[Thunder]
[Thunderclap]
[Snaps fingers]
[Door buzzer]
I knew you would come.
He's been calling for you, Angelo.
I came as soon as I could, aunt Rose. How is he?
You came just in time.
It's all in God's hands now.
Eduardo, Angelo is here.
Papa, it's Angelo.
My son.
Papa, is there anything I can do for you?
Come closer.
Closer.
You bum!
Mascalzone!
Papa, what have I done?
Gangster! You rob, you steal, you shoot people!
You bring shame in the family. Shame!
I'm sorry, papa. What can I do to make peace with you?
Oh, now you wanna make peace with your papa.
You wanna me die happy, hmm?
Of course I do, papa.
So now you wanna me die!
Papa, no!
Angelo, Angelo!
Make me one promise.
You name it, anything! It's done!
Swear, in front of your family...
In front of papa Clemente, in front of gesu cristo,
in front of the Madonna. What?
Swear you'll become an honest man.
Give up this shameful life.
Well, papa...
Papa, vieni qui.
Yes, yes, I'm here, Eduardo.
Vieni qui! [Coughs]
Promise... [Coughs]
All right, papa. If that's what you want,
I'll go straight.
I promise.
Now...
I'm ready.
That's so you won't forget!
¶ [Italian opera: "Largo Al factotum" from "the barber of Seville."]
¶
bravo! [Applause]
[Clock chimes]
¶ [Loud radio]
Read 'em and weep.
Full house.
Jesus, I thought you was bluffin'.
Lower that! You'll wake the boss!
¶ [Quiet radio]
All right, you mugs, casino's closed.
Ace, get started on those melon balls!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shake a leg!
Today's the boss's big day, remember?
Yeah! The day snaps Provolone goes straight.
The whole thing ain't kosher.
Whoever heard of a banker named "snaps"?
Buyin' into a bank?
That's not snaps. It's gotta be a dodge.
It's no dodge.
Those bankers'll be here to cinch the deal at noon!
Oh, geez, I gotta check my muffins!
You sure this info's the McCoy, five spot?
Oh, it's -- it's the McCoy, Mr. Vendetti.
And it's big.
And it's gonna happen t-t-t-today.
I knew it. He's hookin' up with o'banion's mob.
Hold still, honey!
O'banion -- th-that's gotta be it!
I'm pretty sure I heard that name, o'b-b-banion.
What does this stoolie know?
Look, I'm a paid informant!
Th-th-that's an honorable profession.
Uh, can I have my five spot now, Mr. Vendetti?
Give him a twenty.
It's a retainer. Let me know if you hear anything.
[Mumbling]
Th-th-thank you, Mr. Vendetti.
I told you things were too quiet.
- Provolone was just layin' low. - What're we gonna do?
We're gonna observe the eleventh commandment:
Do unto others before they do unto you.
I finished your nails.
Is there anything else I can do, huh?
We'd have more excitement stakin' out grant's tomb.
Thank God this detail ends today.
Ooh, Toomey's sore as hell.
He's been achin' to get somethin' on snaps for years.
So he's sore. What's he want from us?
The guy hasn't so much as spit on the sidewalk in three weeks.
[Phone ring]
Toomey. Toomey.
I got it last time.
[Phone ring]
Hiya, Toomey.
I suppose you're gonna tell me...
That you got nothin' again on our boy across the street?
So sue me, Toomey.
Well, look alive over there!
I hear he may be tyin' up with the o'banion mob from Chicago.
Why don't ya give up the ghost? Maybe the egg's gone straight.
Look, I know this guy.
And I'm tellin' ya, a leopard don't change his stripes.
- You mean spots. - I mean snaps!
Now as soon as somethin' happens down there,
I don't care what, you call me. Get it?
Got it!
Say, take a gander!
[Doorbell] I'm comin', I'm comin'!
Well, well, well, if it isn't little Anthony.
And his imperial.
I've gotta see Mr. Provolone. What? Hey!
Shut that thing off!
I said I gotta see Mr. Provolone right away.
I don't remember seein' you in my appointment book, Anthony.
Nope. I got the Finucci brothers at 9:30...
Dr. Poole at 10:30...
Father Clemente at 11:00, and the bankers at noon.
But I don't see no meetin' with his accountant.
Aldo, don't screw around with me. This is urgent.
The boss don't get up before 9 A.M. even the feds know that. I'll take the heat.
You'll take the heat? I'm the one what's gotta wake him.
Tell him it's a matter of life and death.
Okay, okay. But he ain't gonna like this.
Wait in the living room.
How do you like the crust on that mug?
Throws off my whole itinerary.
Where do you think you're goin'?
I gotta wake him. He doesn't want to be disrupted.
He needs his beauty sleep for those bankers.
It's urgent. Keep me covered.
This better be good.
I warned him, boss. Anthony told me it was life and death, boss.
You mugs stop callin' me boss. It ain't respectable.
Sorry, boss. Sorry, boss.
Little Anthony! Probation end, or wall street lay another egg?
Can I talk to you alone, Mr. Provolone?
We are alone.
Aldo, breakfast. Half a grapefruit?
Sectioned, nix the cherry in the middle.
French toast, bacon? Light brown, trim the fat.
Coffee, two lumps? No cream, go!
On its way, snaps! It's Mr. Provolone.
Call me that in front of the bank, you'll gum up the works!
Yes, Mr. Provolone. And I'll eat in the yard, I mean... atrium.
Yes, Mr. Provolone. Whatever you say, Mr. Provolone.
You know what atrium means, Anthony?
No, sir.
It's a courtyard often surrounded by columns.
Thank you, sir. I didn't know that, sir.
Park it, Anthony.
I learn a new word every day.
You should expand your vocabulary, Anthony,
and you wouldn't just be a bookkeeper. Accountant, sir.
My word for today is...
Expeditious: To be efficient and speedy.
All right, Anthony, let's be expeditious.
What's so important you got me up at 8:00?
Well, Mr. Provolone, with all due respect,
I've come to ask you for a raise.
[Chuckling]
Maybe my hearing ain't 20/20 no more.
- What did he just ask me? - He asked for a raise.
That's what I thought. Are you crazy?
When you hear why --
do you believe this guy's moxie? He's got "hutzpah," boss.
Don't call me boss. Sorry, boss.
This wasn't the best day.
You're telling me? If everything goes well today...
- Knock on wood. - I'll be a board of director.
I know that, and I wouldn't bother you,
but love makes us do strange things.
What's love got to do with the price of beer?
Breakfast is "soived."
"Served"... You palooka!
I'm signing you up for elocution lessons with Dr. Poole.
If I gotta do it, you gotta do it.
All of a sudden, he's the Duke of Ellington.
You got a meetin' with the Finucci brothers at 9:30.
Yeah, yeah. Come on, kid. I want to sit on my atrium.
Not bad for a kid from the slums!
My wife picks all this out. She's got an eye!
So, who's the dame that's got me up at 8:43?
