1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:30,000 Created By Khaled-Klz. 2 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,537 We are often told 3 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:41,251 that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales 4 00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:44,921 and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. 5 00:00:45,088 --> 00:00:49,133 And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon, 6 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:53,263 a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, 7 00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:55,223 proving two things. 8 00:00:55,390 --> 00:00:58,476 Happy endings can come true for anyone. 9 00:00:58,643 --> 00:01:02,105 And America doesn't give a shit about anything. 10 00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,649 Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 11 00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,945 take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband? 12 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,530 I do. 13 00:01:10,613 --> 00:01:12,156 And do you, Ted, 14 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,785 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 15 00:01:15,952 --> 00:01:17,620 Fuckin' A right, I do! 16 00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:21,708 Then, by the power vested in me, 17 00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,669 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 18 00:01:24,836 --> 00:01:25,920 You may kiss the bear. 19 00:01:48,985 --> 00:01:51,696 Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds! 20 00:01:59,871 --> 00:02:02,415 Teddy, this is the best day of my life! 21 00:02:02,874 --> 00:02:04,417 I just love you so much. 22 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,127 I love you, too, baby. 23 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:08,880 I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight. 24 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:10,256 Let's go get shit-faced! 25 00:02:10,340 --> 00:02:11,466 Okay! 26 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,844 Thank you. 27 00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:21,392 Hey, congrats, you mofos. 28 00:02:21,476 --> 00:02:22,477 Oh, hey, Guy. 29 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,145 Beautiful ceremony. 30 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,397 Oh, Thank you so much for being a part of it. 31 00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,232 Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick. 32 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:29,442 How you doing? 33 00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,568 Good, good. 34 00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:34,656 He's a gourmet chef, So he knows how to toss a salad. 35 00:02:39,327 --> 00:02:41,579 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot. 36 00:02:41,913 --> 00:02:43,665 Oh, you guys are getting married? 37 00:02:43,748 --> 00:02:45,667 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together. 38 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,168 - Ha! Fuck you. - Fuck you. 39 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,586 Deal. 40 00:02:56,094 --> 00:02:58,262 Hey, buddy. You okay, there? 41 00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,722 You look a little down. 42 00:02:59,806 --> 00:03:02,517 Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? 43 00:03:02,684 --> 00:03:04,394 Oh! That's nice. 44 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,437 Oh, my god, She's fucking begging for it! 45 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:09,482 She's totally begging, get it, get in there. 46 00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:11,609 Look at her. She wants it bad! 47 00:03:11,776 --> 00:03:12,860 Oh, yeah. She wants more 48 00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:15,196 than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? 49 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:18,282 That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you. 50 00:03:18,449 --> 00:03:21,160 You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter! 51 00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,705 Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on! 52 00:03:24,956 --> 00:03:28,000 I'm fine, I was thinking about Lori. 53 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,753 Oh, Johnny, come on, man. 54 00:03:30,837 --> 00:03:33,339 It's been six months since you guys got divorced. 55 00:03:33,423 --> 00:03:35,299 I know, I know. It's just that... 56 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,635 Being back in that church again. 57 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,471 I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect. 58 00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,223 Yeah, well, you're not the first guy 59 00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:43,474 to marry the wrong girl. 60 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:46,352 Hey, hey! big day, huh, bud? 61 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:50,481 You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm? 62 00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:52,900 Oh, uh, no, thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn would kill me 63 00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:54,569 if I did drugs on our wedding day. 64 00:03:54,652 --> 00:03:56,279 Ah, she won't notice. 65 00:03:56,362 --> 00:03:58,656 I just did a line with a dude in the men's room 66 00:03:58,740 --> 00:04:01,159 and I bet you can't even spot him. 67 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,168 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 68 00:04:12,128 --> 00:04:14,922 I'm steppin' out with my honey 69 00:04:15,006 --> 00:04:17,175 Can't be bad to feel so good 70 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,635 Never felt quite so sunny 71 00:04:19,719 --> 00:04:21,596 So I keep on knockin' wood 72 00:04:21,679 --> 00:04:24,015 Yeah, steppin' out with my baby 73 00:04:24,182 --> 00:04:26,434 Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right 74 00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:29,145 Ask me when will the day be 75 00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:32,607 The big day may be tonight 76 00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,442 This is the best day of my life! 77 00:07:25,196 --> 00:07:27,031 I'm starving, What the hell are you doing over there? 78 00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:28,407 I'm curing cancer. 79 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,618 I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? 80 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:31,911 What do I think you're doing? 81 00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:33,788 I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. 82 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,541 Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement. 83 00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,627 What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars? 84 00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:41,295 I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy? 85 00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:43,881 What do you mean? You wear a smook, you're a fucking cashier. 86 00:07:43,965 --> 00:07:45,007 Yeah? So are you! 87 00:07:45,091 --> 00:07:47,843 Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit! 88 00:07:47,927 --> 00:07:49,053 Oh, no, no, no, no, no! 89 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,263 You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs. 90 00:07:51,347 --> 00:07:52,348 You should fucking talk! 91 00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:55,518 I was talking, I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. 92 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:56,811 Well, I have to interrupt you or else 93 00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:57,895 I never get to fucking say anything! 94 00:07:57,979 --> 00:07:58,980 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 95 00:07:59,063 --> 00:08:00,064 You're always cutting me off! 96 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,273 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 97 00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:03,943 It's important to look good at work. 98 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:06,112 I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here! 99 00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,571 Nobody's in there to look at your ass! 100 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,823 You're acting like an asshole! 101 00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,491 Oh, what am I acting like, Tami? 102 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:11,993 You're acting like a fucking asshole! 103 00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:13,661 Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like! 104 00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,580 You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag! 105 00:08:16,706 --> 00:08:18,958 I am the face of the business! Okay? 106 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,793 The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case! 107 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,254 Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional! 108 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,673 I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've. 109 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,174 Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole! 110 00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:28,509 He treated me good! 111 00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:32,346 And he had a dick! He had an awesome dick! 112 00:08:32,430 --> 00:08:35,599 Oh, newsflash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis. 113 00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:37,852 What the fuck did you just call me, fucker? 114 00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,311 What did you fucking say? 115 00:08:39,395 --> 00:08:40,688 Jesus! What the fuck? 116 00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,773 You wanna call me a whore? 117 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:44,025 You wanna throw shit? 118 00:08:44,108 --> 00:08:45,317 Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit! 119 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,444 I'll fucking throw shit! 120 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,738 Oh, Wow, There, see! How do you like that? 121 00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:50,197 I'm scared, Teddy! 122 00:08:50,281 --> 00:08:52,450 I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear! 123 00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:53,909 Shut the fuck up! 124 00:08:53,993 --> 00:08:55,453 Oh, for Christ's sake! 125 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,329 Hey, you shut the fuck up! 126 00:08:57,413 --> 00:08:58,789 Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy? 127 00:08:58,873 --> 00:08:59,999 Yeah, why don't you come up here 128 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:01,375 and make me come down there, tough guy? 129 00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:03,627 I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! 130 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,087 Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole? 131 00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:06,964 Get your ass up here and kick my ass! 132 00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:09,550 Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! 133 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:10,593 Hey, shut up, lady! 134 00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,636 Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore! 135 00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,055 Get the fuck out of here! 136 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:15,389 People are trying to sleep! 137 00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:16,474 God damn it! 138 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,641 Shut the fuck up! 139 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:20,102 - Hey, I'm really sorry! - Yeah, me, too. 140 00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:21,520 She's worse than us. 141 00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:22,980 Yeah, she's our enemy now. 142 00:09:30,571 --> 00:09:32,573 Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? 143 00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:34,992 Oh, God, yeah. it was a frigging disaster. 144 00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:37,578 $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing. 145 00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,497 $250? Dude, that's ridiculous! 146 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,165 I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something? 147 00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:44,085 Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet, 148 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:45,419 but I came back five minutes later, 149 00:09:45,503 --> 00:09:46,837 she was looking at black cocks. 150 00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,506 It seems like every time you go online, 151 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,091 you're two clicks away from black cocks. 152 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,383 Look. 153 00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:54,178 See, I'll Google "Grand Canyon. 154 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,889 Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks? 155 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:58,974 I don't know, man. I got to do something 156 00:09:59,058 --> 00:10:00,643 or my marriage is gonna collapse, 157 00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,311 Here you go, guys. 158 00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:04,021 We're gonna be closing in a few, 159 00:10:04,188 --> 00:10:05,648 but I'm going to this after-hours thing 160 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,441 at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join. 161 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,736 Oh, thanks, Allison, But l got an early day tomorrow. 162 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,196 Oh, okay. 163 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:16,158 Well, if you change your mind, here's the address. 164 00:10:18,244 --> 00:10:19,745 I put my cell number on there, too. 165 00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,959 Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me? 166 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,085 What? 167 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,336 What do you mean, What? After hours? 168 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,255 Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you. 169 00:10:29,964 --> 00:10:31,048 I'm not into it. 170 00:10:31,132 --> 00:10:32,967 John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half 171 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,927 about every chick that throws herself at you. 172 00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:36,345 You got to get back in the game, man! 173 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,680 No, don't start this shit, all right? 174 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,265 Look, I wasted six years of my life 175 00:10:39,348 --> 00:10:40,766 with the wrong girl and I got burned. 176 00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:42,601 I'm not gonna make that same mistake again. 177 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,645 Jesus, Johnny, you don't got to marry Allison. 178 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,897 You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little. 179 00:10:46,981 --> 00:10:48,190 What? 180 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:51,318 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover. 181 00:10:51,402 --> 00:10:53,028 Yeah, I got to take a leak. 182 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,074 Sorry, Allison, I tried. 183 00:10:57,241 --> 00:11:00,536 It's okay, I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute. 184 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:02,413 Yeah, Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's 185 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:04,165 with just a splash of Grey Goose? 186 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,250 Wish I could help you, but we're closing. 187 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,544 Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody 188 00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:11,088 that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. 189 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,674 Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off of me! 190 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,593 Sorry, my mistake. 191 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,477 There we go. Thanks a lot, come again. 192 00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:33,444 Hey. 193 00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:34,695 Hello. 194 00:11:34,904 --> 00:11:38,908 I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. 195 00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:41,452 Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix. 196 00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:42,745 That's right. 197 00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:46,957 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. 198 00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:48,292 Is that correct? 199 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:52,379 I... I mean, they say, uh, Trix are for kids in the commercials. 200 00:11:52,463 --> 00:11:53,839 Uh-huh, Uh-huh. 201 00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:56,425 And is that enforced by law? 202 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,094 Uh, not to my knowledge, no. 203 00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:03,474 So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? 204 00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,976 No, No, you... You should be fine. 205 00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:09,355 You do understand that I myself am not a child? 206 00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:11,982 Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah. 207 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,153 Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment. 208 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:18,656 Uh, yeah, yeah. You'll... You'll be okay. 209 00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,659 And, uh, I won't be followed? 210 00:12:21,992 --> 00:12:25,204 Uh, no, that's... That's not in our budget here. 211 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,667 Hey. 212 00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,544 I won't forget what you've done for me here today. 213 00:12:32,711 --> 00:12:34,505 I would prefer that you do. 214 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:41,845 Jesus Christ. 