Subtitles by explosiveskull
Uh, guys.
My map says that the campsites to the right.
What, are you blind, Stacy?
That's where the insane asylum is.
Can't you read arrows?
I don't know, I just,
I really don't have a good feeling about this.
Let's go.
This weekend is all about no rules, no clothes,
and so cell service.
Drive, Zach.
And it's like that every time.
His instructions tell me to do bad things
and then get out of the movie.
That's my job.
It's not that bad, Mike.
Could you put these up a little?
Yeah, in front of the face.
If someone's coming at ya, where you gonna put 'em?
Uh, here.
You gonna remember that?
Yes.
Up near the face.
I mean first they had me
planting satanic relics in attics.
Oh.
Then they made me do that movie
where I was a shady real estate agent.
Hope you enjoyed the tour.
This, this is the best house on the market.
Trust me.
It just seems too good to be true.
Uh.
Uh, no, no.
I don't think it is, actually.
It's got a really average good to be true, uh, ratio.
So, if we went to the library
and asked for newspaper clippings regarding horrific events
that occurred on the property, they wouldn't have any?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's correct, my good friend.
Any newspaper after 1975 definitely wouldn't say anything.
I mean is there gonna be enough room
in the backyard for your greenhouse?
Mike.
There would be room in the basement for the train set.
Of course the rooms upstairs.
Mike!
Hey!
We'll take it.
Okay, I'll get the contracts so nobody can turn around,
uh, I mean back out.
So, let's just remain firm eye contact here
as we seal the deal.
Mike.
Do you even know how hard it is to curse a doll?
No.
Lot of steps.
I think I know what your problem is.
What?
You're looking for motivation.
Yeah, of course I am, Wendy.
I'm a person, I need an arc.
You know, I want to do something more.
I want to do something good.
Yeah but it's not your job.
You're a cold opener.
You only have a few minutes to put all the pieces in place.
What am I supposed to do then?
You know, it's not like I get to come in at the end
and rescue the good guys and arrest the bad guys
in the freaking finale, you know, like some people.
You know, my job sucks sometimes, too.
I have never hit the heart or the brain.
Honestly, I've never hit a vital organ
and I don't get it 'cause I'm always pointed
right at the head
and then somehow it's always the left shoulder.
I just.
Maybe, maybe.
Maybe I could hit a vital organ?
You know, I just, I've never gotten the chance.
Mike! Sorry, sorry.
If you start fantasizing again
I'm literally going to punch you in the face.
Oh.
Look, no offense, but you're not a character.
You're better off with what you have.
This blows.
As if it wasn't bad enough
that we're babysitting on Halloween.
We just need to find the breaker box.
What was that?
It's okay, it's okay.
What do you want?
Hi, I'm Mike.
I'm a neighbor.
I just wanted to see if your power went out, too.
It did.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
It's just, can we talk?
For a second.
I'm sorry I scared you.
I promise I'm, you can trust me.
If you're a neighbor why haven't I seen you before?
I've been babysitting for the Patterson's for years.
A babysitter, of course, that's classic.
Excuse me?
And what's with your eye?
Is that some sort of Halloween costume thing?
Yeah, oh, that's right.
Definitely a costume.
Anyways, I just heard some tussling over here
before the power out and just wanted to check in.
Well, we're fine.
Thank you.
Are you sure you didn't want like, you know,
someone to hang out and like be all "what was that?"
if there was a noise or---
That's okay.
I've got my best friend, Tess, here.
Hi, Tess.
Uh, what about like a tough dude, you know,
if some crazy guy shows up?
I think you already have the crazy dude thing down.
So---
Oh, no.
No, no.
I'm not, I'm not crazy.
I'm, uh, I'm Mike.
I just want to help.
Hannah.
Talk in a second.
Okay.
He did it, he cut the power.
Are you sure?
Look in his pocket.
Okay, I've got a plan.
Trust me.
Hey, Mike.
Want to come in for a sec?
It seems like you really want to hang out.
Boy, do I, yeah.
I'll be right back.
Okay, see ya, Tess.
She seems cool.
I'm so excited.
I've never gotten to do this before.
Do what?
Stick around this long.
You know, introduce my name and everything.
I even have a backstory.
Mike, concerned neighbor.
That's great.
So, what do we do now?
Um, maybe help me find some candles?
They're in there.
Okay, yeah.
Oh man, I'm gonna get fired for this.
Oh yeah?
Probably, probably.
But it's so worth it.
You know, Wendy was wrong.
You know it's nice to have an arc
and feel like you're helping people
and doing some real good, yeah.
What are you doing?
Oh, I can explain.
You better.
So my friend, Wendy, and I were boxing.