Excuse me, sir?
You said you were in love. I assume it's a dame.
She's a wonderful girl from a fine, wealthy family,
and I'm gonna propose to her this morning.
Ain't love grand?
You got my blessings.
Congratulations to you and your new bride.
But I can't marry her,
unless I can give her the kind of life her parents did.
Dump her! She sounds like a gold digger!
No sir. She's just the opposite.
Very kind and sweet. Down-to-earth.
Well, I can see this dame's got you...
Wrapped around her little finger.
Okay, how much you making?
- $400 a month. - How much you wanna make?
$1400 a month.
You can take a few minutes to think it over.
I have thought it over.
Get the hell off my atrium.
If big Anthony were alive to hear this --
on the grave of my father, I never wanted to upset you.
But you have no idea how tough it is...
For two young people starting out these days.
As I was saying to Mr. lipinsky --
lipinsky?
Yes, Mr. myron lipinsky.
The gangster? How can you associate with such a low-life?
He's looking for an accountant. His last one died in his sleep.
You don't think he'd shoot him while he's awake?
- Cheap hood. - He's not that cheap, sir.
Lipinsky is willing to pay me $1400 a month.
That weasel.
He'd love to get his meat hooks into one of my boys.
All right. I'll pay... $1200.
Mr. Provolone, I am touched by your faith in me.
I should have this mug in collections.
He's not an accountant. He's a shakedown artist.
Now, I can count on this $1200 a month?
You got it.
Go propose.
Mr. Provolone. It is my honor...
To ask for your daughter's hand in matrimony.
Pardon me?
Yes! Your daughter is the one I love.
My daughter!
- How do you know my daughter? - We met at club 33.
- In a speakeasy! - It's very respectable.
Couldn't even pick one that bought my beer. Get ahold of yourself.
Let me take care of him.
Are you still packing?
Fork it over.
Fork.
We're not in that business anymore.
At noon we become bankers.
Can I get up now, Mr. Provolone?
- Sorry I lost my temper. - No problem.
With the greatest humility I ask to marry your daughter.
On a lousy $1200 a month. She deserves better.
Yes, she deserves a husband who makes $1400.
She'll get one, and it won't be you.
- Connie, bring me a briosci. - That's Aldo's job.
Then get Aldo to do it. Yes, boss.
Don't call me boss. Sorry, boss.
And as for you,
you think I'm going to let you marry my daughter for her money.
Mr. Provolone...
I don't love your daughter for her money. I can prove it.
- Yeah. How? - I plan to give her my fortune.
How much can a goomba like you have?
$48,642.30.
How did you save fifty grand on $400 a month?
- I stole it from you. - You what?
You walk into my house and tell me you stole 50 g's.
This gink! You want I should bump him.
Give me that gat, Aldo.
You know what I told you.
You're a Butler now, buttle.
That piece has been in the family for years. Quit squawkin'.
I'm waiting for an explanation.
-I'll start from the beginning. -Start where you stole my money.
When I took over as your accountant, your books were a mess.
Don't sound like they're in no great shape now. Damn, double negative.
Your overhead was high. Net profits were low. I changed all that.
I sent you a fruit basket for Christmas, didn't I?
I took the profits from your protection rackets...
And used them to upgrade your bootlegging operation.
That allowed me to cut the cost on your beer a dime a bottle.
- Fattened me up for the kill. - Then a strange thing happened.
I made a clerical error.
Is that the one that cost me $50,000?
- Don't get ahead of the story? - Excuse me.
It was a simple mistake in addition.
I accidentally lowered costs by a nickel, instead of a dime.
When I realized my mistake I went to speak to you.
- I don't remember that. - You were in Chicago.
It was St. Valentine's day.
Zip it.
I remember it was St. Valentine's day because...
That's the day I met your daughter.
In Vendetti's speakeasy. I'll kill her.
It was love at first sight.
That's when I turned that five-cent error...
Into the key to my happiness.
I hid it on the books and beefed up petty cash.
I knew a big man like Angelo Provolone...
Wouldn't begrudge his future son-in-law a nickel,
which I plan to give to your daughter anyway?
This guy is beautiful. He flatters you to your face...
While he sticks a knife in your back.
I'm not proud of what I've done.
But I'd do it again to capture your daughter's heart.
-You really love her that much? -Oh yes, sir.
Does she know about this stuff?
- No sir. - Does she love you?
Oh yes, I'm sure of that. She's even given me proof.
Proof? What proof?
- Aldo. - What are you calling him for?
- You'll need more bicarbonate. - Why?
Now keep in mind, Mr. Provolone, this is 1931.
-We're all sophisticated adults. -This doesn't bode well.
Your daughter and I are lovers.
What?
- Pop this guy. - Wait, boss.
We can't have a stiff in the house with company coming.
He's right. It ain't proper.
The last thing I wanted to do was upset you.
Why should I be upset? You wake me up in the morning,
you tell me you're stealing my money...
And sleeping with my daughter.
You guys see anything to be upset about?
You're lucky you didn't upset me today.
If you didn't upset me like this yesterday...
You'd be wearing a cement kimono.
- You don't have to answer me. - Good!
Because I want to talk to my sweet little girl first.
Anthony!
You two have a pleasant father-daughter chat,
I'll talk a walk around the block.
You can give me your answer when I get back, dad.
Don't you call me "dad."
- Say, boss. - And don't you call me boss.
Sorry, boss.
Let me show you the door. There's the door!
He's leaving the house.
Make a note.
Can I speak to you a minute, Mr. Provolone?
No.
¶ ["Sweet Georgia brown"]
Lisa!
I'm waiting!
Lisa!
So now you're locking your door.
A girl needs her privacy, daddy. I'm a grown woman now.
- So I heard. - What's that supposed to mean?
Don't be coy with me. I know all about your boyfriend,
or should I say "lover."
- You know? - Yes!
And you've brought nothing but shame to this family.
- Indecente! - You have to realize...
I'm not a little girl anymore. Look!
Put that away! I'm your father!
How'd you find out about us anyway?
The mug was here asking for your hand in marriage.
What are you crying for?
Because I'm so happy. I thought he left for good.
You should be so lucky.
Don't say that about the man I'm gonna marry!
You're not gonna marry that monkey!
You're gonna marry the man I picked, Bruce Underwood III.
I don't want to marry Bruce Underwood.
He's a snob and he's got pimples.
A couple of dates with you and that'll clear up.
Go ahead, insult me!
Your mother and I send you to the finest catholic schools,
and look at you...
A disgrace!
You look like you stepped off the runway at minsky's.
I'm a modern 30's woman.
It's the music you kids listen to!
Bing Crosby, cab Calloway.
I've heard the lyrics to "minnie the moocher!"
I'm so stifled in this house.
I wanna swim the English channel.
I wanna go shopping in Paris.
I wanna lay on the beach in Honolulu.
Do whatever you want, just don't leave this room.
The Finuccis is here.