215 00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:54,275 You two still not talking? 216 00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:55,484 No. 217 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:57,695 Honest to God, Joy, I don't know how to fix this. 218 00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:58,779 I mean, how the hell do you take 219 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,531 a broken marriage and make it work again? 220 00:13:00,698 --> 00:13:03,993 Well, I'll tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby. 221 00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,160 A baby? 222 00:13:05,244 --> 00:13:07,162 Uh-huh, Look at that. 223 00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:08,789 You see them two white niggas over there? 224 00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:10,833 Yeah, What? 225 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,626 Look at them. They're so happy. 226 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:15,421 Because they got that little baby keeping them together. 227 00:13:15,587 --> 00:13:17,131 If they didn't have that baby, 228 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:19,300 they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas 229 00:13:19,383 --> 00:13:21,010 waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on. 230 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,804 Why, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase? 231 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:24,972 I'm telling you, Ted, 232 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:28,183 y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over, Trust. 233 00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:40,029 Uh, hey. 234 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,114 Go away, Teddy. 235 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,366 Tami, listen, I just wanna talk to you, Okay? 236 00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:45,993 Will you just listen to me for one second? 237 00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:47,828 Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes? 238 00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,914 No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry. 239 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,833 I was an asshole and I didn't mean it. 240 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,335 You know, whatever, Teddy. 241 00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:57,087 Tami, listen. I love you. 242 00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:59,006 Okay? And... And I don't want us 243 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,216 to fight like we've been doing the past few months. 244 00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,094 I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change, you know? 245 00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:07,723 Because I can't do this no more. It's too much. 246 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:10,517 I know, I know, I know. And... And that's why... 247 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,771 I wanna have a baby. 248 00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:16,398 You do? 249 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:17,691 Yeah. 250 00:14:17,775 --> 00:14:20,110 A baby? Like really? 251 00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:21,236 Yeah. 252 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,572 See, I think, if we got a kid to love, 253 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,866 it'll teach us how to love each other again. 254 00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:27,951 Oh, my God, Teddy. 255 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,995 You better not be messing with me. 256 00:14:30,079 --> 00:14:31,538 I swear to God, not messing with you. 257 00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:33,207 I think you'd make an awesome mom. 258 00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:34,792 Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? 259 00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:36,919 I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'! 260 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,337 So what do you say? We all good? 261 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:39,922 Yes! Oh, I love you! 262 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,131 I love you so much! 263 00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:43,133 Oh, baby, I love you, too! 264 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,636 - Let's make a baby! - Let's make a baby! 265 00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,147 - Okay, you ready? - Oh, shit, yeah, yeah, yeah. 266 00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,774 - Here it comes, - Okay, okay, I'm ready. 267 00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:02,152 Let's all go to court 268 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:06,907 Let's go make some law now 269 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,992 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 270 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,203 Some law now 271 00:15:11,286 --> 00:15:12,329 I say we go to court! 272 00:15:12,413 --> 00:15:13,580 Yes, let's go to court! 273 00:15:13,664 --> 00:15:15,332 We're a bunch of assholes who take up 274 00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:17,459 a whole hallway with our conversation. 275 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,088 Hey, you lawyer guys 276 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:25,175 You don't know me and Johnny are watching you 277 00:15:25,259 --> 00:15:27,511 While we're high 278 00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:30,139 That was fucking magic. 279 00:15:30,222 --> 00:15:32,391 That felt smooth. That felt really smooth, Oh! 280 00:15:32,474 --> 00:15:33,684 So in the pocket. 281 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:36,186 Hey, so, uh, listen, l got, uh... 282 00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,938 I got some big news to tell ya. 283 00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:39,356 Oh, yeah? What's that? 284 00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:42,860 Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby! 285 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,530 Holy shit! You? 286 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,198 Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today. 287 00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:49,908 Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations! 288 00:15:49,992 --> 00:15:50,993 Thank you! 289 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,911 Wait, wait, wait, How... How... How do you guys... 290 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:56,707 yeah, that's the thing, We... We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor. 291 00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,877 And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think 292 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,795 Sam Jones would say if I asked him? 293 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,256 You want Flash Gordon to father your child? 294 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:05,632 Yeah, I mean, do you think... 295 00:16:05,716 --> 00:16:07,384 Would that be weird? Would he be freaked out if I... 296 00:16:07,468 --> 00:16:08,635 No, I think he'd be flattered! 297 00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:11,430 And plus, your baby will be a fucking superhero! 298 00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,515 Well, that was the logic I arrived at as well. 299 00:16:13,599 --> 00:16:14,808 Yeah, I say do it! 300 00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:16,560 All right, I'll shoot him an e-mail right now, 301 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,020 and see if I can stop by tonight. 302 00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:19,396 - You come with me? - Sure. 303 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:20,689 All right, great. 304 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:23,984 Shit. 305 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,987 I can never get a signal in your apartment, Hey, can I use your laptop? 306 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:28,989 - Yeah, go ahead. - Okay, thanks. 307 00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:34,828 What the fuck? 308 00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,289 Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? What happened? 309 00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:38,415 What's going on? 310 00:16:38,499 --> 00:16:40,417 There's so much porn! 311 00:16:40,584 --> 00:16:42,377 Well, what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit? 312 00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:45,297 What are you talking about, private shit? Johnny, it was wide open! 313 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,174 There are literally thousands of files here! 314 00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,051 Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out. 315 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:51,303 Jesus Christ, Look at the organization here! 316 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:54,097 Clockwise rim job. Counterclockwise rim job! 317 00:16:54,306 --> 00:16:56,600 Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way! 318 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,603 You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks? 319 00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:03,482 Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right? I need help! 320 00:17:03,649 --> 00:17:06,068 There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits! 321 00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,486 Oh, this is such a relief! 322 00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:09,780 I'm so glad I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught! 323 00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:12,533 Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? 324 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,701 You got to get back out there and meet somebody 325 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,620 because you are spiraling out of control here. 326 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,206 All right, fine, I will, Just stop looking at that shit, please! 327 00:17:19,373 --> 00:17:20,541 Johnny, I mean it, All right? 328 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,501 The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game. 329 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,835 Fine, I got it, Done. 330 00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,671 All right, Now, let's get rid of this. 331 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:27,673 What do you mean? We'll just delete the files! 332 00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,341 No, no, no, That shit can always be recovered. 333 00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:31,426 We got to smash your laptop with a hammer. 334 00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,059 All right, there, you happy? 335 00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,645 No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. 336 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:42,980 We got to bury it in the harbor. 337 00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:01,456 So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor. 338 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:02,958 So what do ya say? 339 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,710 You'd really be helping me and Tami out. 340 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,461 No can do, my brother. 341 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,171 Well... Well, why not? 342 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,674 Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s 343 00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:14,177 and my sperm count's a little low. 344 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:15,721 Oh, How low? 345 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:17,347 One. 346 00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:18,432 One? 347 00:18:18,515 --> 00:18:22,352 Yeah, little fella's having his own I Am Legend in my nut sack. 348 00:18:22,561 --> 00:18:24,021 Oh, Can we have that one? 349 00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:27,608 No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. 350 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,860 Come on, guys, I mean, are we done here? I got to go. 351 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:33,322 That Sister, Sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself. 352 00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,450 Can't believe it. That son of a bitch! 353 00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:37,826 That was really selfish of him. 354 00:18:37,909 --> 00:18:39,286 I know, And after I watched his 355 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,121 piece-of-shit movie, like, a hundred times. 356 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:42,748 God damn it! 357 00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,000 Ah! Oh, shit! 358 00:18:50,714 --> 00:18:52,883 Johnny, please, just help me do this, Okay? 359 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,551 He's the only guy in the world whose sperm 360 00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:55,886 is even close to Flash Gordon's. 361 00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:58,138 Ted, it's insane, We could get in a lot of trouble. 362 00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,681 But not if nobody finds out. 363 00:18:59,765 --> 00:19:00,807 Look, look, John, John. 364 00:19:00,891 --> 00:19:03,226 We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep 365 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,936 and sneak out with the sperm. It'll be easy! 366 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,189 And think how awesome the baby will be. 367 00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:09,775 Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby. 368 00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,612 All right, I'll help you. But we got to have a game plan. 369 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,292 Just calm down. 370 00:19:29,378 --> 00:19:30,462 Yeah, can I help you? 371 00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:34,675 Hey! Um, are you, uh, Tom Brady? 372 00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:36,093 Yeah. 373 00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,344 Um, hey. Um... 374 00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:38,553 Your neighbors called, 375 00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:40,138 and your air conditioner's making a loud noise 376 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,848 so I'm supposed to check out the unit. 377 00:19:41,932 --> 00:19:43,350 Uh, okay. Yeah, it's around back. 378 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,811 Okay, Um, I just may need a signature in case 379 00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:47,479 I got to get some parts, for the billing. 380 00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:51,608 You could just, uh, write that to John and Ted, Put number 12. 381 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:55,028 And you're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect. 382 00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,947 It's around back. All right, Yeah. 383 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:22,139 Stupid idiot. 384 00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:30,188 Okay, Go, go, go! 385 00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,582 Take the damn raincoat off. It's making too much noise. 386 00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,834 Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me! 387 00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:05,056 Two League MVPs, four Super Bowl rings, 388 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,893 guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer. 389 00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:10,729 Now let's give him a handjob into this red Solo cup. 390 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,314 All right, Go ahead. 391 00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:14,274 Wait, what do you mean, Go ahead? You got to do it. 392 00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,110 What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm. 393 00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:18,570 Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand. 394 00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,447 It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work. 395 00:21:20,614 --> 00:21:21,907 No, it doesn't. It's just friction. 396 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,784 - Look, I've never done this before. - Neither have I. 397 00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,702 - You do it to yourself. - Yeah, but that's different. 398 00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:28,413 You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. 399 00:21:28,497 --> 00:21:29,623 You're telling me you don't want this? 400 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,793 Yeah, I want it! You know I want it, but I'm nervous. 401 00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:35,003 What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it? He deserves the best! 402 00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:36,213 Pull yourself together, for God's sakes. 403 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,547 He's gonna love it. Go, go, go! 404 00:21:38,632 --> 00:21:39,883 All right. 405 00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,597 Sweet God and baby Jesus. 406 00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:48,725 And that's at rest. 407 00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:50,727 What the hell? 408 00:21:50,811 --> 00:21:52,229 Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time. 409 00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:53,730 What are you doing here? Who are you? 410 00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:54,815 Get out of my house! 411 00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:57,818 Oh, God! Ahhh! 412 00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:00,570 Wait, Mr. Brady! 413 00:22:00,654 --> 00:22:02,489 Take your goddamn teddy bear with you! 414 00:22:04,241 --> 00:22:06,493 Holy shit! Perfect spiral! 415 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,036 Come on, let's get out of here! 416 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:18,088 Shit! 417 00:22:18,255 --> 00:22:19,589 What the hell do we do now? 418 00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:23,051 Hey, Ted, let me ask you something. 419 00:22:23,218 --> 00:22:24,427 What's that? 420 00:22:24,928 --> 00:22:26,304 Why didn't you just come to me? 421 00:22:26,888 --> 00:22:28,056 What are you talking about? 422 00:22:28,139 --> 00:22:29,474 For the sperm. 