Well she was boxing,
I was holding these weird oven mitt things
and then I started to think, you know,
what if I could be the one to change my story
and that's when
and the sheers, yes.
I cut the power, but you know what am I gonna do?
Murder you?
You were gonna murder us?
No, no, no.
I said, I'm not gonna murder you.
Okay.
Tess!
Call the police, now!
This is just a misunderstanding)
Oh, oh no.
Oh no.
You okay?
Uh, Tess?
I think Hannah might need some help.
Do I take it out or leave it in?
Oh, no, no, no.
Tess, hello?
I really hope you can't feel this.
Oh my god.
You psycho.
You killed her.
Oh, nope.
No, I didn't kill her.
Honestly, yes you, I stabbed
by accident, of course.
I'm sorry but no, I didn't stab her.
I swear.
Oh, I wouldn't do that.
I, I wouldn't do that.
Oh geeze.
Oh man.
Tess was gonna kill me?
I can't believe this.
Oh no, it's not what it looks like.
Jesus Christ.
The shoulder?
Seriously?
You shot me.
Mike?
We got a call for some girl talking about a crazy guy
trying to kill her and her friend
and um, the kid they're babysitting.
Oh my god.
I should check on the kid.
He's probably so freaked out right now.
No, no.
Don't.
I just mean, maybe I should do that.
I didn't, I didn't mean to kill everyone.
It just sort of happened.
Well, it isn't good, pal.
Especially with the whole name thing.
Oh, it's just a coincidence.
Well, I'm sitting here with my friend, Michael Myers,
on Halloween night and yeah,
there's a bunch of dead bodies around.
So you tell me.
I go by Mike.
I don't like horror movies.
They give me nightmares.
Yeah, I know.
Just a big softy.
It's just not fair, you know?
I just wanted to be something more so badly.
You know, I just wanted to do something good, that's all.
You tried your best.
All we can do, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess, I just,
what am I gonna do now?
It's over.
You know, I've got no job.
I'm definitely not getting another piece
of paper with instructions on it, that's for sure.
Come on, they always make sequels off this stuff.
Really?
Sure.
I could be a, be a villain.
Sure.
Oh, I didn't realize the sun had come up.
Oh yeah, they always end horror movies in daylight.
It's a sign of hope.
Oh.
So, what do you think?
Uh, I just don't know about all the meta stuff, you know?
I mean a movie talking about a movie within a movie.
It's just confusing.
You're just not ready for primetime, kid.
Well, you know a phoenix has to burn
before it can rise from the ashes.
So.
I have no idea what that means.
Me neither, my dad would just always say it.
I never met my father.
Cool.
Uh, this is my stop.
Uh, well.
Thanks for the ride.
Ah.
Hey, remember kid.
Picking up hitchhikers is dangerous business.
That's how horror movies start.
You're scary, mister.
On time.
And for your consideration.
Damn it, Sam.
You know how I feel about this.
I'd be the model employee.
This is a damn shame.
I just, I can't.
I have an encyclopedic knowledge of movies.
Nobody knows movies like I do.
You're making a huge mistake.
People don't like you.
I mean look at your face.
I just want to punch it.
Chad.
How many times have you been punched
in the face this week?
That's a trick question
'cause you know my mom hits me every morning
to wake me up.
Give me the job, man.
Someone will come apply.
Someday.
Keep those dreams alive, partner.
Yeah, you, too.
I'll be here.
Until your mom picks you up.
Hello, I'm here for video store clerk position.
Name. Hawn Fan.
Ever committed a felony? No.
Legal to work in the US? Yes.
Reliable form
of transportation? Yes.
High school, GED, or equivalent?
Yes.
Have you ever suffered the untimely
and crushing loss of a loved one?
No.
Nancy Thompson or Laurie Stroud?
Laurie.
Leprechaun in Space or Leprechaun in the Hood?
Space, I guess.
Better sequel, Troll 2 or Halloween Three?
Neither follow the official canon.
So neither are official sequels, sir.
Have you ever had a best friend?
No, sir.
When could you start?
Now.
Season of the Witch was pretty awesome, though, huh?
Right.
You gotta come forward a bit.
Yeah, there you go. Yes, sir.
We'll just stick with low fives for now.
Yeah, that's a handshake.
We'll work on that. Sir.
Come on around.
I'm training somebody right now, Mom.
I told you I'll make it home for dinner.
I might bring a friend.
Anyway, you're gonna hit F4, F11, and F9 with control alt
to get to the account.
This one again?
It's bloody fucking hilarious.
Bloody and hilarious or are you just British?
What?
I'll have to check it out.
You haven't seen it?
Oh Chad, you are gonna flip your shit.
