he just bought new conditioner.
I'm lost. Can you elaborate?
You know what, I took your advice, so fuck you, too.
What advice? What did I do?
Yeah, what about her?
You think she would talk to me?
Can you please not make my party
- about- - Our party.
- It's our party. - Really?
We threw it together.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- Split the cost and everything. - Okay, I got.
Can you not make our party-
- Thank you.
about making Mary jealous?
I'm not tryin' to make her jealous.
Oh really?
Then what are you trying to do?
What is that?
Okay.
Go do that.
What's up?
What are you?
Oh, I got like two, I got another mustache on my mustache.
- Ah. - Better mustache.
I can't believe how transparent he's being.
He looks more drunk than transparent.
What should I do?
Nothing.
What?
There's nothing you can do.
That's helpful.
Stop saying I'm not helpful by saying I'm helpful
when I'm just trying to be helpful.
My husband is drunk, talking to some random hot girl.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she's not down anymore.
I don't think she was ever down.
Mm, she was a little down at first,
and then I sent her the dick pic,
and I don't think she's down anymore.
I'm gonna go find AJ. Peace.
She's coming, she's coming, shut the fuck up.
Hey.
Sup?
Oh.
So you like animals?
Yeah. I, like, I love animals.
Me too. You know, I walk dogs, so.
Like for fun?
Yeah.
That's cool.
I have a schnauzer.
Oh, that's a great breed.
Yeah. Thanks.
- Great dogs. - They're cool.
Uh-huh.
So what have you been up to lately?
Well, actually, it's my birthday week.
So I have a couple little fun things planned.
Oh, nice.
Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Where's my cake?
I don't know you, so.
So are you, like, tryin' to do this?
Do what?
The whole,
"We just met at a party, let's fuck," thing.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
♪ So I turn my head ♪
♪ To look again ♪
Whoa, whoa, oh my god, okay.
No, I'm okay.
Oh, uh.
This is okay, right?
- Mm-hmm. - Do you like it?
Do you like this?
I don't, um...
Really, it's okay.
- No, you- - I just need a second.
Yeah, yeah.
I feel kind of...
- Okay. - Do you have some water?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's, uh...
Let's...
You're awake, right?
Yeah.
Cool.
Why? Did you want me to be asleep for this?
No, I don't want you to be asleep if I'm jerking off.
I kind of feel like it'd be more normal
if I was asleep for this.
But you're like a participant. I don't know.
How, how am I participating?
You're in bed with me,
breathing.
Breathing?
You know, like, you're with me.
I'm thinking about you, and you're fully here for it.
This is adjacent to what we were gonna do anyway.
Should I stop?
I don't really care.
♪ All that I want is ♪
♪ A pair of wing to fly ♪
♪ Into the blue of ♪
♪ The wide open sky ♪
♪ Show me your scars ♪
♪ I'll show you mine ♪
♪ Perched out of the city ♪
♪ On a pair of power lines ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
I just jerked off. That's not anything.
I mean...
Right?
I wasn't fat.
I've never been fat.
What do you think I should do?
Am I closed-minded?
Should we be open?
Are birds monogamous?
Answer me.
What am I doing?
Hey.
I'm so sorry.
Me too.
Can I have an Oreo?
Of course you can have an Oreo.
I love you.
I love you so much.
I'm really, really sorry.
Why?
I don't know what I was doing.
Was work okay?
It was fine.
How many Oreos did you eat?
I don't know.
Okay.
If we're gonna do this, then no ex-boyfriends.
No ex-girlfriends.
I'm not even friends with any of them
other than, like, on Instagram.
I'm nervous.
Me too.
Hey, guys, I'm Melanie. I'll be your server.
Can you get you started with some drinks?
Wine, any wine.
Gin.
Okay.
What else?
Uh, no having sex with someone more than
five times.
Three times.
Four times.
This is a priority relationship, always.
Yeah, so no preexisting fuck-buddies with baggage.
That sounds like a disease.
Speaking of diseases, no diseases.
Yes, always use a condom.
That goes for you, too.
Yeah, obviously, I'm not bringing home random chlamydia.
Is random chlamydia any different than regular chlamydi...
Stop writing down band names.
We are Random Chlamydia!
I'm serious, no gonorrhea, no herp.
Why are you whispering?
I don't know, I just...
I really, really don't want any of these things.
Then it's settled.
Rule number three is always use protection.
