( Moose bellowing )
( Loons wailing )
( Bagpipe music playing )
* boom de de boom boom boom de de boom boom *
* boom boom boom
* land of the silver birch
* home of the beaver
* where still the mighty moose *
* wanders at will
* blue lake and rocky shore
* I will return once more
* boom de de boom boom boom de de boom boom *
* boom boom boom
* boom de de boom boom boom de de boom boom *
* boom boom boom
* boom de de boom boom boom de de boom boom *
* boom boom boom.
Here.
( Thunder rumbles )
Woman: dad, what...
Dad, oh my god!
Dad.
Dad...
Man: well, I guess death waits for us all,
each and every one of us.
I was just kind of hoping that god might have made
an exception for a curling man.
But obviously I was wrong,
and if you can hear my voice then you know
that I've gone to that great "bonspiel" in the sky.
Because this is the last will and testament of me,
Donald foley.
I'm going to miss this world.
Yes, I'm going to miss this world.
I know, I died with a clear conscience,
and I hope my underwear was too,
but I'm still going to miss this world,
miss our town.
Hell, I'm even going to miss the mine,
because I love the smell of sulfur in the morning.
And I know I probably died of a heart attack,
but, you know, I sure as hell didn't die of a broken heart
because I had you,
my nearest and dearest, the humans I loved.
My beautiful bride, Eva.
So long, "kama sutra girl."
And my own personal astronaut, my daughter Julie.
And my tough little Amy,
you've done a great job with Brandon.
I'm so proud of you.
And to my four curling proteges,
I know I often treated you like a venereal disease,
but you were the best team a man could have the honor to coach.
I think of you as part of my family.
Mr. Neil bucyk,
one of the great lead stones of the game.
I'm confident you'll handle the sendoff of my mortal remains
with all the dignity and solemnity that such an occasion calls for.
( Grunting )
Duu-ohh!
( Gasps )
Donald: oh, and Neil,
I would surely appreciate that discount we talked about.
Here it is, here it is.
Oh, god, stop.
( Bell ringing )
To Donald foley.
All: to Donald foley.
Donald: and to my great guard rock, Eddie stronback,
one of these days your sperm is going to land on the button
and I hope you and Lily name the firstborn after me.
And James Lennox, master take-out artist,
you don't come home enough, but I guess that's the life
of a big commodity in the commodities business.
I'd like to pass on a word of advice:
You'll never get a woman to settle with you
if you can't remember her name.
Linda, Eddie, Lily
- this is Jeannie. - Joanne.
Joanne! shit, sorry baby. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Must have "namezheimers" or something.
Donald: and Chris cutter, the natural born skipper.
There are those who would call you a son of a bitch
for abandoning your teammates, your town,
and leaving my daughter standing at the altar,
and I'd be one of them.
Can I talk to you?
If you'll excuse me, i have to take my mom to the wake.
Donald: but I'm angling to get into heaven,
so I suppose I'll have to forgive you.
After all, who knows,
maybe you've changed.
I can tell you, our little town sure has.
Oh, fuck. What happened to Kelsey's?
They put up one of those American "big box's" down the road.
- Bled them dry. - Goddamn it.
This is happening all across this country.
Places like Kelsey's, took them 60 years to get the creaks in the floor.
You can't mass produce something like that.
That hardware store was unique.
So was my husband. I'm still glad they came up with vibrators.
Let me tell you about vibrators--
oh my god.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Donald: I'd like you to do me a favor, Chris.
I'd like you to say hello to an old teammate of mine.
I'm just a little worried. Last time I saw him
he was doing something irregular with a cow.
He's your father. He misses you.
And now, my worldly effects I leave
to the three women in my life,
knowing that you'll give each other all your loving support.
So you're an astronaut because he was a loser?
Tell me how that fucking works.
- I didn't say that, Amy. - Julie, it's not--
what? why do you have to take her side?
A heart like his and she takes him out on the lake?
At least i was there for him.
There for him? You killed him.
Donald: yes, it's the peace and tranquility
of our happy home that I will miss.
And that concludes the reading
of the last will and testament of me, Donald foley.
There is however, a codicil.
It is my wish that my cremated remains
be placed under the handle of this,
the last of the copernicus stones.
Which Mr. foley died recovering from the bottom of trout lake.
Though, how they came to be at the bottom of the lake
is one of long bay's most enduring mysteries.
The golden broom was established in 1937.
From that time to the present,
the closest any local rink has come to winning it is you.
Therefore, I'm asking you to reunite as a rink
and that you place this rock containing me,
Donald foley--
place it on the button and finish the job.
Remember...
The purity of the heart is to will one thing.
Good god in his high chair,
that man was so unsteady.
- He's in there now? - Uh-huh.
Marvin, this can't be legally binding.
No, no, no. But morally?
Well, it's a big decision.
Here's your coach.
Julie: there's no way they're going to do it, is there?
Amy: it doesn't look like it.
Eva: you never know with those boys, do you?
They haven't seen each other in 10 years.
Linda: we are talking about the country club.
Hey, dad? What happens to a body after it dies?
- It rots. - No, I mean before the rot.
- Where does it go? - A perfect opportunity, and what do you do?
You ignore it, you ignore my wishes.
Sometimes I'm not sure we're on the same page.
Pass the beets, please.
I'm trying to reach out here,
because if there is an absolute truth--
the beets, please--
the truth is this, you cannot snub
the treasurer of the country club
and expect to be looked upon favorably.
The beets, please. Third time I've asked.
To answer your question, Andrew,
sometimes you get buried in the ground,
and other times, although it's infrequent, you get put in a stone,
and other times you just get married.
( Harmonic tones )
I mean, fun's fun and all, but you and me, we've got plans.
We can't just drop everything, pick up and go curling.
Sure you can.
Now, ed. Right now.
One of these days, lil, this is going to work, and you and me,
we're going to find ourselves with a whole brood of kids.
( Moaning )
"I pray the lord this sperm will float
and make my egg a good zygote."
( Moaning continues )
( Dog whines )
Oh, Jesus!
( Woman giggling )
- James: what? - Joanne: I'm ticklish.
James: well, suppress it.
Come on, this is serious.