Watch this door. She's not goin' nowhere.
Finuccis!
Bon giorno, signor Provolone.
- Is that my suit? - It's not just a suit.
- It's a Finucci! - Took you long enough.
You want it fast or good? We no rush.
You don't rush Michelangelo or Leonardo --
you no rush a Finucci. That's my speech.
Who say? E mio discorso.
Non e tuo discorso. Mio discorso.
No, you know what -- never mind. Listen --
enough!
Move it into the library.
Steps. Uno, due --
look at all the books.
I never see so many.
Yeah, readin's my passion.
Signor Provolone, this is our last house call...
Because now we famous.
- Famous? - Oh, sure.
One of our suits make a big spread in the herald tribune.
Show him the page. Si.
Nice piece of work. Suit looks good, too.
Grazie, grazie.
His widow, she want a new suit to bury him.
I say, "when he pay for the first, he get another."
[Sighs] Nice color, huh?
Feel this. This nice.
Like a baby's behind.
Umm. Well, let's see if it fits.
I got 'til noon to look like a banker.
We make you look like a banker. Take off your pants.
Four million unemployed. It's enough to break your heart.
Yes, we could be forced to lower our interest rates again.
Damn shame.
One can't even walk from the office to the club...
Without being pestered by some homeless beggar.
Excuse me, I meant "forgotten man."
Drastic times call for drastic measures.
Which brings me to our present meeting.
Please, my stomach. I wish you'd be a little more receptive.
Are we in such dire straights that we want the name...
Angelo "snaps" Provolone on our letterhead?
His name won't be on our letterhead,
but his money will be in our vaults.
But bringing a gangster on the board?
Ex-gangster.
Or as I prefer to think, a "robber baron."
Like j. P. Morgan or John d. Rockefeller.
At least they didn't have a middle name in quotes.
Let me handle Mr. Provolone.
I may have to take this greaseball's money,
but I don't have to like it.
Oh, Nora. [Sobbing]
I have so many dreams.
I wanna ride on a zeppelin,
attend a Rudy vallee show,
go to an opium den in Chinatown.
You'll be doin' all those things.
You'll see. No, my life is over.
Marrying my boyfriend was my last chance...
To get out of this prison. As prisons go,
it's not so bad.
You know, I went to this play once,
to a play? What did you wear?
Never mind. There was a scene where a girl...
Made her parents think she was pregnant,
and they were forced to let her marry her boyfriend.
If I told daddy I was pregnant, he'd kill me.
Either way, you'll get out of this house.
I give you a nice banker tie to go with the banker suit.
Pick one.
Too loud, too quiet, too striped, too plaid...
Bingo!
Mr. Provolone.
What is it? I'm in the middle of a fittin'.
-Your daughter wants to see you. -Again?
She says it's a matter of life and death.
Now what do you want?
Daddy, dear, there's something I've got to tell you.
It's gonna give you a shock.
Daddy,
I've decided to go away to a convent.
Now you want to be a nun! Well, you're a little late.
No, daddy. Convents are also where...
Unwed mothers go to have their babies.
What!
You all right, boss?
I thought I took this rod away from you?
It's my spare... For emergencies.
Give it to me.
Everything.
Is that it?
This is like disarming Germany.
Now, get out of here!
I should use this on myself after what you've done...
To me and your mother.
The shame of it! I'm sorry.
I'll start packing and go to the convent.
You're not going to any convent!
You're gonna marry this bum as soon a I get my hands on him.
Oh, daddy, you changed your mind.
What choice have I got, you tramp.
After the wedding, you'll move into a ground floor apartment.
Why a ground floor apartment?
'Cause after I break his legs, he's not gonna make it up steps.
- Interesting. - There's a dame at the door.
Can't you see I'm busy. Brush her off.
- I can't. - Why not?
- The dame says -- - I know,
it's a matter of life and death.
Basta, Finuccis.
What can I do for you miss...?
- Theresa. - Theresa.
Can we speak privately?
Sure. Come up to my office.
If dempsey got the workout I'm gettin',
he wouldn't have lost his last fight.
Mr. Provolone, I've done a stupid thing.
- What's that? - I've fallen in love...
With a man named Anthony Rossano.
You're right, that's a stupid thing. He's spoken for.
- By who? - By me.
- What do you mean? - Anthony just asked...
To marry my daughter.
- He was here already? - Yes.
You're young, don't worry. You're attractive.
The bread lines are full of eligible men.
- If you'll excuse me. - You don't understand.
I lied to Anthony.
I told him that I was your daughter.
- You did what? - He thinks you're my father.
When he asked for permission to marry, it was me he wanted.
That means he never met my daughter. That's wonderful!
Wait... that's terrible. If he never met her, then who's the father?
Of all the guys in the world, why did you pick me?
I wanted Anthony to think I came from a wealthy family.
After all, he makes $1400 a month.
It's $1200 a month.
I had just seen your picture in the news, so I told him...
- I was Theresa Provolone. - That makes sense.
I didn't find out until later that you were a gangst--
I mean, that you were who you were.
Why didn't you tell him the truth?
He liked the idea that I was your daughter.
I just found out that he worked for you.
It's more like he works for himself.
I don't want Anthony to find out the truth from anyone else.
If he does, I'm out 50,000 clams!
Think! All right, I got it!
I won't tell him you're not my daughter,
but you gotta do something for me.
- Anything, Mr. Provolone. - Don't leave this room...
Until I settle a matter with Mr. Rossano.
I'll wait right here, I promise.
Connie!
Keep your eye on my office and make sure my daughter don't go nowhere.
How'd she get in there? I've been watching this door.
Not Lisa, Theresa!
You got two daughters?
In the third, I want $40 across the board on hi-hi.
That's right, $40 worth of parsley.
We're running low on garnish.
- That kid, Anthony? - He left.
I know. Get him back here. He said he was takin' a walk.
I can't. I'm smokin' a salmon.
Put it out, get Anthony, and stash him somewhere.
But not in my office.
One day of being honest and you're falling apart.
Forget about the promise to your old man.
A promise is a promise.
Mr. Provolone,
can I speak to ya now?
Not now!
Finuccis!
Angelo!
As you were.
Angelo!
Sofia, honey.
You're the first person I've wanted to see today.
Bella.
This is the last time!
Absolutely the last time I drive with that crazy chauffeur.
Johnny elbows? He dropped me off at mass,
and stayed out front with the motor running.
Force of habit. You had to fire Oscar!
He was a real chauffeur. Forget about Oscar.
We've got more important things to talk about. What's the matter?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
My baby!
My little baby. [Sobbing]
Your father just told me.
Mama, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
It's his fault!
My fault?
Yes, you suffocated her. You kept me prisoner...
Like rapunzel!
You ain't snow white.
Look at the example you've set,
filling the house with thugs, goons, and hit men.
Sometimes I had to bring my work home.
Who did this thing to you? Tell mama.
Daddy knows. He met with him this morning.
Well, who is it?