What do we do about...
What?
My latex allergy.
Suck it up.
The non-latex ones don't protect against STDs.
It's something to do with the spores, I guess.
I am not gonna have rash peen.
Oh my god, you're killing me with these good band names.
Mary, please.
Okay, well, there has to be another way.
Well, I think there's non-latex ones that do work,
but you have to special order them from Canada or-
- Yeah, Canada Peen!
- Hi. - Hi.
Need another minute with the menu?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Of course.
I got one.
How about no, um...
What?
Suckin' on people's, uh, stuff.
Suckin' a dick?
Suckin' a dick. I won't suck-a the clit.
Right. Yes.
Out of curiosity, why?
That's our thing, you know, wanna keep it special.
Yeah. It's really special.
Yours is the only one I've ever sucked.
Okay.
I don't even...
I'd never even seen a dick before yours, actually.
Anything else?
Hmm.
Should we tell each other stuff?
We already are.
I mean, like, when stuff happens.
Mm.
I don't wanna know about you with other people.
Like, we keep this part of our lives separate?
Yeah. We need a policy like that to keep our sanity.
I don't know, I think being honest with each other
would be the best in the long run.
I mean, I wanna know who you're with.
You really do? You wanna know?
I think so.
Okay.
I'll tell you, and you don't tell me.
I guess.
Oh my god.
One more rule.
It's the most important one for me.
We do this as a trial run.
This is not a forever thing, okay.
This is a "see if we like it" thing.
And if one of us doesn't like it,
then we can go back to being just us.
Yeah, that seems fair.
You promise?
I promise.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm. - You know what to do.
Take it home, baby.
Yeah.
What do I put for profession?
Entrepreneur?
Mm-hmm.
Fuck, dude, that's good.
What do you do again?
I'm an entrepreneur.
Should I put singer?
That does sound dumb.
That does sound dumb. You should put businesswoman.
No, that sounds way more dumb.
Okay, I'm leaving it blank.
It's mysterious.
You should put broke.
Yeah, then we should add that you're married.
Should I put, like, taken and looking for friends?
No, you're not looking for friends,
and you don't need to put that many details.
You don't need to find friends.
'Cause we're your friends.
I'm just looking for something casual,
and I feel like I should be up-front about that.
- So is everybody. - Everybody's what?
Shit. You need a picture.
Whatever you do, make sure you use the photo
with the margarita and the tank top.
You should use the photo from Halloween
the year before last year.
With the knife?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You don't think it's a little scary?
No, I do not.
Mm-mm.
There's blood on the knife, though.
Dude, guys love fear.
Yeah.
They love that shit.
♪ Photo shoot, photo shoot ♪
♪ We're gonna do a photo shoot ♪
Smile.
No, I don't look good right now.
I don't sleep well after wine.
♪ Yeah, you do, you look fuckin' great ♪
♪ Let's do a photo shoot ♪
Wait.
Okay.
Oh shit.
Um.
If someone fucks with you, you take that big knife,
put it up to his face and be like, I'm gonna stab you.
I'm gonna st-st-stab you. I'm gonna stab you.
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab you.
I'm gonna stab you, mm.
I'm gonna st-st-st-stab you, I'm...
This looks like something else.
Once more. Maybe wet the 'stache a little bit.
Don't do that. Don't wet your 'stache.
Let me see it.
Huh.
What?
I don't know how you did it, but it got worse.
I made an account,
on that Crush'd thing, whatever you call it.
Thank god. So did I.
It feels good to tell you.
Yeah, it does. I feel a lot better.
You have to show me yours.
Only if I can see yours, too.
Oh my god.
This shit so embarrassing.
Okay, on the count of three.
- Three, two, one. - One, two, three.
Mark, this picture is bad.
You have a knife in yours.
- Are you kidding me? - It's a costume.
Well, it is scary.
But in a hot way, right?
No, in like a weird internet person way.
Like, I cosplay and eat strawberry yogurt at the mall.
- What? - I love virtual reality.
I can't believe yours says
you went to The Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good.
You know I love "Zoolander."
You cannot quote "Zoolander" on here, immediate turnoff.
It's better than nothing.
I'm being mysterious.
No one's gonna know what to write you.
There's no material for an icebreaker.
Shit.
I didn't think about that.
Hmm, okay, now mess up your hair a little bit.
I don't wanna look like I just fucked my husband.
But you did just fuck your husband.