Each team has eight rocks, each guy throws two.
When all the rocks are thrown,
whoever has their rock closest to the button,
or bull's-eye,
that team gets the points.
So, if you're on my button,
but I've got two rocks over here,
- I don't get any points? - No, because I'm closer.
Whoever's closer, that team scores.
- The other guy gets nothing. - Okay.
- Like shuttleboard. - It's shuffleboard, and no.
You got to think more like snooker, poker,
and free-faced rock climbing. This is dangerous shit.
'Cause if your stone's a high, hard one,
you are going to slide right through the house
and wind up in the hack.
( Laughing )
Must urinate.
Good to see you.
Shoot, I forgot to tell you about your friend in there.
How do you forget about 400 pounds of defecating menace, man?
I'm looking for my money.
( Flatulence )
How'd he seem? You know, mood-wise?
( Bellows )
You fucked with stuckmore.
( James groans )
Chris: come on, shut up in there.
- James: easy, watch the hair. - Chris: Jim?
- Lovers' quarrel? - Business dispute.
( Screams )
James: Jesus Christ, he's coming through the wall, man.
Piece of shit.
Where's my money?
Okay, listen. I told you the money was here, right?
- Here it is. That's the money. - You're the money?
I don't know what he's talking about.
Don't fuck around. He's manifestly serious.
I want my money.
Okay. the money. All right, I got it. It's right here.
It's kind of heavy.
Okay, I really got to pee now.
Eddie: just like old times, huh?
Chris: too much like old times.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means a decade goes by and I'm still
- picking up after you. - You're not picking up.
No? a giant walked the fucking earth,
now he's lying in the trunk of my car.
Yeah?
What do you mean, "yeah"? Am I still speaking english?
- Yeah. - pretty much.
This is your problem.
Hold up right there, my bon vivant.
This is not my problem.
- This is your problem. - His problem?
Sure. all I did was cap his bulk mescaline
for street sale and neglect to pay him.
Chris, crushed his head with a curling rock.
You've got to understand about these guys.
To them, money is more or less a hobby.
Violence, on the other hand, is their vocation.
What does this have to do with commodities trading?
Every food chain has its brutalities.
- ( Knocking ) - Neil: The giant is awake.
Stop sign.
( Tires screeching )
( Siren wails )
- Oh shit. - ( Stuckmore thumping )
Is there a problem, Francis?
You know, Neil?
Sometimes keeping the peace requires a limited vision.
For instance, I don't see that questionable cigarette in Jim's mouth.
What I do see is a car bouncing up and down like hell.
Shocks. they need weight.
Ah.
James: so life's good, Francis?
Oh, it's good and spicy. Especially since you boys
are taking a run at the golden broom.
Who said we were going to take a run?
In law enforcement we call this a "deduction."
To wit: I got four delinquents
with their coach on the roof.
Now, I conclude that you're probably looking
for practice ice as opposed to,
I don't know, let's say disposing of a body.
( Nervous laughter )
You got a problem there?
Muffler.
You'll be wanting to repair that, eh?
Night, Francis.
( Foghorn sounding )
James: oh Christ!
Chris: ow! watch my foot.
( All groaning )
Eddie: the giant is awake again.
Me. down. Now.
Okay.
( Screaming )
You're dead.
Say hello to port huron for us.
* boom de de boom boom boom de de boom boom *
* boom boom boom
Eddie: anybody hungry?
You packed a lunch?
No, Lily did. Just in case.
- Just in case what? - Just in case--
I don't know, just in case anything.
Wait, every time you step out of the house she packs you a lunch?
- No, not every time. - How often, then?
Like say in the course of a week?
Six times, maybe.
Unbelievable.
If Linda ever packed me anything, it'd be dynamite.
- She'd pack it up my ass. - Ow. Ow.
So, Jim, what's the story with this girlfriend of yours?
- Who, Janis? - Joanne, isn't it?
Oh yeah, that's right. What about her?
- You been seeing her long? - A couple of weeks, on and off.
She's a rent-a-girlfriend.
Chris: good god, listen to yourself.
Are you some kind of moral dyslexic?
I think you got that backwards, baby.
- James: huh? Beautiful, isn't it? - Chris: Guys, come on,
when was the last time any one of us threw a stone?
Neil: it'll be 10 years, may 13th.
Yeah, that's when you walked out on us.
Which mystified the hell out of all of us.
I mean, the three of us sat around scratching our asses,
wondering what the hell happened to Chris in that last game
that would make him walk away from a chance to win the golden broom
without saying a fucking word to anybody?
Now, it just so happened that one day
I found myself in a bar in boob lake.
Suddenly the answer came to me in a vision.
And it went kind of like this.
Eddie: does he mean a "burning bush" sort of thing?
Neil: no, he means cutter burned a rock and didn't call it.
No, he didn't.
Yeah.
Eddie: is that true?
You touched a rock and didn't call it?
We got into the finals because you cheated?
James: that's why he threw the stones in the lake.
Neil: that's why you couldn't face us.
Now here you are.
And here we are.
And Donald foley, god rest his soul,
has asked us to put him on the button.
So I guess the burning question is
are you going to pick up that stone?
- It's on fire. - I mean metaphorically.
Foley always said the lifeblood of this game is honor.
You think I deserve to pick up that stone?
Why not? One way or another
you've been carrying it for 10 years already.
( Door opening, closing )
- ( Door opening ) - hey.
Hey.
I saw your car outside.
What are you doing out at 3:00 in the morning?
Driving around, trying not to drink.
What about you?
Amy, I'm hanging out with your dad.
Which, in the circumstances, is vaguely creepy.
My dad was a freak, eh?
Yes.
I had no idea his plan was so...
Elaborate, you know?
I thought it was a nice way to get to spend time with him.
I'd take these scuba lessons, and he'd get the boat,
and we'd get the rocks, and get you-- guys back.
And now I think, "for what?"
I mean, I look at him in this thing,
and it is just a rock.
No, it's not just a rock.
- No? - no.
It's 42 pounds of polished granite
with a beveled underbelly
and a handle a human being can hold.
It may have no practical purpose in and of itself
but it is a repository of human possibility
and if it's handled just right it will exact a kind of poetry.