Better you hear it from your daughter's lips.
It's Oscar.
The chauffeur!
Why you actin' so surprised? You knew.
Of course I knew. I just had no idea.
[Door bell] Be right back.
There you are.
I found him.
We gotta talk.
Angelo, we've gotta talk. I didn't know you were busy.
You must be Mrs. Provolone. What an honor.
Sofia, little Anthony, my accountant. And future son-in-law.
I've asked permission to marry your daughter.
Lisa?
Not Lisa, the other one.
- What other one? - You know, the other one.
The other one that's not Lisa.
- Check on the girls, dear. - An--
I didn't know you had two daughters.
This house is full of surprises.
I don't know if you noticed,
but my wife was cool to you.
I did notice. Is there anything wrong?
She thinks you're a fortune hunter.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
How can I convince your wife of my good intentions?
Easy. You know the 50 "g's" you chiseled from me?
And plan to give to your daughter after we're married.
Give it to her before you marry her.
Write out a check.
My wife will know you're not marrying Lisa just for money.
- Theresa! - I always get them mixed up.
Sit down.
- There's a little problem. - No ink?
I didn't want to put the money in a bank.
You know what kind of shape they're in!
I converted it to precious stones... diamonds, emeralds!
That's the perfect wedding gift. Women love jewels.
I'll get it now.
If you want, I can have one of my boys escort you.
After all, that's a lot of ice. Don't bother.
I'll be right back, dad. I'll be waitin', son.
You miserable little punk!
Aldo, where's that chauffeur?
- Johnny's out waxin' the caddy. - Not that lug, Oscar!
You fired him!
I know. Where's he live?
- How should I know where? - I know where he lives.
- Where? - South side.
Take a ride out there and grab him.
- He don't live there no more. - Where's he live now?
He joined the army for a six-year hitch and they shipped him abroad.
Seems he was in love with some skirt... never told us who.
They broke up 'cause her father was a real pain in the ass.
- Oh, is that so? - As much as he loved her,
he couldn't bear having this creep as a father-in-law.
Don't you ever shut up?
What'd I say?
I've got to talk to you.
Later!
I'm leaving you to go to the underwoods.
Underwoods! You're going to work for Bruce?
I'm marrying Bruce.
Marrying Bruce? I found him first!
I mean, for my daughter. We met the day he called on Lisa.
Oh, it was love at first sight.
Congratulations. You're fired!
You can't fire me.
I quit!
Try gettin' a reference out of me, sister.
The maid gets a millionaire, my daughter gets a chauffeur.
Better tell Toomey to hightail it over here.
You got it too tight. Eh, I make it more loose.
Shut up you face, Mussolini!
Come on, I'm runnin' out of time.
Angelo?
Can I talk to you alone?
Never mind them. They only hear in Italian.
I just came from Lisa's bedroom.
You, and everybody else.
Our daughter is disgraced before the eyes of God.
You have to find Oscar!
Oscar's been scratched. He jumped the country.
But the baby needs a father!
The baby's got a father. What we need is a husband.
A husband! Where will we find a husband?
No look at us. We already married.
Si, real good. I got 10 bambinos. He got 8.
You no got 10. I got 10.
I got Anna Maria, Salvatore, fabrizio, antonia, Mario,
big Luigi, little Luigi, Luigi Jr.,
giuseppe, and figaro. Figaro's no yours.
Figaro come from the milkman. He make a joke!
Did I ask for the Finucci roll call?
- Scusi. - You're "escused."
[Mumbling]
What about that boy was here before?
Didn't he want to marry our daughter? Yeah, but not Lisa;
the other one. What other one?
The one that's not Lisa.
We don't have a daughter that's not Lisa!
You think I don't know that?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
But if you love me... If you ever loved me...
You'll find my little girl a husband.
[Sigh]
[Keough] He's back again for the third time.
Now he's got a little black bag.
Break out the java and sinkers, boys.
I think I'll stick around.
[Indistinct chatter]
Here he is, back by popular request.
Finuccis, out!
So, Mr. Provolone,
do I have permission to marry your daughter now?
My son! Mr. Provolone!
You've made me so happy. Where you goin'?
To tell Theresa the wonderful news!
Not so fast. I've got wonderful news for you.
What could be more wonderful than marrying your daughter?
Havin' her baby?
Theresa's pregnant? Theresa's pregnant!
- Who's Theresa? - My daughter, you sap!
I've gotta see her.
Life... life's a funny thing.
You're here one minute,
- gone the next. - Ain't that the truth.
Take Louie "the lug" mcgurk... Died tragically at 25.
I'm 25. What happened?
Somebody stepped on his fingers. That killed him?
He was hanging from a window ledge at the time.
"The lug" didn't plan ahead and the government got everything.
- Poor guy. - Poor widow, Mrs. "the lug."
Now she's selling apples. Makes you think.
Sure does.
If something happened to you, where would that leave my daughter?
First thing tomorrow, I'll get a lawyer and put it in writing.
Son, we're family now.
We don't need any lawyers.
Here, just write what I say.
I, Anthony Rossano --
wait a minute.
- I just thought of something. - You oughta be writing.
If something was to happen,
how do I know you'll give these to your daughter?
Fair enough. I'll sign, too.
You sign first; Then, I'll sign mine.
- I don't know. - What's the matter now?
Maybe we should sign them... together.
- Aldo, you be a witness. - Snaps, you know the rule.
Never witness nothing. You live longer.
Just do it.
On three. 1-2-3.
I, Anthony Rossano,
I, "snaps" Provolone,
hereby declare...
Agree to give $50,000...
I am the father...
To my daughter upon her marriage...
Of miss Provolone's child.
To Anthony ro-ssan-o.
- There. - Sign it.
You sign, too.
Aldo, you're the witness. Witness!
"The lug" was a witness. Look what it got him.
Quit squawkin'!
- Now give me yours. - You give me yours.
All right, we'll do it together.
Good... very good! Now for the fun part.
I believe you two know each other?
Never mind about her now.
Go back to watching my other daughter.
Finuccis!
I have something to tell you. I know what it is.
You do? Sit down, sweetheart.
You shouldn't be standing in your condition. What?
You're having a baby. Your father told me.
I'm not having a baby and he's not my father.
What?
Mr. Provolone, he's not my father.
Does he know he's not your father?
Of course.
What kind of question is that?
He knows you're not his daughter? Yes.
I lied to you. I'm sorry.
- That son-of-a-bitch. - What's wrong?
- He conned me out of his money. - I did it because I love you.
- I've gotta get it back. - Get what back?
The money!
You seem more interested in this money than in me.
I've just gotta think.
I'm glad I found out what you're like before it was too late!
[Mumbling]
[Door slams]
Theresa, come back.
Theresa?
Thank God I'm not pregnant!
What have you been doing up there?
Get out of my way.
Why, I oughta --
get outta here.
Theresa!
Theresa, come back.
There's too much activity. Snaps is up to something.