You know what I'm saying.
Do I? Everything's backwards right now.
I'm making my own wife look more fuckable for other men.
A lot of girls do this one, like a butt shot.
Ooh, you're so sexy.
Take a bite. Take a bite.
Okay, hold on. Let me do virgin face.
It's my first time.
Hmph, my parents are gonna come home soon.
You're blinding me.
It looks good. Trust me.
Am I gonna have laser eyes?
I can edit it.
Make your sex face.
You're an animal.
Okay, one Zoolander,
'cause I know you're dying to do it.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, I can't do this.
I hate it. I hate it.
Hey.
I look good.
See.
- You're gettin' pussy. - Yeah.
Okay, you can do another one.
♪ Oh, you the queen ♪
♪ You're the king ♪
♪ We got our aces out ♪
♪ You the queen ♪
♪ You're the king ♪
♪ We got out aces out ♪
♪ Roll the dice on tonight, go and roll 'em out ♪
♪ Huh ♪
♪ Give me more than enough to go smile about ♪
♪ Aye, aye ♪
- Aunty Carol. - Oh, Mary, I missed you.
We missed you. Thank you so much for having us.
We appreciate it.
I don't accept thank-yous.
What? Well, thank you anyway.
No.
- Oh. - Shh.
- I'm sorry. - Stop.
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean-
- It's okay. Come on in.
When I started, it wasn't all done on the internet,
wasn't all this swiping left and right and dick pics.
Right.
You actually had to talk to people face to face.
You had to ask them, "Hey, you wanna swing?
Hey, you wanna get naked with my friend?"
To the ladies.
- To getting some. - To mad pussy.
God, it sounds so bad
- when you say it like that. - I shouldn't have said it.
- Another one. - This guy, this guy,
- this, guy, this guy. - Ooh.
- Come back! - Hey!
- Hey, Socks. - Come here.
Hey, you want this?
- Yo, Socks. - Do you, would you, boy?
I know you do.
We should do this all, every day.
- I agree. - Yeah.
You're judging me!
Nobody's judging you.
♪ No new friends, no ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la ♪
- I'm so drunk. - Oh, is this okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
♪ La-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Ah-la-la-la ♪ ♪ No new friends ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Oh, when the sun goes down ♪
♪ And when it comes back up ♪
♪ We got our aces out ♪
♪ Oh, when the sun goes down ♪
Hot. I mean,.
♪ We got our aces out ♪
Anyway, I'm dating a man now.
Oh. That's great.
I hadn't have dick in a long time,
so it's really a good change of pace.
I didn't know what I was missing.
Ew!
Dick is awesome.
So insane.
This is how you've always wanted it, right?
Go ahead, shoot me. Shoot me.
Do we really need this?
Yes.
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ No new friends ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ No new friends ♪
- We're so sweaty. - Yes, you're workin' hard.
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ No new friends ♪
And what rules are working for you guys?
That's a stupid question.
The whole point of being open is there's no restrictions.
Rules are the death of life.
We need a new rule.
How about no sleeping with other people in our apartment?
Our space.
Yes.
I mean, I don't think anyone's
gonna wanna be in here anyway.
Yeah, it's a health hazard.
So we need any other rules?
Mm.
I don't know.
You haven't been telling me about
what's been goin' on.
You really wanna know?
Yeah, what's it been like sleeping with someone
who's not me?
Mm, good?
That's good.
It feels so weird talking about it.
That's part of it, though. I wanted to know the truth.
I guess I just feel like I can't articulate it yet.
Is that okay?
That's okay.
Oh god.
What just happened?
That was so good.
I have another rule idea.
Hit me.
We try a threesome.
That's not really a rule.
No, you're right.
Stupid idea, I don't know why I
- brought it up. - I'm in.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay.
Where do we find her?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?
It's automatically a girl?
I'm not crossin' swords.
Don't be homophobic.
That's not homophobic.
A threesome with a magical unicorn girl
is you thinking about your pleasure before mine.
You can get stuff done to you.
Stuff done to me?
It would be for both of us.
Okay, I'm down, I really am, if it's equal.
Since when do you have such a binary view of gender?
I'll correct myself,
one with a vagina and one with a penis.
I'm all about equality, baby.
But I don't want a penis near me.
You live with a penis near you!
It's on your person.
That's not a good argument.
Then I don't want a vagina near me.
What? I'm using your logic.