For 10 years I've drilled for oil
in 93 countries, five different continents,
and not once have i done anything to equal
the grace of a well-thrown rock sliding down a sheet.
Not once.
I'm a drug dealer.
I bury dead people.
I have a single digit sperm count.
And I'm a naked cheater.
Chris: i say we go for it.
Are you with me?
Let's do it.
( All yelling )
( All whimpering )
James: this water's glacial!
Eddie: that's 'cause it's fed by a glacier.
Neil: my gonads have forsaken me.
Chris: we're going to have to start playing.
Eddie: yeah, we've got to get into game shape.
I've lined up our first match with some old boys.
Neil: didn't there used to be a rope ladder?
If I could get a hard-on, we could all climb out.
( Doorbell rings )
- Hey. - hey.
I was just going through some of dad's stuff.
Nobody else really seemed up to it so I thought--
I would--
- hey, come here. - I just miss him.
Me, too.
( Sobbing )
You came for the rocks, didn't you?
- Yeah. - yeah.
I have to, Julie. I owe him.
You owe him what?
Me.
I owe him what I am.
You're a roughneck in the oil patch, Chris.
That's not a debt. That's a curse.
Not everyone can be an astronaut, Julie.
You say that like it's a fault.
Come on, I don't mean that. You know that.
I'm proud of you.
Everyone's proud of you. He was proud of you.
- He loved you. - Did you?
- Yeah, I loved him. - And me?
Of course you loved him.
- Did you? - Love him?
- No. - who?
- Me. - you?
Yes, me. You moron, did you love me?
Yeah, I did.
Here, just take this and go.
Eddie: i say we play with honor.
Neil: yeah, and with dignity.
Chris: but remember, we say nothing about incontinence.
- Good game. - Take it easy on us, boys.
We are going to sweep those diapers right off your asses!
That's the spirit, Sonny. Asshole.
Come on boys, let's kick some butt.
James: hey, look who showed.
Mind if i join you?
Sure.
Amy: buckle up. Get comfortable,
because here we go.
Joanne: so, what inning are we in?
Amy: they're called "ends,"
and this is the first. They'll play 10.
Up one side and down the other.
Joanne: those old guys are kind of old, aren't they?
Julie: don't be deceived. Old guys have the touch.
He'll lay that stone in just so.
They may be old, but they are the enemy. Kill them.
Amy: you see, every player
has his own kind of style.
Some guys have perfect weight.
- They throw the lead stone. - Off!
Then you have your guards, then you have take-out artists.
And finally, you have your skipper.
Together all four of them make a "rink."
And our rink is doing pretty good.
Julie: so far.
Like riding a bike.
Never lose it, do you? Not really.
No, sir.
Julie: but old guys can be cunning.
Old man: What you got there?
Tobacco from persia.
I had a persian cat once.
Julie: they'll try and lull you
into a false sense of security.
Joanne: wow.
Name of kitty.
Legs from here to Los Angeles.
May I just say what an honor this is?
I mean, I barely got through high school
and shit-- you went to the university.
Amy: two of them, actually.
Mcgill and Harvard. Double doctorate.
Which is amazing. But your fitness level--
I mean, "who let the dogs out?"
Joanne: so, what the heck are all the brooms for?
Julie: without touching the rock you can affect
it's speed and accuracy. You can kind of steer
a block of granite down 146 feet of ice
and land it on an area the size of a toilet--
which is where our guys are going to wind up
if cutter doesn't pull his shit together.
I thought you weren't interested.
Admit it-- you still got it for him.
Tap this one. Raise this one--
- tap it? - Tap it.
I think they're going to do it.
Whoo-hoo!
James: whoo-hoo!
I haven't seen something like that in '50, '52--
I've never seen something like that.
What happens now?
The largest piece of stone nearest the button wins the point.
- You call that a tap? - A tap with authority!
You stupid, fucking...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Hey, hey, hey!
Julie: one last yellow stone and a wide-open target,
which means our guys are about to be destroyed
by a gang of octogenarians.
Those are old people.
Oh.
Together: yeah!
- I forgot the tape. - I'll give it to him.
- I'm sure you will. - Knock if off, okay?
Here comes trouble.
Listen, all I can say in my defense--
okay, what was that about?
About my equivalent of a "mercy fuck."
Take this.
Hi, my name's Amy, and I'm still an alcoholic.
I'm a single mom, and my ex--
I don't even know where he is.
And there's this other guy
that I haven't seen in a long time
and he doesn't even know--
the problem is, he reminds me of my dad.
The point is, lately I've been feeling like I need a "touch-me-up,"
because I don't know which way to turn.
Hey, you can turn to me anytime you want.
Thank you. That's sweet.
I'd rather shit in my mouth.
So, what was that with you and "space woman"?
She wanted to give me this tape.
- This tape was in her mouth? - Her tongue was in her mouth.
Recording: it's the coach, boys.
Jesus, it's the voice of the dead.
I imagine by now you've thrown a couple rocks
and you're beginning to think this was a pretty dim idea.
I just want to thank you for trying.
That's manipulation. He's trying to manipulate us.
And I'm not trying to manipulate you.
Truth is, my spirit can only carry you so far.
What you need now is some paternal advice.
Eddie: what's that mean?
And Chris, I think you know what that means.
I'll see you boys later.
- Yeah, like when, man? - When you're dead, of course.
Oh, god. It's so true.
In the meantime, keep your brooms on the ice.
Jesus!
( Tires squealing )
( Beavers honking )
Okay, what do you see out there?
- Beavers. - the ones with teeth?
- Yeah. - okay, good.
No, not good. It's an omen.
Okay, come on. Let's get the brooms.
( Honking continues )
- James: hey, man, what if it is an omen? - It's not an omen.
It's just a bunch of confused beavers.
"And the river shall bring forth beavers abundantly,
which shall go up and come into thine house,
- and into thy bedchamber." - Neil, do you mind?
Think about it. We just had our asses chewed off
by guys who don't have their own teeth anymore.
We're driving around in a hearse, we're talking to a dead guy,
and now the road before us is blocked by our national symbol.
These events, they've got to add up, right?
"...into thine ovens and into thy kneading trough."