It's too quiet! Provolone is up to something.
Bravo. This suit, she a work of art.
Of course. She's a Finucci!
You Finucci'd me good on this one!
150 bucks! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'll just write you boys out a check.
I demand to speak with you, Mr. Provolone.
Finuccis, out!
[Muttering]
What can I do for you, kid?
I guess you're pleased with yourself.
My father would have been proud. I got my money back...
And nobody got shot.
I've been tricked.
I wouldn't do that.
You forget. You're going straight today.
You're right.
But they're not.
Ecco!
Who are they? You don't recognize the Finuccis?
Sicilians... the most vicious contract killers in the country.
They don't look that vicious to me.
Scopa? Si. It's Scopa.
No, Scopa. It's Scopa.
It's cavalo. See, Scopa.
Don't let that fool you. One word from me,
and it's --
hmm? But if it's the jewels you want, you can have them.
Just keep your bargain and marry my daughter.
The real one? Of course, Lisa Provolone.
I've never even met her!
Not according to this. It'll hold up in any court.
Give me that!
This says that you are the father of the baby.
Now you're telling me that your real daughter is pregnant?
- Got a problem with that? - I am not marrying Lisa.
I am marrying Theresa.
Anthony, Anthony, little Anthony.
We're talkin' about my baby's baby.
Forget it!
Fine! Finuccis!
All right, call off your dogs.
Finuccis, sit!
Wise decision. I'll get your fiancee.
It's about time you met.
¶
¶ [blues]
¶
what do you want?
Scusi.
Tell signor Provolone we in a hurry.
We gotta do another guy at 11:00.
- You do more than one a day? - Sometimes we do 6, 8 a day.
It's a cutthroat business.
And if we get backed up, we gotta work weekends.
We no like that. No, we family men.
You treat it like it's a normal business.
Tsk, tsk. To us it's a art.
Show him the picture.
What do you think of this?
You guys did this?
Who else? That's a Finucci.
We get plenty business from this picture. Maybe someday we do you, huh?
When we get through with you, nobody gonna recognize you.
Che cosa fai? You look a little pale.
You okay?
This guy's willing to marry you, so be nice!
I want Oscar! I want him too, but he's on the lam...
And Anthony's taking the rap for him.
Thank you very much!
Whatever happened to love, romance?
Whatever happened to waiting until the wedding night? Angelo, please!
Not in front of the help! Trust me, he's no help.
Connie, go wrap your teeth around some lunch.
Girls.
Lisa, this is your husband-to-be Anthony Rossano.
Lisa! Hello.
Hello, Lisa.
You see that, you're hittin' it off already.
Sometimes arranged marriages work out the best.
- Oscar was cuter. - Who's Oscar?
The chauffeur.
She's having the chauffeur's baby?
Why don't you phone it in to Walter winchell?
Angelo, let's leave the two lovebirds alone. Good idea.
You two get to know all about each other,
but make it quick. I got people comin' at noon.
That's the best husband you could find?
He passed the physical, he's breathing.
Finuccis!
So, you're pregnant with Oscar's baby.
Would I be marrying you if I wasn't?
You don't wanna marry me. I'm in love with someone else.
So am I.
Then why are we going through with this?
Because I'd do anything to get out of this house.
- That makes two of us. - I wanna...
I wanna to go on an African safari.
I wanna to run with the bulls in Spain.
I wanna go to the top of the empire state building.
Where am I during all this? Baby-sitting Oscar's kid?
You always this nasty?
- Yes, get used to it! - Oh, I'm marrying a brute!
I never want to see your face again... until the wedding!
That's fine with me! And separate honeymoons!
- Fine! - See you in church!
Hmph!
[Doorbell]
It's probably judge crater. Oh, hi, Dr. Poole.
Come on in. The boss been expecting you.
Aldo, do you realize what you just did? What?
You used the past participle without a modifier.
I did? What's the rap on that?
Cool your heels. He'll be right with you.
Marvelous.
Aldo's a treasure trove of linguistic anomalies!
I heard that.
- Middlesex. - What?
You're from middlesex county in New Jersey, right?
- Yeah, new brunswick. - I knew it!
The New Jersey accent becomes increasingly nasal the further South one goes.
That's an amazing talent, doctor.
Ever thought of working carnivals?
Young man, I've made a serious study of the English language.
In my travels, I've uncovered 2,700 sub-dialects...
In the United States alone.
Take the attenuated vowels of the east texans --
all that travel must cut into your home life.
Well... I don't spend...
As much time with mother as I would like,
but she's got the cats.
A brilliant scholar, like yourself, is still single?
Work has always come first.
This weekend, I'm off to appalachia...
To study regional colloquialisms among the coal mining community.
Would you excuse me? You'll be here for a while, won't you?
Oh, yes! I'll be giving...
Mr. Provolone his elocution lesson.
Good news!
We don't have to marry. I found someone else.
Who?
Someone who's handsome, intelligent,
and worships the ground you walk upon... Dr. Poole.
Dr. Poole?
Say, what's the gag? He's old enough to be my father.
He's old enough to be your baby's father.
What makes you think he wants to marry me?
Because he loves you passionately!
He just told me.
But he's never said anything. Ironic, isn't it?
A man whose life is devoted to words,
and he can't put together the 3 most important ones. That's so touching.
I knew you'd see it my way. Stay right here.
Finuccis in, Finuccis out.
He give me "acida."
Lisa, Anthony's trying to tell me...
You're in love with Dr. Poole. Yes, I am.
You see? What?
Oh, daddy, he's so sweet, so intelligent, so cultured.
Not like some other fellas I know.
Put Poole outta your mind. You're marrying Anthony!
- But I love Thornton! - So, now it's Thornton?
Stop that bawling, will ya?
He's the only sensitive man I've ever met.
I'm not sensitive?
Lisa, Lisa stop it. [Snaps fingers]
If it's Poole you want, it's Poole you'll get.
But, Lisa, you've got to cross the finish line on this one.
He's your third fiance today, and it's not even lunch yet!
Mr. Provolone, now that she has a husband,
can I have back the statement I signed? Forget about it!
I'm keeping you in case this guy doesn't come through.
Good mornin', doc.
Now, now, Mr. Provolone. Where are those "g's"?
In here.
No, no. You're not enunciating.
"Good mornin-g, Dr. Poole."
Oh, yeah. Right.
Don't you have something to do?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
Good-bye, Mr. Provolone, Dr. Poole.
[Snaps fingers]
Now, look. That guy's leaving again.
And here comes the priest.
Enter at your own risk, father.
Aldo, haven't seen you at mass lately. Really, father?
I can't imagine why.
Now, remember Mr. Provolone,
speech is man's most important tool...
For the conveyance of thought.
Yeah, but when am I gonna start soundin' like a banker?
After me.
R-r-round the r-r-rough and r-r-rugged r-r-rocks...
The r-r-ragged r-r-rascal r-r-rudely r-r-ran.