It's not my logic, 'cause you've been with girls before.
This could be life-changing.
Can we try the girl way first?
I see what you're doing,
and you're not getting out of it like that.
We will have a threesome with someone
who identifies as a man.
And as a reward, we'll have a threesome with someone
who identifies as a woman.
We're on a reward system now?
What am I, a dog getting treats?
You're a dog gettin' pussy.
Oh my god, so you guys are actually going to-
- Yep. - If we can find someone.
You sound shady like that.
Is it weird that we're telling your sister?
We tell each other everything.
Everything?
Wait, do you...
Like, everything, everything?
Yeah.
Huh.
Sick.
Um, okay, well...
Um, yeah, I mean, I'm sure you guys can find a third.
Why haven't we talked about this?
Don't look at me.
We weren't.
Do not look at me either.
We weren't.
Although...
Lana, you wouldn't be interested, would you?
- Hey, what? - Well, hey.
What, you don't, even hypothetically,
want me as your third?
You just said you didn't want to.
Yeah, but I'd like an offer to reject.
It is kind of perfect. We do need a male third, too.
Hey.
Okay, let's not share everything with the group.
No, we share.
Yeah.
Wait, hold on, would you guys...
Would you guys pay me for my services?
- No. - No.
No?
Why not? I'm broke, and I need money.
We don't have any money.
Okay, but I feel like prostituting myself...
Thank you.
If it's to friends, it's not completely unreasonable.
Am I right?
Who's paying what?
Let's just split it.
No way. I only got sides.
Yeah, me too. Also, you're my elder.
That doesn't mean I pay for you.
Why can't it mean that?
Dad pays for your whole life.
Okay, why don't we just...
We'll tally it up card by card.
We're all adults, right?
All right, what are you guys tipping?
20%.
18%.
17.
18%.
12.
12 what?
- Percent. - Percent, babe,
you can't just do 12%.
She was really slow, and she brought me decaf.
Fuck all of you.
Okay.
Except you.
Oh.
My dad just shipped us
the first Life Cup prototype.
Life Cup?
Our spit test.
Yeah, I know, I just...
You're calling it the Life Cup?
Yeah. It was your idea, remember?
You don't like it?
It's just super Republican.
What are you talking about?
Like, why can't it be called the Choice Cup
or Information Cup?
Probably 'cause those aren't good names.
Holy shit.
Wait, don't say anything yet.
Should we play dumb?
We need to strategize.
It doesn't hurt to make her wait a little too.
Do we really wanna do this?
Do you?
- Yes. - Okay, then fuck it.
The situation is presenting itself.
Yeah, but we kind of presented it to her.
You did.
You're not gonna get mad at me
'cause we did it with a girl first?
You're not gonna hold it against me later?
I reserve the right to have any feeling I want,
any time that I want.
Mary.
Fine, I won't.
Really?
I won't get mad.
In for what, question mark, ha dash ha.
Don't voice text. You sound like a serial killer.
Why? It's easier.
Oh shit.
She knows we're panicking.
I don't think we're panicking.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
Three.
Two, one.
Oh my god, Jesus Christ.
Whew.
Oh!
I really like your mustache.
You do?
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Have you ever done coke before?
- No. - You wanna do some cocaine?
- Okay. - Yeah?
You wanna do coke?
Ooh, I did not give you a baby line.
Excuse me, girl, but...
Hey, come here. I made this song just for you.
Come here.
It's my favorite song!
Yes! Oh shit!
♪ Come into my bedroom ♪
♪ Walk in like you used to ♪
♪ Say you'll never leave me lonely ♪
♪ Tell me how you want me only ♪
♪ Come into my ♪
Guys.
♪ And let me love you ♪
Guys.
Hey, guys.
- What? - Babe.
Include me.
Of course, babe.
Whatever.
I guess I'm supposed to not say that.
I'm supposed to be suave and find a way
to grow a second dick.
Second dick?
Dos dick-os!
♪ All wanna do is us ♪
♪ Boy, I reminisce how we touch and kiss ♪
♪ And come into my bedroom ♪
♪ Oh whoa ♪
♪ Be mine ♪
♪ All I wanna do is you ♪
♪ Sentimental soul, heart with no control ♪
♪ And all I wanna do is us ♪
♪ Boy, I reminisce how we touch and kiss ♪
♪ And come into my bedroom ♪
♪ Oh whoa ♪
Tell me everything. Did it freak you out?