423 00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:34,563 Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You were the first person I wanted to go to. 424 00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,690 But you've just been so bummed out 425 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:37,899 over your divorce lately 426 00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:41,528 that I just... You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. 427 00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:43,196 And plus, after seeing your laptop, 428 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:44,781 I didn't think you had any left. 429 00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:47,617 Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it. 430 00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:51,496 Really? You'd... You'd do that for me? 431 00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:54,040 Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. 432 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:58,295 Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off... 433 00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,005 You're ready to be a parent. 434 00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:02,215 God... 435 00:23:02,299 --> 00:23:04,092 I don't know what to say. 436 00:23:04,301 --> 00:23:07,429 Johnny, thank you! Thank you so much! 437 00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:10,390 Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember? 438 00:23:10,765 --> 00:23:12,601 Thunder buddies for life. 439 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:15,478 Come on, We got to get out of here before the cops show up. 440 00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:19,608 All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive, Area units, please respond. 441 00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:21,276 What's a 3-17? 442 00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:24,321 Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again. 443 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,002 - What is that? - What? 444 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,670 What are you doing? I'm getting ready, dude. 445 00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:41,755 What do you mean you're getting ready? 446 00:23:41,838 --> 00:23:43,089 What are you doing to your hand? 447 00:23:43,173 --> 00:23:45,759 I'm doing this for you, I'm getting ready. I got to go in and perform. 448 00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,427 You got your hand on your dick. What are you doing? 449 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:48,762 I'm trying to get it half hard, 450 00:23:48,845 --> 00:23:50,347 so when I get in there I could just bust it out. 451 00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:52,223 Sitting out here in public, jerking off? 452 00:23:52,307 --> 00:23:54,059 Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? What are you doing? 453 00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:55,435 What do you think I got to do in there? 454 00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:56,895 Forget it. Now, look, you haven't 455 00:23:56,978 --> 00:23:58,730 smoked pot for two whole days, right? 456 00:23:58,813 --> 00:24:01,399 Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right? Your baby's gonna be fine. 457 00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,360 I'm sorry, l just don't want something 458 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:05,862 I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16. 459 00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:07,364 "John Bennett. 460 00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:08,448 Hi. 461 00:24:08,531 --> 00:24:11,201 Right this way, I'll show you where to deposit your specimen. 462 00:24:11,826 --> 00:24:13,536 Hey, Johnny, Johnny. 463 00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:24,965 I'm John Bennett. 464 00:24:25,215 --> 00:24:27,133 I know, I just said your name. 465 00:24:27,217 --> 00:24:29,803 Oh, right, yeah, sorry, I'm just a little nervous. 466 00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:32,013 I've been out of the game for a while. 467 00:24:32,222 --> 00:24:33,264 The game? 468 00:24:33,348 --> 00:24:37,435 I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies. 469 00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:39,187 I see. 470 00:24:40,063 --> 00:24:41,731 Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink? 471 00:24:43,066 --> 00:24:46,403 Oh, I don't mean this, I meant, like, a regular drink. 472 00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:48,071 I have a boyfriend. 473 00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:52,325 Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, too bad, You're missing out on a great guy. 474 00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:55,495 Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get 475 00:24:55,578 --> 00:24:57,706 a lube or something? A magazine? 476 00:24:57,956 --> 00:24:59,624 Video? I like Asian teen stuff preferably. 477 00:24:59,708 --> 00:25:00,667 There's lube right there. 478 00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:02,502 All right, yeah, thanks. 479 00:25:07,799 --> 00:25:10,677 Uh, excuse me. Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom? 480 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:12,137 Down that hallway, to the left. 481 00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:13,638 Okay, thanks. 482 00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:21,521 Oh, No way! 483 00:25:22,731 --> 00:25:26,192 Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys store all the, uh, stuff? 484 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:30,030 It's the intermediary station before insemination. 485 00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:31,239 Are you submitting? 486 00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:34,534 No, My friend is, uh, yanking out a sample in one of the rooms. 487 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:36,411 Oh, well, that's a good friend. Yeah. 488 00:25:36,494 --> 00:25:37,537 I'm Dr. Danzer. 489 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:38,705 Oh, cool, 490 00:25:38,788 --> 00:25:42,500 Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer 491 00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:43,668 Yeah, whatever, I don't know. 492 00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:47,547 Now, wait, You look familiar, Are you that teddy bear who came alive? 493 00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:49,049 I am, that's me, yeah. 494 00:25:49,132 --> 00:25:50,175 See, I was trying to figure out 495 00:25:50,258 --> 00:25:51,551 where I'd seen you before and that's it. 496 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:52,719 Good eye, good eye. 497 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:56,222 So, how did you get into this line of work? Do you just love oum? 498 00:25:56,723 --> 00:25:57,724 Uh, uh... 499 00:25:57,807 --> 00:25:59,934 Not especially, but I love helping good people 500 00:26:00,018 --> 00:26:01,811 fulfill their dreams of having children. 501 00:26:01,895 --> 00:26:04,022 It's amazing what we can do here. 502 00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:06,149 You want to have a look? 503 00:26:06,316 --> 00:26:07,776 Yeah, sure. 504 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:13,323 This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. 505 00:26:13,406 --> 00:26:15,366 We can eliminate hereditary diseases, 506 00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:18,620 such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia. 507 00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:20,413 The list goes on and on, really. 508 00:26:20,497 --> 00:26:21,539 Wow. 509 00:26:22,082 --> 00:26:23,750 Hey, Johnny! You did it! 510 00:26:23,833 --> 00:26:24,834 Right here, buddy. 511 00:26:24,959 --> 00:26:26,669 Ew, I mean, awesome! 512 00:26:27,212 --> 00:26:29,047 Excuse me, Doctor, your wife's on the phone. 513 00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,423 She said it's an emergency. 514 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,550 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 515 00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:36,513 You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid? 516 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:37,972 I can see it from here, thanks, yeah. 517 00:26:38,056 --> 00:26:39,432 Dude, take a closer look. It's your kid. 518 00:26:39,516 --> 00:26:40,517 No, no, no! Come on! 519 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,435 You got to take a closer look. That's close enough, Johnny! 520 00:26:42,519 --> 00:26:44,354 He's beautiful, Come on! I'll trade you, Catch. 521 00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:46,147 Oh, shit! Oh, God! 522 00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:47,982 Fuck! Dude, that's somebody's kid! 523 00:26:48,149 --> 00:26:50,443 Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it! 524 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:51,569 We got to find something to scoop it up. 525 00:26:51,653 --> 00:26:53,238 There's containers over there. Scoop it up with that. 526 00:26:53,321 --> 00:26:54,656 Shit, All right. 527 00:26:55,073 --> 00:26:56,116 No, no, that's not gonna work. 528 00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:57,867 You need two of them, you got to scoop one into the other. 529 00:26:58,368 --> 00:26:59,953 Oh, shit! Fuck! 530 00:27:01,204 --> 00:27:02,497 Oh! Oh, fuck! 531 00:27:02,580 --> 00:27:03,581 Oh, my God! 532 00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:04,666 Fuck! Fuck! 533 00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:06,918 Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! 534 00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:08,044 I'm blinking it in! 535 00:27:08,128 --> 00:27:09,379 You got to fucking help me! 536 00:27:09,462 --> 00:27:11,089 Oh, my God! It's in my fucking mouth! 537 00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:12,841 Hang on. I got to post this on Facebook. 538 00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:14,092 No! 539 00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,886 Hashtag "Grr, Mondays. 540 00:27:17,053 --> 00:27:18,930 Oh, my God! 541 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:20,974 Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God, it was an accident. 542 00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:22,183 We're so sorry. 543 00:27:22,517 --> 00:27:26,020 Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples. 544 00:27:26,187 --> 00:27:27,564 Ah, you hear that, Johnny? 545 00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:29,607 You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm. 546 00:27:29,691 --> 00:27:30,984 You look like a Kardashian. 547 00:27:31,192 --> 00:27:32,402 Fuck! 548 00:27:44,747 --> 00:27:46,875 No, make sure you have all the updated 549 00:27:46,958 --> 00:27:48,626 information on our Comic Con placement. 550 00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:52,005 This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout at the convention. 551 00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:53,214 Morning, Mr. Jessup. 552 00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:55,425 Good morning, Now... 553 00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:57,010 My name's Donny. 554 00:27:57,135 --> 00:27:59,387 Hi, Donny. 555 00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:01,181 Now this is a multi-platform release, 556 00:28:01,264 --> 00:28:02,473 so I want a full report on all... 557 00:28:02,557 --> 00:28:03,766 Fresh cakes. 558 00:28:05,810 --> 00:28:06,853 What? 559 00:28:06,936 --> 00:28:08,354 In the urinals, sir. 560 00:28:08,938 --> 00:28:10,940 I noticed you always use urinal four, 561 00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:12,775 so I put fresh cakes in there for you. 562 00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:15,904 You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee. 563 00:28:16,613 --> 00:28:19,449 See, most people flip the cakes. 564 00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:21,701 I replace the cakes. 565 00:28:22,619 --> 00:28:24,746 That's the Donny difference. 566 00:28:26,915 --> 00:28:29,751 I need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise. 567 00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:32,045 Contact Bob Jennings at Javas 568 00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,632 I'm afraid I have bad news. 569 00:28:36,007 --> 00:28:38,760 I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure. 570 00:28:38,927 --> 00:28:40,637 - Wait, what? - Why not? 571 00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:44,807 Tami-Lynn, according to your test results, you're no longer fertile. 572 00:28:44,974 --> 00:28:45,975 What? 573 00:28:46,059 --> 00:28:47,977 Wait, Doc, are you sure about that? 574 00:28:48,144 --> 00:28:50,230 I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know? 575 00:28:50,438 --> 00:28:51,648 I'm quite sure. 576 00:28:51,814 --> 00:28:54,859 Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use 577 00:28:55,526 --> 00:28:58,905 your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. 578 00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:00,949 What are you talking about? It looks fine, Yeah. 579 00:29:01,991 --> 00:29:04,285 Forgive me, that's a normal ovary. 580 00:29:04,369 --> 00:29:05,912 This is Tami-Lynn's. 581 00:29:06,079 --> 00:29:07,247 Jesus! 582 00:29:07,372 --> 00:29:09,624 Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. 583 00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,834 You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right? 584 00:29:12,126 --> 00:29:14,379 No, not once, not ever. 585 00:29:14,545 --> 00:29:17,757 When I saw this, I threw up. Almost quit medicine. 586 00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:20,760 Bottom line is, insemination is not possible. 587 00:29:21,302 --> 00:29:24,430 I don't understand, okay? None of this makes any sense. 588 00:29:24,514 --> 00:29:26,474 It's okay, It's okay, honey. Come on, let's just go. 589 00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:27,976 No, what does this mean, Teddy? 590 00:29:28,059 --> 00:29:29,269 Does it mean we can't have a baby? 591 00:29:29,352 --> 00:29:30,853 I don't know. But it's gonna be okay. 592 00:29:30,937 --> 00:29:32,438 Everything's gonna be okay. 593 00:29:32,605 --> 00:29:33,856 It really isn't. 594 00:29:46,327 --> 00:29:48,579 Well, I have gone through your application 595 00:29:48,663 --> 00:29:50,873 and vetted your personal histories, 596 00:29:52,041 --> 00:29:53,960 and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out. 597 00:29:55,044 --> 00:29:56,129 What? 598 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,380 Why not? 599 00:29:57,463 --> 00:29:59,007 Well, first of all, there's the question 600 00:29:59,090 --> 00:30:00,758 of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction. 601 00:30:00,925 --> 00:30:02,677 Hey, I did my community service. 602 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,388 Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She's clean. 603 00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:07,432 There's another issue, 604 00:30:07,515 --> 00:30:10,560 and, honesty, it's the more serious one. 605 00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,895 I was reluctant to bring it up because 606 00:30:14,188 --> 00:30:15,690 it's a little awkward. 607 00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:20,528 Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person. 608 00:30:21,738 --> 00:30:23,323 Wait, what? 609 00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:26,617 The state official I spoke to said 610 00:30:26,701 --> 00:30:29,829 that technically, you are classified as property. 611 00:30:31,998 --> 00:30:34,417 I'm not a person? 612 00:30:34,834 --> 00:30:37,670 Not according to the government, I'm sorry. 613 00:30:37,754 --> 00:30:39,464 But that is so fucked up! 614 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:41,000 Property? 615 00:30:41,591 --> 00:30:43,593 You know what, Teddy? Let's get out of here. 616 00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:44,844 Come on. 617 00:30:46,471 --> 00:30:47,597 Look. 618 00:30:47,764 --> 00:30:49,557 You seem like good people. 619 00:30:49,724 --> 00:30:50,975 Be careful. 620 00:30:51,142 --> 00:30:53,144 What do you mean, "Be careful? 621 00:30:53,227 --> 00:30:55,188 The state official I spoke to 622 00:30:55,271 --> 00:30:58,900 made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time. 623 00:30:59,442 --> 00:31:02,111 Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. 624 00:31:02,695 --> 00:31:05,448 If they choose to investigate the issue, 625 00:31:05,615 --> 00:31:08,159 it may leave you quite vulnerable. 626 00:31:21,297 --> 00:31:23,758 Hey, I just got off work and heard your message. 627 00:31:23,841 --> 00:31:25,468 Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that? 628 00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:27,261 Yeah, it's unbelievable. "Property. 629 00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:29,055 They said I'm property. 630 00:31:29,305 --> 00:31:31,224 What does that even mean? Like, you're a thing? 631 00:31:31,307 --> 00:31:33,142 What, like garbage or a piece of shit? 632 00:31:33,601 --> 00:31:37,063 I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah. 633 00:31:37,146 --> 00:31:38,356 What the hell do they know? 634 00:31:38,439 --> 00:31:39,482 It's just a word. 635 00:31:39,565 --> 00:31:41,943 They can't change your whole life just by calling you property! 636 00:31:42,026 --> 00:31:44,946 Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors. 637 00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:47,490 One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes 638 00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:49,492 in the river, titties out, you good. 639 00:31:49,659 --> 00:31:51,369 Then all of a sudden, you somewhere 640 00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:53,371 across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson. 641 00:31:53,496 --> 00:31:55,832 Wow! You make history come alive. 642 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,917 Why the hell is this just coming up now? 643 00:31:58,167 --> 00:32:00,169 I mean, I've never voted. 644 00:32:00,336 --> 00:32:02,922 I don't have a driver's license, I don't pay taxes. 645 00:32:03,005 --> 00:32:05,049 I mean, hell, this is the first job I ever had. 646 00:32:06,551 --> 00:32:09,011 Ted, can I see you for a moment? 647 00:32:10,555 --> 00:32:11,681 I'm sorry, 648 00:32:11,764 --> 00:32:13,307 but I'm gonna have to let you go. 649 00:32:13,516 --> 00:32:17,186 What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job for three years! 650 00:32:17,437 --> 00:32:19,689 I just got a call from the Labor Department. 651 00:32:20,690 --> 00:32:22,650 I can't legally keep you on as an employee 652 00:32:22,733 --> 00:32:24,944 because I've been informed that you're technically... 653 00:32:25,027 --> 00:32:28,239 Technically not a person. Yeah, Jesus Christ! 654 00:32:28,781 --> 00:32:32,577 I'm sorry, But as of today, you're fired. 655 00:32:35,997 --> 00:32:38,040 "Dear Ted, your Chase bank account 656 00:32:38,124 --> 00:32:40,251 "has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship. 657 00:32:40,668 --> 00:32:43,212 "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked. 658 00:32:43,296 --> 00:32:46,215 "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member. 659 00:32:46,424 --> 00:32:47,717 Fuck, that's a big one. 660 00:32:47,884 --> 00:32:49,844 This poor baby bootie. 