Roun' duh rough and rugged rocks duh ragged --
round "the" rough and rugged rocks "the" ragged --
round "the" rough and rascal the ragged --
look, doc, I just can't do it.
I'll never learn to speak good.
Do not despair, Mr. Provolone.
Let's try a new line of attack, shall we?
After me.
R-r-rocco the r-r-rum runner rubbed out r-r-Rico the r-r-rat,
for r-r-robbing his r-r-rum running receipts.
Can you say that?
Rocco the rum runner rubbed out Rico the rat...
For robbing his rum running receipts!
You did it!
Sure! You finally come up with something that made sense!
Excuse me, Mr. Provolone,
I'll be goin' now if you don't mind.
- So what's keepin' ya? - Well...
There's the little matter of a week's pay you'll be owing me.
She should pay me for introducing her to Bruce Underwood.
I'm glad I'll no longer be workin' in this house.
From now on, I'll be havin' servants of me own.
You'll find out what a picnic that is!
Shocking insolence!
I would have terminated her immediately.
I can't do that anymore.
The best I could do was fire her.
Listen, doctor, I'd like to talk to you...
About a little difficulty my daughter's having.
Really? She seems to have such nicely rounded diphthongs.
That's what got her into this jam!
My daughter's turning 18 and she wants to get married.
She's charming. Who's the lucky man?
- You are, doc! - Well, I'm flatter-- what?
- You're not married, are you? - Well, no, of course not.
- How do you feel about kids? - Children? Well... I love --
- then it's settled! - But I hardly know the girl!
Let me sweeten the pot.
There must be something I can do for you.
Some... dream that you got?
Well, now that you mention it,
I've always wanted to take mother to baden baden.
There's a doctor there who's doing miraculous things with gall bladders.
Her gall bladder's on the next boat. Anything else?
Then there's the Thornton Poole school of linguistics.
I can see it from here. Deal, doc?
Uh... I don't know. Events are moving so fast!
Here, this is the clincher.
What's this?
Your mother's gall bladder, the linguistics school, all your dreams!
Look!
I'm a little confused.
I'll be right back!
Nora!
- Where to, lady? - Regency gardens.
Nora, Nora!
Nor...A!
Now Provolone's coming out with a black bag.
What do you think's in it? Bag money, what else?
That does it! I'm calling for the warrant.
Damn! Son-of-a...
Gun... Gosh almighty.
Cheese 'n' crackers!
So sorry to keep you waiting, father Clemente.
Angelo, you remember father Clemente. Mornin', father.
Thanks again for the swell job on papa's funeral.
He'd be proud that you kept your promise to him.
The father's here to collect for the building fund.
Congratulations on your daughter marrying Bruce Underwood.
I'm afraid there's been a change, father.
She's now marrying a nice Italian boy, Anthony Rossano.
That's all for the better!
Nothing like a big Italian wedding!
Anthony Rossano!
Forget Anthony. She's not marrying him anymore. What?
That's a shame. But she's young.
Someday she'll find the right one. She's found the right one.
Who?
- Dr. Poole! - Dr. Poole?
Hello.
[Snaps] Get back in the room!
Looks like a nice young man.
Why is she marrying Dr. Poole? She barely knows him.
She barely knew the chauffeur, too!
Don't drag out Oscar in front of the father!
Who's Oscar? Why isn't she marrying Anthony?
Because Anthony's marrying Theresa.
Who's Theresa?
It's really very simple, but I ain't got time to explain.
- I got to call Nora. - Who's Nora?
- Our maid. - Ex-maid!
You fired the maid? No, she quit to marry Bruce Underwood!
When did that happen? I don't know!
Somewhere between my vest and my pants.
What? This is all very confusing.
Well, father...
It's one of them mysteries in life...
You just got to accept on faith.
I gotta run.
Father, why don't you go...
Into the kitchen and have a cup of tea...
While I clear this matter up?
Sorry to bother you, Bruce.
Nora took the wrong bag. Can you believe that?
Would you mind sending your man around and bring the bag back?
Yeah, it's snaps Provolone. Who the hell you think it is?
What's the matter, you couldn't make it on the outside?
I came to return this suitcase and collect me own.
Is this it? Yes.
I realized that one wasn't mine when I tried to open it.
Go on, beat it! We got bankers comin'...
And we don't need no riffraff here.
Sugar?
Oh... no. Thank you.
Who told you I was in love with you?
Anthony.
But I thought you were in love with me.
- Who told you that? - Your father.
Oh. And did he tell you I was pregnant?
No, he di-- you're pregnant?
No, I just told him that so I could marry Oscar.
- Who's Oscar? - Our ex-chauffeur.
You see, I'd do anything to get out of this house!
Oh, I do know how you feel.
Of course, you've met my father.
Oh, no. I was thinking of my mother.
She can be so... Possessive.
Then you know what I'm going through, Dr. Poole?
Thornton. Yes, I do.
Lisa...
At the risk of being forward...
Yes, Thornton?
Your diction is surprisingly good,
considering your genealogy.
That's the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me...
Thornton.
[Doorbell]
That must be the chauffeur to pick up the underwear.
There it is.
I got it.
What are you doing back here?
What's he doing back there?
- You've still got the jewels. - Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure, I wouldn't let these babies outta my sight.
This morning, I had everything:
The jewels, Theresa. Now I have nothing.
Well, don't take it too hard.
I can't even call her. She never really told me her real name or address.
Consider yourself lucky.
I'll make you a deal, Mr. "p."
What kind of deal?
Well, I've become attached to those jewels.
They remind me of Theresa.
I'd like to buy them back from you for $50,000.
Where'd you come up with another 50,000 smackers?
- I stole it from you. - Connie!
What is it, boss?
You took my gun.
You're trying to tell me you stole another 50,000 clams since the last time I saw you?
Remember that dummy corporation I set up to hide your protection income?
Yeah.
Remember who you made treasurer as a beard?
- You didn't! - I wrote out a check to myself.
As treasurer, the bank asked me no questions.
Only a rat would steal another guy's extortion money.
Here's my offer.
You give me back the jewels that are rightfully mine,
and I'll give you back the money, which isn't.
All right. I guess you outsmarted me.
You give me that money, and I'll give you these jewels.
It's out in the car. I want that document back that I signed, too.
No problem. Got it right here.
I got him. This time, I got him!
Another drop! In broad daylight!
Gimme the bag.
Let's exchange them at the same time. Good idea.
That's it!
I'm calling the gentlemen of the press.
I want them to see me make this pinch.
Everything okay, boss?
Why don't you make some noise when you walk?
Angelo.
Come up to your office. We have to talk.
All right, all right! Connie!
Yeah, boss? Stop eating and listen up!
Take this bag, and bring it into the library.
No matter what, don't take your eyes off it for a second!
Get me? Yeah, boss.
I called the maid service. They're sending someone.
You got me up here for that?
Angelo, nobody wants to work for you.
I want you to be nicer than you were to Nora.