Did he pay more attention to her?
Um, sometimes.
Did he penetrate her?
Penetrate?
Oh my god, that's a yes.
I mean, yeah, it's...
That's what a threesome is.
You weren't freaking out?
I can't freak out.
Be human.
Okay, I freaked out a little bit.
The idea of it never mattered, but actually seeing it enter,
I don't know.
Oh my god, where did he come?
I've always wondered the politics of that.
Like, was it like a hose?
You're doing it like he knighted both of us
- with his cum. - Yeah, I mean-
- No.
You're sick.
Okay, I'm not the one that had a threesome, thank you.
Move. I'm gonna fart on you.
♪ It's only natural ♪
Tell us everything.
Gentleman never tells.
Bullshit, how did you get married
and start having more sex?
Oh, it just happened.
I hate you, Mark.
I hate you so much.
Did your dick get nervous?
Probably got stage fright, right?
You're like, oh, it's too much stimulation.
- Here I am, here I am. - Oh goodness, oh no.
- What do I do, what do I do? - Oh no, no, my dick.
There's too many holes.
I did drink so much I was worried I wasn't gonna get
fully hard.
Were you? Were you fully hard?
Yeah. It was fucking awesome.
Do you think Mom ever had a threesome?
Probably.
Why don't we ever talk about her?
I don't know.
I love looking at old photos of her
when she was pregnant with us.
I was doing that the other day, actually, so cute.
That's why I didn't have a real wedding.
It didn't make sense to do it without her, you know?
She'd fucking hate Mark, too.
Hate Mark.
- That mustache would not- - His mustache!
- Nah, yeah, I know. - I was just gonna
- say that. - I know, I know, I know.
She'd freak.
♪ Don't wait up for me ♪
Cheers.
- Wow. - It works.
Do you normally pick that?
Is it not good?
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna, I'm gonna be ♪
♪ Havin' myself a good time ♪
♪ Without ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Havin' myself a good time ♪
Who's that?
Oh, it's, uh, just my wife.
What'd you drink last night?
I didn't.
What did you do last night?
Was it tequila again?
No, I stayed home
and played Word Streak on my phone all night.
Did you order from the Thai place or something?
No.
Okay, what do I do?
You just spit in the center part where the circle is.
See? Right there.
And how do I know if I'm-
- It should turn dark purple.
Really?
Yeah.
It's a good idea.
Yeah, I know, it's, um...
I'm not criticizing you, it's...
Okay.
It's great.
How do I know if I'm not pregnant?
It should turn dark green.
If we pick different colors, like if we chose blue and pink,
then people would assume that the Life Cup predicts gender,
and it doesn't predict-
- Okay, how about no colors?
Is that enough for you?
We need to go to the store.
Why?
We need to get a real test.
This is a real test.
No, it's not. It's not science.
It's a fucking mood ring.
♪ Baby, baby, I'm taken with the notion ♪
♪ To love you with the sweetest of devotion ♪
♪ Baby, baby, my tender love will flow from ♪
♪ The bluest sky to the ♪
Three minutes.
I know.
You wanna sing me a song?
Not really.
I told you.
Really? You're going to hit me with an, "I told you so"?
The mood ring was accurate.
It had a 50-50 chance.
Why are you being like this?
Can't you see that I'm fucking pregnant right now?
Yeah, what if it's not my kid?
Why would it not be your kid?
I don't know, because you've been having
a sweaty fuck parade with other men?
You've been having a sweaty fuck parade, too.
I'm being punished because a dick can't give birth
and a vagina can?
What?
Besides, I'm on the pill.
Okay, we both know
you don't take the pill consistently enough.
You're supposed to take it every day
at the exact same time.
And I told you to get an IUD.
Stop talking to me like you're my gynecologist.
Why don't we get a wishbone and put it in your penis hole
and see how that feels?
- No. - Or why don't you start taking the male pill, bro.
It doesn't exist yet, bro.
Okay, well, I use a condom with anyone who's not you.
How can I know that?
Then why don't you stick a GoPro inside me.
Oh, but you gotta choose, IUD or GoPro,
which one's are gonna be?
For all we know, there's some girl out there
who's pregnant with your baby,
'cause you're using special needs condoms.
Mary, my allergy is serious.
It could be fatal with enough exposure.
It's an excuse that men use who don't wanna wear condoms.
You need to get tested.