You better clear your schedule
because this is required viewing.
It all starts with a group of characters
walking through the woods
and you don't know what's gonna happen next.
When then all of a sudden, one of the characters
steps in some nasty goo.
There's bug guts on my shoe.
You're a big boy, hon, you can clean it yourself.
Fine.
So do you think tonight's gonna be the night with Trip?
I don't know.
I brought my own tent, so.
Oh huh, weird.
I don't see you setting it up?
Well I think it would be a little bit strange
with you guys right there.
Oh, that's okay 'cause I like to watch..
So it's good.
Hey, you guys talking about fucking or?
Hey!
Hey, you gotta help me.
I need your help, okay, you have to help me.
What's up, man?
Are you hurt?
I'm dangerous.
I need you guys to lock me up or tie me up
'cause I'm gonna change.
I'm gonna change.
Oh yeah, okay hydrate.
Wow.
Oh, somebody get this girl a refill.
Piss off, dude.
Get out of here.
You don't understand!
I'm gonna kill you all!
I'm sorry but
You have to kill me!
Please.
Let's help him.
This won't work.
Need silver.
Sticks won't work, you fucks!
You need sliver!
Your earrings.
Your earrings!
Hurry!
Those are gold, okay.
Try your watch.
Try your watch, try your watch.
That's fake.
Oops.
Guy said it was.
It was real nice.
You cheapskate!
Hurry, hurry.
What do I do?
I don't know.
Are those silver?
I like fancy things.
Nice, dude.
Okay, great, you paused the transformation, that's good.
Could have happened a little bit sooner but uh.
Look, next we,
hey, why does that guy have handcuffs?
Hey, yeah.
Oh, he's kinky.
Were those meant for me?
You?
Yeah.
Just not in the way you were thinking.
He's super kinky.
He's the backwoods slasher.
Hey, stay back, Trip.
You guys, all right?
Hey, that guy's blood is getting in my blood.
Trip, bro, bro.
Trip.
You are deceptively strong, my dude.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Wait.
Brenda, look at me.
I love you so much.
You're my best friend.
We're gonna be fine.
Okay?
I promise you, I promise you.
I'm gonna get help.
You wait here. No, no, no.
I think we should stick together.
Hello?
I'm still here.
Kill me?
God damn it.
I think my eyes are gonna fall out.
Hey.
Hi, I'm hunting a creature, well a man.
Maybe you've seen him.
He's about ye tall.
He might be changing into something.
Keep it down.
Why are you down there?
Oh did you lose a contact?
Oh that's not--
Beating me with my own leg.
Now he's beating me with both my legs.
I just signed up for a marathon.
I got a butterfly ankle tattoo.
I'll never enjoy it now.
Hey, hey, hey.
Lady, down here.
Yeah, you.
Hey if you unchain me I can help you.
No, I'm sorry.
You're too gross, I can't touch it.
No, I'm fine.
This is all hypoallergenic.
You're not gonna sick at all.
Look at me, come on,
do I look somebody that's gonna hurt you?
People say I have kind eyes.
Sorry, I just really don't want to get goo on my--
Hey, hey.
Yeah, you know when that guy like slipped in my goo,
some of it separated from the rest of my goo,
do you think you could just push it back together,
kind of consolidate the goo for me?
I, no, I just don't feel comfortable, with,
you know, touching the goo.
I'm just a little concerned that like
when I change back if I'm missing some of the goo,
I don't know what's gonna happen, honestly.
This isn't, you can't learn this stuff in a manual.
So, for me it's a little bit scary.
Okay, sure.
Yes, great. Yeah.
Seriously, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done.
I thought I could control it.
I can't control it, now we know.
Ow.
My apologies in advance for what's gonna,
yeah its happening now.
You look disgusting.
God damn it.
Okay from this green goo on, that's my side.
Okay, you have your side, I have my side.
Maybe let's just not talk for awhile.
All right, fine by me.
I can not talk all day.
All fucking day.
What you thinking about?
I'm melting, I'm melting.
He was changing, not melting.
Shut up, what do you know?
I know you owe me a dollar 49 for that soda.
Why don't you go get cleaned up, man?
Does that kind of thing happen a lot here?
More than you would think.
All right, training time.
If I don't teach you anything else today,
you're gonna learn your ABCs.
Always be...
Playing video cassettes.
Okay?
You gotta keep the mood in here alive, all right?
You're like a DJ but you're playing videos.
So like a video DJ.
You see that door over there?
Never go in that door.
Okay.
Under any circumstances.
I cannot stress this enough.
Stay out.
You're going great.
Go ahead and talk a little break.
My little Pikachu.
ABC.
Hello.
Come on.
Unbelievable.