Nora? She's marrying into the Underwood fortune.
I oughta get a commission.
[Giggling]
Hey, Toomey.
[Toomey] This time it's a chauffeur.
He's got bagmen all over the city.
What can I do for you, general?
Mr. Underwood sent me to return Mr. Provolone's suitcase.
Thanks.
And I'm here to collect miss Nora's suitcase.
Oh, right.
I think he put it in the library.
Park it in here, Fritz.
"Sit-en-zee."
Here you go. Give my regards to the kaiser.
I promise I'll be nice to the help.
I'm going to dress for lunch.
I love talking to you, Thornton.
You're so... Deep-dish.
Lisa...
I'll be leaving next month on the ile de France...
For a linguistics symposium in brussels.
Brussels? The one in Europe?
Yes.
Do send me a postcard.
You can address it here...
In care of my gilded cage.
I don't suppose you'd consider --
well... I mean to say --
I can't ask. Come on, spill it!
I was wondering if you would accompany me. Will I?
Dr. Poole, get in here. We gotta talk.
Please forgive me.
Okay, doc, sit down. Where were we? Oh, yeah.
I made you an offer earlier to marry my daughter.
Yes. In exchange for a bag of women's underwear.
Nix the underwear. It never happened.
The offer still stands. Anybody will tell you...
Snaps Provolone's word is his bond. That's right, doc.
Even in the old days, he was known as an honest crook.
That's an oxymoron.
Gee, doc, you shouldn't oughta said that.
Leave Connie alone. He does the best he can.
I'm sorry.
Doc, here's the deal. Marry my daughter,
and you can use all the dough in this bag...
To start your linguistics school.
Most men spend their whole lives...
Trying to get their hands on what's in here.
Mmm, that's right, Mr. Provolone.
I've never seen so much money.
Look...
Here's money...
And here's more money.
And look...
Here's a lovely new $20 bill.
Dr. Poole, would you be so kind as to step into the garden...
While I have a conference with my associate?
Please... correct me if I am wrong.
But did I, or did I not,
tell you to keep an eye on this bag? I did!
I watched the bag of underwear the whole time.
It wasn't underwear when I left!
It was 50 grand in cash!
Poole was right! You are an ox and a moron!
How did 50 grand change into underwear?
That's what I'm asking you!
Maybe it was a miracle.
You know, like the loaves and the fishes?
Lisa, come with me.
Let's get out of this madhouse. Whatever you say, baby!
Baby!
Snaps...
Are you sure there was cash in that bag? Yeah.
Little Anthony stole it. If little Anthony stole it, then he's got it.
No, you blockhead. He stole it and gave it back.
Why'd he give it back to you? To buy back the jewels.
What jewels? The jewels he stole from me.
He stole jewels from you, too? So he could marry my daughter.
Lisa. Not Lisa, Theresa.
How come nobody's met this daughter, Theresa?
Because she's not my daughter, capisci?
Your daughter's not your daughter,
and the cash that used to be the jewels is now your underwear.
Now, you got it! I got it!
I don't even know what I'm talking about!
- I'm back. - Quelle surprise.
Take a seat. The nurse'll call your number.
The skirt is back. Which, Nora?
No, the other one, Theresa.
You remember, boss, the one that's not your daughter.
Keep her on ice. I'm lookin' for something.
- What? - A bag just like this one.
Don't worry, I gave it back to Underwood's chauffeur.
You did what?
It was sittin' in the library, so I switched the bags for you.
Where was Einstein?
Connie, was you in here? I didn't see him.
Why don't you go stand next to your girlfriend?
Aw, mush!
Underwear, underwear... Underwood!
Mr. Provolone will see you in the library.
Come on.
Now he's back again for another drop!
And you knuckleheads thought that snaps was going straight!
[Doorbell]
Oh, that's okay, I'll get it!
Well, well, the man who started it all.
Look, Underwood, your chauffeur snatched the wrong bag!
Do something about it, and pronto!
- What can I do for you? - Can we talk in private?
- Connie, am-scray! - Can't I stick around?
Every time I leave, I fall behind.
All right, stay, but shut up!
Mr. Provolone, I'm desperate.
- I've done a stupid thing. - You already told me.
No, I walked out on Anthony, the only man I've ever loved.
Honey, that's the first smart move you made!
I looked for him everywhere.
I tried his apartment, but he wasn't there.
- Know where I can find him? - No, but wherever he is,
he's probably stealing another 50 "g's" from me.
If you'll excuse me, I have another appointment.
I may have an idea where he is.
- Where? - Closer than I thought.
Stay in here and don't come out. You owe me this, sister.
I thought she was your daughter? Shut up!
Well, little Anthony,
thought you could pull a fast one on me, huh?
You must have forgotten. I gave you the cash for those jewels.
Yeah, but you were supposed to get the underwear.
- What underwear? - I know, the maid's underwear!
Connie, please.
Bingo!
I'm not giving you another bag. I'm onto that racket.
I don't know what you're talking about, but you can have the jewels.
Do you believe the cajones on this guy?
He's just givin' me back my own dough.
Connie, watch this.
Look who I'm talkin' to!
You're just givin' me back my own rocks?
Yes. I've realized that all the jewels in the world...
Are worthless to me, now that I've lost Theresa.
This guy's a poet.
If you hear from her, tell her I still love her,
and that I'm sorry I hurt her.
- Theresa's in the library. - She's here?
That's right, and she's crazy about you.
Anthony, I am so sorry.
This whole thing was my fault.
[Doorbell]
I'll get it.
Maybe that's Underwood's chauffeur with my dough.
He'll get it.
Hello, I was sent by the employment agency.
I don't mean to seem discourteous,
but I've got another appointment.
Sit down, honey.
I'll try not to keep you, Mr. Provolone.
Here's my references. I do light housekeeping, some cooking --
you don't by any chance answer front doors, do ya?
[Snaps fingers]
Well, all this looks pretty good... Roxanne.
So how long you been a maid?
My first job was for a man named James bonomo.
Jumpin' Jimmy bonomo?
Hey, Aldo, she worked for jumpin' Jimmy!
Remember? Nervous little guy?
Sure, I remember him, big hearted, sweet guy.
Give you the shirt off his back. When did he die?
Got the chair in '27.
I don't believe this. I was a driver for jumpin' Jimmy.
That was my first job in the rackets... I mean, industry.
- That's right, snaps. - No.
- Roxie? - Then you remember me?
Remember you? How could I forget? You were my first.
We were --
how do you like that! What a small world!
Geez, I had a real thing for her!
You just disappeared. How come?
I didn't think I was working in the best atmosphere...
To raise my baby.
- You had a baby? - She's a big girl now.
In fact, she'll be getting married soon.
I'm so happy for you. Who's the lucky guy?
He's a very successful accountant.
He makes $1400 a month.
Wow, that's a lot of dough!
Wait a minute.
His name wouldn't happen to be little Anthony Rossano?
- You know him? - Know him!