You need to get tested,
and you should probably get a paternity test, too,
- if you're so worried about it. - I'm not doing that.
What do you want from me?
I'm just gonna do a swap for the DNA test.
- Okay? - Okay.
Open.
All right, and Dr. Kurtzman will be with you
in just a moment.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh, you're married. That's good.
Why is that good?
We don't have to do an STD swab.
I mean, unless you want to.
Sure.
Is that a sure yes or a sure no?
A sure yes.
Maybe don't call it a swab.
Doesn't sound fun.
I was trying to make it fun, so thank you.
How many sexual partners have you had?
What does it matter, if we're gonna do the swab anyway?
It's a standard question.
You can just give me an approximation.
Uh, I would rather just talk about the prenatal stuff,
if that's okay.
You're pregnant?
Yes.
Sorry, I didn't get to that part yet.
Oh yeah, there it is. You're pregnant.
All right, um.
Do you mind shifting to your left?
Nice, yeah, then the other way.
Lift up your shaft.
Now to do the hokey pokey, turn, and shout.
Just kidding.
Make your legs jello.
Pretend like your knees are jello.
I'm trying.
You're really not.
I'm sorry, it's just,
my mom had a burst ovarian cyst one time.
I am not gonna burst anything, all right.
Don't be afraid. Just scoot your butt on down.
All right.
More, more, more, more.
Jello.
I am jello.
- Jello. - Yeah, I'm jello.
- I am jello. - Jello, jello.
I am jello!
- Have you ever seen jello? - It's like this.
Jello.
You're not gettin' outta here
'til I get a piece of your cervix, so open it up.
Wait.
Come on. You're clenching.
It's gonna hurt more the more you clench.
I'm gonna put it to you like this.
This is how wide I'm gonna need you to be.
Can we get there?
It'll...
I don't wanna do this anymore.
You could mean a number of things at this point.
The open thing.
Well, maybe I do.
But you said if one of us didn't wanna do it,
we could go back.
That was the main thing for you. That was the main rule.
I changed my mind.
You can't just do that.
I'm supposed to know everything I might want
before I want it?
I just, I want it to be just you and me.
Like you said, just us again, please.
It's not just us, Mary.
It's you and me and a fucking baby.
Is there any part of you that actually wants to keep it?
Of course there is.
Don't say "of course" to me.
How can I predict anything with you
when you were so classically un-fucking-predictable?
I wanna keep it.
Don't you think it's weird that we're married,
and this was an accident?
I obviously think it's weird,
but you've trained me not to know what's up or down.
I don't know why.
I just feel like I have to keep it.
Something is telling me I have to.
You trying to bait me into being the bad guy?
- No. - Because I'm not gonna be the bad guy.
And I'm definitely not gonna be a bad father.
But we're not ready for this.
We are so far
- from being ready. - Okay, I get it.
You know, I don't even know why I bother speaking.
We both know you're gonna do exactly what you want,
regardless of how I feel.
How can you say that?
Because it's true.
I mean, this whole thing was your idea from the start.
Have you seen my arm? It says Mary.
Yeah, and mine says Mark.
Your says Mark, and some wiggly-dos, and some other shit,
and some shark fins.
Mine just says Mary.
Yeah, your name and my dead mom.
- Oh my god. - Pretty stupid.
You told me yourself half those were done
by wasted ex-boyfriends.
You are always twisting the narrative!
When did you decide that you hated me this much?
One, two, three, four.
♪ You tell me ♪
♪ Baby, baby, you should smile more, honey ♪
♪ 'Cause you've got a face like a Playboy Bunny ♪
♪ Well, this is gonna hurt you more than ♪
Don't stop, pussies!
♪ Me ♪
♪ I didn't come, I didn't come, I didn't come ♪
♪ Come here for you, come here for you ♪
♪ I didn't come, I didn't come, I didn't come ♪
♪ Come here for you, come here for you ♪
Here.
What is going on?
What's wrong?
Fuck.
Hello, this is Lisa
from the North Hollywood Public Health Center.
We have your test results.
Please return at 818-
What results?
Mary, if they're calling you about it,
then you probably have whatever it is.
Thanks, Lana.
Holy fuck.
Dude, does that mean that I would have an STD, too?
Oh my god, dudes.
I can't believe that you just said that.
No, if I have an STD
- right now- - Yeah, no.
I'm literally gonna kill myself.
So you're gonna have a mystery baby.