Hawn, come on, man.
Do you even want this?
I just...
Yes, sir.
I'll work harder.
This is what disappointment looks like.
You don't want to feel what it feels like.
Strike one.
On the house.
So you're having a rough night?
It's 11 AM.
Yeah.
Having some trouble at home.
You know what they say.
Home is where the heart is.
You know, that is very true.
And the heart is where the blood is.
And the blood, blood is thicker than water.
I'm gonna go.
Uh, you know.
I gotta, go over there.
Thank you.
Okay.
I'm doing the best that I can.
You need to start making some real contributions
to this family.
You're not pulling your weight,
you're not providing like you should.
I'm doing all the sacrificing around here.
What do you want from me?
Be a man.
Look, I'm just gonna take up most of the sidewalk.
That's just how it goes.
Okay?
You fucking move.
I don't give a shit.
You know, who cares?
Who gives a shit?
That's exactly what I've been talking about all these weeks.
Look around you.
Men have lost their way from the pack.
We are primal.
We are pure, carnal instincts!
Fantasy leagues, comic book movies, politics.
Nerd shit.
Exactly, what I was talking about.
You see that?
We should be reacting, not cowering.
They are trying to domestic us.
We roll over and we beg
because society says we should be softer, gentler.
We heel to be good boys.
We obey when we hear the silent whistle of emasculation,
the muzzle of oppression is keeping us from being
who we were meant to be.
We're gonna take it back and we're gonna attack.
Right for the jugular.
Okay, so let's uh, let's hear from each other, yeah?
Share plates?
What if I just want my own meal?
If I want to wear boat shoes to her uncle's funeral
what's wrong with that?
If Billy Joel can write Stormfront while wasted,
I can do my taxes while stoned.
So now what, now at work they want me to count the seconds
of the hugs that I give?
What about womansplaining?
I downloaded that pic of the babysitter
from Facebook for you.
It actually takes less energy to put a seat down.
Well if you can't break the glass ceiling,
you might as well clean it.
I park like that on purpose.
It's a power move.
What do you mean what's happening in the movie?
Just watch the movie.
Just because I ask you to shave your pubes
doesn't mean I have to, too.
And I told her, you don't understand.
I don't live with my mom, my mom lives with me.
I have no idea where your keys are.
You want to talk about pro choice?
I don't even know what they did with my foreskin.
Who brought these, by the way?
Thanks for coming out.
You know, you would of been more than welcome to join us.
You look like you have a lot on your mind.
A lot of things you said really struck a chord.
Well there's a lot more
to us than what you saw here today.
It goes a lot further.
I'm interested.
I could really use a change.
I really like you said about the muzzle.
Yeah, no it makes sense.
Okay, I tell you what.
We're having a get together tonight,
very special, very exclusive.
It's just a little game we play every month.
You interested?
Yeah.
Great.
He's gonna join us.
Hey, guys.
Hey. Hey.
Just in time.
Tonight, we return to our glory.
Tonight, we reclaim our spot as the alpha
by bringing about the omega.
Tonight, we hunt.
Are you ready to join the pack?
I've already got one.
Honey, I'm home.
If you'll excuse me.
You almost didn't make it in time.
You did it.
I knew you'd come through.
I had to improvise.
Werewolves.
What a surprise.
Well, it's not like we have a monopoly on full moons.
I hope it wasn't too difficult.
I just really wanted to show you how much I cared.
Show everybody.
Well, we didn't start without you.
Oh, werewolf pelts.
These are a real delicacy.
This is gonna be great for the whole family.
Come on, guys.
Uh, everybody let's get started.
Is that a dead animal?
Looks real, don't it?
It even feels real.
Feels dead.
That is a screen used prop, my friend,
from a werewolf movie.
Any hoo, I got to go get some work done.
Do you know what they call a Goldie Hawn
in the fetish community?
It's when you find a gentleman by the name of Hawn
and urinate on him.
I'm not gonna do that to you, Hawn,
'cause I don't have that fetish.
Besides, I don't even know if you're real name is Hawn.
I am using my real name.
I mean, what, nothing.
Shut up.
why do you have a balloon?
I can't tell you that.
There are balloon fetishists as well
and I think Chad might be one of them.
So, if you want to keep working here
with a pervert like that you can.
Thank you.
We got one, we got one.
Yes!
You know what, let me tell you the power of now
so we can just be in the moment and not think about--
I've been in the moment for 30 minutes
waiting for you guys.
Well let's get in the moment and let's go.
This is amazing.
Oh this looks like my grandma's house.
I kind of love it.
Let's get drunk.
Yes.
I haven't had sugar in 82 days.
Calling it!