Seriously, you're giving me the creeps, man.
"And the beavers shall come both upon thee
and upon all thy people...
And upon all thy servants."
Chris: what do you think they add up to?
They add up to what the coach said-- temporal advice.
You have got to open your arms up wide and say,
"hi, dad."
( Snarling, buzzing )
Jesus!
Give me a hand.
Fuck!
Gordon: you know, my schedule is pretty rigid these days.
Because fertilizer won't wait, you know.
I'm certainly glad you showed up.
A second hand always helps to keep the mess down.
You know, i used to own two,
but one of them ran away.
Didn't take too easy to the attention,
at least that's my guess. Here take that, will you?
Come on with me here.
Over here now.
You just stand up over there.
Hold the tail. Get that bucket up there.
Let me guess. You got trounced and you realized
that you needed a professional, so you decided
- to bury the hatchet. - What are you doing?
I'm rubbing the cow's sphincter.
Here it comes. Get the bucket up there.
- All right. - Jesus, dad.
- That's a girl. - ( Splattering )
It's a critical crop-growing period,
and there's nothing finer for it than what Roxanne here delivers.
That's a girl. Bring the bucket.
( Flatulence )
Give me the bucket. Thank you.
( Chuckling ) beautiful.
They're mushrooms.
Yes, but they are magic, my son.
They are magical mushrooms.
- Dad, listen-- - no, no, I understand.
You've got scruples about their illegality,
but rest assured I have no commercial aspirations.
These mushrooms are medicinal.
Can you just stop what you're doing for a second?
We shall not speak of her.
I'm not here to talk about mom.
No?
We haven't been able to talk about mom since she died.
I don't think we're going to now.
In fact, I'm quite happy if we just leave
all that in the drawer we put it in.
And I'm not asking you to love me, I'm not even asking you to like me.
I'm just asking you to coach me.
That's all?
That's all.
My word shall be like unto god's?
All right.
So be it.
* spring starts when our heartbeat's pounding *
* when the birds and bee heard above the reckoning *
* cards doing some final accounting *
* whole town flowing to the farmer's direction *
* he's been getting reprieve from the heat *
* in the frozen food section *
* yeah.
All right, men. You've got three weeks.
At the end of that time you might be able to pretend
that you know something about this game.
* mass romantic fools separated by sheets *
* when the curtain calls you speak *
* and on the wings of stolen virtue *
* missing from the radio, radio *
* now this romantic duel is into the streets... *
- Eddie...? - ...You realize *
* this is not the way
* in the street light dawn
* this beat turns on.
( Grunting )
( Glass breaking )
Oh... oh... Jesus!
That's some hair-trigger you got there, Eddie.
It's not the size of the army
it's the fury of its onslaught.
* this boy's life
* among the electrical lights *
bets are laying that the cutter rink
doesn't make it to the second end.
Just your eyes on the street, that's all I am.
Unless, of course, you wanted something more.
Whatever that might be.
Some cream might be good. Ahem...
20...
On cutter.
( Bell rings )
( Moaning )
( Screaming in German )
Pa system: Dr. Michelle to fertility clinic admitting.
Oh, lil. Lily.
Lily: what he's saying about the motility of your sperm
is that there is none.
Motility, that is.
He thinks maybe we should investigate donor sperm.
Donor sperm?
Hmm...
Is that something you personally take part in, or...?
Narrator: there was a time when beaver lodges like this one
and the busy beavers that build them had almost
disappeared from Canada because of...
Eddie: what about bucyk?
He's too indecisive.
And cutter's too moody. And Lennox is too...
- ( Motorcycle revving ) - Lennox.
Honey, we're facing a real shortage of sperm donors.
I guess I'm the only guy on the team for you, huh?
Yeah.
( Gasps ) damn!
I could blow a gasket.
I'm a gasket.
What's your name? I mean, your real name?
Andrea.
( Moaning ) Ronald! Stop.
Continue.
Stop.
- ( Rumbling ) - depart.
( Zipping )
And where have you been?
Out.
Curling, no doubt,
while the business that was handed to you by my father
goes unattended were it not for Ronald.
Linda, you were looking at me like you asked a question,
but that was actually a statement.
Shape up or ship out.
Gordon: men, we'll not let ourselves be pushed around.
We'll be aggressive,
and we'll be hard-headed about this.
We're going up against skilled teams,
like Alexander "the juggernaut" yount,
who play a touch game.
We'll answer that with speed,
power and heart.
- Are you with me? - Together: Yes, sir.
All right, that's enough for today.
Son...?
Can you give me a second of your time, please?
How's my form?
- It's fine. - Good--
because I think it might be permanent.
( Groaning )
Where did you graduate from--
"saddam Hussein's school of physiotherapy"?
Oh--! this is unspeakably painful.
- Shush. - Amy?
Your father's a suckhole.
No argument there. I need some advice.
About what?
About your sister.
- Jesus wept. - What?
Come on. You're a woman.
Oh, you noticed.
( Groans ) oh-hh-- she may look like a woman--
all those curves and those swells,
everything suggests she's a woman--
but you get caught for two seconds in her clutches
and you'll come to know she is the spawn of Satan.
( Laughing )
You mind?
I'm just wondering if she said anything to you about me, that's all.
I'm not doing this, cutter.
- Doing what? - This.
- What? - it was bearable when i was your drinking buddy,
but I'm not, and I'm not your go-between.
If you have something to ask my sister, go fuck her-- talk to her.
Just go.
Your son's a creep.
No argument there.
Oh, no, you wouldn't.
- Yes, yes... - No, no, no...
- Yes. - no-oo!
Gentlemen, we are 11 days to lockdown,
43 to "mission green light."
And m-con wants an update on all the flight crew status,
beginning with the s.P.D.M.
Dr. Olsen is good to go, colonel.
- Alternate Marx? - Also good.
Second alternate foley, however, has requested extended leave.
Her father just passed away.
"...and he's in a curling rock."
What is a "curling rock," exactly?
( Whistling )
Chris: i really wish I had known what to say to you.
The truth is...
I had a meltdown.
A full-blown, old-style crackup like I suddenly became French or something--
shut up, Chris.
You just didn't love me enough. That's all.