661 00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:54,390 It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here. 662 00:32:54,557 --> 00:32:57,810 I don't understand, We would have made such great parents. 663 00:32:58,978 --> 00:33:00,188 Oh, my God. 664 00:33:00,563 --> 00:33:01,981 Oh, my God, Teddy! 665 00:33:02,064 --> 00:33:03,024 What? What's wrong? 666 00:33:03,107 --> 00:33:04,400 Look at this. 667 00:33:04,567 --> 00:33:05,776 "Dear Ted, 668 00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:08,738 "the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you 669 00:33:08,821 --> 00:33:11,866 "that due to an oversight regarding your legal status 670 00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:16,954 your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state 671 00:33:17,038 --> 00:33:19,957 "and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled. 672 00:33:20,333 --> 00:33:22,126 Teddy, can they do this to us? 673 00:33:22,210 --> 00:33:23,252 Let me see that. 674 00:33:27,089 --> 00:33:28,758 This is a nightmare. 675 00:33:31,928 --> 00:33:33,262 You fucking believe that? 676 00:33:33,429 --> 00:33:35,431 No, This is insane. 677 00:33:35,598 --> 00:33:37,391 I mean, Tami's the woman I love. 678 00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,727 You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog 679 00:33:39,810 --> 00:33:42,021 if I had known it was gonna cause me this kind of shit storm. 680 00:33:42,104 --> 00:33:43,856 This whole thing is complete bullshit. 681 00:33:43,981 --> 00:33:45,983 I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it. 682 00:33:46,526 --> 00:33:48,486 What do you mean? I mean, we get a lawyer. 683 00:33:49,070 --> 00:33:50,363 Oh, my God, Can we do that? 684 00:33:50,488 --> 00:33:51,822 Hell yeah! You know what we do? 685 00:33:51,906 --> 00:33:53,115 We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue 686 00:33:53,199 --> 00:33:54,784 the fucking government for your civil rights! 687 00:33:54,909 --> 00:33:56,744 Johnny, that's a great idea! 688 00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:59,038 Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers 689 00:33:59,121 --> 00:34:01,541 who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded and nice and goes, 690 00:34:01,624 --> 00:34:02,708 "What we're doing is wrong. 691 00:34:02,792 --> 00:34:04,919 Yes, You know what, we get out there and we stick it to them good. 692 00:34:05,002 --> 00:34:07,046 We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to. 693 00:34:07,129 --> 00:34:08,172 Yeah. 694 00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:10,800 But we don't know any lawyers, All our friends make sandwiches. 695 00:34:11,008 --> 00:34:13,302 Ah, Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers. 696 00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:16,931 Jesus, Look at that black cock. 697 00:34:37,076 --> 00:34:38,160 Uh... 698 00:34:38,703 --> 00:34:41,789 This is a very complicated case you have here. 699 00:34:41,872 --> 00:34:46,419 Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles. 700 00:34:46,711 --> 00:34:48,713 Well, everybody says you're the best in town. 701 00:34:48,879 --> 00:34:52,508 Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. 702 00:34:52,675 --> 00:34:54,677 What is your financial situation? 703 00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,930 Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. 704 00:34:58,014 --> 00:35:00,433 Yeah, Reading Railroad, 5&0 Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad. 705 00:35:00,516 --> 00:35:03,644 We're working on Short Line, Urn, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens. 706 00:35:03,728 --> 00:35:05,229 And I own four houses on Baltic Ave. 707 00:35:05,313 --> 00:35:07,315 I was thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel. 708 00:35:07,398 --> 00:35:10,109 I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there. 709 00:35:10,192 --> 00:35:12,111 Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff? 710 00:35:12,403 --> 00:35:13,779 Tell you what, I'm gonna go drive around the blook, 711 00:35:13,863 --> 00:35:15,239 and I'll be back with $200. 712 00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:17,366 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 713 00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:19,619 My niece recently passed her bar exam 714 00:35:19,702 --> 00:35:22,830 and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm. 715 00:35:22,955 --> 00:35:25,291 I could assign her to your case, pro bono. 716 00:35:25,416 --> 00:35:27,209 And then you would get a hungry, young attorney 717 00:35:27,293 --> 00:35:30,546 and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. 718 00:35:30,838 --> 00:35:32,089 So what do you say to that? 719 00:35:32,340 --> 00:35:34,383 Yeah, sure, sounds great. 720 00:35:34,884 --> 00:35:37,178 Um, are those hard candies, like, just to take? 721 00:35:38,095 --> 00:35:39,972 Uh, those aren't supposed to be out. 722 00:35:50,733 --> 00:35:51,734 Hello? 723 00:35:51,901 --> 00:35:53,986 Oh! Fuck! 724 00:35:54,737 --> 00:35:55,738 Hi. 725 00:35:55,821 --> 00:35:56,822 You Okay? 726 00:35:56,906 --> 00:35:58,491 Yeah! I'm fine. 727 00:35:58,574 --> 00:35:59,825 You must be Ted. 728 00:35:59,909 --> 00:36:01,827 Yeah, Uh, I'm Ted, 729 00:36:01,911 --> 00:36:03,329 - this is my buddy, John. - Hi. 730 00:36:03,412 --> 00:36:06,916 Um, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients. 731 00:36:07,249 --> 00:36:10,211 Uh, it's been discussed, 732 00:36:10,711 --> 00:36:12,380 but do you mind if I ask how old you are? 733 00:36:12,546 --> 00:36:14,048 I'm 26. 734 00:36:14,256 --> 00:36:15,257 Ah. 735 00:36:15,508 --> 00:36:16,967 What, is there a problem? 736 00:36:17,051 --> 00:36:19,011 Well, you know, I just don't want my lawyer singing 737 00:36:19,095 --> 00:36:20,846 Frozen songs during the opening arguments. 738 00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:22,682 It's just this is a really important case. 739 00:36:22,765 --> 00:36:25,142 Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled. 740 00:36:25,226 --> 00:36:27,478 I know, My uncle gave me all the details. 741 00:36:27,645 --> 00:36:29,772 Right, You see, the thing is, we don't want to take any chances 742 00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:31,816 because the stakes are so significant. 743 00:36:31,941 --> 00:36:33,109 We can't just rush into anything. 744 00:36:33,192 --> 00:36:34,610 We got to make sure we're making the right decision. 745 00:36:34,694 --> 00:36:36,028 We really appreciate your time, 746 00:36:36,112 --> 00:36:37,321 but I think what we're probably gonna do is 747 00:36:37,405 --> 00:36:38,948 just take a seat and get to work. 748 00:36:39,031 --> 00:36:40,032 Trust you completely. 749 00:36:40,116 --> 00:36:41,492 Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer. 750 00:36:43,911 --> 00:36:44,912 Sorry. 751 00:36:44,995 --> 00:36:46,122 You don't mind the pot, do you? 752 00:36:46,288 --> 00:36:47,331 I get migraines. 753 00:36:47,415 --> 00:36:48,874 Oh, absolutely, me, too. That's fine. 754 00:36:48,958 --> 00:36:51,585 I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes. 755 00:36:51,752 --> 00:36:53,504 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson. 756 00:36:53,671 --> 00:36:55,172 Ted, How are ya? 757 00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:57,049 Good to meet you, John. Nice to meet you. 758 00:36:57,133 --> 00:36:58,676 Wait, wait, wait. What's your middle name? 759 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:00,261 Leslie. 760 00:37:00,511 --> 00:37:03,556 Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson! 761 00:37:03,639 --> 00:37:05,516 That's fucking great! Just like Sam L. Jackson! 762 00:37:05,641 --> 00:37:06,684 Who is that? 763 00:37:06,809 --> 00:37:09,812 You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy. 764 00:37:12,648 --> 00:37:14,108 That weed is really good. 765 00:37:14,191 --> 00:37:15,568 It reminds me of the strain I smoked 766 00:37:15,651 --> 00:37:17,236 last summer called "Here Comes Autism. 767 00:37:17,486 --> 00:37:19,905 Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called 768 00:37:19,989 --> 00:37:21,615 "How Long Has That Van Been There? 769 00:37:21,949 --> 00:37:25,202 No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home. 770 00:37:25,327 --> 00:37:27,455 You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high. 771 00:37:27,538 --> 00:37:28,914 I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting 772 00:37:28,998 --> 00:37:30,458 the War on Drugs and all that shit? 773 00:37:30,708 --> 00:37:32,668 Please, the War on Drugs is a joke. 774 00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:34,086 It's just a way for the government 775 00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,588 to inflate law enforcement budgets 776 00:37:35,671 --> 00:37:38,299 and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. 777 00:37:38,382 --> 00:37:40,968 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority. 778 00:37:41,135 --> 00:37:42,720 Yeah, No shit. 779 00:37:42,803 --> 00:37:45,014 They've denied you the same rights as everybody else 780 00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:46,390 just because you're different, 781 00:37:46,474 --> 00:37:49,101 and I say that's a violation of the Constitution. 782 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:51,687 So what do you say? Can you get me my life back? 783 00:37:55,399 --> 00:37:56,817 I'm gonna try. 784 00:37:57,151 --> 00:37:58,611 Hey, guys? 785 00:37:58,694 --> 00:38:00,780 I'm having some trouble over here. 786 00:38:01,071 --> 00:38:02,072 What's the matter? 787 00:38:03,491 --> 00:38:04,909 Can you help me get home? 788 00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:07,953 I'm having a really hard time here, guys. 789 00:38:08,037 --> 00:38:09,663 Johnny, it's okay, buddy, It's okay. 790 00:38:09,747 --> 00:38:10,915 You're doing fine. You're doing great. 791 00:38:10,998 --> 00:38:11,957 No, I'm scared, All right. 792 00:38:12,041 --> 00:38:13,918 I know, Come on, it's okay, though. 793 00:38:14,001 --> 00:38:15,544 You just have to hang onto the wall. 794 00:38:16,962 --> 00:38:18,380 Don't let the goose get me! 795 00:38:18,881 --> 00:38:20,216 How far away does he live? 796 00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:21,884 Uh, about a mile-and-a-half. 797 00:38:22,092 --> 00:38:23,135 Fuck, okay. 798 00:38:23,219 --> 00:38:26,096 Hey, it's okay, One foot in front of the other. 799 00:38:35,731 --> 00:38:39,109 All right, I got Dred Scott Vs Sandford, Plessy Vs Ferguson 800 00:38:39,193 --> 00:38:40,986 and Brown Vs the Board of Education. 801 00:38:41,070 --> 00:38:45,407 I got Kramer Vs. Kramer, Alien Vs. Predator, and Freddy Vs. Jason. 802 00:38:45,491 --> 00:38:48,786 I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail 803 00:38:48,869 --> 00:38:52,122 and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing. 804 00:39:13,686 --> 00:39:15,521 Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions, Are you ready? 805 00:39:15,604 --> 00:39:16,689 Yep, bring it on. 806 00:39:16,772 --> 00:39:18,399 You're on the stand, the DA says, 807 00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:20,651 "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human? 808 00:39:20,734 --> 00:39:21,861 - Objection! - Sustained! 809 00:39:21,944 --> 00:39:22,945 No, the witness can't object. 810 00:39:23,028 --> 00:39:24,029 - Overruled! - Sidebar? 811 00:39:24,113 --> 00:39:25,072 - Guilty! - Speculation! 812 00:39:25,155 --> 00:39:26,657 - Hearsay! Briefcase! - Bailiff! Disregard! 813 00:39:26,740 --> 00:39:28,242 - In my chambers! - Stop beavering the witness! 814 00:39:28,367 --> 00:39:29,660 - I rest, - We could totally be lawyers. 815 00:39:29,743 --> 00:39:30,744 Bang. 816 00:40:55,871 --> 00:40:58,457 Oh, my God! I'm gonna fall off the building. 817 00:41:04,046 --> 00:41:06,215 Your name is Toby! 818 00:41:06,298 --> 00:41:08,217 You're going to learn to say your name. 819 00:41:08,300 --> 00:41:09,927 Let me hear you say it. 820 00:41:10,761 --> 00:41:12,054 What's your name? 821 00:41:13,347 --> 00:41:15,891 Kunta, Kunta Kinte. 822 00:41:16,350 --> 00:41:19,561 That's just like me, That's exactly what I'm going through. 823 00:41:19,645 --> 00:41:21,063 Well, it's a little different. 824 00:41:21,397 --> 00:41:25,109 You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a last name. 825 00:41:25,567 --> 00:41:28,570 Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, I got one. 826 00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:29,738 Okay, what is it? 827 00:41:30,072 --> 00:41:31,573 Clubber Lang. 828 00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:33,325 Who is Clubber Lang? 829 00:41:33,409 --> 00:41:34,535 Who's Clubber Lang? 830 00:41:34,618 --> 00:41:36,620 Mr. T's character in Rocky Ill, Hello? 831 00:41:37,079 --> 00:41:38,664 Is that the boxing movies? 832 00:41:38,914 --> 00:41:39,873 The boxing... 833 00:41:39,957 --> 00:41:41,667 - You've never seen Rocky? - She's not serious. 834 00:41:41,750 --> 00:41:42,876 You've never seen Rocky? 835 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:43,961 You know... 836 00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:48,924 You know, Rocky! 837 00:41:49,008 --> 00:41:50,676 I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen 838 00:41:50,759 --> 00:41:52,469 just because you're singing a song I don't know. 839 00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:55,139 You don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. 840 00:41:55,222 --> 00:41:57,016 You are literally pop culture illiterate. 841 00:41:57,099 --> 00:41:58,517 I have a college degree. 842 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,020 My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. 843 00:42:01,103 --> 00:42:02,187 Ever heard of any of them? 844 00:42:02,271 --> 00:42:04,732 No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass! 845 00:42:04,815 --> 00:42:06,775 Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated. 846 00:42:06,942 --> 00:42:11,280 Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby? 847 00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:12,906 - Judy Blume? - Hitler? 848 00:42:12,990 --> 00:42:14,199 F. Scott Fitzgerald. 849 00:42:14,283 --> 00:42:15,325 Who's that? 850 00:42:15,617 --> 00:42:16,618 The author. 851 00:42:16,785 --> 00:42:18,203 Why are you saying, "Fuck him? 852 00:42:18,287 --> 00:42:19,246 What? 853 00:42:19,329 --> 00:42:20,706 You just said "F" Scott Fitzgerald." 854 00:42:20,789 --> 00:42:22,499 - What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you? - Yeah. 855 00:42:22,583 --> 00:42:24,293 No, that's his first name. 856 00:42:24,585 --> 00:42:26,253 His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald? 857 00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:27,463 What? No. 858 00:42:27,588 --> 00:42:28,881 Well, then, what's the "F" stand for? 859 00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:29,965 Francis. 860 00:42:30,090 --> 00:42:31,592 - No, It's got to be "Fuck. - It must be "Fuck. 861 00:42:31,675 --> 00:42:33,010 - It's got to be "Fuck. - It has to be "Fuck. 862 00:42:33,093 --> 00:42:34,261 Why the hell would it be "Fuck? 863 00:42:34,344 --> 00:42:36,013 Well, because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it? 864 00:42:36,096 --> 00:42:37,473 Yeah, he's hiding something, It's "Fuck. 865 00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:39,391 - Come on, read between the lines, Sam - It's Fuck. 866 00:42:39,475 --> 00:42:41,643 That's completely insane, you guys are idiots. 867 00:42:41,727 --> 00:42:44,813 Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang, Get used to it. 868 00:42:50,569 --> 00:42:51,612 Yes! 869 00:42:53,489 --> 00:42:54,490 Sir? 870 00:42:54,823 --> 00:42:57,701 Um, one of the janitors would like to see you. 871 00:42:58,160 --> 00:42:59,161 I'm busy. 872 00:42:59,661 --> 00:43:01,288 Fresh cakes! 873 00:43:02,122 --> 00:43:03,165 What is it, Danny? 874 00:43:03,373 --> 00:43:04,583 Uh, Donny, sir. 875 00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:08,087 Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con presentation... 876 00:43:08,170 --> 00:43:10,547 I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro 877 00:43:10,631 --> 00:43:13,175 for new toy ideas from any and all employees? 878 00:43:14,176 --> 00:43:15,969 Yeah, I suppose that's true. 879 00:43:17,179 --> 00:43:18,514 All right, come in. 880 00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:20,140 Okay. 881 00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:22,851 Thank you, Thank you. I love your dress. 882 00:43:28,982 --> 00:43:30,192 Mr. Jessup, 883 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:32,820 I can make this company a billion dollars. 884 00:43:33,195 --> 00:43:34,363 I'm listening. 885 00:43:35,489 --> 00:43:36,532 Thirty years ago, 886 00:43:36,698 --> 00:43:38,992 a little boy named John Bennett made a wish 887 00:43:39,076 --> 00:43:41,328 that his teddy bear would come to life. 888 00:43:41,495 --> 00:43:43,747 Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears... 889 00:43:43,831 --> 00:43:45,541 Yes, I'm aware of the story. 890 00:43:47,376 --> 00:43:49,086 Have you seen this? 891 00:43:54,258 --> 00:43:55,342 So what? 892 00:43:55,425 --> 00:43:58,595 Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. 893 00:43:58,762 --> 00:44:01,640 If he loses, the state will officially declare him 894 00:44:01,723 --> 00:44:04,351 a non-entity with no rights under the law. 895 00:44:04,893 --> 00:44:07,020 That means he becomes property. 896 00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:08,647 Mr. Jessup, 897 00:44:09,690 --> 00:44:13,902 we could take him back, with only a trivial degree of legal consequence 898 00:44:13,986 --> 00:44:15,529 if we were even caught. 899 00:44:15,737 --> 00:44:17,322 And why would we do this? 900 00:44:17,406 --> 00:44:22,411 Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, 901 00:44:22,578 --> 00:44:26,707 we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. 902 00:44:26,832 --> 00:44:29,418 Hasbro would double its profits overnight. 903 00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:31,545 Go on. 904 00:44:31,628 --> 00:44:34,423 We just have to make sure Ted loses the case. 905 00:44:34,631 --> 00:44:37,676 You use every back channel, every bribe, 906 00:44:37,801 --> 00:44:39,052 you call in every favor 907 00:44:39,136 --> 00:44:43,432 and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. 908 00:44:43,932 --> 00:44:46,977 When Ted's rights are officially null, 909 00:44:48,437 --> 00:44:49,897 we grab him. 910 00:44:51,315 --> 00:44:54,401 No one's going to kick up a legal fuss over property. 911 00:44:55,110 --> 00:44:58,322 You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny. 912 00:44:58,780 --> 00:44:59,948 Really? 913 00:45:00,115 --> 00:45:02,451 Now, what exactly do you want from this? 914 00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,913 Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money. 915 00:45:08,332 --> 00:45:10,667 I just want a Ted for my very own. 916 00:45:11,835 --> 00:45:14,963 All right, I think I can handle the defense. 917 00:45:15,964 --> 00:45:17,549 But let's make one thing clear. 918 00:45:17,633 --> 00:45:19,301 We never had this conversation. 919 00:45:19,551 --> 00:45:22,971 Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. 920 00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:24,890 Do you understand? 921 00:45:24,973 --> 00:45:26,308 Yes, I do. 922 00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:31,855 I need Shep Wild. 923 00:45:34,691 --> 00:45:37,277 That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. 924 00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:39,238 I've never had Pringles on my steak before. 