Did you use porcelain? It's still plastic.
I never changed it.
You cheap bitch.
It was 75 bucks.
Oh girl. Look.
Yeah, she still has a scar.
No pain, no gain.
Yeah, you shouldn't...
Oh, that's the one.
Isn't this nice, just getting away?
I can't believe you almost didn't make it.
What?
Yeah, what are you getting too cool for us now?
Hey I'm here, aren't I?
Come on. Very true.
What did you do to our friend?
You're going to ruin the anti-aging process.
I look 22, right?
Yeah, I mean.
Um.
What is that?
You stole that.
So what?
You are such a klepto.
It's fine. I admit it.
We bought a bunch of stuff there, it's fine.
That's right.
You want to try it?
Give me this thing.
This is giant.
You are cheap as shit.
It was not easy to steal this.
It's a pretty good find.
I don't feel so good.
My face is real hot.
Oh thank you.
I don't think I have any pain killers.
I think I, I might have something.
Oh my god.
You still have this?
Yeah.
Mine broke ages ago.
Oh my god.
Allie, remember this night?
You almost went home with that guy that looks like a turtle.
Oh my god, she did.
He like literally had a shell.
He was disgusting.
He was super creepy.
We were like no, but.
Allie?
I take it back.
I think I feel better now.
What's wrong, you guys?
Oh my god.
What?
You guys.
No!
Jamie.
What do you think of this color?
This is all your fault.
Don't worry, we can fix this.
How are we gonna fix this?
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Whoa.
Hello?
I'm wondering about a piece of candy
that we got at your store.
Tell her I'm sorry.
Why is she, why are you laughing?
What is so funny?
Keep your focus.
Never break.
Wow, you're good.
Okay.
That's only seven tapes every 10 seconds.
Faster, faster, you gotta move.
You gotta move.
Efficiency, elegance, destruction of ego.
I gotta say, I am really impressed.
You clean a hell of a bathroom.
Thank you, sir.
Now, we just gotta get that piranha tank clean.
The what?
Why do you even have that?
It was a failed promotion I did back in 2010.
No way.
Did you just say no to me?
I'll clean it.
Where did you come from?
I'm always here
and I will always be here
until you give me the job that was rightfully mine.
You guys continue having your little employee
employer meeting in the bathroom.
That's my mom.
She's out getting the shagging wagon detailed.
Big plans this weekend.
So, you're not off the hook, I'll be back.
I'll be back real soon.
He will.
He just keeps coming back again and again.
He's like that killer in the Night He Came Back Again
Part IV The Final Kill.
You know that's the nicest thing
anybody's ever said to me?
God damn it, Mom!
I'm coming.
Who?
Just this dude.
He kills people, keeps coming back again.
How much longer do we have to watch this?
Now!
Every Fourth of July, we have fireworks,
hot dogs, and you.
Whether at a cabin, the county fair, or summer camp
you show up and kill everyone
including my boyfriends.
You'll be fine.
Every year, I leave you for dead,
the next year you come back.
That ends tonight.
That was easy.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
Babe, it's over now.
He can't hurt you anymore.
Now we can finally go all the way.
No, it's not over.
He could still come back.
Babe, he's dead.
Look.
Greg, don't.
Do you know how many girls I turned down this year
'cause I was saving myself for you?
Stop messing around, Greg.
Fuck off, Will.
Greg.
Daisy, he's dead.
Now have sex with me!
Will, get the jumper cables.
Okay, he's ready.
Why are they on his nipples?
I mean, isn't that where they go?
No, this isn't some porno.
But it on his neck.
Come on, man.
I didn't, I...
Okay.
Just die!
Did it work?
Seth, don't.
It's too dangerous.
It's okay, I'm pre-med.
Oh.
Damn it!
Say hi to the founding fathers, asshole.
Happy Fourth of July, fucker.
Holy shit.
We did it.
Oh my god.
We did it.
Hey, uh.
I'm sorry about Seth.
Oh, it's okay.
We were only going out for a few weeks anyway.
He was pre-med.
Crazy night.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I'm always here for you, Daisy.
Always.
Um, yeah I'm sorry about Greg.
Yeah, I really liked him
but maybe I should just stay single.
It seems to be working out for you.
What should we do with these?
Chloe!
Fuck.
Oh.
No, just stay away from, Will.
Everyone I care about ends up dead.
You care about me?
Of course I do.
I care about you, too, a lot.
Every time I find a good guy he ends impaled,
decapitated, or stabbed through the head.
Well maybe the good guy you've been searching for
has been right here in front of you?
I, I love you, Daisy.
Come on!
Will.
Take off his mask.
I want to look this bastard in the eye
when I finally kill him.