Sometimes I think I don't know anybody else but him!
Then you gotta be Theresa's mother!
- You know Theresa, too? - I should.
After all, she's my... Daughter!
- Then you've known all along. - Known what?
That you and I --
that we --
don't you get it, boss? She had your kid!
Theresa really is your daughter.
I'm gettin' good at this!
- No, no, it can't be! - You seem surprised.
Nothing this morning would surprise me, except this!
But you said you knew that she was your daughter.
I knew she said she was my daughter,
but I didn't think I was her father!
I should have told you,
but I lost touch when I was sent to the convent.
Come on, it's okay.
This day has been an emotional roller coaster.
My father sent me to the nuns to have Theresa.
He said I brought shame to the family.
What a blockhead he must have been.
I didn't want to come on this interview.
I was afraid that you'd be angry.
Aw, no, roxie, I'm not angry.
Just don't cry, please.
[Sofia] Angelo!
- Who is this woman? - The new maid.
You don't have to be that friendly with the help.
Why is she crying?
She's just happy to be working for us!
That'll change.
Come on. There's somebody I want you to meet.
- Who's here? - Our daughter.
Theresa's here? But why?
- It all started around 8:30. - Will you shut up!
- Aldo, get Theresa. - Theresa!
See what I gotta put up with?
Mama?
- What are you doing here? - I came to see your father.
- Father? - It's time you knew the truth.
You're the daughter of snaps Provolone.
Mr. Provolone?
Oh, mama.
I really can call you dad!
You do, I'll mop the floor with ya!
[Lisa] Listen, everybody!
We have an announcement to make!
What is it, Lisa?
Thornton and I are getting married.
Aldo, get the champagne. We're gonna celebrate!
My baby!
My girls!
Congratulations, doc. Will there be a honeymoon following?
Watch it there, you've got a dangling participle.
Oh.
Let's get this over with.
I have to get back and turn down a loan.
[Car horn]
Are you sure about this one, lieutenant?
Hey, Toomey! Better get over here.
Here come the big boys!
It's the o'banion gang, all right.
Well, obviously they're expecting us.
This turned out to be a wonderful day, after all.
-Both girls are getting married. -What do you mean, both?
Sofia, my wife,
- meet Theresa, my daughter. - Your daughter?
- I just found out, myself. - Me, too.
If she's your daughter, who's her mother?
I am.
You had a child with the new maid?
Pardon me?
- Have we come at a bad time? - No, gentlemen, come in!
Here's the bubbly, boss.
Liquor's against the law!
Didn't you hear of prohibition?
What do you think paid for this house?
Ix-nay the ooze-bay. Ankers-bay!
Oh, we just keep this in the house for yacht christenings.
It's so difficult to find good help these days.
If you don't mind, I've got some business to conduct.
[Phone ring]
Collect call from Mr. "five spot" Charlie. Will you accept?
Yeah, put him on.
- Hello, Mr. v-v-Vendetti? - What've you got for me?
Well, it's h-happening, Mr. v-v-Vendetti,
just like we t-t-thought.
Four t-t-tough customers...
Just went into... S-s-s-s...Snap's place.
Thanks. There's a "c" note in it for you.
A "c" note? Gee, than...Thank--
that cinches it. He's hooking up with o'banion.
Okay, we're movin' on Provolone now!
A "c" note!
Order out for pizza. We'll be back in an hour.
Wait'll you see your office downtown.
You'll have a secretary, telephone,
beautiful view of the harbor.
And a key to the executive lounge.
But not a vote on the board.
What? Let me see that!
Well, we thought...
You might serve in more of an advisory capacity.
Just until you learn the ropes, that is.
As sort of a silent partner.
Correct me if I am wrong, but for the dough I'm putting in,
I deserve a vote.
With due respect, I call your attention to addendum "b."?
Oh, that.
That simply absolves the bank of any liability.
Yes, should Mr. Provolone --
- should Mr. Provolone what? - Incur any legal difficulties.
Let's not beat around the bush. We all know his background.
It sounds like they don't trust me. Not according to this.
No, Mr. Provolone...
These clauses are as much for your protection as ours.
Now, if you just sign this... please.
All right, grab some sky, hoods, and hold it!
Drill the first rat that makes a move.
Lieutenant, what a pleasant surprise!
I'll bet!
I was just saying to Sofia, "we gotta have the Toomey's to tea."
You don't really think we're in business with these people?
We're only here because he threatened us!
That's right, he threatened to put the arm on us!
Save your breath, fingers.
Fingers frischetti, o'banion's trigger man.
It's a privilege to watch your mind work, Toomey.
Thank you.
And this is the infamous sid "the shiv" saperstein.
- I beg your pardon! - Hey, sid, say cheese.
You better take a look at these, lieutenant.
University club, Harvard alumni club,
republican national committee?
Wait a minute! City board of directors, city trade association,
the state financial advisory board,
committee to re-elect Herbert hoover,
and two tickets to the policemen's ball.
Either you guys are legit,
or this is the greatest job of forgery ever.
I hope you're satisfied, officer.
Toomey, he had me convinced he was fingers frischetti.
It don't add up. Why would snaps be meetin' with bankers?
- Maybe I was slumming. - Clam it, snaps!
I got it! The bag!
Fan out, boys! Find that little black bag,
the one that's been comin' in and out all day.
What's the matter, snaps? Nervous?
[Whistling]
Lieutenant! We found it!
Just as I figured!
Seems snaps has been laundering mob money through their bank.
Here's your proof! Get your cameras ready, boys!
Boy, is this gonna make me look good downtown!
Get out of my way!
Well, boys, he got the laundry part right.
I hate to say, "I told you so,"
but that's what we get for going into business with a crook!
I'm a crook?
You come into my house with your fine print and addendums...
And try to con me outta my dough?
Geez, I'm used to dealing with mobsters and bootleggers,
but you bankers are scary.
I have never been so insulted in all my life!
Wait - you're young yet.
It all came out in the wash, didn't it?
I didn't know you collected ladies underwear.
Don't worry, Toomey, maybe they'll give you a job as a bank guard.
Shove off, you bums!
We hit 'em fast and hard. Nobody gets out alive.
Step on it, dugan.
Are you all right, lieutenant?
All right, all right, out of the way!
Well, well, Mr. Vendetti.
Hiya, Toomey.
All right, boys, take 'em in.
I liked the way you handled yourself today. Thank you, sir.
I'm making you chief financial officer of Provolone enterprises, inc.
Sir... Dad, what an honor!
Are we back in business, Mr. Provolone?
Forget that Mr. Provolone stuff. Call me "boss."
Yes, boss!
Sorry, papa. I did the best I could.
Do you, Lisa and Theresa,
take Thornton and Anthony...
To be your lawfully wedded husbands?
I do.
If anyone has reason to doubt these unions...
Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Stop!
- Who are you? - I'm Oscar.
Get rid of him... Expeditiously. You got it.
Then, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the brides.