925 00:45:39,321 --> 00:45:40,489 Oh, it's my pleasure. 926 00:45:40,572 --> 00:45:43,951 It's the least I can do with all you're doing for us, Really. 927 00:45:44,034 --> 00:45:46,286 Oh, I haven't done anything yet. 928 00:45:46,370 --> 00:45:48,080 Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner, 929 00:45:48,163 --> 00:45:52,167 but, uh, all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody will hire me. 930 00:45:52,251 --> 00:45:53,710 Things are getting really tight, huh? 931 00:45:53,835 --> 00:45:56,213 Yeah, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. 932 00:45:56,505 --> 00:45:59,883 BJs here! Get your BJs! Get your red-hot BJs! 933 00:45:59,967 --> 00:46:02,761 Toothless and ready to go. Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar! 934 00:46:02,844 --> 00:46:04,179 Get your BJs here. 935 00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:05,722 Wow. 936 00:46:05,806 --> 00:46:07,057 Hey, listen, l got an idea. 937 00:46:07,140 --> 00:46:09,685 Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes 938 00:46:09,768 --> 00:46:12,312 and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, eh'? 939 00:46:12,646 --> 00:46:14,856 All right, all right. 940 00:46:15,148 --> 00:46:17,567 Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch! 941 00:46:19,194 --> 00:46:20,612 What do you think that was about? 942 00:46:20,904 --> 00:46:22,948 Oh, it's nothing, That's his way of saying I should ask you out. 943 00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:24,074 Ah. 944 00:46:24,157 --> 00:46:25,242 Uh, yeah, look... 945 00:46:25,325 --> 00:46:27,953 We should probably focus our attention on the case for now. 946 00:46:28,036 --> 00:46:29,663 I completely agree. 947 00:46:30,706 --> 00:46:34,793 You know, l am a little bit curious, How is it that a guy like you is unattached? 948 00:46:35,919 --> 00:46:40,382 Well, I was married at one point, but it just didn't work out. 949 00:46:40,549 --> 00:46:42,718 Shits, I'm sorry, That sucks. 950 00:46:42,884 --> 00:46:46,346 No, I mean, we'd make it work day to day, 951 00:46:46,805 --> 00:46:48,432 but she was always just trying to change me 952 00:46:48,515 --> 00:46:49,725 into someone I'm not. 953 00:46:49,891 --> 00:46:51,601 And I tried, you know? 954 00:46:52,436 --> 00:46:55,897 I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. 955 00:46:56,398 --> 00:46:59,985 One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn't myself anymore. 956 00:47:00,819 --> 00:47:04,906 You know, as much as I love this person, we're completely wrong for each other. 957 00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,826 At least you figured it out early. 958 00:47:08,118 --> 00:47:09,661 Some people go through their whole lives 959 00:47:09,745 --> 00:47:11,580 trying to make it work with the wrong person. 960 00:47:12,164 --> 00:47:13,415 Yeah. 961 00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:16,126 So, we're gonna win this thing? 962 00:47:16,585 --> 00:47:18,462 Honestly, I don't know. 963 00:47:18,837 --> 00:47:20,339 Oh, we're betting on you. 964 00:47:21,131 --> 00:47:23,550 Hey, Johnny, come on, It's almost 7:00. We got to get up there. 965 00:47:23,633 --> 00:47:24,926 Hey, Sam, you want in on this? 966 00:47:25,010 --> 00:47:26,053 What is it? 967 00:47:26,136 --> 00:47:29,139 On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up and throw apples at joggers. 968 00:47:33,310 --> 00:47:34,353 Oh, there's one! 969 00:47:36,021 --> 00:47:37,397 - How's your workout? - Fuck you! 970 00:47:37,481 --> 00:47:39,358 Eat my pussy! Have some apples! 971 00:47:39,441 --> 00:47:40,942 Jesus, what the hell is your problem? 972 00:47:41,443 --> 00:47:43,653 It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker! 973 00:47:44,071 --> 00:47:45,155 Barn! 974 00:47:45,238 --> 00:47:47,407 You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your... 975 00:47:50,660 --> 00:47:52,788 That's the lottery! That's the lottery! 976 00:47:52,871 --> 00:47:55,499 That's what you get for fucking exercising! 977 00:47:55,957 --> 00:47:57,709 That is unbelievable! 978 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,245 Teddy. 979 00:48:34,329 --> 00:48:35,747 Teddy, I'm scared. 980 00:48:35,831 --> 00:48:37,082 Baby, we're gonna be fine. 981 00:48:37,165 --> 00:48:40,377 I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says, You're my wife. 982 00:48:40,752 --> 00:48:42,504 I love you so much. 983 00:48:42,587 --> 00:48:43,839 And I swear to God, if we lose, 984 00:48:43,922 --> 00:48:45,507 I'm gonna fucking cut that judge. 985 00:48:45,674 --> 00:48:47,217 Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade? 986 00:48:47,300 --> 00:48:48,301 Yeah. 987 00:48:48,385 --> 00:48:50,762 But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it? 988 00:48:50,846 --> 00:48:52,264 Oh! 989 00:48:53,515 --> 00:48:54,558 Hey, Sam. 990 00:48:55,350 --> 00:48:56,935 Who's that buttnut over there? 991 00:48:59,396 --> 00:49:02,524 That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild. 992 00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:04,359 It's our bad luck they put him on the trial. 993 00:49:05,026 --> 00:49:06,820 He's never lost a case in his life. 994 00:49:07,446 --> 00:49:11,158 Mr. Wild, your opening statement, if you please. 995 00:49:11,450 --> 00:49:12,826 Thank you, Your Honor. 996 00:49:13,743 --> 00:49:16,538 I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury 997 00:49:16,913 --> 00:49:19,708 for taking time out of their busy schedules 998 00:49:20,125 --> 00:49:21,960 to be a part of these proceedings. 999 00:49:22,419 --> 00:49:27,632 Now, the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one. 1000 00:49:28,008 --> 00:49:30,260 Is Ted a human being? 1001 00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:32,304 Or a piece of property? 1002 00:49:33,138 --> 00:49:38,935 You know, it really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. 1003 00:49:39,644 --> 00:49:43,523 It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species. 1004 00:49:43,982 --> 00:49:45,025 Us. 1005 00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:48,445 But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, 1006 00:49:49,446 --> 00:49:50,906 where does that lead us? 1007 00:49:51,573 --> 00:49:53,575 Does your dog deserve human rights? 1008 00:49:54,075 --> 00:49:55,368 Your cat? 1009 00:49:55,452 --> 00:49:56,870 Your toaster? 1010 00:50:00,081 --> 00:50:03,293 Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? 1011 00:50:04,461 --> 00:50:07,172 I'm confident you'll make the right decision. 1012 00:50:08,215 --> 00:50:10,967 Thank you, Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. 1013 00:50:11,343 --> 00:50:12,552 Ms. Jackson? 1014 00:50:18,475 --> 00:50:19,684 Hi. 1015 00:50:20,602 --> 00:50:22,479 I am Samantha Jackson. 1016 00:50:22,938 --> 00:50:25,148 I got to be honest with you, I'm... 1017 00:50:25,941 --> 00:50:27,859 I'm a little nervous. 1018 00:50:28,318 --> 00:50:29,986 Why am I nervous? Um... 1019 00:50:31,071 --> 00:50:34,616 Well, not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case. 1020 00:50:35,283 --> 00:50:36,868 And not because some of you might laugh 1021 00:50:36,952 --> 00:50:39,663 at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear. 1022 00:50:42,457 --> 00:50:46,753 No, I'm... I'm nervous because of one simple word. 1023 00:50:49,214 --> 00:50:50,465 "Justice. 1024 00:50:51,383 --> 00:50:56,054 I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed 1025 00:50:56,221 --> 00:50:59,224 by smooth talk and a haircut, 1026 00:50:59,474 --> 00:51:03,603 and forget about the most important aspect of this case. 1027 00:51:04,980 --> 00:51:06,147 Justice. 1028 00:51:07,899 --> 00:51:09,276 A hundred and fifty years ago 1029 00:51:09,401 --> 00:51:11,736 a slave by the name of Dred Scott 1030 00:51:11,820 --> 00:51:15,407 sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. 1031 00:51:15,865 --> 00:51:17,325 He lost. 1032 00:51:17,576 --> 00:51:21,580 And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice. 1033 00:51:23,873 --> 00:51:26,543 In every civil rights conflict, 1034 00:51:27,210 --> 00:51:31,256 we are only able to recognize the just point of view 1035 00:51:31,339 --> 00:51:33,174 years after the fact. 1036 00:51:33,675 --> 00:51:35,844 And when the next conflict comes along, 1037 00:51:36,011 --> 00:51:39,014 we're once again blind to it as it's happening. 1038 00:51:40,015 --> 00:51:43,435 "Well, this is different," we say, but it isn't. 1039 00:51:44,603 --> 00:51:47,772 It is the same beast, just wearing a different face, 1040 00:51:47,856 --> 00:51:49,482 and it's happening again today. 1041 00:51:51,026 --> 00:51:54,237 So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 1042 00:51:54,404 --> 00:51:57,532 not to be a footnote on the wrong side of history. 1043 00:52:00,201 --> 00:52:02,370 Don't wait too long to be right. 1044 00:52:04,039 --> 00:52:05,123 Thank you. 1045 00:52:09,210 --> 00:52:10,211 Erection. 1046 00:52:10,378 --> 00:52:11,921 Sustained. 1047 00:52:14,549 --> 00:52:17,552 Ms. Mc.Cafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child. 1048 00:52:17,636 --> 00:52:18,678 Is that correct? 1049 00:52:19,054 --> 00:52:20,096 Yeah. 1050 00:52:20,513 --> 00:52:21,806 And if I may inquire, 1051 00:52:21,890 --> 00:52:24,142 why did you not choose to have a child of your own? 1052 00:52:24,851 --> 00:52:26,353 Because Teddy ain't got no dick. 1053 00:52:30,106 --> 00:52:31,149 Uh-huh. 1054 00:52:31,232 --> 00:52:35,945 And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? 1055 00:52:36,404 --> 00:52:37,781 Is it a freak of genetics? 1056 00:52:38,073 --> 00:52:40,492 No, asshole, he ain't got a dick because he's a fucking toy! 1057 00:52:40,575 --> 00:52:41,618 What's your excuse? 1058 00:52:41,743 --> 00:52:43,370 Whoa-ho! Take a burn! 1059 00:52:43,453 --> 00:52:45,914 Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter? 1060 00:52:45,997 --> 00:52:47,207 Yeah! How'd you... What? 1061 00:52:47,332 --> 00:52:49,042 Order! 1062 00:52:50,251 --> 00:52:51,336 Mr. Bennett, 1063 00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:55,090 how would you categorize your relationship with Ted? 1064 00:52:56,007 --> 00:52:57,258 He's my best friend. 1065 00:52:57,676 --> 00:52:59,761 So you don't see him as your property. 1066 00:53:00,095 --> 00:53:02,722 No, he's not my property. He's a person. 1067 00:53:02,806 --> 00:53:04,808 He's way more of a person than lots of other people. 1068 00:53:04,891 --> 00:53:06,267 I mean, fucking Steven Tyler? 1069 00:53:06,351 --> 00:53:07,602 What the fuck is that? Some kind of 1070 00:53:07,686 --> 00:53:09,270 weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster? 1071 00:53:09,354 --> 00:53:10,855 - Your Honor? - I'll allow it. 1072 00:53:11,189 --> 00:53:12,649 Thank you, Your Honor. 1073 00:53:13,316 --> 00:53:14,776 Your witness. 1074 00:53:18,279 --> 00:53:19,489 Mr. Bennett, 1075 00:53:20,365 --> 00:53:22,617 when and where did you first encounter Ted? 1076 00:53:23,118 --> 00:53:25,453 Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid. 1077 00:53:25,578 --> 00:53:27,664 A-ha, they got him. 1078 00:53:29,207 --> 00:53:30,625 Where did they get him? 1079 00:53:33,461 --> 00:53:34,713 Child World toy store. 1080 00:53:34,796 --> 00:53:36,715 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that. Could you repeat that, please? 1081 00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:38,425 Child World toy store. You fucking heard me. 1082 00:53:38,508 --> 00:53:39,884 There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett. 1083 00:53:39,968 --> 00:53:41,261 Why? Nobody here likes you! 1084 00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:43,388 I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser! 1085 00:53:43,471 --> 00:53:44,556 - Your Honor? - Mr. Bennett. 1086 00:53:44,639 --> 00:53:46,015 I hope your kids get bird flu! 1087 00:53:46,141 --> 00:53:47,142 Mr. Bennett! 1088 00:53:47,225 --> 00:53:48,226 I'm sorry. 1089 00:53:48,476 --> 00:53:51,521 Now, you said your parents purchased Ted, 1090 00:53:51,688 --> 00:53:54,983 as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel. 1091 00:53:55,066 --> 00:53:56,234 No, it's not like that! 1092 00:53:56,317 --> 00:53:57,318 Objection! 1093 00:53:57,402 --> 00:53:58,611 You can't do that! 1094 00:53:58,695 --> 00:53:59,904 You know what? This is bullshit! 1095 00:53:59,988 --> 00:54:01,740 This court is trying to tell me 1096 00:54:01,823 --> 00:54:03,199 that I'm not as good as other people, 1097 00:54:03,324 --> 00:54:05,493 and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags! 1098 00:54:05,577 --> 00:54:06,578 Ted! 1099 00:54:06,661 --> 00:54:07,620 Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos. 1100 00:54:07,704 --> 00:54:09,247 This is exactly what you've been doing 1101 00:54:09,330 --> 00:54:10,832 to the homos, and I say it's wrong! 1102 00:54:10,915 --> 00:54:13,501 Ms. Jackson, please control your client 1103 00:54:13,585 --> 00:54:15,670 or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court! 1104 00:54:15,754 --> 00:54:16,838 Oh, piss off! 1105 00:54:16,921 --> 00:54:19,591 I'm standing up for rne and I'm standing up for the homos! 1106 00:54:19,674 --> 00:54:20,759 We deserve respect! 1107 00:54:20,842 --> 00:54:21,843 Ted, shut up! 1108 00:54:21,968 --> 00:54:23,219 Fine. 1109 00:54:32,479 --> 00:54:34,939 Your Honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubber Lang to the stand. 1110 00:54:35,023 --> 00:54:36,024 Yes! 1111 00:54:36,316 --> 00:54:38,276 My turn, assholes! 1112 00:54:43,490 --> 00:54:44,532 Ted, 1113 00:54:45,283 --> 00:54:46,493 do you love your wife? 1114 00:54:46,576 --> 00:54:49,704 Objection, She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled. 1115 00:54:49,913 --> 00:54:51,372 I'll rephrase. 1116 00:54:52,499 --> 00:54:53,958 Do you love Tami-Lynn? 1117 00:54:54,375 --> 00:54:57,462 I love my wife, Okay? My wife. 1118 00:54:57,545 --> 00:54:58,963 More than anything in the world. 1119 00:54:59,047 --> 00:55:01,257 We're married, I don't care what anybody says. 1120 00:55:01,674 --> 00:55:05,220 So you're saying you are capable of feeling love. 1121 00:55:05,595 --> 00:55:06,763 Yeah. 1122 00:55:07,096 --> 00:55:08,723 Hey, it must be weird for you guys, 1123 00:55:08,807 --> 00:55:10,183 having a doll up here on the stand 1124 00:55:10,266 --> 00:55:12,477 with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him, huh? 1125 00:55:13,770 --> 00:55:14,938 Yeah, no, yeah, no. 1126 00:55:15,021 --> 00:55:17,982 Yeah, lam capable. I love a lot of stuff, Yeah. 1127 00:55:18,566 --> 00:55:22,695 Ted, do you believe you have a soul? 1128 00:55:24,072 --> 00:55:26,449 What did you think 1129 00:55:26,866 --> 00:55:29,452 I would do at this moment 1130 00:55:29,911 --> 00:55:32,747 When you're standing before me 1131 00:55:32,831 --> 00:55:35,542 With tears in your eyes 1132 00:55:36,334 --> 00:55:37,669 That answer your question? 1133 00:55:37,752 --> 00:55:39,212 Objection, Your Honor? 1134 00:55:39,420 --> 00:55:41,172 Overruled! 1135 00:55:41,339 --> 00:55:44,467 A-ha! What it is, man! Dynomite. 1136 00:55:44,759 --> 00:55:46,594 Ted, Right, right. Sorry, sorry. 1137 00:55:47,762 --> 00:55:50,807 Look, I'm not a scientist, okay? 1138 00:55:51,432 --> 00:55:54,769 I don't know exactly what makes a person a person. 1139 00:55:54,936 --> 00:55:57,397 All I know is I feel stuff. 1140 00:55:57,897 --> 00:55:59,274 Just like all you guys. 1141 00:56:00,358 --> 00:56:02,777 And I don't think I ought to be treated any different. 1142 00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:08,283 Capable of love. 1143 00:56:09,450 --> 00:56:11,494 Aware of his own consciousness. 1144 00:56:14,289 --> 00:56:15,999 Seems pretty human to me. 1145 00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:18,877 No further questions. 1146 00:56:19,586 --> 00:56:20,628 Mr. Kidder, 1147 00:56:20,879 --> 00:56:25,133 you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct? 1148 00:56:25,300 --> 00:56:28,219 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears. 1149 00:56:28,678 --> 00:56:30,221 And what is that stuffing made of? 1150 00:56:30,305 --> 00:56:32,724 A synthetic cotton-poly blend. 1151 00:56:32,891 --> 00:56:34,559 Is there anything else in there? 1152 00:56:34,893 --> 00:56:38,813 The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest 1153 00:56:39,147 --> 00:56:42,275 which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases. 1154 00:56:43,818 --> 00:56:44,819 Hmm. 1155 00:56:47,906 --> 00:56:48,990 Ted, 1156 00:56:49,991 --> 00:56:51,743 would you please press your chest? 1157 00:56:53,953 --> 00:56:54,996 What? 1158 00:56:55,455 --> 00:56:58,166 Please follow the instruction, Mr. Clubber Lang. 1159 00:57:03,338 --> 00:57:04,839 I love you! 1160 00:57:15,224 --> 00:57:16,601 No further questions. 1161 00:57:19,354 --> 00:57:21,189 Also in the news, a pending court case 1162 00:57:21,314 --> 00:57:23,358 is beginning to get national attention 1163 00:57:23,441 --> 00:57:25,401 for its civil rights ramifications. 1164 00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:27,403 Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember 1165 00:57:27,487 --> 00:57:30,990 came to life back in the mid-'80s right here in Boston, 1166 00:57:31,157 --> 00:57:34,160 is suing to prove he is indeed a person. 1167 00:57:34,452 --> 00:57:36,955 Okay, so what are we even talking about here? 1168 00:57:37,038 --> 00:57:40,917 What we're talking about is a civil rights issue, This bear has rights. 1169 00:57:41,000 --> 00:57:42,961 Oh, come on! He does not! He's a toy. 1170 00:57:43,044 --> 00:57:44,545 Then why are you calling it a "he"? 1171 00:57:44,629 --> 00:57:46,965 Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she, 1172 00:57:47,048 --> 00:57:50,385 but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel. 1173 00:57:50,468 --> 00:57:51,511 Oh, good point. 1174 00:57:51,552 --> 00:57:54,973 Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient, He is, Mmm-hmm. 1175 00:57:55,223 --> 00:57:56,265 Now, come on! 1176 00:57:56,349 --> 00:57:57,976 Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me 1177 00:57:58,059 --> 00:57:59,769 that this stuffed doll is a person? 1178 00:57:59,852 --> 00:58:00,812 - No. - Not at all. 1179 00:58:00,895 --> 00:58:02,063 We all agree all the time. 1180 00:58:02,146 --> 00:58:04,482 I don't think he should want to be considered a person. 1181 00:58:04,565 --> 00:58:06,442 After all, you know, Ted spent many years 1182 00:58:06,526 --> 00:58:08,319 sleeping and cuddling with a child. 1183 00:58:08,403 --> 00:58:10,238 That's cute when you're a stuffed animal. 1184 00:58:10,321 --> 00:58:12,323 When you're a person, that's a felony. 1185 00:58:14,242 --> 00:58:17,203 Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense? 1186 00:58:17,578 --> 00:58:21,958 I am not an animal! 1187 00:58:25,503 --> 00:58:26,754 You see, your Honor? 1188 00:58:26,838 --> 00:58:28,172 He's not an animal. 1189 00:58:36,556 --> 00:58:39,100 I'm sorry, your Honor. I'm on my period. 1190 00:58:39,767 --> 00:58:45,273 And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! 1191 00:59:02,790 --> 00:59:04,709 What is taking them so long? 1192 00:59:04,792 --> 00:59:06,586 Oh, is it bad that they're taking this long? 1193 00:59:06,669 --> 00:59:08,296 It's not good or bad. lt just means 1194 00:59:08,379 --> 00:59:09,839 that they're probably having a debate. 1195 00:59:10,298 --> 00:59:12,675 Johnny, it may be time to play the Betelgeuse card. 1196 00:59:12,759 --> 00:59:13,760 What do you mean? 1197 00:59:13,843 --> 00:59:15,428 I mean saying his name three times. 1198 00:59:15,511 --> 00:59:16,554 What? 1199 00:59:16,637 --> 00:59:17,805 Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse. 1200 00:59:17,889 --> 00:59:18,973 Shut up! 1201 00:59:19,140 --> 00:59:20,391 You fucking crazy? We don't want 1202 00:59:20,475 --> 00:59:21,642 that guy running around in here. 1203 00:59:21,726 --> 00:59:22,894 No, Johnny, he'll be on our side. 1204 00:59:22,977 --> 00:59:24,312 He'll help us. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse... 1205 00:59:24,395 --> 00:59:26,981 You are meddling with powers you do not understand. 1206 00:59:27,065 --> 00:59:28,149 Cut the shit. 1207 00:59:40,328 --> 00:59:41,412 Please be seated. 1208 00:59:44,290 --> 00:59:47,085 Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict? 1209 00:59:47,335 --> 00:59:49,170 Yes, we have, your Honor. 1210 00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:53,925 Um, 'm the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 1211 00:59:54,050 --> 00:59:59,347 we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth in that Ted is not a person. 1212 01:00:11,651 --> 01:00:12,693 Very well. 1213 01:00:12,902 --> 01:00:15,738 The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. 1214 01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:18,866 The definition entails the rights there of 1215 01:00:18,950 --> 01:00:21,410 and will be recognized in the terms set 1216 01:00:21,494 --> 01:00:23,871 by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. 1217 01:00:23,955 --> 01:00:27,041 The court wishes to thank the jury for its service. 1218 01:00:34,215 --> 01:00:36,134 Are you sure you can get him? 1219 01:00:36,300 --> 01:00:38,219 Remember, you're on your own out there. 1220 01:00:38,302 --> 01:00:40,179 Hasbro can have no connection to this. 1221 01:00:40,346 --> 01:00:41,848 Oh, I'll get him. 1222 01:00:42,306 --> 01:00:44,392 And when I have him, I'll call you with the code phrase. 1223 01:00:45,726 --> 01:00:47,353 Do you remember what it is? 1224 01:00:47,728 --> 01:00:48,938 Yes, I remember it. 1225 01:00:49,105 --> 01:00:50,356 Should we say it just for safety? 1226 01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:51,440 No, that's not necessary. 1227 01:00:51,524 --> 01:00:52,483 Say it, Just say it. Say it. 1228 01:00:52,567 --> 01:00:53,734 I don't want to. I don't have to. 1229 01:00:53,860 --> 01:00:54,902 Fresh cakes. 1230 01:00:55,820 --> 01:00:57,071 Fresh cakes. 1231 01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:07,498 This isn't fucking fair. 1232 01:01:07,665 --> 01:01:09,500 Teddy's a good man. 1233 01:01:09,917 --> 01:01:12,461 Why is he being treated differently than everybody else? 1234 01:01:12,879 --> 01:01:15,089 It's what this country does best. 1235 01:01:15,173 --> 01:01:17,175 Putting different people into little groups 1236 01:01:17,258 --> 01:01:18,634 and making them watch Tyler Perry. 1237 01:01:18,718 --> 01:01:19,927 It's wrong! 1238 01:01:21,304 --> 01:01:22,680 I'm so sorry, baby. 1239 01:01:22,930 --> 01:01:26,267 No, I'm sorry! I thought I'd built a better case. 1240 01:01:26,475 --> 01:01:27,518 It's just... 1241 01:01:27,602 --> 01:01:29,854 The reality is you have a really shitty lawyer. 1242 01:01:29,979 --> 01:01:31,022 Hey, come on. 1243 01:01:31,105 --> 01:01:33,774 Nobody's blaming you for this. You did everything you could. 1244 01:01:33,900 --> 01:01:35,943 I... I'm sitting here 1245 01:01:36,027 --> 01:01:38,362 and I... I can't believe it's official. 1246 01:01:38,821 --> 01:01:40,364 Oh, so what are we gonna do now? 1247 01:01:40,448 --> 01:01:43,284 I mean, we can't take this lying down, right? We got to do something. 1248 01:01:44,076 --> 01:01:46,787 You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan. 1249 01:01:46,954 --> 01:01:48,039 Who's that? 1250 01:01:48,331 --> 01:01:51,000 He is the top civil rights attorney in America. 1251 01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:53,544 Wait, Is he the one who got that female midget into the Marines? 1252 01:01:53,628 --> 01:01:54,629 Yeah. 1253 01:01:54,712 --> 01:01:56,047 Yeah, that had a sad ending though, you remember? 1254 01:01:56,130 --> 01:01:57,506 She was at a Veterans Day parade, 1255 01:01:57,590 --> 01:01:58,841 and somebody handed her a bunch of balloons 1256 01:01:58,925 --> 01:02:00,092 and... gone! 1257 01:02:00,301 --> 01:02:02,261 It was very sad. Very sad for the family. 1258 01:02:02,428 --> 01:02:04,889 You know what? If anyone oan get this verdict overturned, it's him. 1259 01:02:04,972 --> 01:02:06,057 He's not cheap, 1260 01:02:06,140 --> 01:02:08,226 but we've become such a high profile case, 1261 01:02:08,309 --> 01:02:10,561 l feel like he might take it pro bono. 1262 01:02:10,645 --> 01:02:12,063 He's a sucker for media. 1263 01:02:15,858 --> 01:02:17,568 Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh? 1264 01:02:17,652 --> 01:02:19,153 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1265 01:02:20,321 --> 01:02:22,907 Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Meighan. This is Samantha Jackson. 1266 01:02:22,990 --> 01:02:26,327 I defended Ted Clubber Lang in Ted Vs Massachusetts. 1267 01:02:27,245 --> 01:02:28,246 Hey! 1268 01:02:28,329 --> 01:02:32,375 Hi, Mr. Meighan. Thank you so much for taking my call. 1269 01:02:34,168 --> 01:02:36,921 Oh, you've been following the case, That's great. 1270 01:02:37,964 --> 01:02:39,840 Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling. 1271 01:02:39,924 --> 01:02:41,759 Yeah, I was wondering 1272 01:02:41,842 --> 01:02:46,180 if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. 1273 01:02:48,057 --> 01:02:52,019 Well, yeah, I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation 1274 01:02:52,103 --> 01:02:54,272 because we're not really working with much money. 1275 01:02:54,355 --> 01:02:56,565 But I think you'll be impressed with my client. 1276 01:02:56,649 --> 01:02:58,442 Oh! Ha-ha! Motherfucker! 1277 01:02:58,526 --> 01:02:59,777 Sure. 1278 01:02:59,860 --> 01:03:03,155 Yeah, great. Okay, Thank you so much! 1279 01:03:03,239 --> 01:03:05,574 Okay, I'll see you then, bye. 1280 01:03:05,866 --> 01:03:07,034 Oh, my God! 1281 01:03:07,118 --> 01:03:08,995 He said he'll meet with us on Friday at 9:00 a.m. 1282 01:03:09,078 --> 01:03:10,496 at his office in New York. 1283 01:03:10,579 --> 01:03:11,789 Is he gonna take the case? 1284 01:03:11,872 --> 01:03:13,916 I don't want to jinx it, but I think so. 1285 01:03:14,083 --> 01:03:16,210 Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny? 1286 01:03:16,294 --> 01:03:17,503 - I still get a shot! - Yes! 1287 01:03:17,586 --> 01:03:19,213 Oh, my God! We got to celebrate! 1288 01:03:19,380 --> 01:03:20,464 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1289 01:03:20,548 --> 01:03:22,883 Let's go down to the improv and yell sad suggestions? 1290 01:03:22,967 --> 01:03:23,968 Fuck yeah! 1291 01:03:24,051 --> 01:03:27,054 So first we need a historical event. Who's got an event? 1292 01:03:27,221 --> 01:03:28,222 911. 1293 01:03:28,389 --> 01:03:30,891 Okay, maybe something else. 1294 01:03:31,058 --> 01:03:32,643 All right, let's start with a person. 1295 01:03:32,727 --> 01:03:33,811 Robin Williams! 1296 01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:37,189 Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real. Who's got a person? 1297 01:03:37,273 --> 01:03:39,150 Robin Williams on 911. 1298 01:03:39,233 --> 01:03:40,985 All right, we've heard from these guys. 1299 01:03:41,068 --> 01:03:43,821 Let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. 1300 01:03:43,904 --> 01:03:45,698 How about a location? Let's go with a location. 1301 01:03:45,781 --> 01:03:47,742 The offices of Charlie Hebdo. 1302 01:03:48,034 --> 01:03:50,911 Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location. 1303 01:03:50,995 --> 01:03:52,204 Ferguson, Missouri. 1304 01:03:52,288 --> 01:03:53,664 Germanwings cockpit. 1305 01:03:53,831 --> 01:03:55,791 - Okay, I heard "Starbucks. - No, you didn't. 1306 01:03:55,875 --> 01:03:57,043 Nobody said Starbucks. 1307 01:03:57,126 --> 01:04:00,254 All right, Starbucks, Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks? 1308 01:04:00,421 --> 01:04:01,589 Bill Cosby. 1309 01:04:01,756 --> 01:04:02,923 You people are monsters. 1310 01:04:03,174 --> 01:04:04,675 We're giving you the tools, buddy. 1311 01:04:04,759 --> 01:04:06,260 Come on, make some fucking comedy. 1312 01:04:17,605 --> 01:04:19,648 All right, We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. 1313 01:04:19,815 --> 01:04:21,817 I love you so much, Teddy. 1314 01:04:21,984 --> 01:04:25,321 You go kick some ass because I am not taking off this wedding ring. 1315 01:04:25,488 --> 01:04:28,616 I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon. 1316 01:05:13,202 --> 01:05:15,204 If you wanna sit there with a pie of meat 1317 01:05:15,287 --> 01:05:17,498 Just fuck your own brother in the front seat 1318 01:05:17,581 --> 01:05:20,376 Oh, why can't you just say please? 1319 01:05:20,459 --> 01:05:22,962 Hey! Must be the money 1320 01:05:23,671 --> 01:05:26,257 Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says Arizona State? 1321 01:05:26,340 --> 01:05:27,716 Because that's where I went to school. 1322 01:05:27,842 --> 01:05:29,885 What, you went to Arizona State? 1323 01:05:29,969 --> 01:05:30,970 Yeah, why? 1324 01:05:31,053 --> 01:05:33,097 Oh, man, that's why we lost the case. 1325 01:05:33,180 --> 01:05:34,265 - Hello? - You're dicks. 1326 01:05:34,348 --> 01:05:37,601 Arizona State. Hey, how many times you been fucked on a houseboat? 1327 01:05:39,770 --> 01:05:40,855 Oh, come on. 1328 01:05:40,938 --> 01:05:42,106 Did you write your dissertation 1329 01:05:42,189 --> 01:05:44,525 on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull? 1330 01:05:44,692 --> 01:05:46,694 Yeah, Yeah, I did, I got an A on it. 1331 01:05:46,944 --> 01:05:51,073 So do you say Arizona State University or do you just say HPVU? 1332 01:05:55,911 --> 01:05:58,456 This is perfect, We're gonna get to the city before 10:00. 1333 01:05:58,873 --> 01:06:00,666 Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad? 1334 01:06:00,749 --> 01:06:02,209 Mmm, it's actually delicious. 1335 01:06:02,376 --> 01:06:04,295 Everybody always says that about their salad. 1336 01:06:04,378 --> 01:06:05,629 They're all a bunch of fucking liars. 1337 01:06:05,796 --> 01:06:07,673 No, I love it. It's really good. 1338 01:06:07,756 --> 01:06:10,092 Have some Cookie Crisp, You need something nutritional. 1339 01:06:10,217 --> 01:06:11,552 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp? 1340 01:06:11,635 --> 01:06:13,387 Because you've been staring at it, and you want it. 1341 01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:16,390 Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna make out or what? 1342 01:06:16,724 --> 01:06:17,975 Teddy, come on, dude! 1343 01:06:18,058 --> 01:06:21,312 No, I'm just saying, You look like you're hitting it off, you know? 1344 01:06:21,562 --> 01:06:23,272 Sam, you dig him, right? 1345 01:06:25,274 --> 01:06:26,317 Hey! 1346 01:06:26,400 --> 01:06:28,277 Where the hell's my coffee? I've been waiting for 10 minutes. 1347 01:06:28,360 --> 01:06:30,571 I'm so sorry, sir, I forgot. I'll get it right away. 1348 01:06:30,696 --> 01:06:33,491 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets, Figure it out! 1349 01:06:34,074 --> 01:06:35,493 What a prick! 1350 01:06:35,951 --> 01:06:38,579 Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack. 1351 01:06:38,746 --> 01:06:39,914 Wait, let me try. 1352 01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:42,458 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State. 1353 01:06:42,541 --> 01:06:44,418 Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom? 1354 01:06:44,668 --> 01:06:46,003 Shut up. 1355 01:06:46,754 --> 01:06:48,506 - Oh, my God! - Holy shit! 1356 01:06:48,589 --> 01:06:50,341 Who did that? 1357 01:06:50,591 --> 01:06:53,344 Oh, Jesus Christ. You got to be kidding me! 1358 01:06:53,427 --> 01:06:55,179 Now, we're assholes. Look what you did. 1359 01:06:55,262 --> 01:06:58,015 I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it? 1360 01:06:58,098 --> 01:07:01,018 Uh, sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son. 1361 01:07:01,227 --> 01:07:02,478 I'm sowwy! 1362 01:07:02,603 --> 01:07:03,646 Sowwy, sir. 1363 01:07:03,771 --> 01:07:06,190 Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies, I'm sowwy. 1364 01:07:06,774 --> 01:07:10,110 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay. 1365 01:07:10,569 --> 01:07:12,696 Oh, my God, Now we're even bigger assholes. 1366 01:07:12,780 --> 01:07:14,448 Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass. 1367 01:07:14,615 --> 01:07:15,908 You guys making trouble over here? 1368 01:07:15,991 --> 01:07:17,660 Uh, no, ma'am. We're just minding our business. 1369 01:07:17,993 --> 01:07:20,120 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah? 1370 01:07:20,871 --> 01:07:22,289 Oh, he's not my boyfriend. 1371 01:07:22,706 --> 01:07:23,707 Oh. 1372 01:07:24,124 --> 01:07:25,334 Good. 1373 01:07:25,626 --> 01:07:27,044 We'll just get the check. Thanks. 1374 01:07:27,127 --> 01:07:28,420 Of course. 1375 01:07:30,756 --> 01:07:31,757 Oh, my God. 1376 01:07:31,840 --> 01:07:34,802 John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1377 01:07:35,052 --> 01:07:36,053 No, she wasn't. 1378 01:07:36,136 --> 01:07:37,471 She was giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1379 01:07:37,638 --> 01:07:38,847 What are the fuck-me eyes? 1380 01:07:39,014 --> 01:07:41,517 Some women just have fuck-me eyes. 1381 01:07:41,976 --> 01:07:43,227 Do I have fuck-me eyes? 1382 01:07:43,310 --> 01:07:45,729 No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes. 1383 01:07:46,313 --> 01:07:47,314 We better get going. 1384 01:07:47,398 --> 01:07:49,400 We got two hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat. 1385 01:07:49,483 --> 01:07:51,151 Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow. 1386 01:07:51,235 --> 01:07:53,153 I'll drive. You can take a nap. 1387 01:07:53,320 --> 01:07:54,488 You don't have a license. 1388 01:07:54,572 --> 01:07:56,073 Who cares? Johnny lets me drive 1389 01:07:56,156 --> 01:07:57,575 every once in a while when he's too hammered. 1390 01:07:57,658 --> 01:07:58,659 I'm a fucking pro! 1391 01:07:59,285 --> 01:08:00,494 Besides, 1392 01:08:00,578 --> 01:08:03,080 I've been kicked around a lot this week. I just... 1393 01:08:03,414 --> 01:08:05,249 I want to feel useful, you know? 1394 01:08:05,874 --> 01:08:07,001 Twenty minutes behind the wheel. 1395 01:08:07,167 --> 01:08:08,168 Yay! 1396 01:09:11,982 --> 01:09:13,567 Ah! Ah! Shit, shit, shit! 1397 01:09:44,181 --> 01:09:45,432 What the fuck? 1398 01:09:45,516 --> 01:09:47,976 Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes. You wanna take over? 1399 01:10:01,198 --> 01:10:02,991 Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry. 1400 01:10:03,075 --> 01:10:04,785 That barn just came out of nowhere. 1401 01:10:04,868 --> 01:10:07,204 No, no, it's my fault. I... I, uh... 1402 01:10:07,287 --> 01:10:08,914 I should never have let you drive. 1403 01:10:08,997 --> 01:10:10,582 Yeah, You were wrong. 1404 01:10:10,666 --> 01:10:12,292 - You were wrong to do that. - Yeah. 1405 01:10:12,376 --> 01:10:16,296 But that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up, So, uh... 1406 01:10:17,131 --> 01:10:18,882 I can't see shit in there. 1407 01:10:18,966 --> 01:10:21,051 We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out. 1408 01:10:21,385 --> 01:10:23,971 Uh, wait, Are we gonna spend the night here? 1409 01:10:24,138 --> 01:10:26,682 Yeah, it'll be fine, We just got to find some firewood. 1410 01:10:37,651 --> 01:10:38,736 What the hell? 1411 01:10:44,742 --> 01:10:46,910 Holy shit! Hey, Ted! 1412 01:10:47,953 --> 01:10:51,165 You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze. 1413 01:10:51,248 --> 01:10:52,374 It's a really rare strain. 1414 01:10:52,458 --> 01:10:54,668 It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. 1415 01:10:55,002 --> 01:10:56,044 It's totally potent. 1416 01:10:56,128 --> 01:10:57,421 I've only had it once in my life 1417 01:10:57,504 --> 01:10:59,006 and it was one of the best highs I ever had. 1418 01:10:59,214 --> 01:11:00,424 What the hell is a leaf of this stuff 1419 01:11:00,507 --> 01:11:01,675 doing out in the middle of a... 1420 01:11:31,038 --> 01:11:33,832 Dear God! Dear God in heaven! 1421 01:11:34,792 --> 01:11:36,376 So beautiful. 1422 01:11:37,628 --> 01:11:39,296 It's so beautiful. 1423 01:11:39,963 --> 01:11:41,423 No words. 1424 01:11:42,382 --> 01:11:44,635 No words. 1425 01:11:44,718 --> 01:11:46,720 They should've sent a poet. 1426 01:11:54,061 --> 01:11:55,896 They're moving in herds. 1427 01:11:56,814 --> 01:11:58,732 They do move in herds. 1428 01:12:02,861 --> 01:12:05,656 Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. 1429 01:12:05,739 --> 01:12:08,659 Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position, here. 1430 01:12:08,742 --> 01:12:10,202 I mean, we wanna get high, too. 1431 01:12:10,285 --> 01:12:11,620 I don't have any papers or nothing. 1432 01:12:11,745 --> 01:12:14,623 Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. 1433 01:12:15,999 --> 01:12:17,835 It's so stupid. Here, try it. 1434 01:12:17,918 --> 01:12:19,002 Uh, no. 1435 01:12:19,086 --> 01:12:20,128 Why? 1436 01:12:20,212 --> 01:12:22,673 I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth. 1437 01:12:22,756 --> 01:12:24,132 Oh, you think this is big? 1438 01:12:25,425 --> 01:12:27,052 Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal. 1439 01:12:27,135 --> 01:12:28,095 This is all I brought. 1440 01:12:28,178 --> 01:12:30,013 How about this? I'm gonna go check out the barn 1441 01:12:30,097 --> 01:12:32,099 and I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can or something 1442 01:12:32,182 --> 01:12:33,350 for us to make an actual bong. 1443 01:12:33,433 --> 01:12:35,269 Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong. 1444 01:12:35,519 --> 01:12:38,188 Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South Korean president. 1445 01:12:38,272 --> 01:12:39,356 Right? 1446 01:12:39,606 --> 01:12:40,858 She gets... You get it. 1447 01:12:40,941 --> 01:12:41,942 Right? No. 1448 01:12:42,109 --> 01:12:43,151 What? 1449 01:12:43,318 --> 01:12:44,987 Okay, I'll be back. 1450 01:12:45,529 --> 01:12:46,822 Sorry. 1451 01:12:46,989 --> 01:12:49,491 No, This is nice. 1452 01:12:49,658 --> 01:12:51,493 You know? I always wanted my ex-wife 1453 01:12:51,577 --> 01:12:53,203 to get stoned with me. She never would. 1454 01:12:53,370 --> 01:12:54,371 Really? 1455 01:12:54,454 --> 01:12:57,374 Wow, That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. 1456 01:12:57,541 --> 01:12:58,959 I agree. 1457 01:13:02,963 --> 01:13:05,507 So, you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us? 1458 01:13:05,674 --> 01:13:08,510 I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um... 1459 01:13:09,887 --> 01:13:11,388 But we're going to the right place. 1460 01:13:12,556 --> 01:13:14,141 Listen, I just really want to thank you 1461 01:13:14,224 --> 01:13:16,059 for all you've clone, all you're doing for us. 1462 01:13:16,143 --> 01:13:17,936 I know it's not making you rich. 1463 01:13:18,020 --> 01:13:19,062 Please. 1464 01:13:19,146 --> 01:13:21,398 There are more important things in life than money. 1465 01:13:22,816 --> 01:13:24,026 Look, 1466 01:13:24,735 --> 01:13:26,945 I don't know what kind of mojo was in 1467 01:13:27,029 --> 01:13:28,739 that wish you made when you were a child, 1468 01:13:28,822 --> 01:13:30,699 but this bear is alive. 1469 01:13:31,658 --> 01:13:35,704 And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, 1470 01:13:36,330 --> 01:13:38,498 how soon before it devalues another? 1471 01:13:38,832 --> 01:13:40,751 Who gets subjugated after the bear? 1472 01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:44,379 You're really smart, you know that? 1473 01:13:45,756 --> 01:13:46,965 How come you don't have a guy? 1474 01:13:47,341 --> 01:13:49,593 Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? 