It's gonna cry a lot.
And it's gonna poop a lot.
Which means you're gonna have to buy
a lot of diapers.
Which means a lot of money.
You're gonna have to get babysitters,
which actually could be dope,
could be some hot babysitters.
But it's also a lot of money.
Okay, I got it.
I'll babysit if you want.
Don't offer that yet.
You wait until he's desperate, and you need something.
What's wrong with you?
Just think ahead, dude.
Think, hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
No.
Oh fuck.
Hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
- We love you, man. - We love you.
- A lot. - A lot.
Like, whatever you need, to a reasonable point-
Oh.
Is it Mary?
Is it? Put it on speaker.
Dude, shut up.
- We're in it. - Just...
Hello? Just give me a second.
You're gonna babysit?
No, of course I don't wanna babysit.
Well, what the fuck, man?
You better hope he's high enough to forget that.
Do you wanna be "Two and a Half Men"?
No.
Fuck.
I'm having a panic attack.
This is why it's good to be bi, you know?
You can just stick with dudes and-
- Stick with just
- men exclusively? - Just men, exclusively.
Okay, well that's just gay.
Yeah, maybe I'm gay.
Am I gonna hit that,
or are you just gonna fuckin' sit with it?
North Hollywood Public Health Center,
this is Lisa speaking.
Hi, this is Mary Lewis. I just missed your call.
Please hold.
Suffering from a dry or itchy vagina?
- Are you fucking kidding me? - It may be a syndrome
called menopause vaginal dryness.
A lubricant might be for you.
Try our All Natural Wild Yam Vaginal Moisturizing Gel today,
currently available in 1.5 to 3 ounces.
Oh fuck.
Hello? Are you there?
Yeah, yeah.
The results of your paternity test are back.
Thank you for your patience.
So your results are back, and they're positive for, uh,
oh, for HPV.
Fuck.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's fine. I hear it all the time.
Can you tell me if it's the good kind or the bad kind?
Or not, not, not the good...
Can you, can you tell me if it's the cancer kind
or the not-cancer kind, please?
Mm, you're gonna have to schedule follow-up
with Dr. Jacobs.
Okay, but if it was the bad kind,
I would have symptoms, right? I don't have any symptoms.
Yeah, I can't answer these questions for you.
You're gonna have to come in.
So would you like to set up an appointment?
How is, uh, how's Wednesday?
Hello?
You want a drink?
Probably shouldn't.
Oh, right.
Hey, I wanted to say I'm sorry for my part in all this.
And I shouldn't have suggested that I wasn't in father.
I got the call.
It's fine.
And I probably shouldn't have suggested
that we don't keep the baby.
It's okay.
If we're gonna do this,
we're gonna need to get more permanent jobs,
and we're gonna need to sell some stuff
and really just save up everything we can.
You're not saying anything.
I have HPV.
What?
I'm sure it's nothing, I just...
I didn't want to sit here with you,
and you look so pretty and candle-lit,
and, like, lie to you or something,
or not lie, but, like, withhold.
So you probably gave me an STD?
Can you lower your volume?
I thought you got Gardasil.
I did, a long time ago, and my insurance didn't cover it,
and you have to get three rounds,
so after the first round, I just...
You could've given it to me. These things are silent.
Yeah, silent killers.
I don't even know what it means yet.
Oh god, I'm already itchy.
Oh my god, by the way,
there isn't even an HPV test for men.
So you could have been born with it,
or it's been dormant this whole time,
and this isn't even a big deal.
It's not automatically me.
Learn to fuckin' deal with things.
Says the girl still in a band.
We need therapy.
We can't afford therapy.
Mm-hmm.
Yep, takeout.
Learning Spanish is easy.
Once you understand conjugation, you're well on your way.
Sí se puede.
How should we list them for?
How much does a crib cost?
Hey.
You're far away.
Your toenails are super sharp.
I meant emotionally.
No, I know, but they're really sharp, and I can feel it.
But I cut them last week.
I don't know what to tell you.
They're super fast-growing.
They're not that bad.
Yes, they are. They're like little steak knives.
That's extreme.
They're like serrated,
and they cut my legs in the night when I'm sleeping.
My legs are afraid.
This is sweet. I love it.
Are you gonna look at my presents now?
- Yes, okay. - Open hers.
Is it?
No, no, no.
I have an outie.