Okay.
What, you're agreeing with me?
No, I'm not agreeing with you.
I'm sitting across from an astronaut.
- You don't think there's some sort of-- - no.
Causal relationship between you ditching me
and me ending up in the space program?
That somehow absolves you? Forget it.
You get no absolution.
I'm sorry to bother you, Ms. foley, but would you mind?
I would be happy to.
You abandoned me, you prick.
Shit heel.
Turd.
Scumbucket.
Asswipe.
Hey...
What are we doing?
It's slightly complicated,
because I think i actually hate you.
But hate is good, and I like this hate.
Because this hate is something I can feel.
* just got a message coming down from the planet love *
* look out on the street there's no one outside... *
( knocking on door )
* they're trying to hide
* you can't beat the rays and the power of the planet love *
* I plant my seed in the soil of planet love... *
hey man, have you seen my girlfriend?
- Nope. - man, I got to get one of those tracking collars.
Who's in there?
In my room? That's Amy.
You got her drunk? Goddamn it, Jim.
She's a.A. What else did you do to her?
Hey man, I resent that implication.
Even if I wanted to take advantage of the young lady,
I do have some principles.
They got to be conscious, for one thing.
Aside from which, I'm in training for god's sakes.
I mean, the flesh must be controlled, man.
Furthermore, i didn't get her drunk. You did.
I wasn't even here.
No, you were in the car with her sister.
Hang on. Hold on. Okay?
You are such a sweet man.
( Retching )
She's okay. She's just tired.
It's nice that you're lying to me,
but we both know she's shitfaced.
Yeah, but you take care of her, okay?
- Got to-- she's the only mom I got. - Okay, hop up.
I'm sorry.
Sir? we seem to have a problem
concerning first alternate Dr. Marx.
This is unbelievable.
Two men down on one flight?
I wonder what the odds are on that?
We're running the numbers and we're ready to set up
second alternate, Dr. foley, to "will notify."
Go away.
* getting enough, i got me a love *
* that is so bad, it's so bad *
* there were times
* I have prayed to go on... *
all: 28...
29...
100.
Gentlemen, let's go.
We've got a tournament to play.
( Bagpipes playing )
Announcer: for years they have journeyed deep
into the heart of the Canadian shield.
There may be bigger tournaments,
there may be bigger prizes...
But few are as legendary.
Some say it's the ice that draws them,
but I say it's the fans.
In the mecca of long bay, there may be a dozen churches,
but make no mistake,
this is where everyone comes to worship.
We extend a warm welcome to all of our viewers.
- I'm Greg guinness. - And I'm Paul savage.
This is the opening day of the golden broom of long bay.
- You're eating mushrooms? - Son, I'm not throwing.
- I'm the one who's got to see the big picture. - Jesus.
( Crowd cheering )
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, with his typically
understated entrance, please welcome world champion and gold medal winner,
Alexander "the juggernaut" yount.
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up *
* throw your hands up, throw your hands up *
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up *
* throw your hands up, throw your hands up *
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up *
* throw your hands up, throw your hands up *
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up *
* you can't keep running away, you better hold on... *
( crowd cheering )
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up *
* throw your hands up, throw your hands up *
* everybody, get up, everybody, get up... *
I feel a general sense of dread.
You want an easy ride?
Then play a bonspiel for the gutless.
You want the golden broom,
then find your spine.
Do not diminish this.
You're up against the empire of evil.
Good luck.
For opponents, yount has drawn--
oh, my, this is a nightmare-- a local rink skipped by Chris cutter.
Announcer: just to put this in perspective, Paul,
the broom remains the one title that continues
to elude even the game's dominant force, Alexander yount.
You guys look great. Welcome to long bay.
- Good curling. - Whatever.
- Official: call it in the air, please. - Tails.
Tails it is-- Mr. yount?
We'll take red.
Good game.
Oy...
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen, the preparation is over,
and there is no time for second thoughts,
for this is the moment they've all been waiting for.
And the golden broom is underway.
Get up!
On it! Off it!
And that was a-- what would you call that?
I'd call that a "miss," Greg.
Cutter-- he's got a nice touch.
Man: come on now!
Announcer: our matchups today features sarnia up against
rocky mountain house on sheet "a."
On sheet "d" we have medicine hat taking on kamloops.
And on sheet "c," Kingston is represented by "the tragically hip."
But all eyes will be on sheet "b"
where the local rink is up against the juggernaut.
Off! on!
Do something!
Jeez-- what is that?
- What would you call that? - I'd call that another miss.
See, when the...
There's no-- they...
I'm a little stoned.
Go, team!
( Crowd applauding )
Announcer: cutter is certainly playing with heart,
but after eight ends, he may be outmanned and outgunned.
He's going to have to come up with a miracle in these dying moments.
He's down by three and will have to rely on yount to make a misstep,
something the juggernaut is famous for avoiding.
It may be stressed that the juggernaut has yet to win this tournament...
Hi, I'm Scott blendick. I'm with the space agency.
I'm Amy foley. I'm with a.A.
Announcer: hang on, a thin ray of hope has just opened up
for cutter in the 10th. Tell us about it, Paul.
Cutter seems to be aiming to put his stone
through this port here, and roll it inside.
But that is one hell of a tough shot.
Announcer: come on, Paul, if he makes it
he might be able to force this game into extra ends.
Hard! hard for line! Hard!
Hard! hard!
( Crowd applauding )
A stellar shot by cutter has him in position
to mount a dying moment's comeback.
Time out. Time out.
Son, that was a burned rock.
You've got to call it.
Announcer: oh boy, there looks to be--
well, something's going on down there.
Is there a problem, Eddie?
It was clean. No touch.
Clean! no touch!
- What do you want to do? - Crush them.
Got your flag all ready to wave?
Announcer: as is so often the case, it all comes down to one stone.
And you have to pity the cutter rink because
the man throwing that stone is the "juggernaut" himself.
Off!
Announcer: a triple raised take-out for the end, and the game.
- My god! - The man does know his way around a curling rock, Greg.
Yount once again proves he is the master
and totally deserving of the moniker "the juggernaut."
James: how could you do this to us, how could you do this twice?
Neil: i want to know what it feels like to win, once.