1475 01:13:49,676 --> 01:13:51,678 I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy 1476 01:13:51,762 --> 01:13:53,680 with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket 1477 01:13:53,764 --> 01:13:56,183 and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope. 1478 01:13:56,266 --> 01:13:57,309 Yeah. 1479 01:13:57,392 --> 01:13:58,685 That's so dumb. 1480 01:13:59,686 --> 01:14:01,188 I couldn't find any cans, 1481 01:14:01,271 --> 01:14:03,941 but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn. 1482 01:14:04,024 --> 01:14:07,069 Take a look at this, I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar. 1483 01:14:07,277 --> 01:14:08,654 Hey, be careful with that, huh. 1484 01:14:08,820 --> 01:14:09,947 No, it's okay. It's not loaded. 1485 01:14:11,907 --> 01:14:14,076 And my fucking nose came off. 1486 01:14:15,577 --> 01:14:17,537 Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to. 1487 01:14:17,663 --> 01:14:19,623 Maybe we should find someplace else. 1488 01:14:19,706 --> 01:14:21,708 We're in the middle of nowhere. 1489 01:14:21,792 --> 01:14:23,835 If we get out of here by dawn, we should be fine, right? 1490 01:14:26,088 --> 01:14:27,339 You play the guitar? 1491 01:14:28,215 --> 01:14:30,717 A little bit. I learned when I was a kid. 1492 01:14:40,060 --> 01:14:43,063 Mean moon 1493 01:14:43,230 --> 01:14:45,565 It must be fun 1494 01:14:46,984 --> 01:14:52,114 To shine upon me as I come undone 1495 01:14:52,739 --> 01:14:58,578 Till I'm all alone beneath the sun 1496 01:14:59,079 --> 01:15:05,252 You mean on moon 1497 01:15:05,711 --> 01:15:11,174 With your beam you led the way 1498 01:15:12,592 --> 01:15:18,098 And found me love I thought was here to stay 1499 01:15:18,348 --> 01:15:24,688 Then you went and took my love away 1500 01:15:24,771 --> 01:15:29,943 You mean on moon 1501 01:15:30,610 --> 01:15:36,950 Oh, you mean on stars above 1502 01:15:37,492 --> 01:15:43,582 The games that you play with me 1503 01:15:44,082 --> 01:15:49,046 I could find some happiness 1504 01:15:50,130 --> 01:15:56,136 If all of my nights were cloudy 1505 01:15:56,553 --> 01:15:59,347 Mean on moon 1506 01:15:59,848 --> 01:16:02,309 I hope it's true 1507 01:16:03,769 --> 01:16:08,815 You're takin' all the light that's left in you 1508 01:16:09,483 --> 01:16:15,739 And saving it up for you know who 1509 01:16:15,822 --> 01:16:21,745 You mean on moon 1510 01:16:22,162 --> 01:16:28,835 You mean on moon 1511 01:16:47,354 --> 01:16:49,022 Yes! 1512 01:17:04,788 --> 01:17:05,914 You got it. 1513 01:17:06,206 --> 01:17:07,290 You got it! 1514 01:17:07,541 --> 01:17:09,042 Come on, put your legs into it. 1515 01:17:11,294 --> 01:17:13,088 There you go! Nice job! 1516 01:17:13,171 --> 01:17:14,172 Jesus. 1517 01:17:14,256 --> 01:17:15,674 So, listen, I got to ask. 1518 01:17:15,757 --> 01:17:18,885 Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff? 1519 01:17:25,058 --> 01:17:27,519 Man, we got a lot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it. 1520 01:17:27,602 --> 01:17:28,854 Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right, 1521 01:17:28,937 --> 01:17:30,147 but just stuff it under the seat for now. 1522 01:17:30,230 --> 01:17:31,231 We don't wanna go to jail. 1523 01:17:31,314 --> 01:17:32,566 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1524 01:17:50,250 --> 01:17:51,751 Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing? 1525 01:17:51,918 --> 01:17:54,921 Hashtag "My amazing summer. 1526 01:17:55,213 --> 01:17:57,007 God damn it! What the hell's wrong with you? 1527 01:17:57,090 --> 01:17:58,425 Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard. 1528 01:17:58,508 --> 01:17:59,759 What do you mean? I was just messing around. 1529 01:17:59,843 --> 01:18:01,803 Oh, shut up and suck that dick. 1530 01:18:01,887 --> 01:18:02,888 Oh, fuck you. 1531 01:18:30,832 --> 01:18:32,292 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 1532 01:18:32,334 --> 01:18:34,127 Watch it, Jesus! Watch where you're going! 1533 01:18:34,211 --> 01:18:37,130 It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way! Yeah. 1534 01:18:37,214 --> 01:18:38,215 Whoa! 1535 01:18:38,298 --> 01:18:40,634 Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed like Star Wars? 1536 01:18:40,717 --> 01:18:43,762 It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're going to the Javits Center. 1537 01:18:43,845 --> 01:18:45,222 You're the idiots, because you three guys 1538 01:18:45,305 --> 01:18:46,556 would never be walking together! 1539 01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:49,559 Yeah, you're his boss and you two guys are enemies! 1540 01:18:49,643 --> 01:18:51,269 Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk! 1541 01:18:51,353 --> 01:18:53,104 Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Hey! Come on, That's Star Trek! 1542 01:18:53,188 --> 01:18:54,397 Yeah, that's two different franchises. 1543 01:18:54,564 --> 01:18:56,107 Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn't know. 1544 01:18:56,191 --> 01:18:58,568 Nah, it's okay, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 1545 01:18:59,444 --> 01:19:00,987 All right, let's go. 1546 01:19:02,239 --> 01:19:03,907 Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man. 1547 01:19:03,990 --> 01:19:05,575 Come on. 1548 01:19:23,760 --> 01:19:26,388 This Patrick Meighan's got a classy setup, huh? 1549 01:19:26,471 --> 01:19:27,514 Mmm. 1550 01:19:32,227 --> 01:19:34,854 And there is our first impression. 1551 01:19:35,355 --> 01:19:37,357 Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now. 1552 01:19:37,440 --> 01:19:39,025 Oh, okay, thank you. 1553 01:19:45,740 --> 01:19:48,118 Ah, Ms. Jackson, Do come in. 1554 01:19:48,702 --> 01:19:50,537 Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor. 1555 01:19:50,704 --> 01:19:52,289 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 1556 01:19:52,372 --> 01:19:54,624 Not at all, It's my pleasure. Please, sit down. 1557 01:19:54,833 --> 01:19:56,960 Oh, this office is fucking awesome. 1558 01:19:57,043 --> 01:19:58,962 Yeah, totally. Hey, hey. 1559 01:19:59,212 --> 01:20:00,463 You ever bring chicks up here? 1560 01:20:01,381 --> 01:20:02,549 What do you think? 1561 01:20:02,799 --> 01:20:05,885 I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice. 1562 01:20:07,554 --> 01:20:09,014 I'll get right down to it. 1563 01:20:09,306 --> 01:20:11,099 I don't want to waste too much of your time. 1564 01:20:12,892 --> 01:20:15,729 Ted, I've been reviewing your file. 1565 01:20:16,021 --> 01:20:18,315 And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, 1566 01:20:18,398 --> 01:20:21,609 I'm sorry to say I won't be taking your case. 1567 01:20:21,735 --> 01:20:22,819 - What? - Why? 1568 01:20:22,902 --> 01:20:23,903 Why not? 1569 01:20:24,029 --> 01:20:25,822 Well, it comes down to this. 1570 01:20:27,907 --> 01:20:30,702 You want to be human in the eyes of the law. 1571 01:20:31,036 --> 01:20:33,413 That's a hard sell, even for me. 1572 01:20:33,913 --> 01:20:36,333 See, the important thing about being human 1573 01:20:36,416 --> 01:20:38,793 is making a contribution to society. 1574 01:20:38,877 --> 01:20:41,254 Assisting in the betterment of your race. 1575 01:20:41,629 --> 01:20:43,423 You've done none of that. 1576 01:20:43,590 --> 01:20:45,216 I've read about your life. 1577 01:20:45,383 --> 01:20:48,553 The drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests. 1578 01:20:48,636 --> 01:20:51,056 Mr. Meighan, we've come a long way to meet you 1579 01:20:51,139 --> 01:20:52,766 because you said that you could help us. 1580 01:20:53,099 --> 01:20:55,018 I said I would consider it. 1581 01:20:55,602 --> 01:20:56,936 And I have. 1582 01:20:58,271 --> 01:21:00,607 Ted, you're special. 1583 01:21:00,940 --> 01:21:03,318 You could've been an inspiration to the world. 1584 01:21:03,485 --> 01:21:05,653 Could've been a leader, a role model. 1585 01:21:06,613 --> 01:21:08,239 Instead you're 1586 01:21:09,115 --> 01:21:10,283 Justin Bieber. 1587 01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:11,826 Fuck you! 1588 01:21:11,951 --> 01:21:13,203 Hey, Ted! Come on! I'm sorry. 1589 01:21:13,286 --> 01:21:15,288 He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me, I'm sorry. 1590 01:21:15,455 --> 01:21:16,748 There's just no indication 1591 01:21:16,831 --> 01:21:19,751 that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. 1592 01:21:19,918 --> 01:21:22,587 Well, that's not true, He's had a positive effect on me. 1593 01:21:22,754 --> 01:21:25,632 Would that positive effect be your join to arrest 1594 01:21:25,715 --> 01:21:28,051 for purchasing marijuana in 2003? 1595 01:21:28,134 --> 01:21:30,845 Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert? 1596 01:21:32,680 --> 01:21:34,724 You know why you lost this case? 1597 01:21:36,309 --> 01:21:38,311 It can't be argued by reason. 1598 01:21:38,686 --> 01:21:41,815 The precedent it sets would affect the public directly. 1599 01:21:42,023 --> 01:21:45,276 And unfortunately, the public doesn't judge by reason. 1600 01:21:45,360 --> 01:21:47,570 It judges by emotion. 1601 01:21:48,947 --> 01:21:51,783 And you can't appeal an emotional conviction. 1602 01:21:52,200 --> 01:21:55,662 Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your efforts. 1603 01:21:57,997 --> 01:21:59,499 He needs help. 1604 01:21:59,999 --> 01:22:01,501 And from what I know about you, 1605 01:22:01,668 --> 01:22:04,045 at one point in your career that would've been enough. 1606 01:22:04,921 --> 01:22:08,341 I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be. 1607 01:22:17,058 --> 01:22:18,893 Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like to take? 1608 01:22:21,020 --> 01:22:23,231 Those aren't supposed to be out. 1609 01:22:34,367 --> 01:22:36,411 So that's it. I'm property. 1610 01:22:37,203 --> 01:22:39,080 No rights, no nothing. 1611 01:22:39,706 --> 01:22:42,709 Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks. 1612 01:22:43,084 --> 01:22:44,544 I feel terrible. 1613 01:22:45,170 --> 01:22:47,046 I let you guys down all over again. 1614 01:22:47,172 --> 01:22:50,383 Hey, You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. 1615 01:22:51,593 --> 01:22:53,178 And, look, regardless of all this shit, 1616 01:22:53,261 --> 01:22:55,847 you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 1617 01:23:02,061 --> 01:23:03,062 Oh, Oh, that... 1618 01:23:03,271 --> 01:23:04,397 That's great! That's fucking great! 1619 01:23:04,481 --> 01:23:05,523 I'm glad you guys are so happy! 1620 01:23:05,607 --> 01:23:06,649 What? 1621 01:23:06,733 --> 01:23:08,693 What do you mean, What? I'm totally screwed here. 1622 01:23:08,776 --> 01:23:11,279 And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, 1623 01:23:11,362 --> 01:23:13,031 and she's probably still fucking billing us! 1624 01:23:13,114 --> 01:23:15,200 Well, don't yell at us, dude! We didn't do anything! 1625 01:23:15,366 --> 01:23:16,659 Yeah, exactly! exactly! 1626 01:23:16,743 --> 01:23:19,829 Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other, 1627 01:23:19,913 --> 01:23:22,749 Sam could've won this thing and I wouldn't be a fucking thing! 1628 01:23:22,832 --> 01:23:25,001 Like garbage or a piece of shit! 1629 01:23:25,460 --> 01:23:27,795 Hey, we've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. 1630 01:23:27,879 --> 01:23:28,922 And remember, you're the one 1631 01:23:29,005 --> 01:23:30,006 who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. 1632 01:23:30,089 --> 01:23:32,008 I finally meet someone and you're giving me shit for it? 1633 01:23:32,091 --> 01:23:33,676 Oh, no, you're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. 1634 01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:34,844 You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. 1635 01:23:34,928 --> 01:23:37,347 I got no job, no marriage and no life! 1636 01:23:37,430 --> 01:23:40,517 But you have fun porking Gollum here, while I'm left with shit! 1637 01:23:40,683 --> 01:23:41,768 Ted! 1638 01:23:41,935 --> 01:23:42,977 Who's Gollum? 1639 01:23:43,061 --> 01:23:45,104 She's a model. Ted, come back! 1640 01:23:45,271 --> 01:23:46,356 Leave me alone! 1641 01:23:46,481 --> 01:23:47,607 - Ted! - Ted! 1642 01:23:51,778 --> 01:23:52,904 Shit. 1643 01:24:03,656 --> 01:24:04,457 Whoa. 1644 01:24:05,458 --> 01:24:06,543 Sorry, bro. 1645 01:24:43,830 --> 01:24:45,290 Hey, Ted! 1646 01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:48,418 Guy? 1647 01:24:48,501 --> 01:24:49,877 I thought that was you. What's happening, man? 1648 01:24:49,961 --> 01:24:51,963 Hey, Rick! It is Ted. 1649 01:24:52,046 --> 01:24:53,089 Hey, how you doing? 1650 01:24:53,464 --> 01:24:55,341 - Hey, what's going on? - What are you doing here? 1651 01:24:55,466 --> 01:24:59,846 I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here? 1652 01:25:00,138 --> 01:25:02,724 Well, you know, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag. 1653 01:25:02,807 --> 01:25:06,144 Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. 1654 01:25:06,227 --> 01:25:07,437 Hey, spaz. 1655 01:25:07,520 --> 01:25:10,398 Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew, How about that, huh? 1656 01:25:14,611 --> 01:25:17,572 Uh-huh, All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. 1657 01:25:17,655 --> 01:25:19,032 Right on. You, too, man. 1658 01:25:20,074 --> 01:25:22,493 God damn it, that under wear had shit on it! 1659 01:25:27,373 --> 01:25:28,458 Hey. 1660 01:25:29,042 --> 01:25:30,251 Are you Ted? 1661 01:25:30,543 --> 01:25:32,211 Uh, yeah. 1662 01:25:33,588 --> 01:25:34,964 This is so exciting! 1663 01:25:35,048 --> 01:25:37,383 I was such a big fan of yours in the early '90s. 1664 01:25:37,634 --> 01:25:40,345 Oh, thanks a lot. What's your name? 1665 01:25:40,511 --> 01:25:41,971 I'm Raphael. 1666 01:25:42,055 --> 01:25:44,057 Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you? 1667 01:25:44,349 --> 01:25:45,767 Uh, yeah, yeah, No problem. 1668 01:25:45,850 --> 01:25:47,644 Great, great! Here, follow me. 1669 01:25:49,437 --> 01:25:51,689 Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here? 1670 01:25:51,856 --> 01:25:52,940 Well, you're a celebrity. 1671 01:25:53,024 --> 01:25:55,193 I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you. 1672 01:25:55,276 --> 01:25:58,154 Yeah, that's true, I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today. 1673 01:25:58,237 --> 01:25:59,280 All right, let's do this. 1674 01:26:04,118 --> 01:26:05,995 Holy shit! Donny! 1675 01:26:06,454 --> 01:26:08,414 It's so good to see you, Ted. 1676 01:26:09,415 --> 01:26:10,792 It's been some time, hasn't it? 1677 01:26:11,084 --> 01:26:13,252 What, you mean since you ripped me in half? 1678 01:26:14,253 --> 01:26:15,963 That wasn't supposed to happen. 1679 01:26:16,130 --> 01:26:17,632 That was an accident. 1680 01:26:18,466 --> 01:26:20,718 I have some big plans for you, Ted. 1681 01:26:21,469 --> 01:26:22,929 Very big plans. 1682 01:26:23,429 --> 01:26:25,056 I need you to come with me now. 1683 01:26:25,223 --> 01:26:26,182 Go to hell! 1684 01:26:39,320 --> 01:26:41,114 Nice lunch, spaz. 1685 01:26:50,915 --> 01:26:52,333 Hey! What the hell! 1686 01:26:56,921 --> 01:26:58,673 He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. 1687 01:26:58,756 --> 01:27:00,049 We should just wait by the car. 1688 01:27:00,133 --> 01:27:01,718 What do you mean? We have to find him, okay? 1689 01:27:01,801 --> 01:27:03,845 He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes. 1690 01:27:07,640 --> 01:27:08,683 Hello? 1691 01:27:08,766 --> 01:27:10,560 Johnny, Johnny, it's me. You got to help me. 1692 01:27:10,643 --> 01:27:12,979 Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you. 1693 01:27:13,187 --> 01:27:16,649 I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny! He's here! 1694 01:27:16,774 --> 01:27:18,234 He's after me. You got to get over here. 1695 01:27:18,317 --> 01:27:19,902 What the fuck? Did you just say Donny? 1696 01:27:19,986 --> 01:27:21,070 John, what's going on? 1697 01:27:21,154 --> 01:27:22,697 Yes, it's him! He's... 1698 01:27:24,615 --> 01:27:25,825 Oh, shit! 1699 01:27:29,203 --> 01:27:30,830 Ted! Ted, hello? 1700 01:27:31,080 --> 01:27:32,915 What's the matter? Oh, my God, Déjé vu. 1701 01:27:33,166 --> 01:27:34,667 We got to get to Come on, Come on! 1702 01:27:39,338 --> 01:27:41,007 Get out of the way! 1703 01:27:52,685 --> 01:27:54,187 You know, 1704 01:27:55,229 --> 01:27:57,398 I really love that Neil Diamond. 1705 01:27:58,065 --> 01:28:02,862 Especially that song they sing at the Red Sox games. 1706 01:28:04,655 --> 01:28:06,532 It's just so infectious. 1707 01:28:07,116 --> 01:28:09,243 You just can't help but sing along. 1708 01:28:10,411 --> 01:28:14,749 Hands touching hands 1709 01:28:16,334 --> 01:28:18,294 Reaching out 1710 01:28:19,295 --> 01:28:24,759 Touching me, touching you 1711 01:28:25,134 --> 01:28:28,805 Sweet Caroline 1712 01:28:28,888 --> 01:28:30,306 Bah, bah, bah! 1713 01:28:30,389 --> 01:28:31,390 Fuck! 1714 01:28:32,099 --> 01:28:33,226 Crazy son of a bitch! 1715 01:28:36,854 --> 01:28:37,980 Hey! 1716 01:28:38,064 --> 01:28:39,398 What are you doing to that bear? 1717 01:28:39,816 --> 01:28:41,067 I'm sorry, I, uh... 1718 01:28:41,234 --> 01:28:42,985 You better be planning on buying that! 1719 01:28:43,569 --> 01:28:45,780 He just reminds me of when I was a kid. 1720 01:28:45,863 --> 01:28:46,823 Yeah, that's great. 1721 01:28:46,906 --> 01:28:47,907 $40. 1722 01:28:47,990 --> 01:28:49,242 Okay. 1723 01:28:50,409 --> 01:28:51,911 I have $40, here. 1724 01:29:01,796 --> 01:29:02,839 You see him anywhere? 1725 01:29:02,922 --> 01:29:04,674 No, Let's try in there. 1726 01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:10,471 Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here? 1727 01:29:10,555 --> 01:29:12,598 Shh, They're about to announce the new Superman. 1728 01:29:12,682 --> 01:29:15,268 The new Superman is... 1729 01:29:15,560 --> 01:29:16,811 Jonah Hill! 1730 01:29:17,061 --> 01:29:18,104 Fuck! 1731 01:29:18,187 --> 01:29:19,564 - Who's Superman? - What? 1732 01:29:19,647 --> 01:29:21,691 I'm just kidding, I'm fucking with you, Come on! 1733 01:29:22,525 --> 01:29:24,777 And if that is not big enough news, 1734 01:29:24,861 --> 01:29:27,697 Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line 1735 01:29:27,780 --> 01:29:30,616 of Transformers merchandise next fall. 1736 01:29:32,702 --> 01:29:34,287 We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons... 1737 01:29:34,370 --> 01:29:35,371 Hey! 1738 01:29:35,454 --> 01:29:36,789 that is gonna be... Fresh cakes. 1739 01:29:36,873 --> 01:29:38,374 Fresh cakes. 1740 01:29:39,458 --> 01:29:40,793 Fresh cakes. 1741 01:29:43,087 --> 01:29:44,130 Comic Con fans, 1742 01:29:44,213 --> 01:29:46,048 let's take a look at this thrilling sizzle reel 1743 01:29:46,132 --> 01:29:47,925 with all of our exciting new toys. 1744 01:29:48,551 --> 01:29:49,594 Take a look. 1745 01:29:55,808 --> 01:29:58,185 Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs. 1746 01:29:58,269 --> 01:29:59,270 Is that him? 1747 01:29:59,353 --> 01:30:01,355 Yeah, there was an issue, so he's 1748 01:30:01,439 --> 01:30:02,899 unconscious now, but yeah, this is him. 1749 01:30:02,982 --> 01:30:05,192 Jesus! Why did you bring him here? 1750 01:30:05,276 --> 01:30:07,361 I've been following him around since yesterday. 1751 01:30:07,445 --> 01:30:10,907 This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast. 1752 01:30:10,990 --> 01:30:12,033 Hey, Ted! 1753 01:30:13,868 --> 01:30:14,911 Is that you? 1754 01:30:14,994 --> 01:30:16,954 Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. 1755 01:30:17,038 --> 01:30:19,999 He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller 1756 01:30:20,082 --> 01:30:22,585 so we're gonna take him back and sober him up. 1757 01:30:22,668 --> 01:30:24,420 Ah, rock on, Ted. 1758 01:30:24,503 --> 01:30:25,630 Eff yeah. 1759 01:30:25,713 --> 01:30:29,508 Hey, guys, be careful out there, Some nerd spilled his lunch. 1760 01:30:30,051 --> 01:30:31,844 Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man. 1761 01:30:38,517 --> 01:30:39,769 Hey, Johnny. 1762 01:30:39,852 --> 01:30:40,895 Guy? 1763 01:30:41,187 --> 01:30:43,481 Man, it's a goddamn party here today. 1764 01:30:43,814 --> 01:30:45,650 Hey, I remember you from the wedding. 