Are you sure it's necessary--
Do it!
What, what are you waiting for?
Oh no, no.
Are you into him?
No, you got to be fucking kidding me.
Daisy.
Shoot him.
I can't.
I...
Hate you.
Hello?
I'd like to rent a wood chipper.
Daisy.
I'm your brother.
What?
Are you still mad at me?
But did you finish cleaning the piranha tank?
Oh, oh gotta poop.
Oh and don't forget,
you go anywhere near that door,
I'll have to kill ya.
Oh.
Oh, and can you bring some fresh coffee?
No Daddy?
You don't have to do this.
I have so much to do.
Please, please.
You don't have to do this.
Please, please, please.
Please!
I have so much to do.
Oh and I can't wait to see
what's gonna happen with that.
Oh no, no.
La la la la la.
Look, I do not want to hear that, okay?
I'm only up to season four, damn it.
Girl, I'm am insulted.
You think I'm over here trying to spill details,
trying to spill the show details?
All right, you're right.
Fran, you think I'm over here dropping spoilers?
Okay look, now you're being silly.
You're being silly.
No, this is ridiculous.
You're ridiculous.
Stop it.
You stop it.
Okay. Okay.
Seriously though, I'm just gonna go home,
I'm gonna binge the whole thing,
I'm gonna be so caught up.
Hashtag a stay cay.
Boo, how long is that gonna take?
'Cause the series finale drops tonight
and I don't know how long I can keep everything to myself.
Okay, well you better because I will murder you.
I hate, hate hate spoilers.
You and me both.
Shit.
Hey, hang on.
Oh god.
Maggie, is it like cloudy where you are or foggy?
Maggie?
Maggie.
Shit.
Oh my god, oh shit.
Hello, Fran?
Girl, I can't hear you.
Are you still there?
Francesca, hello?
Fran.
Fran?
I have so much to do.
Oh. Oh don't even trip.
I'll call you tomorrow, bitch.
Peace.
Previously on Battle of Mages.
Jay Battle, are you ready?
I was born ready, bro.
Hey.
I said hey!
That's my body.
I.
Hate.
Spoilers.
Mother!
McGuffin?
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see you.
Wait, McGuffin?
McMuffin.
Do you want a McMuffin?
What are you doing with that tape?
What are you doing with it?
It's my friend Baron's film, he told me to watch it.
So I wrote "watch me" on it so I wouldn't forget.
Oh no, you saw inside, didn't you?
I mean not much.
But you saw it.
So you know.
Oh yeah, you know.
You know too much.
Cat's out of the bag.
Well, it was supposed to be a surprise.
You know, best new employee.
Best new friend.
Now it's ruined.
You like cake?
You know what my least favorite horror trope is?
It's when there's some blathering idiot
and he's not paying any attention to his surroundings
and somebody sneaks up and just--
Welcome.
What the hell is going on here?
You little fucker.
You were behind this?
This makes zero sense.
I put you through my entire orientation.
Who would do something like that?
Her.
Come on,
no, no.
What about the blonde girl?
It's horror logic.
The new guy.
I'm gonna need that key back.
And you're fired.
I love that little man.
There's nothing we could have done.
She's right.
Look, they got guns and guards and god knows what else
beyond those doors.
But I thought the dragon lady was his sister?
No, Jamie and Cersei are brother and sister,
Dany's his aunt.
Oh okay, so it's like good incest?
There's no such, there's not a thing
that's called good incest.
Never mind, look.
Jon's dad, Rhaegar, is Dany's older brother.
I thought Jon was Sean,
is it Sean Bean or was Liam Neeson kid?
You mean Ned Stark? Yeah.
No, Ned know his true lineage but,
it didn't matter, he kept it a secret.
He brought Jon home, pretended he was his bastard kid.
Cat didn't even know the truth.
There was a cat?
I love cats.
Fuck you, man.
Caitlyn, Ned's wife.
Hi, doll, aren't you a cutie?
Come on in here.
My name's Dixie.
Can I get you a beverage of some kind, tonic water,
seltzer water, Topo Chico?
Well just step on up here, darling.
Here you go.
Here we are, up on the treadmill.
Okay, are we ready?
Ready for what exactly?
Okay, we're limber, ready to run.
That's what I mean.
Need a little stretching, you ready to run?
Okay.
Bring in the Devil's Lake Impaler.
Devil's what?
You'll see.
Look, I don't know what to tell you, bro,
I just like woke up here.
I was first that was like, 90 minutes ago?
90 minutes?
Horror logic.
Jock.
Stoner.
Right?
Yeah.
Slut.
Excuse me?
Whoa, man.
That's not cool.
No, I don't need your protection
but I don't need your ignorant bullshit either.