Eddie: look at us, we're a bunch of sorry losers.
Gordon: you had a chance to clean house--
instead, you dishonored the game.
Linda: Neil.
There are straws and there are camels and there are backs.
Linda, that's so cryptic.
She could be talking divorce, dad.
Linda: boys.
I'm out, guys. I'm done.
* I am so sick of consequence *
* and the look on your face *
* I am tired of playing defense *
* and I don't even have hockey skates *
* don't even have hockey skates. *
blendick: it transpired that Dr. Olsen developed...
A hypertrophic prostate.
In layman's terms, a "plumbing problem."
Protocol moved us onto an alternative, a Dr. Marx.
Marx, it turns out, received the news
of his appointment to the flight deck
rather enthusiastically.
There's an inquest pending.
And so...
Eva: good god and all his grand plans--
you mean my baby's going up in space?
( Giggling )
Sportscaster: the world championship team led by Alexander yount...
Hey, nug?
- Yeah? - give me another.
- Hey. - hey.
Thanks for taking Brandon.
He's a good kid.
It's so great about you going up on the flight deck.
I'm really proud of you.
Amy, why do you do this to yourself?
I'm an alcoholic.
Listen, the other night in the car--
we don't have to talk about that.
Well, yeah, we do. You know we do.
This isn't about me and him, or you and him.
This is about me and you.
What, like a lesbian incest kind of thing?
Do you always have to be so flip?
I have no claim on him.
Amy, you have this--
you have always had this special thing.
You know, you just click with people.
You and dad, you just clicked.
You know, so the other night in the car it wasn't--
I think I was trying to get back.
You know, go back in time.
But you can't, can you?
No.
No, you can't.
And you're the only one who can talk to cutter.
* I'll be way down a silver road... *
- hey, nug? - Yeah?
- How much for the beer? - $1.50.
- How much for the glass? - Buck and a half.
- How much for that TV? - 150.
It's all yours.
Good one.
Man: can you throw a rock like that?
Come with me.
Bring my dad.
* ...Wants to be traveled like the gravel *
* that runs from my door to yours *
* I'll be way down the silver road *
* I'll go where the moon has it lit up *
* turn off your headlights and go slowly *
* I don't want it to let up. *
I don't want this to be another father-son shitty conversation,
but after what you did today--
Christ, it's not just today, dad.
I've lived my entire life terrified I was exactly like you.
Well, you're not. I never cheated.
You know when mom was dying, all she wanted was a TV.
We can't afford one, I'm just a kid, you're off at that fucking brier.
Think I didn't live every hour of every day with that?
I'm not trying to blame you.
I'm trying to tell you she wanted a TV so she could watch you play.
For the longest time i couldn't understand that,
but now I think--
and it's not about forgiveness either,
'cause she didn't forgive you.
And you don't either.
I don't know one way or the other.
All I know is that...
( Sobs ) she loved you.
She loved you.
( Softly ) you know...
When you were a little boy
you were my best friend.
I carried you everywhere. I hugged you all the time.
All the time.
Hey.
Get back to the truck.
And when you get there,
take a good long look
at that woman who brought you.
( Engine starts )
What?
( Car backfires )
7:00 A.M. sharp at the lodge.
( Tires screeching )
( Recites ) "in the town of Sterling,
in the country of Scotland,
a man took a granite block,
cut it, rounded it
and carved a date in it--
1511.
The first known curling rock.
Since that day, curling has been a game of the people.
It has forgone trappings of commerce,
embraced all comers,
cherished the truth
that all who play the game
on any rink,
on any given day, can be victorious.
And on this given day
on our rink,
with our brooms and with Donald foley in our stones
we shall be victorious!
Hard. hard.
Hard. good.
Announcer: welcome to the second day
of the golden broom of long bay.
We have a lineup change to tell you about.
It's bound to give a thrill to the hometown fans.
Stepping in for Neil bucyk,
and rounding out the cutter foursome
is the two-time brier champion
and living curling legend,
Gordon cutter.
Sweep! sweep!
Hard on! Hard on!
Now unless I'm going blind, and that's entirely possible,
they seem to have changed their brooms, Paul.
To the left! Kick it!
Paul: looks like they brought their own rocks to the party.
Announcer: they did start this day
in a deep hole against the rest of the field--
in particular, against Alexander "the juggernaut" yount,
who continues to hold a commanding lead.
So I guess anything that gives you an edge,
well, that would be a welcome thing.
And it looks as though it may be paying off.
Yes, it may be. No, wait.
I believe that moosejaw--
yes-- cutter has just defeated moosejaw!
Keep your eye on them.
Announcer: if cutter continues the way he's going,
and if both sarnia and medicine hat lose,
then cutter may just find himself in the finals.
On sheet three, sarnia is in a pitched battle with yount.
Come on, jeez.
Sarnia has just gone down!
Announcer: while over on sheet "d,"
cutter has just defeated "come by chance."
Paul, things are heating up.
It's no stretch to say that these last few stones
are critical for the cutter rink--
so critical, this whole arena is on the edge of my seat.
Gordon: sweep! sweep!
Sweep! sweep! Sweep!
Hard on! Hard-- ( Groans )
Announcer: my god, a textbook take-out.
They just might do it.
Medic.
Medic!
Paul: there's a spot of trouble on the ice.
Gentlemen, push me back to the hack-- gently.
Announcer: and the cutter team has sustained a terrible blow.
( Groaning )
Two points away from a berth in the finals.
This could be fatal. I mean, this could be death.
Is he all right?
- No. - I'm top drawer.
Now, what I figure here is you roll around
behind the guard and force the extra end.
Yeah, or I could go for the in-off--
take the deuce, win it right here.
Well, son...
I guess if you're on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Let's do it.
Now I could be wrong, but it looks to me
like cutter is lining up for a double, which is--
what would you call that, Paul?
Insane, Greg.
Paul: it looks like he'll bring it through the port,
wick off, and end here-- which is nuts--
but if he makes it, he's in the final.
Sit. sit. Yup-- on it.
Announcer: oh my god. Oh my god!
The longest of long shots.
Now the hometown team is up against Alexander yount!
My god, what a game!