1765 01:30:45,816 --> 01:30:47,693 - You get a nose job? - No. 1766 01:30:48,027 --> 01:30:49,695 Yes, you did, you fucking liar. 1767 01:30:49,779 --> 01:30:51,322 Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted. 1768 01:30:51,405 --> 01:30:52,448 Ted? Where is he? 1769 01:30:52,531 --> 01:30:55,868 He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up. 1770 01:30:56,035 --> 01:30:57,036 Did you see which way they went? 1771 01:30:57,161 --> 01:30:58,955 Yeah, yeah, Baok hallway, past the photo booth. 1772 01:30:59,038 --> 01:31:00,164 Come on! 1773 01:31:00,998 --> 01:31:02,208 Thirsty, Urkel? 1774 01:31:03,542 --> 01:31:05,211 I fucking love this place. 1775 01:31:14,220 --> 01:31:16,806 What the fuck? What the fuck's going on here? 1776 01:31:16,973 --> 01:31:18,057 Who the hell are you? 1777 01:31:18,265 --> 01:31:20,643 He really is extraordinary, isn't he? 1778 01:31:20,726 --> 01:31:23,145 You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping! 1779 01:31:23,312 --> 01:31:25,064 No, it's not. 1780 01:31:25,314 --> 01:31:29,735 Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you're property. 1781 01:31:29,860 --> 01:31:31,737 Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece. 1782 01:31:35,533 --> 01:31:37,076 What do you say there, happy face'? 1783 01:31:37,243 --> 01:31:40,329 Right there, Death to Ming. Yeah! Come on, All right. 1784 01:31:40,413 --> 01:31:41,914 Happy guy. 1785 01:31:42,081 --> 01:31:45,418 Right there, Death to Ming. Good, yeah. 1786 01:31:47,253 --> 01:31:48,504 Hey, Bennefi! 1787 01:31:49,880 --> 01:31:50,881 Oh, shit! 1788 01:31:50,965 --> 01:31:52,425 You messed up my car. 1789 01:31:52,508 --> 01:31:54,051 What the hell is wrong with you? 1790 01:31:54,135 --> 01:31:56,721 Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted. 1791 01:31:56,804 --> 01:32:00,307 But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though. 1792 01:32:00,391 --> 01:32:02,143 Hey, fuck your Chrysler! 1793 01:32:11,485 --> 01:32:12,695 Holy shit! 1794 01:32:12,778 --> 01:32:15,114 Look, Donny, Donny! You don't wanna do this! Okay? 1795 01:32:15,406 --> 01:32:17,116 Think about what happened at Fenway. 1796 01:32:17,199 --> 01:32:20,703 You remember? You cut me open, that's it! I'm gone, dead! 1797 01:32:21,287 --> 01:32:22,872 Just a regular old teddy bear. 1798 01:32:22,955 --> 01:32:24,999 I won't be any fun then, will I? 1799 01:32:25,291 --> 01:32:26,959 This isn't about you, Ted. 1800 01:32:27,501 --> 01:32:29,003 You're only one bear. 1801 01:32:29,336 --> 01:32:31,005 We're gonna figure out what makes you real, 1802 01:32:31,088 --> 01:32:32,673 and then we're gonna make millions of Teds. 1803 01:32:32,757 --> 01:32:34,717 One for every child in the world. 1804 01:32:35,259 --> 01:32:36,635 One for me. 1805 01:32:38,679 --> 01:32:41,557 One that loves me just as much as you love John. 1806 01:32:41,807 --> 01:32:44,393 Look, Donny, I can never love you. 1807 01:32:44,560 --> 01:32:47,313 God, that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die. 1808 01:32:47,480 --> 01:32:48,522 Okay? So, uh... 1809 01:32:48,898 --> 01:32:50,649 What if I gave you a hand job outside 1810 01:32:50,733 --> 01:32:52,485 your pants while you ate an ice cream? 1811 01:32:55,654 --> 01:32:57,323 I'll give you a minute. 1812 01:33:03,662 --> 01:33:04,663 Come here! 1813 01:33:38,280 --> 01:33:39,907 Hey, check it out, Nerd fight. 1814 01:33:40,241 --> 01:33:41,242 Ah! 1815 01:33:53,170 --> 01:33:54,213 Come here. 1816 01:34:00,386 --> 01:34:01,512 Come on. 1817 01:34:08,185 --> 01:34:10,020 I'll see you in heaven, Ted. 1818 01:34:17,486 --> 01:34:19,155 Ted! 1819 01:34:19,321 --> 01:34:20,364 Who the hell are you? 1820 01:34:20,906 --> 01:34:22,783 Get away from him, you bastard! 1821 01:34:22,867 --> 01:34:24,952 - Ted, you okay, buddy? - Johnny, thank God! 1822 01:34:25,035 --> 01:34:26,036 I'm out. 1823 01:34:26,120 --> 01:34:28,455 Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go, Come on, we can still do this. 1824 01:34:28,539 --> 01:34:31,167 You're on your own, Danny. I can't be implicated in any of this. 1825 01:34:31,250 --> 01:34:32,418 Wait, wait, wait. Who are you? 1826 01:34:32,751 --> 01:34:34,253 I work for Mattel. 1827 01:34:36,255 --> 01:34:37,590 You piece of shit. 1828 01:34:37,756 --> 01:34:39,925 Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? 1829 01:34:40,551 --> 01:34:41,719 What do you wanna do now? 1830 01:34:41,802 --> 01:34:45,347 You don't deserve him, John. you never did, you never did! 1831 01:34:45,639 --> 01:34:47,641 I've been wanting to do this for a long time. 1832 01:34:50,102 --> 01:34:51,145 A-ha! I fucking knew it! 1833 01:34:52,313 --> 01:34:53,564 Come on. 1834 01:35:05,242 --> 01:35:08,329 Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you how sorry I am. 1835 01:35:08,495 --> 01:35:09,705 No, forget it, buddy. 1836 01:35:09,788 --> 01:35:12,583 Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed it off, I'm so sorry. 1837 01:35:12,666 --> 01:35:13,751 No, listen to me. 1838 01:35:13,834 --> 01:35:16,086 Just listen to me. You, too, Sam. 1839 01:35:16,170 --> 01:35:18,130 I acted like an asshole. 1840 01:35:18,214 --> 01:35:21,800 All right? I was just hurting because I knew I'd lost. 1841 01:35:22,593 --> 01:35:26,722 And that, in the eyes of the world, I'll always be property. 1842 01:35:27,473 --> 01:35:29,892 But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? 1843 01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:33,270 It doesn't matter what the world calls me, I know who I am. 1844 01:35:33,646 --> 01:35:35,147 And that's all that's important. 1845 01:35:35,856 --> 01:35:37,608 And I know who my friends are. 1846 01:35:38,025 --> 01:35:39,318 And honest to God, 1847 01:35:39,401 --> 01:35:42,905 if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier. 1848 01:35:43,280 --> 01:35:44,740 Aw, buddy, I love you for that. 1849 01:35:44,823 --> 01:35:46,700 Thanks, Ted. That means a lot. 1850 01:35:48,869 --> 01:35:52,164 And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned, 1851 01:35:52,790 --> 01:35:53,999 you're a person. 1852 01:35:54,458 --> 01:35:56,752 As much as anybody I've ever known. 1853 01:35:56,835 --> 01:36:01,674 Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State. 1854 01:36:18,023 --> 01:36:19,191 Ted! 1855 01:36:28,200 --> 01:36:29,493 Holy shit! Johnny! 1856 01:36:29,618 --> 01:36:31,453 - Oh, my God, John! - Johnny! 1857 01:36:31,537 --> 01:36:32,746 John! Oh, Jesus! 1858 01:36:32,830 --> 01:36:34,290 - Are you okay? - Johnny, you all right? 1859 01:36:34,373 --> 01:36:35,374 Shit. 1860 01:36:35,457 --> 01:36:36,792 - John, hey. - Oh, my God. 1861 01:36:36,875 --> 01:36:38,127 Jesus, what happened here? 1862 01:36:38,210 --> 01:36:39,545 The rocket ship just hit him! 1863 01:36:39,712 --> 01:36:41,964 Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise... Forget it. 1864 01:36:42,047 --> 01:36:43,465 Somebody call 911! 1865 01:36:43,549 --> 01:36:45,426 Johnny? John, come on, stay with me, pal. 1866 01:36:45,551 --> 01:36:47,803 We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th. 1867 01:36:47,886 --> 01:36:49,138 How the hell did it fall? 1868 01:36:49,221 --> 01:36:50,222 I don't know! 1869 01:36:53,267 --> 01:36:54,310 It was him! 1870 01:36:54,393 --> 01:36:55,769 The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle! 1871 01:37:01,191 --> 01:37:02,234 Which one? 1872 01:37:02,401 --> 01:37:06,030 All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit, you son of a bitch! 1873 01:37:06,113 --> 01:37:07,364 Sam, give me your phone. 1874 01:37:27,593 --> 01:37:28,594 That's him. 1875 01:37:32,556 --> 01:37:33,599 Get off me! 1876 01:37:34,224 --> 01:37:35,476 Get off me! 1877 01:37:37,895 --> 01:37:39,104 Johnny? 1878 01:37:39,563 --> 01:37:40,731 Johnny, come on. 1879 01:37:41,398 --> 01:37:43,025 Johnny, you got to wake up, pal. 1880 01:37:43,609 --> 01:37:44,651 Johnny, wake up! 1881 01:37:45,402 --> 01:37:46,820 Wake up, Johnny. 1882 01:37:47,738 --> 01:37:49,156 Johnny. 1883 01:37:49,239 --> 01:37:50,616 Johnny, wake up! 1884 01:37:51,992 --> 01:37:53,827 Johnny, wake up. 1885 01:38:39,331 --> 01:38:42,167 Hi, How is he? Is he gonna come out of it? 1886 01:38:42,501 --> 01:38:45,379 I don't know, Ms. Jackson. We've done everything we can 1887 01:38:45,587 --> 01:38:47,589 and it's all up to him now. 1888 01:38:57,683 --> 01:38:58,851 John, 1889 01:38:59,685 --> 01:39:01,353 please wake up. 1890 01:39:09,987 --> 01:39:10,988 Somebody help! 1891 01:39:11,071 --> 01:39:12,614 - Oh, my God, John! - John? Johnny? 1892 01:39:12,781 --> 01:39:14,700 Hello? There's something happening. 1893 01:39:14,908 --> 01:39:15,951 Mr. Bennett? 1894 01:39:16,410 --> 01:39:18,328 Something's wrong, What's going on? What's happening to him? 1895 01:39:18,412 --> 01:39:19,872 Mr. Bennett? John? 1896 01:39:20,706 --> 01:39:23,041 We have a Code Blue in Room 134! What does that mean? 1897 01:39:23,125 --> 01:39:24,460 I'm sorry, You three are gonna have to wait outside. 1898 01:39:24,543 --> 01:39:25,794 What the hell is going on? Is he gonna be okay? 1899 01:39:25,878 --> 01:39:26,920 The doctors will do everything they can, 1900 01:39:27,004 --> 01:39:29,089 but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please. 1901 01:39:29,173 --> 01:39:30,340 Excuse me, excuse me. 1902 01:39:30,424 --> 01:39:31,467 What's the status? 1903 01:39:31,550 --> 01:39:33,135 He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive. 1904 01:39:33,218 --> 01:39:35,387 The monitor says he's in asystole, He's not breathing, no pulse. 1905 01:39:35,471 --> 01:39:37,055 Start compressions. Prepare to intubate. 1906 01:39:37,181 --> 01:39:38,307 Give him a milligram of epinephrine. 1907 01:40:08,629 --> 01:40:10,255 I'm sorry. 1908 01:40:11,715 --> 01:40:12,883 He didn't make it. 1909 01:40:16,553 --> 01:40:17,638 What? 1910 01:40:19,097 --> 01:40:20,307 Johnny. 1911 01:40:21,058 --> 01:40:23,227 If you'd like, you can go in 1912 01:40:23,310 --> 01:40:24,978 and say your goodbyes. 1913 01:41:04,810 --> 01:41:06,103 Johnny. 1914 01:41:08,313 --> 01:41:10,232 You were my thunder buddy. 1915 01:41:12,651 --> 01:41:15,070 You were my thunder buddy for life. 1916 01:41:17,406 --> 01:41:21,159 And you gave up your own life to save mine. 1917 01:41:24,454 --> 01:41:26,206 The only problem is 1918 01:41:28,500 --> 01:41:31,753 I don't know how my life works without you. 1919 01:41:36,049 --> 01:41:37,509 Goodbye, John. 1920 01:41:40,721 --> 01:41:42,639 I got you, motherfucker! 1921 01:41:43,890 --> 01:41:46,435 Holy shit! Zombie! He's a fucking zombie! 1922 01:41:47,185 --> 01:41:48,854 I totally fucking got you! 1923 01:41:49,688 --> 01:41:50,814 Holy shit! 1924 01:41:50,897 --> 01:41:52,733 You should have seen your fucking face! 1925 01:41:52,983 --> 01:41:54,234 You son of a bitch! 1926 01:41:54,318 --> 01:41:55,819 That was fucking classic! 1927 01:41:55,902 --> 01:41:58,822 Wait, wait, wait, this is payback because I made you think that I was retarded! 1928 01:41:58,905 --> 01:42:00,282 You made me think you were retarded! 1929 01:42:00,365 --> 01:42:01,408 Oh! Well done! 1930 01:42:01,533 --> 01:42:03,285 Well done, man, High five. 1931 01:42:03,368 --> 01:42:04,411 High five. 1932 01:42:04,536 --> 01:42:06,538 What the fuck is going on? 1933 01:42:06,622 --> 01:42:10,792 What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. 1934 01:42:10,876 --> 01:42:13,420 You are the fucking greatest man Holy shit! 1935 01:42:13,879 --> 01:42:15,631 Wait, How was the doctor in on it? 1936 01:42:15,714 --> 01:42:17,799 They got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. 1937 01:42:17,883 --> 01:42:19,259 So I talked him into going along with the bit. 1938 01:42:19,343 --> 01:42:21,303 Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious, thanks. 1939 01:42:21,553 --> 01:42:23,555 No problem. We're a fun hospital. 1940 01:42:23,847 --> 01:42:27,017 You asshole! You think this shit is funny? 1941 01:42:27,267 --> 01:42:28,769 Do you know how devastated I was? 1942 01:42:28,852 --> 01:42:30,520 I put a frowny face on Facebook! 1943 01:42:30,604 --> 01:42:33,023 How am I supposed to explain that to everybody? 1944 01:42:33,315 --> 01:42:35,359 You could change your relationship status from "single" 1945 01:42:35,442 --> 01:42:37,611 to "it's complicated. 1946 01:42:38,070 --> 01:42:40,155 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. 1947 01:42:41,114 --> 01:42:44,826 How about, in a relationship with John Bennett? 1948 01:42:45,619 --> 01:42:49,247 Well, we'll have to talk about that. 1949 01:42:54,127 --> 01:42:55,754 Okay, well, good talk. 1950 01:43:01,259 --> 01:43:02,594 Hey, if you guys want to bang, 1951 01:43:02,678 --> 01:43:04,054 me and Teddy can totally leave the room. 1952 01:43:04,137 --> 01:43:06,390 No, no, honey, honey, they're classy, they're not like us. 1953 01:43:06,473 --> 01:43:08,141 They're good people 1954 01:43:08,350 --> 01:43:11,395 I'm happy to see everyone has made a full recovery. 1955 01:43:11,520 --> 01:43:12,604 - Mr. Meighan. - What the hell? 1956 01:43:12,688 --> 01:43:13,814 Holy shit! 1957 01:43:13,897 --> 01:43:15,190 Is it all right if I come in? 1958 01:43:15,732 --> 01:43:17,150 Sure, yeah. 1959 01:43:18,110 --> 01:43:19,486 How are you feeling, John? 1960 01:43:19,903 --> 01:43:21,238 I'm alive. 1961 01:43:21,780 --> 01:43:23,240 You're very lucky. 1962 01:43:23,407 --> 01:43:25,325 I saw what you did on TV. 1963 01:43:25,492 --> 01:43:27,619 Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did. 1964 01:43:27,786 --> 01:43:30,580 You know why? Because he's a person. 1965 01:43:30,956 --> 01:43:32,040 And no matter how many 1966 01:43:32,124 --> 01:43:33,625 of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, 1967 01:43:33,709 --> 01:43:34,918 you're not gonna change that. 1968 01:43:35,001 --> 01:43:36,420 Not in our eyes. 1969 01:43:36,628 --> 01:43:37,754 Ted is real. 1970 01:43:38,088 --> 01:43:39,631 So you can go fuck yourself. 1971 01:43:40,549 --> 01:43:41,842 I will. 1972 01:43:42,467 --> 01:43:45,011 And as soon as I'm done fucking myself, 1973 01:43:45,387 --> 01:43:47,389 I'd like to take your case,Ted. 1974 01:43:47,639 --> 01:43:48,682 - What? - Seriously? 1975 01:43:48,765 --> 01:43:50,392 - Oh, my God! - You heard that? 1976 01:43:50,475 --> 01:43:52,352 - Oh, my gosh! - I don't believe it! 1977 01:43:53,645 --> 01:43:55,272 Maybe we don't want you now. Shut up. 1978 01:43:55,355 --> 01:43:57,315 No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you. 1979 01:43:57,399 --> 01:43:59,276 What made you change your mind? 1980 01:43:59,443 --> 01:44:01,570 Well, when I saw what John did for you, 1981 01:44:02,404 --> 01:44:05,157 that he was willing to give his life for yours, 1982 01:44:05,574 --> 01:44:07,576 it gave me a kick in the ass. 1983 01:44:07,659 --> 01:44:10,871 Reminded me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. 1984 01:44:12,080 --> 01:44:14,291 I'm sorry I turned you away. 1985 01:44:14,374 --> 01:44:15,751 I was wrong. 1986 01:44:16,501 --> 01:44:18,044 As far as I'm concerned, 1987 01:44:18,295 --> 01:44:22,466 anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person 1988 01:44:22,549 --> 01:44:24,426 deserves to be called human. 1989 01:44:25,594 --> 01:44:26,678 You mean it? 1990 01:44:26,762 --> 01:44:28,346 I certainly do. 1991 01:44:29,222 --> 01:44:30,223 So, 1992 01:44:30,515 --> 01:44:32,142 shall we get started? 1993 01:44:42,444 --> 01:44:44,112 What defines a person? 1994 01:44:46,531 --> 01:44:48,241 What defines property? 1995 01:44:49,409 --> 01:44:51,036 What's the difference? 1996 01:44:52,746 --> 01:44:57,042 The anthropologist and ethioist Dawn Prince-Hughes 1997 01:44:57,417 --> 01:45:02,547 argues that the standards for personhood include self-awareness, 1998 01:45:03,215 --> 01:45:06,384 an ability to understand complex emotions 1999 01:45:06,718 --> 01:45:09,262 and a capacity for empathy. 2000 01:45:11,097 --> 01:45:16,061 We're all in agreement that Ted is self-aware. 2001 01:45:18,480 --> 01:45:19,648 What is your name? 2002 01:45:20,232 --> 01:45:21,775 Ted Clubber Lang. 2003 01:45:26,488 --> 01:45:29,950 As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, 2004 01:45:30,700 --> 01:45:32,953 we all saw the distressing images 2005 01:45:33,036 --> 01:45:35,497 of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend, 2006 01:45:35,997 --> 01:45:37,040 John Bennett. 2007 01:45:37,541 --> 01:45:39,209 In those images, 2008 01:45:39,334 --> 01:45:44,381 Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood. 2009 01:45:46,508 --> 01:45:48,885 It's right there for anyone to see. 2010 01:45:50,095 --> 01:45:54,474 And I believe that a just court must, by definition, 2011 01:45:55,308 --> 01:45:59,145 grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them, 2012 01:46:00,438 --> 01:46:03,149 just as the Emancipation Proclamation 2013 01:46:03,400 --> 01:46:06,945 and the Thirteenth Amendment did so many years ago. 2014 01:46:09,531 --> 01:46:12,158 So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, 2015 01:46:14,327 --> 01:46:16,246 I invite you 2016 01:46:17,622 --> 01:46:19,833 to change the world. 2017 01:46:39,436 --> 01:46:42,564 Well, Johnny, this is the second time you've made me real. 2018 01:46:43,315 --> 01:46:44,441 Thanks, pal. 2019 01:46:44,524 --> 01:46:46,401 Hey, you were always real to me, buddy. 2020 01:46:46,568 --> 01:46:47,736 Even when you weren't. 2021 01:46:47,903 --> 01:46:49,154 Congratulations, Ted. 2022 01:46:49,529 --> 01:46:50,822 Thanks, Sam. 2023 01:46:52,782 --> 01:46:53,825 Ted! 2024 01:46:54,159 --> 01:46:56,036 - Ted! - Ted! Over here! 2025 01:46:56,119 --> 01:46:57,329 Ted! 2026 01:46:58,705 --> 01:47:00,498 This is quite a victory for you. 2027 01:47:00,582 --> 01:47:02,667 Is there any statement that you'd like to make 2028 01:47:02,751 --> 01:47:04,169 now that you're legally a person? 2029 01:47:04,711 --> 01:47:06,129 Yes, there is. 2030 01:47:08,548 --> 01:47:10,050 Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 2031 01:47:10,425 --> 01:47:12,093 will you marry me? 2032 01:47:13,678 --> 01:47:14,846 Yes. 2033 01:47:20,560 --> 01:47:23,355 And so our story comes to an end. 2034 01:47:23,688 --> 01:47:26,650 Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, 2035 01:47:26,733 --> 01:47:31,446 and soon afterward, they adopted a fine, young baby boy. 2036 01:47:31,696 --> 01:47:33,865 Johnny, meet your new godson, 2037 01:47:34,032 --> 01:47:35,784 Apollo Creed Clubber Lang. 2038 01:47:35,867 --> 01:47:37,953 Oh, Teddy, he's adorable. 2039 01:47:38,119 --> 01:47:40,789 Oh! And we got something for him, too. John, show him. 2040 01:47:40,872 --> 01:47:42,290 Oh, shit, yeah, Hold on. 2041 01:47:42,374 --> 01:47:43,833 He got you something. 2042 01:47:45,418 --> 01:47:46,461 Huh? 2043 01:47:46,544 --> 01:47:47,963 Oh, Johnny! 2044 01:47:48,129 --> 01:47:50,006 Oh, Johnny, it's perfect. 2045 01:47:50,173 --> 01:47:53,009 Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, 2046 01:47:53,176 --> 01:47:54,511 maybe he'll come to life 2047 01:47:54,678 --> 01:47:56,805 and you guys can do all kinds of drugs together. 2048 01:47:57,097 --> 01:47:58,807 That's all I want for him. 2049 01:47:58,890 --> 01:48:02,811 Oh! It smells like somebody's got a poopy diaper. 2050 01:48:02,978 --> 01:48:04,187 Teddy, it's your turn to change him. 2051 01:48:04,479 --> 01:48:05,814 Oh, yeah, no problem. 2052 01:48:06,606 --> 01:48:09,067 - Oh! Fuck me! - What's the matter? 2053 01:48:09,150 --> 01:48:10,944 That can't be normal. He's got to be sick. 2054 01:48:11,027 --> 01:48:12,946 He's not sick, it's just baby doody. 2055 01:48:13,029 --> 01:48:14,280 Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy. 2056 01:48:14,406 --> 01:48:16,282 - Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross? - No. 2057 01:48:16,408 --> 01:48:17,826 All right, Here, catch. 2058 01:48:17,909 --> 01:48:20,328 Oh, Teddy, What the fuck? 2059 01:48:20,453 --> 01:48:23,415 Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker! 2060 01:48:23,581 --> 01:48:26,334 Hashtag Shit happens.