It was the 80s, it's not my fault.
And uh.
You sure you want to do this?
I was gonna say British.
Did I hear a slight accent?
Which would you make you final girl.
Well then who the hell are you?
Well I am obviously the know it all horror guy.
That's not really like a stock horror character, though.
Yeah, it is.
Randy from Scream.
Any hoo, what is important here, people,
is that we
are in a horror movie!
Nobody?
Horror.
Horror movie.
Pretty scary, huh?
I don't know man, I'm getting more
like a Breakfast Club vibe.
We are literally locked in this room against our will.
Exactly.
Start running, he's gonna chase ya.
Okay.
There you go, nice nice.
I like this.
You're doing a good job.
There you go.
Yeah just keep on going.
Oh.
I, I asthma, asthma.
So it's--
I'm sure it was the asthma.
It's fine, air quality these days.
Yeah.
That's a shame.
Okay.
Keep going 'cause he's gonna keep chasing ya,
he's a murderer.
Just keep on running, there you go.
Oh, there's another one.
Look, the longer we all sit here doing nothing,
the more likely we all get slaughtered.
Slaughtered?
Slaughtered, body slashed,
I haven't figured out what kind of subgenre
we're dealing with yet.
Oh hell, no.
What the fuck, man?
Nobody's getting slaughtered
and we're not in a horror film.
That's because we are in John Hughes' teen classic.
None of this is helping anybody.
Jock always takes the lead, total trope.
I'm getting a headache.
Christine, faster.
Listen to her, come on.
Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
He's gonna get ya.
And another one.
Great job, honey.
Fascinating.
Aerys the second, Dany's dad, Jon's granddad,
was king, he went a little nuts, started killing fools.
Including Ned's father and brother.
Now, some of the houses rebelled,
Starks, Tullys, , Baratheons,
now the battle of the Trident,
Robert Baratheon who was betrothed to Lyanna Stark,
Jon's actual birth mother, ended up killing Rhaegar,
who everyone believed kidnapped Lyanna against her will
and during the whole rebellion, Tywin Lannister,
the Hand of the King, also turned on Aaerys.
Tywin is the father of Tyrion and the twins.
The twins?
The sibling fuckers.
Oh yeah, the good incest.
There's not, there's no good incest,
no good incest.
Moving on, so Aearys ordered Jamie, a Kingsguard
at the time, to kill his own dad for the betrayal.
Jamie was like I'll kill you instead you crazy bastard,
and he stabbed him in the back.
Whoa, that's fucked up.
Yeah, it's fucked up.
You're watching HBO, bitch.
It's not TV.
Security breached.
Warning.
Security breach.
My little panda bear, what has happened to you?
Run.
Damn mess.
I got to get out of here.
A bunsen burner.
Hey, you're not gonna want to follow him.
Why?
Hey, follow final girl.
What the hell are you guys doing?
Jon Snow.
Was that a treadmill?
Oh my god.
Oh god.
This shit is fucked up.
Are we all now in agreement
about this whole horror movie thing?
When placed within 14 meters of any American made car,
the engine will not start in 17 out of 18 cases.
Hey, where'd you guys get your flashlights?
I brought mine.
Whoa, you guys.
Check this out.
That killer dude who's like doing all that stuff,
it's the Devils Lake Impaler.
Who?
He's this psychopath who killed like 11 people.
But he's actually a really good dude.
Yeah, he's the best.
I mean he like was a really good dude.
I saw it on a Forensics Files episode,
he was like in this Big Brother program
for this eight year old cancer kid.
He even donated his lungs to help save the kid's life.
You can't donate both your lungs.
All right well, like, okay,
well he like saved him or whatever
but then in some like fraternity hazing ritual gone awry,
the kid died.
The kid was in college, like a Doogie Howser thing?
What?
No, like the fraternity did it.
What are you, no.
Anyway, the point is that, the kid died
and the Devils Lake Impaler,
or like I guess at this point
his name was just like Damon or something,
he just like totally snapped
and he started killing all the frat brothers
one by one in the most horrific was imaginable.
Whoa.
And they say that he took off all the faces
of the frat bros and now he wears them as a mask.
Resourceful.
I bet they're banging it out right now.
Who?
The uh, promiscuous girl and the jock.
I bet they're slapping skinnies.
You know, the skin and the squirrel,
smoking the Gouda.
It's a horror trope.
Did you hear that?
It's coming toward us.
20 meters.
Where'd the hell you get that gun?
15 meters.
10.
Five meters.
Dicks.
Nameless, faceless girl.
I'm really surprised she lasted this long.
Her name was Christine, you asshole.
She taught kindergarten.
She's kind of hot.