( Crowd cheering )
Paul: it's not all peaches and cream, Greg.
It looks as though they've lost a player.
Announcer: how the hell can they hope to play a final
with only three guys?
( Groaning ) ooh...
Ooh...
Ooh...!
( Flies buzzing )
What are you doing, dad?
Looking in a mirror.
The only thing wrong with second chances is not taking them.
Hey.
Look at me-- I'm worrying about a game.
I'm getting advice from an astronaut.
I am proud of you.
Thanks.
Listen, I probably have to head out
right after the game tomorrow, so...
So...
We should...
We should probably talk.
You think?
It's not exactly our strong suit.
Anyway, it's all okay.
All of it?
Yeah-- you, Amy, me-- all of it.
You win that thing tomorrow, Chris--
for my dad.
I'll be looking up for you.
Yeah, first week of June.
Right beneath Venus-- that little dot--
that'll be me.
Unless that o-ring blows, then you'll be at the bottom of the Atlantic.
Yeah, thanks. Okay.
They're waiting for you at the bar.
I'm top drawer. Just aim me.
I don't even know how you're sitting there,
but play tomorrow-- it is out of the question.
- Page 56. - Clause "c."
"In the event of an injury, a team can elect to continue as a threesome."
There.
See, you can still play. You're not out of it.
Yeah, she's right. We just gotta visualize.
Right? we just got to believe.
Chris: believe, yeah.
Who says yount is any better than us?
James: that's like talking Einstein versus Buddha.
If Einstein had been born in his day,
I think Einstein could have become the savior, man.
If he had gotten in touch with the right people.
Right, and then it's like the whole genius question--
like Beethoven and Shakespeare.
Why can some guy sit down with a pen, and why can't this guy?
Or the salieri and Mozart, that whole thing.
Why is one person better than another?
Because, because, this person...
This person was able to grab some knowledge out of the pool.
- But it's a common knowledge. - Exactly.
- Exactly, exactly. - Exactly, exactly.
Einstein is no different than Tiger Woods,
or bill shatner, or Boutros Boutros ghali.
I think we're going to win.
( "Oh, Canada" playing )
Whoo! yeah!
Announcer: the ice is cold, and these players are hot.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are curling.
Eddie: on! on!
Good. good. Good.
Announcer: strombeck opens with a beautiful stone,
and this game is underway.
Sweeping. pick it up. Lean on it.
Hard! hurry!
Keep in line. Keep in line.
Yep, yep, yep!
Announcer: that is some kind of killer granite.
You know, Paul, after four ends,
I'm getting the feeling cutter is really struggling out there.
Woman: c'mon cutter, you can do it!
Jeez, these guys are good.
- Could be the outfits. - It's the cheerleaders.
The "juggernaut" appears to be very much in the driver's seat.
Anything and everything cutter throws out,
the man from butt, Montana seems to have the answer for.
Paul: i believe that's butte.
Announcer: so you say.
If cutter doesn't find a little magic,
this game may be well out of reach.
Paul: there's a word for this, Greg,
and that word is "ugly."
- Eddie: we're euchred. - James: So what do we do?
What the hell does cutter do?
Fracture this one, bring it in here.
I'm the skip. That's the call. Get to the hack.
It's like he's staring at the great wall of China.
Which, parenthetically, is the only man-made object
you can see from space.
It's a tough shot.
No one's curled that side of the ice yet today.
We're amateurs-- I mean, look at the way we dress.
Good luck.
Really creepy.
Sweep! sweep!
Come on, on, on, on!
( Crowd moans )
Fuck! shit! Fuck! Shit!
Let's get to work, shall we?
Hard! hurry! harder.
Gordon: lambs to the slaughter.
There's nothing that they can do?
Without bucyk? No.
The team needs their lead rock.
Man: and now it is my pleasure to welcome
the new inductees to the long bay country club:
Mr. and Mrs. Neil bucyk...
Mr. and Mrs. Paul osterbary...
Mr. and Mrs. sylvain isonar...
( Echoing ) Mr. and Mrs. Ian Bart.
- Woof. - yo, gasket.
They need you.
Neil Jason bucyk--! If you stand up from this table--
you stood up. Okay.
Yeah, I stood up. Me--
"Neil Jason bucyk."
* boom de de boom boom boom boom. *
announcer: cutter has called for a time out.
And I don't mind telling you I'm feeling just a little--
oh, lordy!
I don't know what to say.
Maybe it's our approach.
Neil: maybe you're short a broom.
Hey, you're back.
Back from the dead. You got yourselves a hell of a mess.
Got any ideas?
Yeah. bury these guys.
I love it!
Announcer: Neil bucyk has returned to inject some life
into the hometown team. So ladies and gentlemen,
once again, we are curling.
Sweep it. Sweep.
Now they're cooking.
With a nuke-ular oven.
* god is in the mountains
* god is in the sun
* god works the corner
* god is working in time...
On it. On it.
* god is within
* god is on...
Off!
Announcer: and that rock has cutter lying three.
And I'll tell you, this is, this is...
This is just damned exciting.
It's your house.
Announcer: this is a real biggie, Paul,
because if yount misses, it's a brand new game.
But you got to know, the "juggernaut"
has killing on his mind.
I mean look at his eyes. They're inhuman.
Yount: off. off.
Announcer: oh my god, he's missed.
The "juggernaut" has missed.
They stole two.
Yeah!
Yeah.
All right, we can do this, guys.
This is curling as intense as these eyes have ever seen.
Get your seatbelts on, and grab your neighbor's thigh, ladies and gentlemen,
because these next two ends are going to snowball
across the county until it catches fire.
Hard! hard!
Hard! hurry! Harder!
Sweep!
Announcer: once again it comes down to a final couple of stones.
Cutter is down by two, and if yount lands this one--
well, I think that will spell the end of the cutter dream.
Off. off.
Go back! Go back!
Announcer: Alexander yount. This man is a killer.
The cutter rink has called a time out,
and I tell you, from where we sit, cutter doesn't have a shot.
Paul: you said it, Greg. This house is blocked
- like a basement toilet. - Wish that guy would shut up.
Me too, but he's right. We're cooked.
Come on, there's got to be a shot.