♪ I heard about being young ♪
♪ But I'm not sure how it's done ♪
♪ Thought I heard a mumble ♪
♪ Somethin' about fun ♪
♪ Fun ♪
♪ Easy for you to say, I say ♪
♪ I say this to you every day ♪
♪ Easy for you to say ♪
♪ The sky is a special orange streak ♪
♪ Between balloons, two moons ♪
♪ A leak of light in a blue town like this ♪
♪ The clouds are you, the sky a kiss ♪
♪ That never shows or comes, oh what ♪
♪ A waste sits in the parking lot ♪
♪ I just wanna be alive, that's it ♪
♪ Alive ♪
♪ I think about you and cry ♪
♪ All alone ♪
♪ Stolen like candy ♪
♪ What's the point of ♪
♪ Fakin' it, this big talk ♪
♪ Oh, a drink in my hand ain't the only life I wanna know ♪
♪ Is it wrong ♪
So whose responsibility is it
to make this not so weird?
I think that's on you two.
I'm just gonna fold and unfold my napkin
until somebody says my name.
That's really funny.
So, Mary, what do you do, like for work?
I'm a waitress.
And a wonderful singer.
An average singer.
She has a beautiful voice.
That's generous.
It literally makes me cry.
Wow.
We're actually workin' on a project together,
but I had a little hand injury.
I was a guitar player, and I was cleaning a wine glass,
and it completely shattered in my hand.
Uh, four surgeries later, I'm kind of stuck here.
I mean, you really can't open it.
Here, give it a shot. Try to open it.
Come on, Mark. Come on, Mark.
Come on.
Oh!
Oh yeah, it'll sneak up on you, just like that.
- Wow. - That's really weird.
- Yeah, yeah. - Four surgeries,
and that's what they did?
Yeah, that's it, that was... Yeah.
That's it? Are they done?
I like that finger. It's my favorite one.
Yeah.
So, uh, Mark, what do you do?
I'm just splittin' my time between here and Ventura.
Yeah, I work with my dad's plastics company,
Make-It Manufacturing.
Cool.
Uh, so what do you guys make?
Uh, plastic?
Hmm.
Well, the ocean, I guess, huh?
Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, you know. Yeah.
He's kidding.
No, we feel bad about that, but-
- I mean, you kind of need plastic.
Still.
Uh, you guys hungry?
Yeah, I was gonna get the BLT.
- The BLT, mm, bacon. - Hmm.
You gotta worry about that factory farming, though, right?
That has a huge footprint as well, so, poor little piggies.
Touché, man.
Well...
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ Say you'll stay, never be severed ♪
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ We can stay alone together ♪
♪ Darlin', don't get away right now ♪
♪ You know you've got me in your pocket ♪
♪ Just come here, and we can settle down ♪
♪ Oh darling, it's alarming ♪
♪ To think of us apart ♪
♪ You know you've got me in your pocket ♪
♪ You don't just have to wait around ♪
♪ You know I keep you in my locket ♪
♪ Just come here, and we can settle down ♪
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
♪ You and me, always, forever ♪
♪ We could stay alone together ♪
♪ You and me ♪
- So- - Should we-
- Go ahead, go ahead.
No, no, what were you gonna say?
I, uh, are we gonna do this now or-
- Well-
- You want a shot or somethin'?
Okay.
- Okay. - All right.
- So, um, maybe. - Yeah.
- Both of you guys. - Are y'all gonna,
and then I-
- Yeah. - That's brilliant.
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.
- Uh. - Okay.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Ah yes.
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
♪ We're runnin' with razor blades ♪
♪ Party favors, sex with strangers ♪
♪ We don't care what the neighbors say ♪
♪ If this is how it's gonna end ♪
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
♪ I'm crawlin' of the dead man's bed ♪
♪ Well, we don't wanna know ♪
♪ I'm killin' myself just to live ♪
♪ Well, we don't wanna go ♪
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
♪ We're runnin' with razor blades ♪
♪ Party favors, sex with strangers ♪
♪ We don't care what the neighbors say ♪
♪ If this is how it's gonna end ♪
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
♪ We're hell raisers ♪
♪ Death wish cravers ♪
♪ We're runnin' with razor blades ♪
♪ Party favors, sex with strangers ♪
♪ We don't care what the neighbors say ♪
♪ If this is how it's gonna end ♪
♪ 'Cause it feels all right ♪
♪ Baby, let's get sick again ♪
There we go.