Take that tracker thing off, it's on her arm.
It's off.
Oh god.
Let's get out of here.
Go.
Get, love of.
Oh my god.
Fuck.
Oh my god, fuck.
This is a lot deeper than I thought.
Let me help you up.
No I got it, I got it, I got it.
Can you even walk?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Alrighty then, I'll follow you.
Jesus.
What the fuck?
Guys, I'm pretty sure something bad happened here.
Yeah, no shit.
If you people want to live, come with me.
Joe Bob Briggs.
It's time to get the hell out of Dodge.
Come on.
Mr. Briggs, um, Joe Bob,
I just have to tell you I am your biggest fan.
I actually saw my first set of boobs on your show.
Son, what is your name?
Chad Buckley.
Okay, listen, Brad.
You know it's a horror film, I know it's a horror film,
they know, but they don't know.
We have to get them out of here.
That is our only goal right now.
Can you help me with that?
You called me son.
Do you think we'll be best friends
or best best friends?
Do you like slumber parties--
Do you know what you are, Brad?
You're the personification of what the internet
did to film criticism.
Thank you.
What the hell?
You threw a cat?
It was walking around, I'm sorry.
I don't know, I thought I could help it.
I got afraid.
That doesn't work, I already tried.
Oh it works, you just need a badge.
Access granted.
See, isn't he the coolest?
I told you they had sex.
Dude, seriously.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm a virgin.
You can't be a virgin.
She's the virgin.
Nope, definitely not a virgin.
Are you sure?
I mean I don't know how it all works but.
What the hell?
You have to a be virgin, final girls are always a virgin
so you have to be a virgin.
Huh, impaler.
I get it.
Whatever you do don't touch
the emergency security system. Self destruct
sequence activated.
Alarm, alarm.
10 minutes till self destruction.
Yeah, this is bad.
Alarm alarm.
Alarm alarm
alarm alarm.
So, what now?
It will be okay.
Yes, Tweedledum here has locked down the building
and cut off our only way out.
But I can override it.
Do not let Brad touch anything else.
Love you, Dad.
Alarm alarm.
Guys, this is Joe Bob Briggs we're talking about.
He is an absolute legend.
He has forgotten more about horror
than I could ever even hope to know.
There is nothing to worry about.
How does any of that help us right now?
Stabilizing.
See, what did I tell ya?
Joe Bob is the man.
No!
Can you just leave?
Just rest up, my sweet prince,
and let your worries just float away.
Like the blood currently leaving your organs.
Brad.
Yes, pa pa?
Closer.
You're a moron.
Okay, yeah.
I thought you were gonna something a little different.
I guess it's true what momma said,
never met your heroes, or your father.
We have to go.
No, you have to go.
This is my destiny.
Don't mess with the bull, man,
or you get the horns.
Fuck yeah, Chad.
It's probably how he wanted to go.
So you're the final girl, huh?
That's cool.
Please evacuate immediately.
Goodbye.
Come on.
We need to make a plan.
What would happen in a horror movie now?
I don't know, the only one I really remember
is that Friday the 13th one with Cory Feldman.
The Lost Boys dude?
No, that's Cory Haim.
Pretty sure that's License to Drive.
No, oh.
Whoa.
Does this make me final boy?
Focus, he's gonna be here any minute.
We need a plan.
Cory Feldman.
I think I have a plan.
What the fuck?
I rewound.
Owie!
Hey, Damon.
It's me, Jimmy.
Don't you remember me?
I beat the cancer.
Can you believe it?
Those frat guys were so mean but I made it,
I got away and I beat the cancer.
Holy shit, it actually worked.
We did it.
Yes, we did it!
Oh we're alive!
Oh god, we're alive.
That was so crazy.
Did you see that?
Oh my god, what if he hugged me?
Guess we could have taken this the whole time.
Huh, well I really wish you thought of that before.
Fuck.
What?
It's not starting.
When placed within 14 meters
of any American made car, the engine will not start...
14 meters.
What?
That's what they were doing back there, testing shit.
He's gotta be 14 meters away or it won't start.
Oh fuck, I've gotta move him.
Oh fuck no!
Come on.
Jesus Christ!
I don't want to touch that dude.
Fuck!
Hey, don't be the final boy.
Be the final man.
All right.
How big is a meter?
Okay.
He's dead!
He's passed away.
Jesus!
Shit.
He's heavy.
Okay, all right.
Try again.
Oh god, I gotta split.
I made it!
I made it till the end.
We have to go. No, we have to go.
You're hurt. What are you doing?
Let me help you.
What are you doing?
Don't worry, it's not, I don't actually smoke.
It's my job.
No.
Subtitles by explosiveskull