There is a shot. Around the clock,
four stone take-out, spin back up sheet,
tie the game, force an extra end.
How stoned are you?
- I saw the shot done. - When?
'73. the swedes. World championship.
- If a Swede can do it, you can do it. - You can do this, man.
Get on your brooms.
- Yeah! - yeah.
Announcer: looks like they've agreed on something,
but what that might be, frankly, eludes this commentator.
What's Lennox doing way out there in the weeds?
Paul: it seems like cutter's going to attempt to bring
his stone around like this.
Announcer: which is impossible, and ridiculous,
and completely...
Impossible.
That's it. That's it.
Hit the line. Harder.
Hurry, hard!
Hurry it hard! Sweep!
hurry hard!
Sweep!
Announcer: holy jumping jehoshaphat, cutter has done it!
He has done it! I knew he had it in him.
He has gone mano-a-mano with the "juggernaut" and has tied the game.
This is-- what do you call that, Paul?
Jesus!
Yeah! yeah!
- Don't tell me. - It was a touched rock.
- What? - it was a touched rock.
Who?
What's wrong?
I burned the rock.
This is no time for sportsmanship. The town needs this.
It was a touched rock, Jerry.
We have to call it.
( Crowd yelling )
Oh, darn it. I have to pee.
Oh, dear. It looks like a burned rock.
Well, in the name of the "little baby Jesus who died on the cross"
not even a slo-mo replay would pick up that... That foul.
That was a touched rock.
Reset. let him shoot it again.
Reset. go again.
Why are you giving him a break?
Do you want to win that way?
Announcer: that shot was impossible once.
So to do it again, mathematically,
it's got to be twice as impossible.
Hi.
- Everybody's looking at us. - Yeah, I know.
And I think we should finish that conversation we started in your truck.
We didn't say anything.
Come on. Look in my eyes and tell me that.
You're going to go for it, aren't you?
Yeah.
- What's he doing? - He's making poetry, baby.
Are we changing the shot?
It's like the man said,
"the purity of the heart is to will one thing."
I can't believe this. I got to go. Excuse me.
Announcer: that's one rock.
The shard of granite, that's two points.
Plus the ashes of a dead man--
( tapping )
Oh, my-- hey, what?
They won! They won!
I knew they could do it. They won!
They won the prestigious golden goddamned broom.
They won! They won!
That's my Donald, right there.
Right there on the button.
Oh my god--!
Eddie!
I've played on a lot of ice
all over this planet we call home,
and I don't believe I've ever seen a better shot.
It's been a pleasure.
"On this planet we call home"?
Hey, whatever.
Hey!
- We did it. - Yeah.
No-- i mean, look.
Oh my god.
You're pregnant.
- Dad! - dad!
You did it.
And you cleaned house, too.
Stuckmore: James Lennox!
Whoo-oo!
I said...
James Lennox.
Oh, shit.
Okay, man, listen. Before all the violence starts,
I just want to say that whole thing with the boat,
that was his idea.
Silence!
I can trace my lineage
back through 12 generations of curling men,
and even if yount is gracious in defeat,
his shiny suits and lumpen cheerleaders
represent all that is corrupt in god's greatest game.
Man in crowd: Hear, hear.
I thank you, James Lennox.
Your debt is erased, James Lennox.
Oof--!
- Nug? - yes sir.
Pour a drink for my friend, Donald foley here.
And a round of "rigor mortis" for everybody!
I don't know that drink.
Pour that whole shelf into a bucket.
Are you ready, Eddie?
I got something to show you in the back room.
We don't have to do this anymore, you know?
- We've already done it. - I know.
- But I'm kind of addicted. - Okay.
Seriously? I wanted to own a nursery and be a gardener, that's all.
You're kidding? 'Cause I love plants
and you know, making things grow.
Good god in his high chair. I thank you, Christopher.
And I know Donald thanks you, too.
Although I don't know why I say that.
I don't know if dead men are gracious.
Mrs. foley, would you mind
doing a slow one with me?
- Do you think we should-- - dance?
No. how about we--
- go? - yeah.
You can leave Brandon with me, dear.
Are you ever going to kiss me or do I have to do everything myself?
I sort of like a woman with initiative.
I sort of like a man who knows what he wants.
Fuck, you got the wrong guy.
* if you ask me how we'll tumble *
* I'll fall down on my knees *
* I will meet you at the altar, baby *
* kiss you
* kiss you till you weep
( beavers honking )
* kiss you till you weep
* how may times have your friends let you down? *
* just open up your heart
* just open up your mind
* and how many times has your face slipped away? *
* well, is anybody safe?
* does anybody pray?
* life is waiting for you *
* it's all messed up but we're alive *
* life is waiting for you... *
cut. oh, fuck.
- One, two, forward. One, two, back. - Do it again.
One, two, forward. One, two, back.
( Cackles )
That was great.
He hit the camera!
What I think they add up to is just what the coach--
okay, cut.
This one's frothing at the mouth over here. Holy shit.
Watch her-- she's vicious.
* ...Have they ever seen your heart? *
* have they ever seen...
Paul: cut. no tape roll.
Come on, damn it. Love me.
* ...Is waiting for you
* it's all messed up but we're alive *
* life is waiting for you... *
ow, that stings.
7:00 A.M. sharp at the lodge.
He's coming back.
Stop.
( Cheering )
( Laughing )
Unless that o-ring goes, then you'll be
at the bottom of the Atlantic.
- Yeah, thanks. - Anytime.
I tampered with the o-ring.
- Donald-- - you just aim me.
Molly, his name is Gordon.
Gordon, look, i don't know what--
you don't seem to know what time zone you're in.
Lily-- ( panting )
( Crew laughing )
( Laughing )
Help, for god's sake, throw me a preserver.
- What kind? - Strawberry, please.
Ow! Jesus.
You broke my cranium with that medicine fucking ball.
I don't know if i can take much more of this.
Cut!
* have you ever really been alone? *
* ever really fallen far from grace? *
* do you know you at all?
* do you recognize this silent face? *
* I know you
* everyone knows how to bleed *
* you know me and things we all need *
* watching over you
* they're watching over me *
* watching over you
* watching over me
* building our trenches.